I Tried The Apocalypse Opener

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the magisterial Apocalypse Opener, go here to read about it in detail.

Essentially, the Apocalypse Opener is three simple sentences. A description from the link above:

You rock up to a chick and, in a confident, level voice you say

“Hey, how’s it going.”

She will say

“Fine.”

You then say

“Cool. What are you doing later?”

She will say

“I’m not sure.”

You then say

“Do you want to come home with me?”

Then you hold.

Hold.

HOLD………………..

HOLD IT MY SON……………………..

HOLD THE FUCKING LINE………………

Boom. Makeout. [editor’s note: he means a makeout should be forthcoming, not that you should initiate a makeout]

So that’s all I had to memorize. “Hey, how you doing.” “Cool. What are you up to later?” “Do you want to come home with me?” Easy enough, but of course nothing is ever that simple. The real power of the opener resides in your confident body language, casual delivery, and most importantly how well you maintain state control after you say the final knockout line. Again, from the website link above:

The key to making it work is not how you say it, but what you do in the 30 seconds after it’s left your mouth.

Before I talk specifics, let’s state the single CARDINAL SIN of the Apocalypse, which is the ONLY THING that can blow you out.

NEVER BE WEIRD

That’s it. Don’t be weird. You have to deliver the opener deadpan. Like you are talking about the WEATHER. You are not making a BIG THING of it. You’re just ASKING.

You are not MOCKING. You are not JOKING. You are not TOO SERIOUS.

It is NOT PLAYFUL however – it is REAL.

You are REALLY ASKING HER.

If she says no – you only need ONE COMEBACK.

It is this:

“Ok.”

The key to making the Apocalypse Opener (“AO”) work seems to be that you are being sexually genuine without being sexually eager. That means: No creepiness, no giggling, no bashful smiling, no reneging after you’ve uttered the killer line, and no goofball backpedaling during that critical 30 second post-opener window. In sum: NO FEAR. I imagine if the girl reacted poorly, even angrily, to the AO most guys would be tempted to reassure her that it was just a joke.

He then goes on to explain that if she says “No” you just start talking about random shit like you would do with any girl you were being friendly with in a bar. He claims that 50% of the time, a girl who declines the AO will reengage you later in the night, as long as you handled the blowout with supreme nonchalance. He also makes the outlandish claim that the AO will “work” (that is, it will result in a same night lay) 40% of the time.

I had my doubts, so I decided to try it for myself and for the entertainment of you, my readers. The things I do for you people…

I went alone to a bar I don’t normally frequent. If I was going to risk getting a beer poured on my head, I didn’t want my buddies pointing and laughing at me and I didn’t want to cause trouble in a bar where I knew the staff. I decided to make my move before it got too late in the night and crowded with garrulous frat boys that my target could wave over in case the AO failed spectacularly. I also didn’t want to use it on very drunk girls. Almost any bold direct game will work to some degree on drunk chicks, and I wanted to test the AO without alcohol falsifying the result.

I, on the other hand, needed a couple of stiff drinks for this challenge. Although the AO sounds incredibly easy on paper, when you are standing there alone in a semi-crowded bar about to take your first steps toward your target, the lines you have practiced saying by yourself suddenly jam up in your throat. The AO is no ordinary opener; I was feeling intense apprehension the likes of which I hadn’t felt since I sat next to THE CUTEST GIRL IN THE WORLD in sixth grade English class and negged her pink backpack.

I walked up to her. I chose my target well. She was standing by the bar alone. I couldn’t see the AO working on girls in mixed sets. She was a solid 6, mid or late 20s, not GF worthy, but certainly lay worthy. There was no way I was ready to run the AO on a bonafide hottie.

“Hey, what’s up.”

She smiled. “Oh, not much. You?”

“I’m alright. You doing anything later?”

“Um… I dunno. Why?”

I focused hard on sounding casual. “Do you want to come home with me?”

After I said it, I felt a tremendous rush of adrenaline. I think I might have chubbed out a little, too. I kept my eyes locked on hers and a slight smile throughout. I made sure not to arch my eyebrows imploringly.

Her mouth hung open. At first she had a startled look, then amusement, then a darkening seriousness. She glanced down at her feet then back up at me.

“How many women has this worked on?”

“If you’d prefer not to, then that’s cool.”

“I just… I mean, it’s sort of OUT THERE, you know?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe compared to the average guy.”

“Well, um, I have to tell you I’m waiting for my boyfriend to arrive. So I’m flattered, but…”

“Ok, no problem. Catch you around.”

And with that I left the bar.

Apocalypse Opener: FAIL. But of course this was a sample set of one, so I won’t draw any conclusions about its efficacy or the adroitness of my delivery yet. She may have really been waiting for a boyfriend for all I knew.

I suspect the AO won’t work very well if you are an older man hitting on a much younger woman. Large age discrepancies need indirect game. This chick wasn’t much younger than me, but if she had been 19 I think my AO would have gone over like a lead balloon. I’m not a huge proponent of direct game, (and AO is about as direct as it gets), but in situations where you already communicate high sexual status through your looks and fashion sense, the AO will yield more success for you.

Since the AO has such potential for generating humorous and humiliating stories, I plan to purchase a small voice recorder that I will hide under my shirt when I do future AO attempts. Then I will post the audio on my blog for your edification. If you don’t hear any sound after I say the opener, that means I’m getting some.