Your Gay Doom

A reader forwarded me this Washington DC Craigslist ad from the W4M section:

LTR wanted ..but not romance – 40

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Reply to: xxx
Date: 2009-04-19, 2:53PM EDT

OK … before some men get all in an uproar, I will tell you that this is totally sincere, so please, no bashing. I am a divorced mother of two who would like a LTR (friendship, obviously) with a sincere, genuine gay man. He needs a woman on his arm for, well, any number of reasons, it doesn’t matter to me. I am well aware of how the world works. I am not without means, but I am in need of other “support”. I’m tired of the way straight guys treat me, I want a best friend who is supportive and interested. Maybe we can help each other. I know this sounds crazy, but lets face it, a lot of what is on this site is nuts! I am articulate, attractive, slender, brunette, educated, and have a sarcastic,wicked sense of humor. I can keep up in most conversations, and am willing to do the homework needed to be done if I feel I cannot. I am willing to relocate, ready for a fresh start…no one knows me…I’m new in town. I just want a stable, friendly, supportive relationship, no drama. To be needed, appreciated, and to give that back to someone. Is this possible? Again, no offence intended to anyone. Please put “SINCERE” in your reply with a pic (if you want mine) or you will be deleted.

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I predict we will be seeing a lot more of this in the coming decades as the culture shifts to de facto polygamy. Bitter divorcees, cougars, single moms, urban slut machines, aging yentas, used up playettes, trend whores and Samantha cliches all seeking the gossipy witty banter, emotional frivolity and fashion expertise of a gay boyfriend. Get ready for a tsunami of women scrambling to adopt their very own Best Gay Boyfriend (BGBF) so they can lock arms asexually and skip down M Street while window shopping for SWPL “antique” necklaces and giggling about penis varieties.

But it won’t be easy for women like the one in the CL ad above. Only 2-3% of men Nair their assholes and know what fuschia looks like, so women will be fighting over a very small demographic. Since I am a man of great generosity and kindness, I will offer advice to these women on how to get a leg up over the competition.

• Don’t be needy.

Yes, ladies, you are now in the position of the man chasing the woman. A gay man has his pick of the annoyingly sarcastic slut with emotional baggage litter, while you are stuck having to chase down a tiny pool of gay men for fabulously platonic commitment. Your neediness will send him running faster than a string of desperate voicemails at 3AM. I predict you will fail at this, since most women have little experience in the psychological art of practiced aloofness. Talk to your alpha guy friends for tips and tricks.

• Expect to share.

If your BGBF tells you he’s spending the afternoon with (the much better dresser) Tiffany, you’ll just have to suck it up. Don’t pout and don’t pressure. Know that you are one among many and be glad that you get a few hours each week of your BGBF’s emotional jizz.

• Be hot.

True, gay men don’t want to sleep with you, but they are aficionados of the aesthetic. They want arm candy they can dress up in size 0 clothes and admire like an art collector admires a great painting. Uglies and fatties need not apply. Might I suggest for them the Best Lesbian Girlfriend (BLGF)?

• Learn to flatter.

Many playettes and stuck-up whores have forgotten how to flatter, so used to receiving flattery are they from beta chumps their whole lives. The BGBF will not tolerate your coy circumspection. He has too many prospects who will give him the ego boosting compliments his attention whoring soul craves for him to put up with less than obsequious suckassery from you. Pucker up, bitch!

• Accept cheating.

If you catch your BGBF cheating with another girlfriend, you have no choice but to swallow your pride. Remember, you are an accessory to his life; if you get in the way of his doing what he wants when he wants, he will dump you forthwith. There is no getting between a gay man and his hedonism.

• Cultivate a thick skin.

A BGBF will let you know when the first hint of cottage cheese dimples your ass. He has no reason to sugarcoat anything, since he’s not trying to get in your hole. Take his constructive criticism with stoicism and shed those bottled-up tears late at night when you’re alone with your cat. He”ll lick your salty tears up.

I just noticed in the CL ad that the divorced mother of two is “willing to relocate, ready for a fresh start”. What a selfish bitch. She’s willing to pull her kids away from their father, their friends and a stable environment so she can spend more time with a fag swapping ego assuaging compliments. If this doesn’t say it all about the depths to which American women have degenerated, I don’t know what does. She must have been a repeat pump and dump victim during her 20s and 30s for her to have nursed such bitterness toward straight men. No doubt when she says she’s tired of the way straight guys treat her, she means she’s too old to get alphas to commit to her and now at the overripe age of 40 needs a compliant beta provider to help her raise her bastard children.

“[I] am willing to do the homework needed to be done if I feel I cannot.” It’s funny how eagerly a woman will bend over backwards to please a man when her market position is weakened. The next time you’re on a date, act as if she needs to do the homework needed to earn your attention. That is the alpha attitude that creams girls’ panties.