Posted in Funny/Lolblogs, Ridiculousness, Tool Time on May 11, 2010| 155 Comments »
As a tribute to the regular guests of the Chateau, I’ve honored them with stick figure portraits. Can you match the following MS Paint masterpieces to their eponymous titles in the answer key below?
A:
B:
C:
D:
E:
F:
Answer Key
1. Peter (GNP guy)
2. Single Mom
3. Poetry of Flesh
4. David Alexander
5. Me fleeing from an irate husband
6. Greatbooksformen
***
And here’s a bonus MS Paint! This time, no answer key. Let’s see if you can figure out the title without help.
Posted in Inner Beauty, Relationships on May 10, 2010| 68 Comments »
There is an easy way to assess the strength of your relationship without ever having to turn to that favorite solution of charlatans couples therapists everywhere. Who needs communication when you can gauge how strongly your partner feels about you by how often she spontaneously touches you?
In the interest of lowering the divorce rate, increasing the love rate, and decreasing the time wasted on a cocktease (or, in the case of you ladies, a ringtease), I’ve devised a simple system for analyzing the depth of your lover’s love for you.
The Spontaneous Touch Initiation Ratio (STIR) rests on a simple premise:
In every healthy, successful relationship, the woman will initiate non-sexual spontaneous touching at least twice as often as the man.
This non-sexual touching can take many forms. For example:
A light graze of fingertips across your back as she walks behind you at a restaurant to take her seat.
A tousle of your hair.
A hand on your thigh at the movies.
Arms wrapped around your neck while you and her are walking down the sidewalk.
Kiss on the cheek for no apparent reason.
A brush of “lint” off your shoulders or hair.
Any unnecessary grooming.
Grabbing your hand first to hold it as you walk.
Hand resting on the small of your back.
As you can see, there are many ways to intimately bond without inserting penis into vagina. Of course, holding hands *while* inserting penis into vagina is best of all, but unfortunately we don’t yet live in a society that tolerates genital couplings in public. Damn kids always spoiling a good time.
Since you want your woman to touch you at least twice as often as you spontaneously touch her, a male-female STIR that is equal to or less than 0.5 should be your goal. Here’s a handy chart that illustrates the different STIR ratios and what they mean for the health of the relationship.
STIR Odds She Is Cheating On You Time Remaining Until Breakup
0.3 – 0.5 10% Four years
0.01 – 0.3 1% The time of your choosing
<0.01 Odds you’re cheating on her: 100% The time she tolerates your polygyny
0.5 – 1.0 20% Two years
1.0 – 2.0 40% Six months
2.0 – 3.0 60% Three months
3.0 – 10.0 90% (100% she’s thinking about it) Two weeks
>10.0 100%. With three other dudes. Didn’t you get the memo?
Why is 0.5 or lower the golden STIR number? Because in my experience, the typical woman in love (or in lust) will spontaneously touch you twice as often as you touch her. Exceptions exist, but they are unimportant in the scheme of things. The lower the ratio, the more she likes you (or the less you like her, same difference). The higher the ratio, the more likely you are impersonating this guy.
Do you really want to be that guy, the peabody puffboy who finds himself triangulated to the wrong end of a cuckolding? I didn’t think so.
Be cognizant of how often you touch your girlfriend or wife, and vice versa. If your STIR starts inching above 0.5, you need to amp up your game to bring it back down to an acceptable level. If your STIR is already above 1.0, you should move your assets overseas if you are married, and if you’re unmarried, you need to mentally prepare for an incoming dumping. There’s no better fun than anticipating a dumping from your girlfriend and turning the tables on her before she has had a chance to achieve cloooosure.
Posted in Game on May 7, 2010| 144 Comments »
“Hey, baby, enough chit chat. I’m taking you to the bachelor cave for a shag.”
“You’re such a Neanderthal!”
“Yup!”
Posted in Culture, Goodbye America, Ridiculousness on May 7, 2010| 213 Comments »
Want to feel dirty? Watch:
(Hat tip: reader Seth)
These little girls are pretty good dancers. Some of the commenters argue they aren’t doing anything sexual. Looks to me like they are performing the exact same sexy dance moves as grown women with boobs and butt. Drop it, shake it, split it, girly!
I really wonder what goes through the minds of parents who would skank up their five year old daughters. Preparing them for a world of assholes, players and game? That reasoning would at least make some sense. When you are saturated in a femicentric culture that places no obligation on women, removes all slut shaming, and releases them from dependence on men’s resources, then the natural result is a race to the base that exalts women’s good-to-go sexuality far above all other values, as that is the last standing value that has any currency left in a wide open, marriage-averse mating market. And what better way to make sure your little angel knows the right moves to get more attention from the boys than the other whorelets than by decking her out in bra and panties onstage and teaching her the fine art of suctioning her privates to the floor. I bet single moms are more prone to doing this sort of experimentation with their bastard spawn.
“Here, little Jenny, put on this sequined stripper outfit.”
“Here, little Johnny, try your first cigarette. And good job beating up that kid at school! Girls love that in a man.”
People wonder why there are so many douchebags, assholes, and players roaming the high school halls of America. Where have all the good men gone?, cry women.
Ladies, you get the men you deserve.
The time has come to institute a parenting test for all would-be mothers. If you fail the test, you get sterilized, or your child gets sent to an orphanage at birth. At the very least, we should be removing any and all welfare statist safety nets from the bottom of burgeoning wombs. If you can’t raise a kid without state aid or corporate aid (paid maternity leave is a form of consumer-supported welfare that enables single motherhood), then it dies in the street. Viva la abortion!
Posted in Girls, Ugly Truths on May 6, 2010| 273 Comments »
The ‘Chicks Dig Jerks’ series is a running theme here at the Chateau. Let’s face it, the material is practically limitless. Thank you ladies, for continuing to uphold the most virtuous traditions of your open-minded gender.
In our latest go-round, 19 year old model Jourdan Dunn gives birth to a bastard child by a convicted coke dealer:
Jourdan Dunn’s Longtime Boyfriend, Father of Her Son, Arrested for Cocaine Possession — Jourdan Dunn, who gave birth to a son in December, made a return to the catwalk at Aquascutum just five days ago, but news today may affect her schedule for the rest of the season. Jordan Cummings, 20, the father of her son and her longtime boyfriend (they’ve reportedly been together about five years), was arrested last night and sentenced to 3.5 years jail time for possession of 2 ounces of cocaine with intent to supply. Dunn, who lives with her mom and younger brothers, made no comment, but it’s suspected that Cummings’s long sentence was due to similar previous convictions.
A third-party quote in another article on this story is unintentionally hilarious:
One source said last night: “The police kicked down his front door when they arrested him.
“He’s well-known on the streets as a dealer. He’s been dealing since he was a teenager, and makes about £1,000 a week. He and Jourdan are always out and have been together about five years – though I’ve never heard marriage mentioned.”
Jourdan, who lives with mum Dee and two younger brothers in Greenford, West London, refused to comment. But a pal said: “She is devastated. She is committed to raising her son and focusing on her career.”
“Devastated”. Chick dates dude for five years and is devastated by his arrest? She didn’t know what he did for a living all that time? Yeah, I bet she was devastated. Devastated that he got caught.
Reader N.W. who sent me this article, had this to say:
Jourdan Dunn is a pretty, high-flying Afro-British model and she’s back after maternity leave. I’m of the opinion really good looking black girls are harder to score than really good looking white girls since their beauty is exotic and they are very scarce.
So, enquiring minds want to know the identity of the father, or in other words, who’s game is so tight he can:
1. date a model
2. have sex with a legit top model
3. impregnate a top model
4. have her keep the kid thereby imperiling her looks.We have the answer!
I don’t know if he is a nice guy or not, but possession with intent to supply places him on the Chris Brown side of the ledger.
Yes, this guy has world beating game. Namely, asshole game. As I’ve written before:
Maxim #71: In their sexual primes women’s attraction for assholes is at its strongest. You can catch a lot of hungry flies with honey, but shit attracts the most well-fed flies.
You don’t need to be an asshole to pick up hot girls, but there’s no denying that asshole game is an extremely potent attractant of the hottest babes (i.e. the ones who matter most). For those of you with zero ethical compunctions, I say raise your asshole flag and let it fly. Marching under its banner will cause your enemies to tremble with desire and surrender themselves willingly, laying down a crimson path of engorged vulvae to herald your arrival.
Asshole game, ironically, might most benefit those men who are farthest from embodying the asshole ideal. If you’re a hopeless case who suffers long dry spells, and who has tried to learn game but can’t seem to make it work no matter what you do, you need to drop a MOAB (Mother Of Asshole Bombs) on your targets. When all else fails, become an Avatar of Assholery. It’s the backup, last ditch option that almost always works.
This post dedicated to Anoukange.
Posted in Culture, Psy Ops, Ridiculousness on May 6, 2010| 86 Comments »
A while back in the blogosphere there was discussion about the ethics of cloning oneself. I’d imagine raising a clone of yourself would be like Groundhog Day, where you can predict your clone-child’s flaws and tailor a parenting style that would minimize their defects. Let’s say a clone-son would be shy. The father could then set about getting the clone-son accustomed to socially mingling with large groups of people at an early age. Or he could introduce the kid to liquor in grammar school. If you are a woman with a clone-daughter and you know she’s going to take after your big nose, you can start saving up money now for the rhinoplasty she’ll have just before the cruel junior high school years.
Maybe a more intriguing question is what other people we would want cloned. Thought experiment: if you had the power to clone an infinite number of times one person from the following list of people, who would you choose?
An army of Newtons would probably be best for the world in a materialist sense, but there’s no doubt who I would have cloned into a vast standing army of pleasurebots. Is there a better reflection of our values than who we would choose to clone besides ourselves?
Posted in Goodbye America, Status Is King on May 5, 2010| 82 Comments »
This post is mainly directed at those readers who are still in college and have to deal on a daily basis with fanatical ideologues on the hunt for crimethinking heretics to burn at the stake, though the wisdom here is applicable at any time of life. A typical PC police baiting tactic might go down like this:
CONFORMIST SUCKUP: “So what do you think of [controversial politically incorrect subject].”
YOU: “You first.”
CONFORMIST SUCKUP: “I think [politically correct answer].”
YOU: [smiling knowingly] “Then I agree with you.”
The beauty of this is twofold: one, you give them no rope with which to hang you, and two, you subtly send up the underlying inquisition-like mentality of them and their kind. It’s fun teaching very special lessons to sanctimonious shitholes that they’re no better than those to whom they feel superior.
This tactic even works on conformist suckups who were too cowardly to tell you their honest view. The pointed faux agreement will make both cowards and dogmatists feel the burn of disrespect.
Feel free to credit me in fliers stapled to kiosks all across America’s college campuses.
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