Shit Stains After Sex

A reader wrote me asking for advice about a delicate situation. He asked me in private but since I think this is an important issue that all guys should know about (and that the email was probably a joke), I’ve posted it here and removed all identifying information.

ive been reading your blog for a while and its helped me tighten up my game a lot since i got out of an X yr relationship.  some of your tips actually helped me land a solid 8 that ive been dating for a while now, and things are getting pretty serious.  sex is awesome, and shes always up for it.  id say in general im pretty happy with the girl and shes definitely long-term material.

…[so] we have a great time banging, she stays over, whatever.  in the morning she goes home and when im getting up to get dressed, etc, i turn the light on and on my white sheets i see a (admittedly super small) shitstain on the bed – where her hole would be when i was drilling away at her.  this is gross of course, but look, everyone has a bad day down there once in a while (though in my opinion a girl never, ever should).  im willing to forgive that and just put it very quickly out of my mind, especially cuz its so small, etc.

Once a girl left a small brown spot on my bedsheet which I didn’t notice until a few days later. (I sleep on my couch a lot.) I was so incredulous that I had to verify it was what it looked like, so I poked my nose in it and sniffed. It’s amazing how long a shit odor can last in 20 thread count fabric.

so big deal right?  unfortunately, [after that incident], i met up with her after work for dinner/drinks.  b/c of this, she of course didnt shower, which bothers me cuz im like that, but whatever.  anyway, we bang a bunch of times that night and i sorta forgot about that one time and she goes home in the morning.  i wake up later and pull back my white sheets (forgot to mention they are white), and AGAIN, though much fainter ill say, there were a FEW different stains, and clearly brown in nature.

If there’s no odor, I would suggest investing in chocolate brown sheets. Out of sight, out of mind.

as i said, im pretty into this girl, and i dont want to just kick her to the curb.  so im just curious what you think about the situation.  is there some way i can get her to check her hygiene?  get that shit in line?  i know cuz youre such a tough guy “alpha” you might immediately default to not talking to her again, but again, i like her, and right now im enjoying the sex, etc etc.  plus im not a huge fan of constantly going out and trying to pick up chicks, cuz im over that shit these days.

First, be sure it’s a shit stain. If you bang a girl toward the end of her period (or during it. My needs don’t take five day holidays) any leftover unejected blood will mix with her vaginal lubrication and leave an ugly reddish-brown discharge on your shaft when you pull out. Vigorous thrusting means a little will dribble out past her taint and onto the bed, leaving stains that look like shit droplets. DO NOT under any circumstances smell this period blood/vaj mucous mix because the odor is horrendous. Try to contain your morbid curiosity. I’ve already done the smelling for you, so the public interest is served by my poor impulse control.

Anyhow, post-coital period froth is a natural bodily phenomenon and nothing to be alarmed over. If, on the other hand, you are sure it’s shit stains she’s tracking on your bed like a dog with worms, then I have to ask — is your girlfriend 90 years old? That might explain the incontinence. If she’s a healthy young woman then either you are pounding her too hard with an oversized member and shaking loose some dingleberries, or she’s a lazy wiper.

Poor hygiene can be a deal breaker. No matter how hot a girl is, if her breath causes me to retch I won’t ever want to kiss her. I’m certainly not going to give a rimjob to a girl with ring around the rectum. The old “tough guy alpha” would tell you to move on, girls are interchangeable and you don’t need to settle for a lazy wiper. But the new Compassionate Me of Transcendent Love recommends you leave a roll of 4-ply toilet paper on her pillow with a little note saying “thought you might like to try this. it’s so soft!”

Oh yeah, if it turns out she has colon cancer, dump her.

Hope this helps!

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On a related note, this reader’s question reminded me of a story from my past. I was banging this marginal chick when I turned her over for doggy action. I like to spread the cheeks apart while doing a girl from behind and when I did I was immediately assaulted by a strong whiff of asshole. It was like a shitcloud hitting me in the face. Every time I spread her cheeks a new blast of stink would fly up my nose. I pressed her ass cheeks together to contain the smell. I turned my head to the side and my eyes began to tear up. I pressed tighter. Between the bad odor and not being able to watch the action because I was looking away from her ass with tears in my eyes, I started to deflate in her vagina. Even though I’m sure she could tell I was losing my wood inside her, she still moaned, kind of like how a teenager will act drunk when he’s been drinking non-alcoholic beer all night. I pulled out before I went completely flaccid, ran to the bathroom, and disposed of the unspoiled condom in the toilet, but not before I pondered the possibility of re-using it in the future on a cleaner girl. Condoms aren’t cheap.

I finished up to odor-free porn after she left.