Spot The Alpha: Red Carpet Edition

Before we begin, let me get one objection out of the way. I hate to break it to you guys reading (no I don’t) but your girlfriends and wives would cheat with any one of these celebrities I’m showcasing for this edition of spot the alpha, if the opportunity was there. Fame is the ultimate male aphrodisiac. Fame is more powerful than vast wealth, looks, or charm. On the numbers alone, it might even be more powerful than master game. While tight game can lock down a woman like no other male attractiveness trait, fame can make a million ginas tingle at once. The resulting oscillation can dampen tsunamis.

So compared to the average dude, all these male celebrities are alpha. But how do they stack up to their peers? That’s where it gets interesting. Because even at the top of the male status heap, one dick swings bigger than the rest. Who is the alpha wolf among wolves?

The stride is purposeful, but the beard is weak. Roosh’s beard laughs at you.

Verdict: Neoalpha.

She looks really happy submitting to his alphaness. It’s not just the hotness and quantity of women that mark a man as an alpha male; it’s also the strength of women’s attraction for him.

Verdict: Jail time buffed his alpha cred.

Nice gang sign, Romeo.

Verdict: Douchebag.

This guy obviously read my post on how to stand like an alpha, but, being gay, he overshot the mark.

Verdict: BHEYta!

Note how Matthew Broderick has his right hand pressed against his mare’s belly. There is an alpha way to declare executorship over your woman and a beta way. Hand all the way around smothering her belly and pulling her in is the beta way. Hand resting casually on her hip is the alpha way. She totally wears the spurs in that relationship.

Verdict: Mr. Not So Big.

Whenever a woman shows up with two men on her arm, people assume the two guys are unsexed beta orbiters or gay BFFs. Whenever a man shows up with two women on his arm, people assume he’s on his way to or returning from a threesome.

Verdict: The alpha power of preselection.

I’m a pasty white nerd with an Asian girlfriend!

Verdict: Beta.

Hand in pocket, feet shoulder width apart, head straight, chin up, chest out. Sounds good on paper, right? Unfortunately, you can understand alpha body language but still look like you’re trying too hard. I think it’s the exaggerated simian distance he holds his right arm away from his body.

Verdict: Lesser alpha.

Interesting… Was his hand caught in mid-swing, or is he sperging out about touching this chick on her back? Probably the former. If you’re this ugly and banging hot chicks, you automatically qualify as alpha no matter what your body language.

Verdict: Kill Beta.

Steve Carrell is that goofy beta who uses self-effacing humor to boost himself into greater beta status. What I’m not liking: the lean-in, the crooked bowtie, the first wife.

Verdict: Michael Scott.

If people can see up your nostrils, you’re keeping your chin at the appropriate alpha angle.

Verdict: The suave dances to the beat of the mojo.

This guy is arguably the most powerful man in Hollywood, but inside beats the beta heart of an A/V geek. After all his success, he’s still that hyperkinetic nerd who spazzes out around the cool kids. Here’s a hint, Jimmy Boy: Cool kids have a sense of humor. And don’t lean into your woman. PS: Avatar blew.

Verdict: CGI beta.

Hand in pocket (no worries), arm wrapped around girl with hand resting casually on her hip (territorial pissing), no leaning (self-actualized), girl nestled in chest (willful surrender), classic tux (no need to peacock at his status level), glint in eyes (“I fucked this chick in the limo on the drive over here”), and most damning of all, cocky shit-eating grin (“And I’m still not married. Weep bitter tears, fat proles.”). One flaw: Awkward foot placement (“Bitch’s annoying dress train is getting in the way”).

Verdict: You can’t touch this.

Writing this post was the most exposure I’ve gotten to the asinine celebrity culture all year. I feel dirty.

On a side note, notice how so many of the actors (it is PC nonsense to call actresses “actors”) in their forties look like they’re in their twenties? (Keanu Reeves, et al.) This development is perfectly predictable under the CH worldview. As women attain more and more economic empowerment and freedom from slut stigmatization, the average man’s provider beta status — once a reliable trait for attracting women into long term commitment — becomes marginalized. Thus, men under such a system begin to emphasize other male attractiveness traits in order to bed women; traits like game, assholery, and looks. The confluence of a new cultural paradigm, advanced dietary science, and plastic surgery has produced a generation of leading men who look preserved in a state of youthful repudiation of rugged manliness.