Bumping Into Exes

I broke my previous record for number of consecutive days bumping into a different ex each time.  I’m now at four straight days, although in the interest of accuracy one of those girls was a brief fling, making her ex status questionable.

Unfortunately, this city is not big enough to shelter me anonymously from failed relationships.  Because of the threat of ex sightings, I can now no longer leave the house without looking my absolute best.  I may soon have to hire a permanent escort with a minimum D cup to accompany me on any strolls around town so that I always have the upper hand should an ex happen by.  The lowest possible hand is to be walking alone, unshowered, and sporting three days growth stubble when you bump into the ex sharing massive PDA with her new boyfriend.  And she’s eight months pregnant.  You will cringe at the look of pity in her eyes.

Having hand is important for any ex you meet, but it’s essential when the ex was the dumper rather than the dumpee.  You never want to give an ex like that the satisfaction of thinking she made the right decision by leaving you.  There is no better way to have her doubting the wisdom of dumping you than to parade an even hotter chick in front of her.  It is an especially sweet victory when you are with your new girl and the ex is alone.  You will barely be able to contain your smirk as your ex grits her teeth, nods her head robotically, and flashes a very insincere smile.  Be sure to rub it in by dragging out the conversation as long as possible:

“yeah, great to see you, too.  hey, how’s the atkins diet working out for you so far?”

Her painful, awkward squirming will be worth every delicious second.  Take advantage of these opportunities because the fates align only a few times in your life to execute a flawless upper hand maneuver.  One good ex-girlfriend humiliation is equivalent to a lifetime Prozac prescription.

The emotional anguish of seeing an ex depends a lot on how it ended.

You Dumped Her And Did Not Feel Bad About It

Zero ex issues.  You are completely indifferent to her and will not care how you are perceived by her in the event of a chance meeting.  A totally chill and relaxed conversation ensues.  This, of course, will arouse her enough to rush home and masturbate to fond memories of you.

You Dumped Her And Felt Bad About It

Both of you will feel awkward, thus ensuring the world’s shortest conversation.  If you are with a girl and your ex is alone, you will feel really bad and act to hide your new girlfriend’s presence by physically stepping in between her and your ex.  You will also do the right thing and stop tonguing down your girlfriend long enough to spare your ex’s feelings.

The Breakup Was Mutual

1% of breakups are truly mutual.  The other 99% are painful because no matter what anyone says, one person in the equation didn’t want it to end.  Amicably mutual breakups are great because they are the only instances when the formerly sexual relationship can evolve into a fulfilling asexual friendship.  Under no other circumstances can, or should, you ever be “friends” with an ex.  Acquaintances, sure.  Friends, no.

She Dumped You And You Handled It Like A Man

While seeing your ex will cause a knot to grow in your chest, at least you will shine with the pride of knowing you walked away from the breakup with your balls fully descended.  Consequently, you will be able to manage a non-weird exchange with her.  Use this opportunity to flirt with abandon as a reminder of the long-ago sexy man she opened her heart and her vagina for.  She will win if you act like a desexualized buddy with her, so be the cocky oversexed player that you were before the relationship domesticated you and deny her that win.

She Dumped You And You Handled It Like A Mewling Beta

The worst case scenario.  You still want her, you are ashamed of your pathetic beggar’s response to the breakup, and your wounded pride demands revenge.  With the deck so egregiously stacked against you, there is little chance you will rein in your runaway emotions, constricting airway, and cotton mouth in her presence.  Only those with the most impressive state control can look the basilisk in the eye and walk away unpetrified.  Your best bet is to have fortune favor you so that your ex bumps into you while you are out with a new girl on your arm.  Note of caution:  if your new girl is uglier than your ex, you will feel like an even bigger loser than before.

To recap:

Correct impression to leave with ex

Incorrect impression to leave with ex