Reader Mailbag: Poke Rape Edition

Email #1:

Short and sweet

What is a good response to a girls question of

“What is your biggest fantasy”

Seems like saying something crazy and different would be a good response, right?

The chick wants to know if her fantasies are compatible with your fantasies. Three ways to tackle this. Smolderingly serious, jokingly over-the-top, or intriguingly evasive.

Serious answer: “To scale the heights of Kilimanjaro during the autumnal equinox, and to gaze down at the herds of feminists stampeding across the veldt.”

Jokey answer: “You, me, your mom, Cool HHWip.”

Evasive answer: “We’ll see.”

Use the serious answer on girls you know something about, so that you can tailor your response. Use the jokey answer on attention whores and party girls. Use the evasive answer on girls who are already into you.

References to breastal motorboating, public sex or blumpkins should be avoided.

Email #2:

Dear Chateau,

This Asian chick I’ve been hooking up with for the past month told me at lunch (I’m in highschool) that my friend poke raped her. I asked her to define rape, and she said that she might be exagerrating and that he actually poked her in the boob. My friend defended himself (although a bit in jest) saying that he merely poked her in the side. This prompted her to do an exaggeration demonstration as she poked him in the chest (boob).

I looked at him seriously for a few seconds, and when he held out his fist to fist bump, I waited a few seconds before fist bumping him.

I don’t really care about if anything happened, but I am curious as to why you think a girl would do this (oi! he raped me)? Is she trying to tell me that some one else is interested in her?

(The relationship we have is unofficial. There are a few other things that may be in play that I don’t know about, but they are unimportant to me. This relationship is a learning one.)

W

Poke rape? Wow, high school has really gotten lame since I was there. What happened to heavy makeouts in the stairwell in between classes?

The tempestuous geisha is trying to make you jealous. She wants to see some sign of commitment from you in the form of defending her virtue from male interlopers. Ignore her sly provocations. Play with her expectations. Ask if her boob needs to go to rape counseling. Ask her to finger the suspect (ha). And don’t fistbump your buddy. He encroached on your territory.

Email #3:

Hello, first I would like to thank you for your wonderful blog, it has really helped turn my life around, so feel free to include your answer to this on your site.

I have a problem with erectile dysfunction, and it is really freaking me out as I am only a 24 year old man and am in otherwise excellent physical condition.  The problem was I didn’t know I had it until recently.  I’ve always been a very quiet type guy, ie the nice guy, and until the past year when I started reading your blog I have had almost no success with women.

I’ve been working very hard to turn my life around, and a couple nights ago I was finally able to get a very attractive 21 year old foreign girl into bed with me, and then it happened.  When we were kissing, I was rock hard, I was hard when she was sucking my dick, but when I penetrated my boner was killed almost immediately.  I can’t stress enough how embarrassing this was for me and I cant imagine what was going through her head.

I wonder if  the fact that it had been such a long time that I’ve been with a woman (several years) might have played a role since you just cant duplicate what it feels like to fuck a girl, but I find it very unnerving that I wasn’t able to keep an erection for a girl that I found very attractive.

I tried to play it off like she wasn’t doing enough to stimulate me, and she ended up staying the night and sucking me off again in the morning before she left, but I feel like I’ve ruined this situation.  My immediate plan is to see a doctor and get a prescription for viagra(that shit is ridiculously expensive), but I’m wondering if there’s anything that I can do in the mean time to save face with her.

One side of me wants to tell her that I just don’t find her very attractive but I was trying to make it work because she has a great personality and end the relationship there, while the other side get the medication and try to work it out since I really do like her personality.  I feel like she will just disgust me if I were to tell her the truth, but I could be wrong.

Thoughts?

I wish I could give you firsthand knowledge here to help you over your problem, but I’ve rarely underperformed. Instead, I’ll have to engage in some speculation with a layman’s understanding of the relevant medical science.

You’re 24, little to no previous sexual experience with women, and you’ve got a foreign girl in bed thanks to what you’ve learned reading this blog. I’m 90% sure it’s nerves, dude. Nothing physically wrong with you. It happens to every man occasionally. Usually it happens when you’re bumbling with the condom, or the phone rings and you’re distracted by the possibility that it’s your other girlfriend calling. No biggie; just tell the chick you need to rest for a minute and let her run her fingers over you while you put your arms behind your head and listen to music. Your boner will be back in no time.

One thing you didn’t mention was whether you were wearing a condom. Very tight and thick condoms can kill boners dead. Try ultra-thins. If she’s up for it, play just the raw dog tip. Don’t penetrate right away; build tension, tap her vulva with your dick head, go in an inch and pull out, etc. Eat celery, lots of it. My loads get incredibly viscous and milky-white after five stalks of celery. Take an l-arginine supplement, 500mg, three or four pills per day. Lift heavy weights. Get your testosterone level and your triglycerides checked by a doc. Don’t bother with Viagra until you’ve tried everything else.

Here’s a little trick I’ve learned that really amps up sexual pleasure and will cement your boner: do her from behind in front of a wall-length mirror, but stand profile (her facing to the side) so that you can watch your dick in the mirror appear and disappear in between her ass cheeks. This position will fill your testes with the juice of the gods and your dick with adamantium.

Oh, and don’t push the girl away. There isn’t enough sweet lovemaking in the world. Don’t insinuate she is at fault for not stimulating you enough. Your reaction to her wasn’t good. Just play it cool and carefree and she’ll fall into your arms as soon as you’re ready.

Email #4:

Can you please do a write up on Alpha Halloween costumes?

See here, here and here for what qualifies as examples of alpha, beta and omega GHEY costumes. As for what’s in this year, I read that sexy Sesame Street costumes are going to be big. If you’re creative, you could try a mash-up, like a Call of Duty Cookie Monster strapped up with belts of ammo and an assault rifle, and a bunch of cookie notches on the rifle barrel. Otherwise, stick with the tried and true pickup artist costumes: Zorro, Indiana Jones, James Bond (a suit always looks good on a man, particularly on a night when few other men will be wearing that), Jack Sparrow, gladiator (but only if you’ve got the body)… basically any costume that a) is manly and/or sexy and b) evokes power.

Last year, I saw a dude dressed as an infant, wearing a huge diaper, bib and bonnet and nothing else, while holding a rattler. It looked fucking ridiculous and creepy, yet the chicks swarmed around him, laughing and smiling. His trick? He had a bodybuilder physique. Contrast is king!

Email #5:

How do you deal with a narcissistic insecure woman who has been catered to and spoilt by former partners. she behaves selfishly and thinks the world revolves around her.

Three simple steps:

1. Don’t flatter her. Boosting her self-image will kill her attraction.
2. Neg! These girls are tailor-made for multiple negs. Also, employ tactical backturns at will.
3. Make her jealous. She will respond very well to denied attention and competition from other women.

Girls such as you describe can make surprisingly good girlfriends, *if* you know how to train them. A narcissislut has spent her life being chased by men; flip the script and she will explode with years of pent-up desire. Her gratitude will be your nut.

Email #6:

What does it mean when a girl has a pic of her kissing another guy as her profile pic on Facebook. She hasn’t indicated if she is in a relationship or not.

She initiated Facebook id exchange with me.

Is this a way of the girl telling “Look at me, I am desirable! Kiss my feet!”

She has a very pretty face and good sense of fashion but she is slightly chubby/thick and that lowers her points to about 7-8/10 in my eyes.

Thoughts?

How is she kissing him? On the cheek with eyes open, or full on the lips with eyes closed? The difference matters if you’re gauging her availability. Regardless, I’d avoid investing any time or energy into seducing such an attention whore. The “look at me!” Facebook profile kiss is a neon sign pointing the way to unending drama, single momhood, divorce and self-cutting. Who needs the hassle? On the plus side, she’s chubby and exhibitionist. She’ll show up to the date drunk and put out after an hour. Half hour, if you compliment her “striking figure”.

Email #7:

I read your post on Anal, and this is perfect timing.

I need your advice on this situation.

Im under 30 years old, good game, and i do my thing.

I got a main squeeze that ive been stringing along for a while. Shes under 25, and is exotic, with a huge ass. Recently, ive really been wanting to get in that ass, so ive been experimenting with it when shes drunk.
I got my finger in there and she squirted like ive never seen before. Ive done this twice while shes drunk and safe to say, she LOVES it.

Problem is, when shes sober, she denies wanting to do it and hates the idea of my dick getting in there.

Her body clearly loves it, but the hamster is trying to steer her away from it. I need some good advice on broadening her horizons.

Coochaholik

Keep that hamster inebriated. Fuck her in the ass for hours so that she sobers up while you’re still balls deep in her butt. This is known as systematic desensitization therapy, aka the sneakyfucker cure.