The Dark Lord

Damian called me for some advice.

Damian: So Mirabelle* [ed: no real names used] cancelled for Friday and said something came up, but she’d be OK with getting together on Sunday. Another girl playing hard to get. Any sage advice Senor StuffAMuff?

Me: You’ve been on one date and you’re already scheduling a weekend night? And she’s younger than you. And cute. She’s got prospects. You’re not going to get anywhere playing Don Juan whispering sweet nothings and amping up the romantic vibe. She’s only got a toe in the water. My advice… Like a fighter jet in a dive, pull back! Don’t try to impress her with your unstoppable silverback pursuit. You’ve gotta play the game my friend. With the especially valuable girls (young, pretty) it’s not enough to refrain from being beta; you must also fill the void with alpha. Breach the touch zone early, then stop touching her for a while. Be unpredictable in your unspoken, and spoken, intentions. Tease her more about “having to wine and dine you first” and how you like to take it slow because you’ve been burned before by girls who wound up having boring personalities. Put her on defense. Your goal is to have her working to impress you, not the other way around.

Damian: Excellent advice, a healthy reminder! Hold on, someone just texted me. [Damian checks his text message while I wait on the line] Whoa, Shana texted me. She wants me to come all the way out to [location X] to meet her and a couple of friends for drinks. More advice Poonmaster Prince!

Me: Isn’t she the sexually repressed woman who might be a virgin? The woman you haven’t banged yet? Let’s break this down. It’s 1 degree outside. It’s late. If you drive all the way out there you wil be doing so for a woman whose sweet nectar you have not yet tasted, and whose nectar may not be forthcoming at all. And to top it off, meeting her with friends so she can feel safe and snuggly in her chastity. Safe from your predations.

Damian: Oh, I wasn’t planning to go. She’s nuts if she thinks I jump like that.

Me: You know what? Call her bluff. Send her a text right now, while I’m on the phone. Tell her in plain, unaffected language that you’re not going to drive out there, and that she should come to your place tonight for drinks before it gets too late.

Damian: [Tapping out his text] Sent! Odds of her coming here are low. This doesn’t solve my horniness. I’ll need to acquire more prospects.

Me: True. But there is beauty in the short term solution as well. Send a booty call text to your ex right now.

Damian: Julie? Haha. A bold move! A booty call? That sounds so cheesy. Does that actually work? I haven’t seen her in months. I can’t imagine any woman responding well to a booty call.

Me: This is because you have the imagination of a man. You are incapable of imagining the wicked wiles that will work on women. Recall, you dumped her. This makes the booty call operational. Had she been the dumper, your booty call would be the plaintive wail of a lonely man on the corner. But since you were the dumper, rest assured she has thought of you in her dreams ever since. Send the text. Do it. Now. No punctuation. No excuses. No explanation. Type “Booty call” and nothing else. Trust me, she still has your alpha male number in her phone. Girls keep alpha numbers of asshole lovers long after their expiration.

Damian: [Typing his text while I wait on the phone. He is giggling like a schoolgirl.] I can’t believe I’m doing this! I feel like I’m starring in a rap video. I wonder if she’ll reply?

Me: I give it 70-30 she does.

Damian: Hold on… haha! She replied! Just like that. Five seconds! She wrote back “You’re funny.”

Me: That’s a yes.

Damian: You think so?

Me: Absolutely. In chicksperanto “that’s funny” translates as “I’m seriously thinking about doing this with you, as long as you don’t say anything to fuck up the rationalization hamster currently running in overdrive in my brain.” If she didn’t want to do it, she wouldn’t have replied so quickly, if at all.

Damian: What should I say to that?

Me: Write back “Yeah, I’m a comedian. Come over tonight, drinks are stirred.”

Damian: Good… OK, done.

Me: She may not come over tonight, but you’ve planted the seed for future booty calls. Water and watch it grow.

Damian: She texted again, hold on… She said she wants to hear my voice on the phone. Wow, it’s working.

Me: Godspeed.

Damian: You truly are the Dark Lord.

Me: And you, my mortal avatar.