She Eats Her Peas One at a Time

Women don’t have to be the only ones to enjoy the fine art of pigeonholing the opposite sex based on superficial attributes like his choice in cologne, the color of the buttons on his striped shirt, or whether his fly is undone.  Now men, too, can peer into the soul of prospective mates using the flimsiest criteria.  At least some of the idiosyncrasies I look for have the imprimatur of science behind them.

Is her index finger longer than her ring finger?

If so, she’s a girly girl.  Normal in most respects.  I won’t expect surprises from her.  If, otoh, her ring finger is longer she will probably be more assertive, less coy, hornier, more logical, and slower to fall in love.  She will have likely played a team sport at some point in her life.  She may dress like a tomboy.  She’ll employ an array of head games, but with an emphasis on the aggressive part of passive-aggressive.  Odds are she plays guitar, that most manly of instruments (long ring fingers make fretting easier).

Does she have lots of dark forearm hair?

Girls with this have more circulating testosterone.  They will be more likely to sleep with you by date 3.  Although forearm hair on a girl is unattractive, rejoice when you see it, because it means the moment of sexual congress is nigh.

Is her heart line broken?

Read her palm.  It’s an integral part of any man’s pickup routine.  Even the most intelligent and educated girl will suspend her disbelief when the subject turns to the paranormal.  Does she have a lot of hatch marks on her heart line?  Hatches, or interruptions, in the heart line mean you are one lover amongst many.  Don kevlar condoms.

Which finger does she accessorize with ring(s)?

Excluding wedding bands and dowries in the shape of diamond engagement rings, the ancient Greeks had a system of associating each finger with a god.  The finger she puts her ring on represents the god to whom she pays homage.  You’ll see a lot of DC women wearing their rings on their index fingers, the finger of Zeus, symbolizing leadership, control, and power.  Expect a woman with an index finger ring to enjoy sex on top, demonstrating her subjugation of you, a mere mortal.  She may even choke you a little… watch for icepicks.  A ring on her middle finger, representing Dionysus, means she’s a jump-up-on-the-bar, lookatme chick.

Does she have a large trashy tattoo anywhere near an erogenous zone?

Slut.

Does she sport one small tattoo not of a butterfly or Chinese symbol?

She’s a good girl with a healthy libido yearning for some harmless excitement.  Don’t make the mistake of assuming she’s a slut.  She’s just waiting for you to think that.  Her benign tattoo smokes out the judgemental pricks (narrator excluded).

Does she carry a small purse?

She’s practical!  She’s down to earth!  She has the right values!  The small purse says so many positive things about a woman — it’s only big enough to hold the essentials, like cell, lipstick, gum; it’s easy to carry so she’ll focus more on your conversation than on how best to maneuver a monster purse into a comfortable yet showy position; and it doesn’t insist upon itself that the world recognize her fashion savvy.  Introduce her to Mom.

Does she carry a humongous designer handbag?

Opposite of above.  Her god is materialism, her goal is status, her groin is gonorrific.  Feel free to crush her heart as callously as possible.  It’s dominate or be dominated when you tangle with a giant-purse-carrying wench.

Is she a redhead?

Naughty nympho.  Sex with her will be amazing.  Sign her waiver absolving her of any culpability for damages incurred as a result of the future depraved acts she will put you through.  Think I’m glibly stereotyping redheads?  Check this out:

From the 19th century Cesare Lombroso reports the hair color frequencies of whorish Women Offenders Against Chastity:

                     Criminal    Normal

Fair-haired           26%      12%
Dark-haired          26%      20%
Red-haired            48%      0%
Chestnut haired    41%      68%

Stereotypes don’t materialize out of thin air, you know.  Once your sultry redhead has corrupted your tender heart, pop the question:

“Did you steal my wallet?” 

Is she a blonde?

She might be dumb…

Of the 50 subjects with learning disabilities, 10 (20%) were blond. In contrast, 121 of 1067 subjects without learning disabilities were blond (11%)… subjects with learning disabilities were nearly twice as likely to be blond compared with non-LD subjects…. These results raise the possibility that melanin may be involved both in the development of motor dominance and independently in the devilment of neural systems which, when maldeveloped, result in learning disabilities. (Schachter, Ransel & Geschwind (1987) Associations of Handedness with hair color and learning disabilities Neuropsychologia 25: pp. 275)

…but more likely she’s just got a big bloated head from all the guys slobbering over her.  Show her off to your friends while satisfying your cravings for hot, wet, sheet-twisting boom boom with the ponytailed brunette you met at a crafts fair.