Tiger’s Texts

Pretty much what I expected from a guy like Woods. Standard issue porn jive, uncreative squirts of stilted teenboy wordpimping, over the top dominance displays suggesting his swedie wife was a harridan at home, sucking him soulless with the strong arm of the law on her side. Tiger is a good example of how a man distills into an absolute cock-centered essence once he has achieved stratospheric levels of fame and power. A man of such station is free to treat women exactly as most men would treat them given the same endless opportunity — as disembodied holes packaged in fleshwrap to slap, smack, and summon until the desired vigor of tumescence was reached. The only shock allowed here should be how much women love it.

Tiger is a case study of what happens to a myopic, socially undiscerning man who acquires too much alpha too quickly. Soaking in their power, they forget that discretion, and long term planning, are the order of the day. Woods failed the famous person’s Jumbotron test, the harem management test, and, most critically, the marriage test.

Besides the cautionary tale, men can learn a thing or two from Tiger’s texts. One, note that, although lewdly banal, Tiger’s texts do occasionally veer into beta territory. A glimpse here and there of sucking up to his whores’ needs for a sign of long term commitment, and then lashing out wildly when things didn’t go his way or when one of his hos misbehaved, should tell you that Tiger had no idea how to properly control his stable of regulars. He was always perched on the precipice. Perhaps this is why they betrayed him with opportunistic zeal, whereas a guy like George Clooney, who presumably knows more about the nature of women, fucks around with impunity, confident that his women would keep their secret.

Two, men can improve their texting success with women by aping a lot of what Tiger did with his women. It’s easy for TMZ commenters to make fun of Tiger’s crass descriptions of buttsecks and his penchant for playing International Autistic Spy when he leaves detailed rendezvous instructions to his mistresses, but the fact is that sort of blatantly sex-drenched text talk and role playing is exactly what turns women on. You don’t need Woods’ fame or money to take advantage of this attraction trigger in women. Just remember not to break out the dirty talk until after you’ve said hello.