Reader DiavoloBello needs advice:
Not sure if the relationship game thread is still going, can somebody help?
My girl talks about guys she has dated in the past too much for my taste. It’s annoying. And I’m battling beta insecurity, to be honest. She still texts a guy she used to date that she still has a thing for, which I hate.
if this is a shit test, I don’t know if I’m passing or failing. The only reaction that I have shown to these comments is mild amusement, or polite interest, as though she’s telling boring stories about her extended family or something. I have not let her see any sign of jealousy or insecurity on my part.
Is this the right way to handle it? Is there an alpha way to “claim” her and let her know that these comments get under my skin in a way that will get her hot for me, or should I just keep on acting like I don’t care, or what?
The guy she texts is 2 hours away and she just got full custody of her kids (we’re both divorced) so I would think she’d have a hard time actually seeing him. Insists that they’re just still friends and he knows about me. (this is true, I have snooped and confirmed it, also confirmed that she still has a thing for him, but he seems to just throw her crumbs when he’s bored).
The other guys she brings up are just anecdotes “so and so said one time …” but she was doing it constantly for a while. It has tapered off.
This is bad news. This woman is disrespecting him, no two ways about it. Girlfriends who love you will rarely, if ever, talk about exes or, worse, text exes. Nor will they use exes as clubs to counter your opinions or demean your idiosyncrasies.
The fact that your girlfriend is doing this means one of two things: she’s shit testing you for a jealous reaction, or she’s cheating/thinking about cheating. My guess is that she senses your betaness and is beginning to think she can do better, and this feeling of hers is manifesting in passive-aggressive taunts such as her texting an ex.
Amused mastery is fine for one or two infractions, but continual disloyalty from a bitch, like what she is doing to you, requires more powerful artillery. You have a few options at your disposal.
1. (Re)initiate a flirtation with another girl. Text her all the time. Have drinks with her. Tell your gf it’s just an old friend you like hanging out with. Match, and exceed, her jealousy incitements with your own.
2. Lay down the law, and mean it. “Kind of whorish the game you’re playing here, babe. If you keep texting your ex, I’m outta here. Just letting you know.”
3. Continue ignoring her provocations. If it’s just a garden-variety shit test, she’ll eventually crack and lash out at your indifference. In that case, you are fully in the driver’s seat. If it’s more serious than a shit test, she’ll cheat or you’ll get a sense she’s about to dump you. Get the jump on her and dump her first.
These are my suggestions. If readers have other advice for this gentleman, then help a bro out. Talking about exes is a very female oriented manipulative tactic designed to instigate relationship war, and thus feed her rationalization hamster. “Oh, I was great to him, but then he just started getting all jealous and possessive. So I dumped him. What’s that? Texting exes? I don’t remember doing that. Anyhow, there’s nothing wrong with keeping in touch with old friends. Don’t be a creeper.”
This sort of insidious bullshit is what women do when they want to express disapproval about their man but lack the balls to say so outright. A woman’s coin of the realm is subterfuge and sabotage. They have mastered these arts over millennia to compensate for their weaker physical strength. Don’t ever let a feminist dope or manboobed blubberboy who hasn’t seen vagina since his mother’s birth canal tell you otherwise. In the deception and manipulation sweepstakes, women are furlongs ahead of men.
PS What the hell are you doing worrying about what a single mom thinks of you? You should be waking up every morning gleefully reminding yourself that she has intrinsically lower value than you. Let this knowledge guide your attitude with her.
PPS In rare instances, a woman will have a sincere, platonic friendship with an ex. It’s not often, though. Most women get over broken relationships by completely forgetting about their exes. And since women in their hottest, young prime initiate relationship dumpings far more often than men do, it’s a safe bet that any reasonably attractive, under-30 woman you date has little contact with her exes. Be aware of subtle cues that will tell you whether the ex she talks to is more than just a chat with a friend, like excessive gesticulation when she mentions him. Your working assumption, though, should be to assume that 9 times out of 10, any contact your girlfriend has with an ex-lover is a nascent threat to your relationship. Respond accordingly.
also, that ex may have been that five minutes of alpha that she will never ever forget, in which case diavolo is fighting steeply uphill.
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“Talk about your old boyfriend’s dick and how big it was, now shave off my pubes and punch me in the face” (At a Medium Pace)… Not!
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I had the exact same problem, what I did:
I started blatantly cheating. I didn’t actually fuck any other girls (I tried but a little more than a year in an LTR had dulled what game I have) but she didn’t know that. When she confronted me, I didn’t confirm, I didn’t deny, I simply said the following, in the tone I normal use when talking to subordinates at work (Im a Sergeant in the Army)
“You need to know two things, in no particular order; one, I love you. Two, if you want to break up, I’ll replace you.”
Then I walked out of her apartment and didn’t answer any of her calls or texts for the rest of the night.
A few weeks later she decided she didn’t want to date me anymore, because I’m an asshole. She did however want to continue fucking me because she is intensly attracted to me and I give her good dick. She texts me whenever she wants to get fucked. Now I spend even less money (I was spending maybe an average of $10/mo on the relationship) and the sex is slightly better, though morer sporadic. Sometimes I decline her offers just for the hell of it.
Assessment?
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Assessment? Sounds like an easy win/win.
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“You need to know two things, in no particular order; one, I love you. Two, if you want to break up, I’ll replace you.”
Genius!
“I was spending maybe an average of $10/mo on the relationship”
Is that $10/month? how can you do better than that, gas prices being what they are?
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We live in the same apartment complex, no gas expense. I only bought her gifts on her birthday and Christmas (cheap) I only paid for dinner on Vday (cheap). The rest of the time I would maybe buy her shit to make me cup cakes in the $10 cup cake pan I gave her for Christmas. Every time I would surprise her and say “hey, I got you some office supplies!” (she is a bit feminist, and this would make her really mad, and really wet)
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Lol. Even boring ass military grunts can get some with game.
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Dump her. This is not a shit test, she cheating. (If it is a shit test, it’s way too insidious to be tollerated. Have some self respect). DUMP HER!
Heartiste has it right. As a single mother her value is low, relative to yours. The tables have turned here. You have the power of choice. Not her.
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A single mother and a divorced mother are not the same thing.
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No, pretty much they are. They’re someone else’s used goods.
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I respectfully disagree. One achieved (or chose) marriage; the other did not.
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she may have chosen marriage, but that just means that the odds are that she chose divorce, too.
to men, it doesn’t matter. both single moms and divorced moms are equally low in smv.
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The only moms that I find slightly, very slightly higher in smv are widowed moms.
Wouldn’t commit to one myself, but I wouldn’t pump and dump one of them, and I wouldn’t blame a man for seriously dating her.
But don’t worry. Being a divorced mom yourself IIRC, if you are as pleasant in real life as on this blog, there are probably enough blue pill guys out there who would settle for you (I know, I’m too romantic sometimes).
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Hahahaha!
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“…she just got full custody of her kids…”
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Oh, yay. Welcome to purgatory at least if not not hell.
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Yeah, actually they are. The divorced mom might be having the state drain her baby daddy’s (or some loser) bank account for her, but that’s the only meaningful difference. In either case her poor mate choice put her where she is, and created the consequences for her kids (if your parents aren’t together, do you really give a fuck if they ever were? Does it really matter?)
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With regard to women’s choice, what exactly is poor mate choice?
No one is blaming Bill Clinton’s mama for spreading her legs and getting knocked up by a drunkard. And no one is blaming Obama’s mama for getting knocked up by some transient African dude with 10 or more kids with 5 different women.
With regard to men’s choice, which is the better mate:
The trailer chick who doesn’t mind you knocking her up & passes the bill on to The State, or the princess who makes you marry her first & then bleeds you for alimony & child support?
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That sounds like the modern man’s Scylla and Charybdis! Row through the middle 🙂 Cast a wide net and screen, filter, screen, and did I mention screen?
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No one is?
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>>A single mother and a divorced mother are not the same thing.
Lol, they both have shot nosed shits running around that don’t belong to me. PUMP-AND-DUMP
Anything less would be uncivilized.
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She’s having Ex-sex or wants to… dump her like a fat deuce.
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He shouldn’t tell her anything.
Not a word.
If you have to say it, your hand is gone.
The woman has no respect for you.
Flirt with another girl in the same manner, not obviously, and start to look elsewhere.
BTW, this chick isn’t worth it. Single mom? Please.
My advice: Use a woman’s resource against her.
Facebook. A hot ex or potential prospect (to whom you’re not pandering) does the trick nicely.
This is conceivably the only good use for facebook.
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Gorby good to see yo back. Hope you keep posting if your not going to have a blog
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Gorbachev! Where ya been??
How’s it going? Still seeing PCG?
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Solid post, but DiavoloBello just revealed that the woman in question is 42.
Is a 42 yo divorced cougar with kids really worth a chateau post?
[heartiste: if he’s in his 60s, or she’s unusually good-looking for her age (a la monica belucci) it could be relevant.]
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“Is a 42 yo divorced cougar with kids really worth a chateau post?”
Certainly not. But extending a hand to DiavoloBello is.
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Absolutely? A 60 year old man and a 40 year old woman are a perfect match.
But diabolo also revealed that he’s in his forties. Forgot to mention that.
I advised him to read this blog more intensely and more carefully.
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Meant “Absolutely . ”
And even if the woman is exceptionally good-looking. If there’s no significant age difference, I’m not sure if it’s wise to put that much effort into the relationship.
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Hey, I was still on the other thread. I’m slow (and busy at work, sorry).
I’m 45. I’ve nailed younger women. Some of them are annoying to be around, some not. I like this girl, and up until lately she was acting like god made me out of diamonds just for her. So I got lazy and beta, let my other women drift … you guys have all been really helpful.
My fear is that any indication on my part that it bothers me will come off as insecure.
[heartiste: if you choose to go route #3 (ignoring her implied provocations) you can follow the advice given on this blog in the archives and make a game out of it. agree and amplify her every time she brings up an ex. that sort of game tactic is fine for the occasional shit test that women throw out as a course of being trapped in their gender, but if the misbehavior is constant and unrelenting, then agree & amplify game is going to get tiresome after a while. you will have to make a decision at some point whether her disrespect is worth keeping her around.]
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She has pissed me off before (for non-relationship stuff) and I let her know it. The behavior that pissed me off has not been repeated.
Based on what everybody is saying, I think I will work on #1 and #3 and then also next time his name comes out of her mouth, I’ll turn on her and say “Y’know how it makes me feel when you bring him up? Stupid. Makes me feel stupid for dating you, like I’m a dumbass for staying in this relationship. That how you want me to feel?” All of this said with a raised voice and some heat, not in a “don’t take this the wrong way” pleading tone.
And then walk out if she doesn’t immediately change the subject. We don’t live together.
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Don’t say it makes you look stupid. That’s weak and beta. Say it makes HER look stupid. YOu never want the frame to be about you looking weak.
Say something like….”It makes you look like a low value woman when you are pinning after an ex…..I’m starting to have doubts about whether you’re right for me because of this behavior.”
Never insinuate it makes you feel “stupid” or “uncomfortable.” You want to tell her it makes her look low value white trash and you dont’ date or commit to such women, you only fuck them because you are high value.
Then you withdraw and do the fade.
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No. No. No. She doesn’t “make you” do or feel anything. You are begging her to feel empathy or pity for you. You are telling her it is her duty to you to have tender feelings for you. That is a loser move. Always. It makes me want to take a bath. Don’t be so pathetic. Don’t beg for her pathos.
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This is definitely disrespectful. It might not be deliberate—sometimes girls do keep in contact with exes for the same reason tehy friend-zone guys.
I don’t see any problem with telling a woman to stop contacting or talking about an ex. This is what you want, and if you’re unwilling to demand it, then you’re afraid of her, which you should never be.
A lot of guys seem to worry that jealousy means insecurity or something. No: your model here is God: “I am a jealous God”; “I am the Lord and you shall have no other gods before me.” Likewise it’s your right to demand the entirety of your woman’s affections, and she knows it. So demand it.
Next time it comes up, don’t get flustered. Just say: “I don’t want to hear about this guys anymore and I also want you to stop talking to him.” If you’ve never done anything like that before, you can expect some fussing. You might have to work to avoid getting upset yourself. BUt like Heartiste says, just lay down the law, and make it clear you mean. (I don’t see why you should need the ultimatums, though.)
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That’s a glorious frame: God game.
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Ditch the bitch! Blatant disrespect like this should never be tolerated. Why would you want to waste your time with such a person anyway?
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Occasionally a reader will tell me to shut up because the knowledge I lay down is too advanced. It’s too difficult for a beginner to implement, and so they can’t get there from here, and so just be quiet about it so as not to cause trouble. Knowledge such as “no doesn’t really mean no”, or “sometimes a girl wants a slap”.
This is advanced level shit coming up. It’s about being mature AND angry. Some consider that a contradiction. It is difficult to ride powerful waves of emotion without feeling inundated and out of control. So this is advanced – but it is part of being a full mature male. If you want to grow up, if you want to have the respect of your woman and rightfully own her command, you have to do this.
Sometimes a woman will be deliberately and routinely disrespectful. We call that a “shit test”, as she is testing her ability to walk all over you. She might text an old flame in front of you early on in the dating process. The first time you want to use the minimal possible force to deflect or turn around her little game. You might be completely non-reactive. For the next shit test you’ll need to up your response to the next level. Be aloof and funny and slightly insulting. Maybe place a fake call in front of her and start having loud phone sex. The next time the child misbehaves, she’s just being in your face about her blatant disrespect for your ability to give her boundaries. You’ll have to up your response, as any good parent would. There comes a time when you will have to lay down the law. So you tell her – “if you want to call your ex, do it when you’re not in front of me”. Don’t argue with her about it and ignore any attempt to have a discussion about that. Just state your rule. Women understand rules. If you must, back it up with a threat – if you won’t stop doing that, I won’t see you anymore. But better to leave the threats as implied at this stage if possible.
But some girls just won’t leave shit alone. They’ll find passive aggressive deniable ways to push your bottons. They’ll do the exact shit that they know bothers you.
At that point you really need to also be seeing other girls to put the fear into her. But whether you do or not, now is the time to raise your response level to thermonuclear.
You will lay down the law. The law. This time, don’t feel the need to be all civilized and in control about it. She gave up her right to civility with her behavior. There is a time and a place for controlled fire, and there is a time and a place for controlled rage. Rage.
Real genuine anger is not some out of control unstoppable force, like a wild thunderbolt ready to cause unknowable random damage. Anger in a mature adult male is a display of his fierce embodied sincerity of will. Be fucking angry with no apologies about it. Be fucking pissed at her and let her know exactly why.
Just don’t be impotently pissed. Be pissed like a man who will do something about it if things don’t improve.
Most people are not ready to hear this information. But it’s solid truth. Don’t be too civil. Making it a requirement of yourself to be civil binds your hands, and this self limiting makes you weak. Allow your inner caveman out to be fully embodied. Even be a bit unpredictable about it.
And for the small percentage of you ready to hear it, I give you even further advanced language; your woman must fear you.
If she doesn’t fear you, she doesn’t respect you. If she doesn’t respect you, she does not desire you.
But some women enjoy negative attention, and require an occasional drama fix. In that case rage is not an effective deterrent. There is a further step you can take past rage. If the girl is getting off on winding you up and thrills to the drama, you must abandon her as punishment. A woman who does not fear rage will certainly fear abandonment. Throw her out of your apartment, physically if need be, or go to a hotel and don’t answer texts. Wait at least 24 hours, after which you don’t need to discuss the matter. Keep this option at the ready at the first sign of further shit. You must be tactical and outmaneuver the girl, leaving her with no options but to either comply, or leave you.
Remember that for women who require drama, after denying them their drama on their terms, you must give it to them on your own terms. Manhandle and rough-house her in some passionate sex. Play little mind games to keep her emotions fending off the dreaded vacuum of anxious boredom. Tease, push, pull, play. She needs bouts of intensity throughout the day.
There is a step further still past temporary abandonment. It’s indifference. Completely ignore her. Don’t get into it with her. If she talks to you tell her to shut up. But if you feel genuine indifference, things are getting chilly. Time to start a fresh hunt.
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+1
“if this is a shit test, I don’t know if I’m passing or failing.”
This is not the kind of shit test you pass by just keeping your cool and acting like it doesn’t affect you. She most likely KNOWS that this ex stuff bothers you, or SHOULD bother you. If you do and say nothing, you are eating the shit she serves up on your plate. Eating shit = failing shit test.
Stop eating her shit and then make her stop serving it on your plate. To correct her undesireable behaviour you have to be willing to PUNISH her (those who are unwilling to punish are called ‘too nice’ or ‘nice guys’). Excessive punishment is called ABUSE. That is why, as xsplat says, you start out at a minor level of punishment. If the behavior does not cease, you gradually turn up the volume of your punishment. When the behavior ceases, you can cease punishment.
xsplat said:
“And for the small percentage of you ready to hear it, I give you even further advanced language; your woman must fear you.
If she doesn’t fear you, she doesn’t respect you. If she doesn’t respect you, she does not desire you.”
I would add one thing to the above quote for clarification: she must fear and respect your AUTHORITY. She should not be walking on pins and needles ALL THE TIME because she fears YOU. She only needs to fear disobeying or disrespecting your AUTHORITY. When her behavior is in order she should feel happy while knowing what to expect if she steps out of line.
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Yes, you said it better than I did. I’m prone to using shocking polemical language, as I want to piss people off and draw them into a discussion and engage their brains in thinking in new ways. I want to start changing habits, and I figure one way to do that is by highlighting through argumentation what our current allegiances and habits are by contrasting them against a painful idea.
But really, you said it more clearly. She needs to fear punishment if she crosses a line she knows should not be crossed. Most of the time she should be getting positive vibes.
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It seems to me that the first question DiavoloBello should ask himself is:
do I really want this woman or not? is she worth the trouble?
The best strategy hinges on this issue.
A personal anecdote:
An ex-gf of mine talked about her exes. I was not worried since most of her exes were thousands of miles away, but it was very annoying that she asked that I live up to higher standards than her exes.
After our first break-up, I went to her flat to collect my belongings I left there. It was pretty clear that she wanted to make peace. In the ensuing debate, I said that her mentioning her exes was annoying. She was surprised, and said that she thought I was a ladies’ man, and had plenty of exes.
We got back together, but her setting higher standards for me than for other people killed my interest in her. (Though she terminated the relationship herself, sparing me the trouble.)
What I learned from this experience:
* never mention your exes unless you have to, and if she is attracted to you, she will think you had plenty.
* never show pictures of your exes, and if she is attracted to you, she will think they were more attractive than she is.
Does this have anything to do with hamsters? I don’t understand the jargon yet.
There is a lesson for ladies too: never mention your exes, and burn all your pictures of them.
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There is one important detail: is the ex she’s texting the father of her kids? That does make a difference. Even if she has full custody he does have a right to know what’s going on about them.
[heartiste: yeah, i forgot to ask that. if so, then that changes the complexion of his complaint.]
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Perhaps not “tight game”, but for csakes; there are plenty of other women out there. Have the decency to not get in her way if she tries to do the correct thing, which is to let her children grow up with both parents under the same roof. Trying to weasel oneself in between a mother and her children’s father is just petty, pussy be damned. Instead, read enough of this blog to be able to pick up other women.
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No, he’s not – here’s my response to Lara’s post on the other thread. (Shut up.)
“I read this blog enough that I know I’m going to catch hell from everyone on here for being new AND for talking to you, but thanks, Lara.
There’s history there, she was seeing this guy 4 years ago, when she was married. She was in a shitty marriage, so was this guy (he was also a serial cheater, I know the signs because so was I), first affair for her. Being with him gave her the courage to ask her husband for a divorce, but then she couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t leave his wife. Broke her heart that he just wanted a fling. Somehow he sweet talked her into not hating him, and since that time he’s been her guardian angel, her buddy that she texts when her ex is being a dick or other guys are dumping her, and at the same time she’s still got a huge thing for what she thinks could have been. She’s pretty naive about men, this is clear from her history with other guys.
Now he’s finally left his wife. I asked if he’s seeing anybody, she says she doesn’t ask, she doesn’t want to know. That means she can’t stand to think of him with anyone else. I can clearly sense from his texts that he’s not that into her, he can do better closer to where he is (2 hours from us) but he likes having women he can text to stroke his ego when he’s down. (As do I.) She tells me whenever she’s been texting him, I think because she thinks it’s OK as long as it’s not behind my back, but she doesn’t know I get on her phone and read her texts.
She tells him she wants to see him again, “just for coffee” and he’s all “I never get out that way anymore and your bf wouldn’t like it.” She tells him that it’s “intimidating” for her that I’m “so crazy about her” (serves me right for getting comfortable and beta) but she’s “keeping an open mind and seeing where it goes (with me).” I think she wants him to think he still has a window, but it’s closing. Bottom line, if he wants her back, there’s a chance she’ll run to him, but he doesn’t seem to want her back.
I just need to (1) keep acting like I could care less, (2) get my mind right so I can lay down the law and it won’t be a bluff, (3) get a couple more women in the pipeline who are waiting for me to be available (which I had when I started seeing her but let them fall away. Seemed easier. Lesson learned.)
Thanks Lara, and thanks to the rest of you for all the tough love I’m about to get … “
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Wow, I experienced the same situation, kind-of, a couple nights ago. Background: she’s a 25 year-old grad student who was keeping in touch with a former lover, a dermatologist(40), who lives in her home state some 700 miles away. Me and the girl have been dating for five months; she’s been telling me she loves me for two-months. The dermatologist guy pretty much blew her off, dirty style. I decided to send her the below email after learning, for the [second] time, she was keeping in touch with him via text(she told me through a voicemail, after I quasi scolded her, that she didn’t want me to use her contact with this guy against her).
I feel she violated my integrity so I decided to unload:
**************
I heard your voicemail, and I decided to write so I can relay my thoughts without interruption. Am I angry or upset with you? No.
I guess I’m confused more than anything.
You’ve told me about this person before, when we first started dating. You made it tragically clear that this person treated you with absolute disrespect, like trash, if even that. Last week, I believe, you repeated the same and questioned your own motives for actively keeping this so-called “horrible person,”(your words, not mine), in your life. If memory serves, you also said: “I don’t know why I keep contacting him”, “he treated me like shit”, “I wish I could forget his number”, and “I’m not gonna call him anymore”.
Well … good. Someone who treats you like garbage should be put in exile. I assumed you were done with guy.
Now, with that said, and taking into consideration your contradiction to the words you spoke that night, do I believe you need this person around to give you medical advice here-and-there and that medical attention is the only attention you seek from this guy: No, absolutely not. That excuse is a mile wide and a millimeter deep, it’s ridiculous on its face.
I have enough experience with women to know why you “keep in-touch”. Whether it be a simple lust for emotional vengeance(highly unlikely), or a desire to keep a reunion possible should circumstances make such a reunion workable(highly likely) … You’re seeking his approval because deep down you want it and you’re not over him. You want him in your life, no matter what you say to the contrary, so you keep the connection alive. As of tonight, with special consideration paid to your previous words of condemnation toward him, and contrasting those words with your contradictory behavior:
I’m officially uncomfortable.
Taking what you say about the guy at face-value(I’ve heard NOTHING positive about this character, nothing, whatsoever), the guy is a genuine asshole and the fact that you seek the attention of this person is a demonstration of a lack of simple dignity and self-respect on your behalf. It’s not attractive and I don’t want to be around it.
1. “You don’t want me to ‘use’ this against you,” did you say?
2. “You have nothing to worry about,” did you say?
3. “I’m telling you about this because I want to be honest with you,” did you say?
1. I won’t. I’m addressing this for the last time, I assure you.
2. You have not [earned] my full trust, now, it’s highlighted.
3. After tonight’s conversation, and this e-mail, you telling me about anymore contact with this person is a non-starter.
I’m not in the business of changing people.
You need to figure things out. What you’re telling me you feel about me and your affection with your friend, former lover, fling or however you describe it, is a genuine contradiction and needs to be resolved if you care about proceeding with me from the positions of confidence and responsibility.
If not, you have nothing to worry about.
I’m not sure if I want to talk today or tomorrow. Just give me some time to think and you do the same.
-357
*******
The next morning she sent me a voice memo informing me that my righteous indignation was most appropriate and it’s just what she needed. Thirty-minutes later, she sent me another voice memo, this time the message she sent to the dermatologist, along with a snapshot image from her iphone with his reply.
Dermatologist text reply:
Well said, XXXX. I am truly sorry to have hurt you in a somewhat vulnerable time in your life. I’m glad to hear you are doing so well. Your bf sounds great. I sincerely wish you the best. You will be a great XX. goodbye.
****
This guy might be her 5 minutes of Alpha. I think I might cut her loose.
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@ 357
Look, friend, I’m relatively new to the life-changing world of CH, and I’m still very much at the apprentice level. So even though I’m unable to properly steer you in the right direction at this point, I’d like to respectfully suggest that your email to her has most likely registered in her brain as “Shit test failed… Classify ‘357’ as beta… Keep ‘357’ in orbit… OMG, that’s a cute purse…” (try and imagine it in a robotic, vocoder-y sound… you get the picture).
The email, it’s too much. You’re exposing your neck like a canine would. So I’d like to pass along a bit of advice that may help you understand the dynamics of the situation between you and this chick: “Always let a woman figure out why she won’t fuck you, never do it for her.” That is from the great Rollo Tomassi, and that single sentence has increased my understanding of Game exponentially.
Contemplate it. Digest it. It shall serve you well.
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@ 357
One last thing: never EVER send woman an email that includes lists. NO LISTS! Unless you’re sending her out to do your grocery shopping, NO LISTS EVER! (even then, you should make her memorize it– keeps her little pea brain occupied).
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girls will say to your face what she said to you, but behind your back she shows guys like me your heartfelt email w an annoyed smirk and a tl;dr twinkle in her eye. they mock this kind of weakness because it disgusts them in the most visceral way.
are you a rock here? no, youre an emotional tampon, deeply hurt and afraid. youve got oneitis, and it appears terminal. its amazing that you post somewhat regularly here; with this email you violate pretty much every rule and maxim ever emphasized in this space.
“Im officially uncomfortable” has got to be the weakest beta bleat i have ever heard.
perhaps you can learn from this as a model of things to do the exact opposite of. PS, notice the response of the good dr. compare and contrast.
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What the fuck why the hell would you date a girl who was fucking a 40 yr old? He used her like a fuck toy and she still wants to be his little fuck toy and you’re entertaining the idea of even speaking to her like she’s human? Cum in her eyes and leave.
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That novel of an email is pretty far from the “bring da movies” ideal. Just saying.
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Dude – he is absolutely the five minutes of alpha. i went threw the same EXACT thing youre going through and i got totally fucking burned. Don’t fucking fool yourself man, she still wants to fuck this guy whether she consciously wants to admit it or not. I went threw this exact same shit. What this guy is doing is seeing if he still has her on the string. He is toying with your bitch and laughing about it. He wants to ruin your relationship because it gives him a major ego stroke and this bitch still thinks there is a chance.
he is a high status male who is making big time bucks and homegirl still wonders if this is her ticket to family, marriage, mcmansion, kids.
Dump this bitch bro.
I went through exactly what you are going through. This dude would text her here and there and see if he still had her around. She couldnt’ wait to tell him she had a new boyfriend in an effort to seek jealousy out of him. My ex swore to me nothing was going down ….would scream at me…”I can’t believe you are worried about him!” …”Why don’t you true me!?!?””
Dude, don’t believe the bullshit. This dude is her five minutes of alpha. If she truly valued you, this dude would be history. There is a real easy way for her to end this nonsense, she doesn’t respond to his texts.
A girlfriend of mine told me a great piece of advice about girls talking to exes… “Girls don’t respond to guys they have no interest in. Do you respond to fat chicks you banged when the text? Answer that question. No you don’t. She is respond because she wants to keep the door open.”
You can bet your bottom fucking dollar that when you break up, she is going to text him and he is going to fuck her. ANd then he is going to ditch her again
Dude – EJECT!
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And remember, what should really be bothering you is that she replies. That’s the real issue here.
Ask yourself if you were fuckign some smoking hot chick you were into would you let some worthless ex fuck it up? Say that hot chick was like “i’m not feeling you talking to your ex.”
You’d drop that ex like a bad habit. If this chick thought you were above this guy in value, she would not risk jeopardizing your relationship. If you complained she would respond back….”I understand. He is dead to me.”
That’s not what’s going on here.
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Cut her loose.
Reread the former two responses by fred and student.
You fucked up, man, big time.
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women hate hate HATE being analyzed in the manner you did in the email. especially when it’s obvious that you’re in the right and she’s in the wrong.
she might tell you to your face that it’s appropriate and just what she needed, but on the inside, she’s seething. her hamster is now the size of godzilla, armed like rambo, and is all out of bubble gum.
women just don’t have the capacity for self-analysis or accepting in-depth criticism.
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My advice is to go with
‘2. Lay down the law, and mean it. “Kind of whorish the game you’re playing here, babe. If you keep texting your ex, I’m outta here. Just letting you know.”’
Because:
“PS What the hell are you doing worrying about what a single mom thinks of you? You should be waking up every morning gleefully reminding yourself that she has intrinsically lower value than you.”
And she should already be well aware of her lower value and greatful to have you. The consider and be prepared to follow up with:
“1. (Re)initiate a flirtation with another girl. Text her all the time. Have drinks with her. Tell your gf it’s just an old friend you like hanging out with. Match, and exceed, her jealousy incitements with your own.”
Just so she knows you mean it.
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She just called and I ignored it, again. The message she left was laced with “I love yous” and assorted terms of endearment, capped-off with an invite to a night of sex.
I might show-up at her place, just before midnight, and dump a man sized hate fuck in ‘er.
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sorry bro, your email was painful to read. i get that sometimes it helps to put thoughts and emotions into words, but in a case like this, save the thing to draft and wait a day or two, then go back to it and see if it really makes sense to send.
test the depths of depravity she’d be willing to dive to to get back on your good side. then dump her. you would have then out-alpha’d the other alpha.
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See, 357, ^THAT’S^ what I was trying to articulate in my response to your above comment. Do as itsme recommends– he can be counted on to help solve these beta-dilemmas.
And if you find it difficult to control your determination to send emails to girls without waiting a day or two (and I understand that it’s tough when the emotions reach their boiling point), jerk off to some porn first, then IMMEDIATELY re-read your email. You’ll probably delete it into the recycle bin before your pants are back on.
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Indeed, but I still extracted what I wanted out of her.
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no, that’s just what you’ve been led to believe.
i think what really happened was, she saw the really long email, forwarded it to the alpha, and he laughed. he realized that his competition wasn’t on his level, so he composes that reply supposedly ending things. in reality, nothing’s ended. in fact, he’s gonna be able to use your email to his advantage.
she may not even have been intentionally trying to humiliate you, she could be genuinely trying to sort everything out. so she mentions to the alpha that her bf was pissed that she was staying in touch with him, he asks why, and she forwarded him your email.
sorry man, you’re getting played by the guy at the very least, if not intentionally by the girl.
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I totally agree with your comment. The alpha move is the fade…..not confrontation. Confrontation is just raising this guys value even more. Her hamster is thinking…”Man, he must really be a high value alpha because my boyfriend is worried about him.”
The strategy is to state your objections…..take a step back…..watch to see if she conforms….if she doesn’t…..fade
We need to get her to register the loss of losing you.
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The answer is simple. Why do you care? Act like a man and don’t even think about her flirts. Is she showing them to you? She is dissing you to your face! The fact that she dares to act like this around you is unacceptable. She senses your weakness. I don’t remember “the poon rule” offhand, but its something along the line of don’t be afraid to lose her. You should always be signaling that you are interested in other females. Get to it. Have sex with her and dump her. Let her know why YOU dumped her asap. She will think twice about acting that way around you when she comes crawling back.
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I agree with the above sentiments. Dude, ditch her. Ditch her hard. Some women feel they have the right to do anything they fucking want, and you need to take a nice sharp knife to this cancer growing on your manhood and life.
If you think it will be painful to tell her to take a hike, you’re in for a world of pain when she leaves you. Leave her first, because even if you really want her, and want her to somehow treat you better and stick with you….then you gotta make it clear it violates you standards, and then bail.
From there, she’ll either plead for your forgiveness, or let you go. Either way you stand in a better position…and I wouldnt be so trusting or accepting of her apologies in the first place. A girl who does this sort of thing has a pathology that IMO can only lead to heartache for ya man.
I speak from experience, for what its worth. Spare yourself the pain, or prepare yourself for an upward battle to get your self worth back.
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Agreed.
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Yep.
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uphill battle*
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Some things we need to know:
How far along in the relationship are we?
Do they live together? Have they said I love you? Who said it first?
If the relationship is new, these are heavy caliber shit-tests you need to pass. And if they don’t live together, it’s far easier for him to control the situation. He can begin the process of distancing himself without actually dumping her. If she is new, this is eternal ingenue behavior, and he needs to pull back, let go, and let her come back to him and really let her fight for it. This could set the tone for a long-lasting, loving relationship.
If, on the other hand, they have been together a while and have built something valuable together, perhaps even live together, a different tactic is called for, because in this case she is sensing his weakness and her hamster has pressed the red button to commence nuclear war on his emotional health. A pre-emptive dumping strike (reference one of the Chateau’s first, most memorable and influential posts back in late ’07 or early ’08, if I recall) is called for.
In that case, I think it would be the following;
Spend a whole day mastering your composure. Change your phone number, be sure to tell your friends (not hers).
Then call her. “I like you, you’re someone I care about, but things haven’t been going well. You know it. I know it. If anything, I’d like to be on good terms with you going down the road, as well. I think it would be best if we took some time off. Let’s end this now, and maybe… we can build something new in the future.”
The point is… if they are past the initial falling-in-love stage, and the I love yous have already been said, this behavior is DEATH. She is not LTR material. If she does this after having “committed” herself with those 3 little words, I don’t think there is ANYTHING he can do to “fix” things the way things are. He needs to eject, now, and go work on his inner game because given his current “skill” set, he can’t handle her. Either way, the relationship is doomed, and the only proactive thing to be done is for him to man up, break up and take a long hiatus in Thailand banging the shit out of hot Thai-hookers, getting in shape, and meditating.
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This is not how you address it. Remember the opposite of love is not hate nor action, it’s indifference.
What he should really do is state is objections and then do the fade. Confrontation raises the guys value and then her hamster is saying…”man, I miss that alpha.”
Another question he should ask is…”would the dermatologist be worried if you were texting her and he was her boyfriend?” The answer is “nope.”
Because he knows he has her.
The real course of action is the fade. Not some high flying confrontation.
The fade signals you are a man of value and options who doesn’t get flustered by this bullshit, you simply act and replace.
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If you live near a large body of water, next time she texts her ex just grab her phone and throw it in. That will end it.
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Who says women can’t give good game advice 🙂
And then, if she whines, tell her to get her ex to buy her another one.
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Well damned if that wasn’t what I wanted to say at first! But being a waterman, couldn’t justify tossing a phone into the ocean/harbor.
So I would recommend throwing it against the nearest large wall.
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The common thread about these “how do I handle my GF” is the hastily deteriorating situation the guys are in.
They are, to a T, with women who are not good for them. Women who should’ve been quick flings, ONS or the like. Instead they projected their own wishes, desires and dreams onto her, as if that’s what she really wanted (she probably just wants to slut it). You can train the id monster to do your bidding, but that takes serious jedi-master level shit few men can muster.
For most men, if she’s not right, or ready, cut her loose and remember her for her redeeming qualities (first-date sex, for instance)…
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Theoretical opinion follows:
Play tit for tat, always. It’s the only way to properly modify the behavior of men, women, children, friends, enemies, and pets.
There are two problems with what she’s doing here:
1) She’s disrespecting her boyfriend. Respond to this by withdrawing affection, according to the scale of the infraction. This could be mean breaking eye contact (immediately), ignoring her, or leaving the building without saying a word. When she works hard enough to reinitiate contact, recognize the effort and reward it.
As in texting, reward her according to the 2:3 rule- twice for every three good deeds. Punish her according to a 2:1 ratio, where the punishment is twice the severity of the infraction. Err on the side of heavy-handedness.
2) She’s showing affection to previous boyfriends. Respond to this by flirting with other women, as Heartiste mentioned. This is a punishment, so apply the 2:1 rule.
—
And lastly, all of this is moot because she is a single mom. Do Western civilization a favor and dump her in a shameful manner, please.
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This bitch has watched too much J&K + 8. She should be grateful for what you’re giving her, rather than trying to pull this bullshit. I personally think given where she is with the little spawn around and not showing appropriate deference that options 1 and then 3 are best. Option 2 would probably backfire.
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This bitch has watched too much Jon & Kunt + 8. As punishment for not showing proper deference to the affection she’s been given despite the spawn running around, I like options 1 and 3. Option 2 would go right over her head.
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Been there done that. Here is what works:
1) Do what you have to do to condition yourself to WANT to ditch the bitch. If you’re still pining over her instead of wanting to rub her nose in shit you my friend are a Beta loser.
2) So are you cool with losing her? Good, because in reality you already have, minus the crying. Now back away from her. She only gets scraps of your time. Devote ALL you energy to approaching online, offline everywhere. Don’t worry about her finding out either. The option of someone else, someone new will do more to fix your weak ass mentality than anything else.
3) Rub her nose in it. Text often in her presence and in the wee hours. Make it a point to have at least one energetic phone conversation with a female in her presence. If you can be seen in front of her or her friends with a chick even do it. The hotter the better. RESIST explaining who it is. “Its just a friend. If she persists ignore her, change the subject or leave.
4) Shut the fuck up. You’ll know exactly where you stand based on her reactions. She will either jet, or stick around badgering you with her new found insecurity. Be evasive, coy dismissive and aloof. Do not qualify or explain yourself. Just say stupid chick shit like “I don’t know if I’m ready to be serious right now”. Oh she will want talk out her own personal Oprah episode with you. That will be just about the time you have to leave to take care of a few things.
5) By now she will have either left on her own (doubtful) or be spending all her energy figuring out what is up with you. Only NOW do you have something to work with. But really dude, do you want to?
6) Take your leave. Don’t stop gaming other chicks till you get a suitable replacement. Allow her to experience the transition. She will know why and will likely make a good FB for you down the road.
You will not graduate from Alpha to Beta unless you can walk away from a bitch who disrespects you by parading other cock before you.
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Just do the same thing she’s doing but get explicit. Talk about sexual episodes with exes or how good some girl you dated was at giving head. Don’t force it and seem like you’re doing it to be spiteful. Make out like you’re saying it because it’s somewhat relevant. It will rub her the wrong way the first time but might not show until the third or fourth time. This even works on women you’re not dating.
If she says anything then say in complete earnestness that since she talks about her exes you assumed you could be open about things like that.
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She’s a ‘ho or she wants to be… either way, it ain’t good. Tell her to clean it up or get out.
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Poor guy Whenever a woman starts talking about her “ex” I immediately stop it by looking her in the and saying “don’t talk about your ex.” The key is that you never let it happen once. It’s an uncrossable line that she needs to know will lead to isolation and nonhappyfunexcitingtimes (maybe even a bit of a shaking or a hard arm squeezing too.)
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Walk away. The hell with playing her game. She’s either working towards an extramural screw, or she’s trying to make you jealous, or she’s trying to rebuild her self-esteem lost in a divorce. In whch case, you’re just a patsy.
There are plenty of other desperate 30/40-year-old women available. Seek one of them out, and replace this houri.
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I can’t understand, from the perspective of age, why a man should keep a woman who annoys him. It is not going to get better. Let her shit test some other jerk.
Isn’t it better to just be by yourself than to have this sort of “girl friend?”
Such an empty headed female with a long past is just not worth keeping. Sometimes nothing is better than something.
Find someone with more brains and without the baggage. Except for the top tier, women are surprisingly interchangeable, at least for the things most men need.
Maybe you would be better off being one of her ex’es.
If you don’t think you deserve better, than it’s time for some introspection, and maybe, some self-improvement. It is not that hard.
And, geez, a 42 yo woman is pushing 50. Think about that.
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Women like this are a complete waste of time, energy, and money.
Even if you put out the fire this time, a woman like this is just waiting for another opportunity to betray you. Better to dump her now than years from now when you’re in way too deep.
Don’t take it personally because women like this do this shit not because of who you are, but because of who they are–dysfunctional losers who, if they get someone decent, have a compulsion to fuck things up.
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Epiphany in 7th grade:
I’m warming up before a martial arts class. Two high schoolers (‘older, wiser’ people to 7th grade me), a guy and a girl, are chatting. The girl’s going on and on and on about her ex-bf and how much she *doesn’t* like him.
The guy – who seemed unaffected by the girl, *not* a beta orbiter of her, shrugged and said calmly and firmly
“You should just get over him”.
She replied hotly, “Oh, oh, I am. I’m *so* over him.”
He said, “Nah. When you stop talking about him…that’s when I know you’re over him.”
She immediately STFU.
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There’s an old flame burnin’ in your eyes
That tears can’t drown and make-up can’t disguise
Now that old flame might not be stronger but it’s been burnin’ longer
Than any spark I might have started in your eyes
You said it ended when he left you
You say your love for me is strong
But those old memories still upset you
Well I might be a memory before too long
“Old Flame” by Alabama
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Great fucking song.
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She’s worthless. She is divorced with 2 kids and is acting like a 14 yr old dumb bitch.
Get rid of her and forget about her. She’s used garbage.
It’s not “alpha” to have anything at all to do with her.
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“This sort of insidious bullshit is what women do when they want to express disapproval about their man but lack the balls to say so outright. A woman’s coin of the realm is subterfuge and sabotage. They have mastered these arts over millennia to compensate for their weaker physical strength. Don’t ever let a feminist dope or manboobed blubberboy who hasn’t seen vagina since his mother’s birth canal tell you otherwise. In the deception and manipulation sweepstakes, women are furlongs ahead of men.”
AMEN
– from a guy who just got out of a relationship with a manipulative, deceitful bitch
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CH speaks wisdom here.
Better to face reality sooner than later: it’s time to plan an exit strategy.
You’re on the verge of emotional pain and loss. You’re a beta and you’ve crossed the threshold of her beta tolerance and hypergamy is now driving her. It’s only a matter of short time before the relationship ends- with her invoking the wedge issue to end it and her cheating on you. This process has already started. She’s put her vaginal slutty scent in the air for another man to pound it when she’s ready.
Whatever you do, even it’s nothing, she we will rationalize her actions out of the relationship.
Execute none, one, two or all three of CHs suggested tactics. This won’t save your relationship but will help you get over this faster.
*Most important*
-Cease all financial obligations to her immediately
-Begin prospecting new women
-Begin and/or increase exercising
-Eat better/healthier
-Shift any or all practical burdens to her, especially for her bastard kid(s)
-freeze her out emotionally and never giver her an explanation for anything (this is your best weapon, she will go insane yammering with her friends and mom about your behavior)
Face reality my friend. She has no respect for you and it’s not going to change.
good luck.
[heartiste: not giving an explanation for anything you do is really good advice. i’ve done this unintentionally, when i just wasn’t in the mood to explain myself to my girl, and it has never failed to drive them bonkers. and a chick going bonkers is a chick close to the edge of a full-blown case of the tingles.]
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I just read a few responses and had to add a bit more, because some of the comments here are sickening.
Her motives or situation of the relationship is IRRELEVANT. Women shit test about past ex’s like this on the first date, and I have seen my mother do it to my father after 30 years of marriage. Alpha is alpha, beta is beta, and Hypergamy is hypergamy.
It also pisses me off that people are blaming the girl (“she’s not LTR material”). She’s a puppy shitting on the rug. You can’t get mad at her for following her nature, but you can potty train her.
This commenter is shitting Beta out of every orifice. He’s full of self-doubt, the post is written as a plea for help, and he cared enough to secretly snoop on her text messages. Yes, she is an old, single mother that has probably been physically and emotionally damaged by years of pump and dumps…But he’s still too Beta to control that.
If he was even a little bit more alpha, she would be the sweetest little thing for fear of losing a semi-worthy man willing to raise her kids.
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Regardless of the ages and other relationship uncertainties this is a good topic to address for beta men that need to accept the RED PILL and start studying GAME. As it’s been discussed here at CH, game also greatly helps with LTR management.
This post is an excellent example of the manifestations of female hypergamy at the onset of an LTR breakup. There is a tipping point where the relationship (in the emotional pair bonding sense) has ended yet the practical and social elements drag it out.
The beta men are too weak and/or deluded to accept the reality and the woman is “unhappy” but can’t explain it. She will rationalize however it best suits her selfish need to limit social and emotional backlash and will have no guilt or remorse about clipping the man loose for him to bleed in his emotional pain; while she pursues her next cock adventure…or “romance” (to use vagina vernacular) immediately after (or during) the final days of breakup.
For the beta man this is the ugly and even steeper decline into the cycle of scarcity. Having no game, thus no options, he clings to the ONE semi-avg pussy he can get, invests every white knighted gesture into the relationship only to be gutted and left empty once her tolerance for betaness has been exceeded.
When your GF is txting her ex or exes frequently she is pissing on your head. And if you haven’t properly set the gender roles in the relationship from the start its inevitable that a smoking gun indicator like this will manifest and signal the beginning of the end.
I was the beta man once, got burned…and learned. Now I’m the guy that is being txted by the beta’s GF. Which experience gives you more insight? (rhetorical)
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Then there’s the other side. The woman who only revealed she’s married to me by telling me while we were having drinks that as a flight attendant she often finds herself giddy and disoriented after long flights:
Her: Sometimes I wonder, where am I? I forget where I am, I forget my husband.
Me: smiling: Maybe he’s easily forgetable…
We’re going out next week when she comes through again. Haven’t banged her yet. With this type of girl, comfort building is needed to give her the plausibility that she’s not a hypergaming slut….
I’ve gamed her back. Then done beta game to build that comfort.
If she was always talking about her ex/bf/husband….time to reframe or ignore.
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People still marry flight attendants?
Jet lags fuck up their hormones, and they drag a damn slutty reputation. Even in my modest experience.
Been in the same situation as you. She was married but you can only blame the husband.
You don’t marry a flight attendant.
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Not to mention that in the USA they’re usually over 40 years old, thanks to the flight attendant union.
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I agree there’s a little bit of oneitis or something happening here. The fact that he’s fretting about this enough to write and ask for help indicates he’s over invested.
Still, I think the thing to do is offer this woman some leadership. Tell her you want her to stop. Then, decide what your going to do.
I’ve written an entire post about this on my own blog.
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I don’t get it. Will she still have sex with you? If so, then who gives a shit what she does?
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@Feet On the Ground,
Still seeing PCG. Life is fun and exciting. It’s turned out to be less trouble than thought and easier to maintain. Still helps to have hand.
PS word to the wise, China is a volcano of social stress. Anyone expecting miracles of economic salvation out of Beijing better start drinking now.
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Hey Gorbachev,
That’s great — happy to hear it. Good on ya. Way to go.
I figured your silence here (recent months) meant either you were busy with your own blog or busy living your life (or both).
Glad to know you’re riding high.
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A lot of men have been heeding their first instinct and counseling to just dump the bitch. A few others point out that the woman is merely doing her job as a woman – carrying out her programming to test you, in ways that a hurtful and disrespectful.
Both approaches can work. But if you are good at training wild horses, you will have less need to screen for that a nice civil horse from all the horses out in the wild.
Sometimes you even have to slap a girl. Now a lot of men would rather just break up, rather than slap a girl.
Ya, that’s the point. At some point, you have to be extreme, if you want to tame an extreme girl.
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Lurked a bit– first post. I’m a tenured, social scientist with some pubs in peripheral areas. I say re your blog (especially this entry, and the next above): That’s gold, Jerry, gold!
Evolutionary psychology is un-fixably circular yet evolution must be the single most dominant determinant of human sexual behavior. Odd dilemma for one defending / defining world views.
B
p.s. Your next entry above is like a Zen Koan. If both parties adopt the strategy (of texting less), communication never ensues. Not a critique, but the irony when taking the strategy to its extreme suggests you might be on to something. Or, it could be the scotch!
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Kind of whorish
“like”
“sort of”
alphas don’t prevaricate.
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Some of us are actually still good friends with our exes. Have you even considered this? Men and women (yes even past lovers) can be just friends.
I still talk about/text my exes. I am not cheating. It is not a shit test. These are men who have affected me as a person and have taught me many things. I am no longer attracted to them sexually, but they are still my friends.
[heartiste: beta orbiters.]
I love my current boyfriend very much and he understands this. That’s why I’m with him and none of my exes. If he ever got jealous enough to call me a “whore” or flirt with someone because I talked to an ex, I would think of him as a simple-minded child.
[having extensive contact with numerous exes is disrespectful to your current bf. if he puts up with it, he is beta.]
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i can 100% full assure you that any of those exes you keep in contact with, dumped you. Women don’t keep men around or stay in contact on a regular basis with men they dumped
I bet not one of the exes you keep in your orbit did you dump. ANd if you did dump them, you’d kindly disregard them for your boyfriends peace of mind.
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“and have taught me many things.”
You think that matters for a man? All we can think about when we hear “ex” is the other guy’s dick inside your pussy. It’s a damn hard thing to forget even when we don’t hear “ex” at all.
It’s not childish, it’s called being a man.
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There are probably two big factors that should mitigate a man’s response to this phenomenon.
1. How recently and how much a girl was with her ex. People simply talk and think a lot about things they’ve been exposed to a lot in the recent past…like propaganda. There isn’t necessarily a deeper motivation here.
2. How significant a girl’s ex-relationship was. If her ex was a major influence on her life, then expect her to talk about it. The only thing you can really do is reframe in an “alpha” way.
I am reminded of Don Draper in Mad Men. Early in the show, his wife, in their bedroom, says to him, “You know, the first boy I ever kissed was Jewish.”
Don Draper simply pauses briefly and says, “How did that happen?”
He doesn’t act a fool here because it’s clearly not a big threat…indeed, he requests elaboration, and she gives it, ending the story on her own in a slightly self-critical fashion.
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“I am no longer attracted to them sexually, but they are still my friends.”
LOL. Beta, 100%.
“or flirt with someone because I talked to an ex, I would think of him as a simple-minded child”
That’s what you say you “would think of him”. Actually you’d find a new wave of attraction for him, especially if the woman he was flirting with was of equal or greater SMV than you. And let’s qualify flirting as positive exchange of interest/attraction signals.
*but*
1) as CH said, your BF is beta and your exes are beta orbiters. You keep them around for ego stroking emotional support. That’s what you call “friendship”.
2) My intuition suggests you are at very youngest 27 and/or of average SMV.
Look at it this way: If your BF was alpha it’s not that he wouldn’t let you talk to your exes…it’s more so that you wouldn’t *need* to talk to your exes, or much want to. You’d be so enamored and consumed with keeping his attention for fear of losing him to a better looking girl.
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Coconuts, the simple-minded child is you. You lack the honesty and maturity to resist painting over your grimy need for ego-validation and titillation with moral sophistication. Any man who tolerates your bullshit is lacking in the sack department. It is disrespectful what you are doing, and it reveals scores about your character.
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Ultimatum time. Tell her you’ve noticed she’s nicer to her ex-boyfriends than her current ones. Prepare to leave her. If she shapes up, great. If not, it’s just as well. As a great player once said, you can’t lose what you never had. Besides, if she’s aging well she might be a good ex-girlfriend to have–actually, if you want to be playful tell her that the next time she pulls that rudeness on you. “You’d make a really good ex-girlfriend.” Don’t be bitter about it. Smile and laugh like you’re propositioning her.
And since Muddy Waters is on my brain, I’ll add that every guy should drink muddy water and sleep in a hollow log at least once in his life so he knows without a doubt that it’s preferable to putting up with a lowdown woman.
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Assuming you don’t live with her, just keep having sex with her but never escalate the relationship and start scouting out other women. She’ll walk at some point and that’s all for the best.
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Dump her, move on – cut off all contact.
She is taking you (the emailer) for granted.
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