Here is a woman writing to an advice columnist about her predilection for dating men who wind up cheating on her.
Dear Bossy: I’m writing to you with hope that you can help me shed some light on why things happen in my personal life, and what i can do to resolve those things making me unhappy.
I feel really happy and fulfilled in all areas outside of my love life – career, family, friends, sports etc etc. It’s all going great and I’m healthy and confident and good. However, the last two years, i’ve had multiple experiences in my romantic life that make me question my own judgement and leave me feeling, well, worthless and unloved.
Let me take you through the details.
Two years ago, i caught my partner sleeping with another girl in our bed. I moved out and broke it off with him.
Last year, i met someone i felt a real connection with. He was warm and intelligent and thoughtful, and i really felt good around him. I heard gossip from other people about him cheating, but when i confronted him to ask him why people would say such things, he assured me he was devoted to me. Several months later, he confessed that he had another girlfriend, not just me. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I cut all ties with him, and looking back, i know that i had my part to play in the situation, because, just like last time when there had been signs, i ignored them. Not because i didn’t want them to be true, but because i guess i just trusted blindly. You know the saying, a liar won’t believe anyone else? Well, i guess being someone who wouldn’t cheat made me ignorant of the idea that others do.
It took another 6 months before i met someone i was attracted to, who i had started off being friends with. I just felt like a casual fling, he was not my type at all romantically, and I advised him that while I enjoyed his friendship, I wasn’t able to offer him anything more. One night this guy sent me a message saying he had just been on a date, and that he’d had an amazing time, but the girl in question wouldn’t have sex on the first date….so could he come over? Again, I acknowledge my part in this by wanting a casual fling, but I guess I thought one could be conducted with dignity and respect.
Fast forward another couple of months, I got to know this really lovely guy at work. I was just friends with him for a long time, not good friends, but i felt i knew enough about him. I’ve seen him take care of another colleague who was sick, he has photos of his nieces and nephews on his desk, and he gets physically uneasy when one of our male colleagues makes inappropriate comments. I guess what I’m saying is that this time around, I took the time to try to pick up on cues that tell me what a man’s really like before dating him. Anyhow, I went to lunch a few times with him, and I really felt he was genuine and compassionate and interested in me. We went on a couple of dates, and they were really great. We went out for a coffee after work and talked for four hours. I had been very cautious about dating given my previous experiences, but felt that he was trustworthy and honest.
Two days later, my other colleague, who had recently broken up with his work girlfriend, came to me and asked me to coffee (not knowing i was seeing this colleague – i wanted to keep it quiet at such an early stage). During coffee, my friend broke down and told me that his ex had told him she’s started seeing someone else….yep, you guessed it, my new guy.
Bossy, I feel like I’m a hamster in a wheel, running on the same path making the same mistakes over and over again. I don’t want to make these mistakes. I thought I’d learned from the first two cheaters, but it’s becoming a pattern that is hurting so much, and I want to break it.
To an extent, I hold these guys responsible for their own behaviour, but deep in my heart I feel like this is happening because 1. I am not picking up on signals that i should, and 2. I am sending out signals that i am deserving of this.
Bossy, I’m swearing off men for a little while until I get my head straight. At the moment I just feel too fragile and too suspicious, which is definitely not a good mix for a potential future!
I guess I’m just seeking your advice on a couple of things:
Firstly, how can i better screen guys? What’s wrong with me that the men i’ve dated in the last two years consider me just discardable and unworthy of honesty and fidelity? How can I paint myself in a diffferent light?
Secondly, I feel like dirt. I feel worthless and discardable… some of these guys have gone on to be in successful relationships, so it feels to me like they have the capacity to respect, but not to respect me. How can I overcome these feelings? What can I do to feel good about myself again?
Finally, when it’s time for me to be ready to date again, how can I develop a balance between being jaded and cynical, and being naive?
I know I’m imperfect. I can learn a lot and I accept my role in these situations. I just feel so used and useless right now, and I don’t know how to fix it.
“I feel like I’m a hamster in a wheel, running on the same path making the same mistakes over and over again.”
You don’t say! Even women recognize their gender is afflicted with a rationalization hamster.
Props to the guy asking for a booty call because his other woman wouldn’t put out on the first date. Balls, my friends.
I’m not including “Bossy’s” reply, because it was stupid — typical womanese, full of blame-shifting and platitudes, signifying nothing.
Here is the truth. Women get cheated on for four reasons, three of which they are complicit in their own betrayal.
- They have stopped catering to a man’s desire. Women who choose to get fat or withhold sex are ripe candidates for being cheated on. A man who is driven to cheating by his fat, frigid wife has my sympathies.
- They tingle for assholes. About 1/3 of women — usually the hottest chicks — have an irresistible urge to copulate with assholes, jerks, thugs and other assorted aloof cads. (Another 1/3 are susceptible to the asshole’s charms but are occasionally capable of eschewing the blind cravings of their vaginas.) Naturally, the assholes cheat. These women then cry foul, but they have invited betrayal into their lives. Their pain was prophesied the moment they spread their legs.
- They shoot out of their league. I would tell a woman: You want to date an alpha one or more points higher than you? Prepare to be betrayed at some future date, said date which will be sooner rather than later if he’s considerably higher value than what you could be expected to get. More than a few women are OK with this trade-off.
- Men like variety. Women have no control over this. Men are programmed to enjoy the hunt, and to experience pleasure from a multitude of pussy, and men with options are able to fulfill that desire. The best women can do to counter this manly impulse is to be young and hot.
A reader named “repentant male” (*cough* girly man *cough*) commented on the article:
I thought I would add some thoughts from the opposite side.
I used to be a cheating husband. I love my wife dearly, I love my kids, I get angry at sexist jokes, and have photos of my kids on the desk.
I have been married for 20+ years, but there has been a hole in my personal fulfillment. I met somebody else who was extremely physical with me. O.M.G It was like I was 19 again – My world changed from one where I was literally begging for physical intimacy – and driving my wife away by doing so, to one where my every need was more than fulfilled.
After 6 months, I decided that it was time to leave my wife of 20+ years. in the end, I couldn’t do it – I confessed, and broke the relationship off with the other woman.
Was it entirely my wifes fault? no Was it entirely my fault? – no – it was a combination of factors. My wife didn’t understand how important physical intimacy was to me, and I wasn’t communicating properly with her.
Long story short, lots of counseling later, we are both still together, and the physical side is getting better – it will never be as awesome as it was with the other woman, but that’s not the point.
So – Are you *sure* that you are meeting the needs of your partner? You may not be.
Take heed, ladies. You have to earn a husband’s faithfulness. This woman was lucky; her husband was too beta to do the right thing for his happiness. Maybe you won’t be so lucky. The sexual market is a worldwide dominion of genitals, and marriage is no exemption from its eternal, unrelenting, remorseless barter.