Conjugal Bliss

There are certain products that just seem to belong together, but as far as I know, remain undiscovered pairings.  After I munched some coffee beans to temporarily boost my IQ a few points, I brainstormed the following consumer product marriage:

  plus 

No, I’m not talking about regular horns on bikes.  I want to see big ass bitchin air horns strapped to the handlebar.  I’ve never seen nor heard a bicyclist blow one of these.  Think of the applications.

– Similar to a really small motorcycle helmet that only covers the crown of the head, a gigantic air horn on a bike is a safety feature that doesn’t sacrifice your masculine cool.  Teens will clamor for this life-saving device.

– I once saw a TV show that had kids in a car driving slowly by unsuspecting bicyclists and pedestrians and blowing an obnoxiously loud air horn out the window.  Hilarity ensued as the bikers tumbled to the ground and people standing at their mailboxes threw their handfuls of mail into the air and peed themselves in shock.  Coming from a bicyclist, this would be even funnier.  As if they weren’t clamoring enough, teens will now pine for this life-saving, prankster-enabling device.

– Asshole drivers yapping into cellphones have always annoyed bike messengers.  The bikers must have had a lot of brushes with death because when they get cut off by one of these suitboys on the phone with their broker or some spaced out chick driving and gossiping in a 5-way conference call with her friends they get really angry, cursing like a sailor and giving the finger to the driver, sometimes even banging on the hood with a fingerless gloved hand.  I heard this on U St just the other day:  YOU MOTHERFUCKING FUCK GET THE FUCK OFF THE CELL COCKSUCKER!!!  Most of the time, the driver hardly notices, what with his five senses occupied by navigating DC’s notoriously retarded streets and taking calls.  But now with the air horn-equipped bike the messenger can toot blast the driver and know he’ll get his full attention.  Double thrills if this causes the driver to throw the cell into the air and swerve into a fire hydrant.  No more ineffectual foul-mouthing; with the mighty air horn the bike messenger’s knowing smirk will say it all.  Forget pining, teens everywhere will pre-cum for this accident-causing bike accessory.

– Skirt chasing was never so much fun.  Re-live those days when you used to stick your head out the car window and yell I LOVE YOU! as you drove by cute chicks standing on the sidewalk, except now do it in style with the air horn.  Blast away and watch as the fright sends fire coursing through her loins.  Chicks dig unpredictability, and the air horn has that base covered.  Don’t even bother with formalities — just toss her the engagement ring.  She’s already yours for life.  Bonus:  The ride on your handlbars back to your pad gets her juiced up for lovemaking.  Teens will be apoplectic.

I’d patent this, but the patent process costs $20K.  Instead, I’ll kindly ask people not to steal my incredibly brilliant idea until I have a chance to build a business empire around it.  Most people are good, so this should work.