There has been a recent springtime flurry of activity for my Halloween-themed post “Best Costume Ever“, so I figured this is a good time to introduce the world to its evil twin, the Worst Costume Ever:
Take a look at this “man” (and I use the term loosely):
This twee little turd was photographed at the opening of the new Brooklyn Flea market, written about in this New York Times article. The annoyance level of this picture is a 9 on the Prickter scale. There’s so much hideousness to choose from that you’ll have to decide what’s most annoying. Personally, it’s a toss-up between the billowing flowered scarf and the gloves in April.
If you needed one picture to sum up everything that’s wrong with a once great nation, this will do. From the doughy flaccid face begging for a punch to the exquisitely scuffed boots, he’s a pure distillation of decadent pointlessness. An asexual globule of fey excess. A consumerist wastrel. He’s like the anti-Christ of virile manhood: the anti-man. The nearer you get to him, the more testosterone he sucks out of your soul. Ironically, the closer women get to him the more manly they become, probably out of spite. Women tend to take on the characteristics of men when the men in their lives forfeit the job.
Here’s the catch: If he’s straight, I bet he gets laid more than the average straight American man. Why? Because he’s not average. Stepping out of the mainstream, no matter how preposterous, gets a man noticed by women. Most will hate him, some will be indifferent, and a few will love him like a rock star. This equation adds up to more pussy than the average guy can get, since average men are hated by some women and unnoticed by all the rest. A bland average man never starts off with a small but firm base of aroused women.
It’s for this reason I define alpha males as those who can secure the best pussy in the greatest quantities on the most favorable terms. Bowling 300 is an alpha trait, but skipping the bowling competition to violate a hipsterette’s mouth in the back of a coat check of a dingy club is alpha itself.
ps: men should never go to flea markets. are you a gatherer, or a hunter?
pps: whitepeople love postscripts.
Forget flying cars and interstellar travel, the next big thing to radically transform society will be sexbots. Japanese girlfriend substitutes, lifelike dolls, porn saturation… all signs are pointing toward a technological coalescence of immense implications for relations between the sexes. It’s a horny new world on the horizon of men having sex with the artificial women of their dreams. Mein Gott.
Much has been written about the sexbot phenomenon, with the skeptics focusing on the technical limitations (men make this argument) and the insistence that sexbots would not satisfy male sexual desire like real women would (women make this argument). It’s possible the technical hurdles to creating a sexually pleasing mechanical woman that could compete with real women might be too high, but assuming those hurdles are jumped, I offer the following future scenario.
A robot that is an exact replica of your favorite supermodel and that has feedback to sound and touch (for example, she’ll move her limbs and gyrate during sex as well as talk dirty and respond to commands) would supplant all other masturbation tools as the preferred method of getting off for men who can afford it. Once sexbots become affordable, internet porn consolidates to one or two websites for spank snobs who insist on “authenticity” and proles who must suffer the humiliation of not only being too poor to afford real women but fake ones as well. But, outside of self-pleasure and procreation, would sexbots replace real women?
For some men, yes. The replacement would be total, at least until the dating market adjusted to the new reality. For other men, sexbots would be a part-time replacement. The result will be a shift in the mating landscape that will put selection pressures on humanity equivalent to a massive plague or a catastrophic famine.
Sexbots are a very real threat to the established order because men’s sexuality is so visually driven. Compared to women, it is a rather simple affair to create an alternative sexual outlet for men. Think about romance novels which are the porn equivalent for women. It’s a mentally-taxing affair to write a book, even a trashy, plot-by-numbers one. But displaying photos of naked women for the consumption of men takes a few mindless seconds. Now imagine a Natalia Vodianova sexbot in every bachelor pad. The raw visual and tactile appeal of that will keep men holed up in their bedrooms for weeks straight.
Some of the changes I foresee:
Omegas (geeks, nerds, dweebs, trolls, dregs, dullards, bums, street filth, etc.) – will finally have a satisfying release for their pent-up horniness. Crime will likely drop as a result. So will rape. Widely available sexbots are analogous to cheap, legal prostitution, minus the STDs and needle tracks. On the whole I think it is a social good to distract the losers from their grinding misery. Since these guys weren’t getting laid anyway, availing themselves of sexbots won’t have much impact on the dating market. Sexbots could also be compassionate. Giving a homeless guy a sexbot will do more for his happiness than $5 for liquor or a sympathetic smile from a cute soup kitchen volunteer.
Betas (niceguys with a heart of gold and zero sex appeal) - the more frustrated betas will retreat from the dating scene to be with their sexbots. They’ll not opt out completely, though. Having a decent job and a willingness to help raise a family is still a form of buying power. I see sexbots for betas dissuading them from learning the art of seduction, thus making them even more ineffectual in the field as their already-meager skills atrophy. He might think to himself, “what’s the point of dealing with the frustrations and delayed gratification of dating mediocre looking women for subpar sex when I have a Rachel Weisz sexbot waiting at home for me?” A big negative feedback loop could result, where the lower status betas exercise their sexbot option with increasing regularity until they have excluded themselves completely from bothering with meeting women. This will open up room in the dating market for
Aspiring Alphas (betas who know a thing or two) – As low status betas and omegas retreat from the dating scene to be with their sexbots, aspiring alphas will be more in demand than ever. It’s a simple numbers game — more women for every man willing to expose himself to the whims of dating and rejection from real women means these men will have an easier time honing their game and achieving sexual satisfaction. Even a guy willing to put in minimal effort shaping up his game will find the pickings easy. The consequences? Less commitment, more casual sex, and more partners. Not to mention more first date anal. You can stop taking salsa classes now.
Alphas (guys who won’t have to martyr themselves for 72 virgins) - will reap a tremendous beaver bounty. The direct and indirect benefits of the sexbot revolution will flow to the alphas. The direct benefit? Although he is the guy who won’t need sexbots because he gets plenty of quality real ass for little investment, he will probably have a few in the closet for those times when his girlfriends have a collective headache. Plus, the off button is very appealing to the inveterate womanizer. The indirect benefit? More women vying for his seed. I predict that over time the smothering ego-boosting attentions of the fangirls will make the alpha soft, paving the way for lower ranking males to usurp his position in the bangarchy.
Ugly Women – drop out entirely.
Plain Women – put out on first dates.
Beautiful Women – choose harem initiation with a super alpha.
Marriage - uncertain. Either marriage will take a bodyblow from which it will never recover, or paradoxically divorce will decrease as husbands inclined to stray fulfill their cravings for variety with non-human mistresses. With the sequestering of betas to their sexbotatoriums, the price of alphas on the market will skyrocket. They will call the shots in matters of marriage — I see a regression to sanctioned polygamy and overt adultery. This will herald the end of Western civilization.
Love - The virus in the borg. Love may save the day. A man’s need for love will keep him in the game. But not in the same capacity. He’ll be roused to go on a few dates but he’ll feel no pressure to get laid and will probably have unrealistic expectations about what kind of women he deserves based on wistful comparisons with the hot robot he fornicates with daily. Ladies, if you think guys are selfish, egotistical pricks now, just wait until they start showing up to dates basked in the afterglow of sex with their Jessica Alba robots. It is going to take a lot more to win over a guy who is that sexually satisfied.
Conclusion – The entire market structure of dating will shift seismically in the direction of men becoming choosier and less willing to please and women becoming looser and more willing to please.
The basic premise I have outlined above rests on a simple observation — the more physically satisfying choices men have to sate their lust, the less needy they will be with women. And non-neediness translates into a slight downgrade in the asking price of single women. Because women are more loathe to settle than men, there will be a rush to the top as the dwindling number of acceptable male prospects commands the attentions of an ever-growing pool of women. Polygamy will rush in to fill the need.
An American friend, let’s call him Phil, has discovered the bounties of East European girls. After a lifetime of drama dating compatriots of every known taxonomy, he recently hooked up with a cute Polish chick and, in his words, “there’s no going back”. We had an IM exchange where he explained his revelation:
Phil: she gave me a BJ in the park
Phil: behind a tree
Me: how long have you been going out?
Phil: a few weeks
Phil: she is completely sexually uninhibited
Phil: have you ever had a girl lick your asshole?
Me: she’s already doing that for you?
Phil: well, not quite. i didn’t want her to. so she licked the taint.
Phil: that’s not the half of it
Me: your game must be exceptional
Phil: actually, i used very little game on her
Phil: she said she was going for a walk and i said “why don’t you join me for a walk near my place”.
Me: and two weeks later her tongue was on your taint
Phil: as if it was the natural progression of things
Me: no shit tests?
Phil: not a one. her sincerity actually confused me at first.
Me: how old is she?
Phil: 23 [editor's note: considerably younger than my friend]
Phil: i told her i was going to tell my friends about her, the sex stuff and everything
Phil: and she said “it’s OK to share our joy with your friends”
Phil: she treats me like a king
Phil: she loves sex
Phil: you should see her smile when she sees me.
Me: is she shorn?
Phil: yep, and she offered to shave mine
Me: i hear wedding bells
Phil: i can’t believe what i’ve been missing all these years
Phil: no more yentas for me
And so another red-blooded American male urbanite has succumbed to the sweet nectar of foreigner love, forever turned off to the idea of dating the homegrown talent. Phil said that if, in the future, he found himself in the company of an American girl his expectations for her would be much higher. Thanks to the eye-opening experience with this girl, there are certain behaviors and outlooks on life he just won’t abide anymore.
I asked him, as good as things were with his Polish girl, if he thought there was a catch. His answer? “When is there not a catch? At least with her, getting caught doesn’t feel like a power struggle.”
Phil is now a big proponent of importing into the US millions of young women from former Communist countries.
When we were teenagers I remember my brother coming home from dental surgery with a plastic container holding his four extracted wisdom teeth, blood and bits of flesh still clinging to the roots. I thought it was so cool. So did he, if his proud grin was any indication.
I’m having a wisdom tooth pulled tomorrow. I would like to keep the tooth and make intimidating jewelry out of it. Bone jewelry sends men running in a panic and women twirling their hair with arousal. I could tell people that it’s my own tooth I wear as a talisman imparting me with wisdom, or I could say it’s a souvenir I pulled from the jaw of my vanquished enemy, similar to this guy:
a warrior knows how to accessorize.
Some ideas I have are the tooth ring:
and the tooth necklace:
A man moving through the world without apology should adorn himself with powerful symbols of virility. If I engender a hint of disgust and fear in women who see me wearing teeth jewelry, I’ll know I’m projecting the right image. Running tight game is a breeze when people think you’re a warlord.