Bachelor Pad Seduction Props

Things I “accidentally” leave lying around and conspicuously displayed when she comes back to my place:

• A photo of me and a hot ex.

You know the golden rule: Girls love guys who are loved by other girls. Be careful with this ploy, you’ll need total plausible deniability. If she suspects that you intentionally left an ex photo in full view for her to stumble across you’ll spend more time explaining yourself and less time adding a new photo to your collection. My advice is to have a few other photos of random scenes that don’t include your exes strewn haphazardly across your desk or coffee table (but make sure the ex pic is prominent so her eye will go there first), with a photo album nearby, so that it looks like you were in the middle of updating the album. Also, you’ll need a solid story for why you have an ex photo that doesn’t lead her to believe you are still hung up on your ex and masturbating to old pics of her in the middle of the night. When she finds the pic, just say “Oh yeah, forgot about her. It’s funny how much stuff we forget organizing old photos.”

Adorable pictures of little nieces and nephews sitting in your lap or on your shoulders work well, too. Your computer’s screensaver is very handy for this sort of photo game.

Note: Old school print photos that are curling at the edges pack a more powerful emotional punch than photos on LCD screens.

• A baby book of myself.

Actually, I really did leave this lying around accidentally when my mother gave me a box of stuff from her attic to keep. To my pleasant surprise, it worked like a charm many times because I was much cuter at three than I am now, plus there is a lock of my toddler hair in there that always elicits an “aww”, but I decided it sent too many nesting signals and not enough jackhammering signals, so I have since packed it away out of sight.

• My guitar

I play guitar as a hobby so there is nothing deliberate about its display, except that I have it propped up near my bed. I’ve serenaded girls from various points in my place and come to the conclusion that strumming a tune for her on the bed is the best location. Some guys like to do their serenading from the living room since that’s where the girl will be sitting when she first arrives, and playing a song for her is an excellent mood-building routine in the early stages of the seduction phase of the pickup. But I have artsy black and white photographs I’ve shot hanging on the wall to do that for me, so I save my guitar playing for later in the bedroom where one 30 second song verse can obviate the need for a half hour of foreplay. Spanish Ballad will blow away last minute resistance better than hours of grinding tactical retreats and freeze-outs.

• A book on Tantric sex

For “spiritual enlightenment” purposes. This is the only subliminal message porn you’ll be able to non-creepily display in the open. For this reason, I’m always rushing to minimize my “erotica” folder on the monitor when she goes to the bathroom.

• Fresh flowers in a vase

What guy keeps fresh flowers in his place? Her mind will reel at the possibilities, most likely imagining you have other girls giving you flowers for your lovemaking prowess. If she’s thinking that, it cuts your work in half. If she asks, evade.

Her: “Did you get those flowers yourself?”
You: “They smell good, don’t they? Go ahead, take a whiff. I like the uplifting mood they add to the room.”

If she presses:

Her: “So who got them?”
You: “I have a secret admirer at work. I may as well keep them. Who throws out fresh flowers?”

NOTE: Dead flowers in a vase sends the wrong message. It says you’re either too lazy to dump them in the trash or you’re lamenting an ex who gave you those flowers months ago. Only Europeans are allowed to keep dried up flowers as display pieces.

• SLR camera on a tripod

What do you take pictures of?
Whatever my art demands.
Any people?
If they’re right for the camera.
Am I right for the camera?
As you are, maybe. Stand over there.
So, what do you think?
There’s potential. But you wouldn’t be able to do nudes.
Why not?
It’s a gift. Only a few women have the aura to hold the camera’s attention in the nude.
You’re wrong! I’m sure I would have the aura.
We’ll see. I could be wrong, but not usually.

• Cookbooks

Don’t bother learning how to cook. Just have a few cookbooks on the shelf where she can see them and the effect will be the same. Tell her you’ll cook for her “one day”, and keep putting it off.

• Stripper pole

I’m holding it for a friend.