Comment Of The Week: One-Way Judgment

Hugh G. Rection correctly notes:

Women basically want a monopoly on judgement. She can judge reject men as she chooses, but men are not free to reject/judge her or her choices, ever.

This is eau de feminism. The very essence of the grievance whore industry. The animating lifeblood of the degenerate freak mafia and crass SWPL status whores.

Freedom to judge for me, but not for thee.

And as if right on cue, here’s an indignant fat anchorwoman (meme alert!) spending four minutes of televised air time complaining about being bullied for her big beautiful womanliness by a viewer who wrote her a rather innocuous letter lightly chastising her for not trying to lose weight. (“There’re no bones in the ass, lady!”) Spot the irony: she judges the letter writer for being a “bully” while she herself should remain exempt from all judgment. I’ve got real news for ya, lady. You are a bad role model for young girls. Fatness is a character defect, and your inability to lose weight after years of television exposure is a stretch mark on your soul.

(I do like how the femcunt foot soldierettes tried to “out” the letter writer and discovered he is a muscular athletic bicyclist. Immediately they were robbed of hours of joyous but totally irrelevant ego assuaging snark.)

Runner-up comment winner award goes to Matt Parrott:

Before civilization added multiple layers of complexity, there were essentially two super-categories of humans:

Environmentally Selected Humans: These are populations which survived in low population deserts, rainforests, tundra, remote islands, and such. For them, the greatest obstacles to mating were freezing to death, dying of thirst, being eaten by a tiger, or whatever. They had relatively high testosterone levels, robust skeletal structures, and long penises. Why our common ancestor had a long penis is an important question which I’m going to set aside for now.

Sexually Selected Humans: These are populations which survived in the fertile temperate habitats, especially the major river valleys and deltas. For them, the greatest obstacles to mating were other males, increasingly intelligent and vicious males hellbent on killing you and taking your wife, mom, sisters, and daughters for themselves.

The human brain isn’t large enough to decipher differential calculus and program Facebook apps because that’s environmentally adaptive. It’s not. It’s environmentally maladaptive…a massive calorie sink, a nightmare for child delivery, and a huge vulnerability in terms of instincts becoming secondary to whichever abstractions are dumped into it.

It’s our anthropocentric vanity that lulls us into seeing environmental selection for intelligence as natural…despite common sense and the record clearly demonstrating otherwise. The only (and I do mean only) reason human intelligence exists as it does is as an instrument of male territorial aggression. The human male brain is designed by and for war. And human females have massive brains for the same reason human males have nipples.

Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about penises. I’m merely sketching up the background hypothesis so that the answer makes sense.

Male territorial aggression in the most fertile (and therefore populous) regions was ubiquitous before the transition to sedentary civilization, resulting in a chronic gender imbalance. While polygyny ensured that all fertile females would be mated with, neoteny and attractiveness determined whether a female would manage to mate with the most powerful (intelligent and therefore militarily successful) males.

The acute selection for neoteny and feminine attractiveness selects against testosterone and other “manliness factors”, including, incidentally and accidentally, male penis size. It’s one of those gender selection trade-offs, like how women who are busty have brothers with bitch tits.

1. The greater the percentage of temperate zone ancestry, the smaller the penis.

2. The more recent the temperate zone ancestry, the smaller the penis.

The final wrinkle with this is that Caucasians have rather recently stumbled across a series of adaptations which serve as misleading indicators of neoteny: white skin, blue eyes, and blonde hair. This changed the equation, easing the selective pressure on the “master switch” of testosterone which was evolution’s only option for making Asian females more attractive. White females could retain the lantern jaws, broad shoulders, and other less feminine features because they had cheat codes which made them appear more feminized than they actually are.

The comment section on this renegade outpost of the internet may be more like a lunchroom food fight than a roundtable of erudite punditry, but one thing you can say about CH commenters is their willingness to tackle tough, impolite subjects with truly open minds. You won’t find gems like this one illuminating the pages of the Washington Trope or the NewYorkBetaTImes. Or National Review.

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Reader F’in Mailbag!

Too many reader emails to do them all justice, so here is a sampling of some of the best ones from the past month.

Email #1

LD writes:

I imagine that hypergamy and neoteny are joined by perversity in the triangle of female darkness. Can you write about the history of mothers paedophiling their own daughters? It’s where things are heading now: I see it all around…at what point does slut culture and female sexual darkness manifest as the ultimate taboo for which women always blame men but for which they show stronger tendencies?

The Dark Triad of male psychological traits — narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism — that are especially alluring to women has its equivalent in a female Dark Triad, which would include narcissism (hypergamy), caprice (emotional manipulation), and, like the reader says, perversity (alpha seed vs beta resource internal conflict). Female sexual and romantic innocence is the greatest trick the Cosmic Hamster has ever played on man.

When unleashed by social forces, the female sexual impulse is wilder, more dangerous and more perverse than the male sexual impulse. It is wilder because women have less experience than men controlling their horniness once it is activated. It is more dangerous because the wreckage a cheating whore leaves in her wake is much more extensive than that left behind by a cheating man (think cuckoldry). It is more perverse because women, being ultimately creatures of the body, at once enslaved by and enraptured by the rhythms of their physical sexuality and life-making force, are above no sexual or psychological degradation to a man of sufficient dominance, nor are they above participating in the transference of their sexuality to other women, even their own young daughters. The phenomenon of aging mothers whoring out their little daughters in pedophiliac beauty pageants is testament to the crass perversity that animates the female sexual psyche. Only strong social controls, taboos and shame can keep the dark nature of women in check.

The female Dark Triad is not particularly alluring to men, but the women who possess these traits are very good at manipulating men’s weaknesses for maximum resource extraction. A man would be wise to recognize the warning signs and avoid these kinds of women, or give them no more of himself but his detached penetration. Unfortunately, many female Dark Triads are also very pretty, and that makes it tough for inexperienced men, especially betas who aren’t used to sleeping with good-looking women, to keep them at a psychological arm’s length.

As for Western culture… well, yes. It is getting sluttier, crasser, more perverse, more uninhibited, and more pedophiliac, in spirit if not in action. And, feminists no doubt will be surprised by this, the pedo pushing is mostly done by women. From tot beauty pageants to schoolteachers having orgies with their alpha students, we are getting a glimpse of how woman appears when all constraints on the full expression of her id have been removed, and there is no leadership from an overarching patriarchal authority. Quite a sight to behold.

Email #2

A reader just wonders:

just wondering … im new to the game and once i read that we should make girls think we pick up a lot of chicks…not exactly  but we should act as if losing her doesnt matter..

Anyways on to the point…as a part of game…you should be selling yourself to chicks as the guy who gets laid a lot…and what if you use some sort of nickname to pass that kind of feel onto them..

Friends always call me stallone for a reason…and he’s a fucking badass of a guy….i was wondering if relying onto that nickname to to be known would be a good idea…or if it would make me look like a kid with lack of personality

Making a girl think you are good with women (preselection) is different than making her think you can live without her (alpha scarcity). You should be instilling both feelings in the women you meet. Nicknames can be useful, but I wouldn’t lean on them too much, because a nick can easily cross the line to goofiness. Nicknames shouldn’t be try-hard; that is, they shouldn’t sound like you’re conspicuously trying to puff out your chest. “Smash Master Jam” is right out. So is “Pussy Slayer”. Also, it’s always better if a girl hears your nickname from your friends rather than from yourself. Third party vouchsafing beats first party self-promotion.

Some experimental nicks you could try on for size: Boss, CEO, Casanova, Death Row, The Way (as in “he has a way with women”), Jacques or Pierre (don’t ask me why, but these French names evoke visions of pure romance in a lot of American women), Stone, Pace Car (good nicks are enigmatic and impel the girl to ask how you got it), Massive Furry Ballsack.

I’d also suggest you go around telling girls you only have a first name, and were adopted as an orphan by a hippie family.

Email #3

Reader asks:

I’m a 33 year old guy, completely average in every way and i can’t stand the dull uninspired drudgery my life has become, I recently started reading the site and you guys seem to have fun picking up girls so i thought maybe i would give it a try.

I scored a -3 on your test for men so the level i am starting off at is pretty low, I am not fat but not in the best shape either, I’m just under 6ft tall and about a 6 – 6.5 on the attactiveness scale but i’m probably not the best judge of that. My IQ is 150+ and I’m making just over £80,000 a year in a boring job that I am indifferent to.

I’ve never really had much luck with women, I don’t have much patience for the hoops they make you jump through, They don’t tend to notice my much anyway and to be perfectly honest i am not the best at socialising. I get easily bored with conversation and find it hard to pretend i am still interested. I don’t like smalltalk and i tend to fidget a lot.
I am highly critical of others and have a hard time keeping it to myself, I am often accused of being an arrogant arsehole.

So what can i do to turn my life around, to start enjoying socialising more and to have more success with women. Is there a definitive guide to game that will take me through the whole process or should i just give up and just continue paying hookers?

First, you need to reframe how you see yourself. You’re all negative, and there’s no need for you to perceive yourself that way. Try this spin instead:

“Things are pretty good for me. I’m tall, decent looking, and make good money. I demand more from women so I tend to get bored easily. Women can sense my high standards and they chase me to win me over. Things have been slow lately, but I expect it to pick up once I focus on getting out and meeting more women than I currently do.”

Say the above out loud to yourself. You should be feeling better within seconds. See how easy that was? The reframe is not only a powerful tool for leading women to your bedroom, it’s a great self-motivational technique. Inner game is not just mumbo-jumbo; you really can achieve more with the right mindset. Women will intuitively sense your positivity and they will gravitate to you, with little effort on your part.

As for guides, read the archives here. There are a slew of pickup books and website forums that you can read, too many to list here. Start with the Mystery Method to get grounded in the science and the art of seduction. STOP going to hookers. The act of paying for sex is feeding your negativity. You’re better off fapping, if you really need immediate sexual relief. The best alternative is to let your balls fill up with juice so that you have the inspiration to get out of the house and interact with women. Finally, I suggest hitting up a social event organized by a corporate entity, something like a cooking class. You have been out of the game for a while, and clubs might intimidate you at first. Ease into the scene by going to low-key, lower energy venues, and working your way up to venues with more energy (and more hot women).

Email #4

“Nate” writes:

Hey, thought I would share with you something about the mouth, and perhaps how it relates to women’s pleasure when giving ‘deep throat’ blow jobs.

Interestingly, babies are very good at this, and often try to continue doing this for a very specific reason.

Simply put your tongue against the roof of your mouth, and swallow. This will pull on your uvula in a very specific way. If you continue to do this, you will soon feel a very specific sexual pleasure in your pants. It is my thought that having a penis rammed up against the uvula gives a similar effect for the recipient of the cock.

News you can use, folks.

PS Tried it, achieved nothing but cotton mouth. However, I do think women get pleasure from throat jamming, but the reason has more to do with the good feelings that they experience by being orally degraded.

Email #5

The D.R.G. writes:

Mine is a niche market, created in part by following CH-principles…

Can the esteemed custodians of the Chateau and its commentariat offer any advice for dealing with (read: managing) pregnant girlfriends? Specifically, mid-20s Eastern European pregnant girlfriends who have never set foot in the U.S. (thank God) and whose beauty falls on the far right side of the bell curve.

The solid game, aloofness and jealousy-inspiring deeds that got me here are now described as “insensitive.” Declarations of my caring intentions and loyalty are being kindly requested on a daily basis.

It appears that 99% of what is covered in this venerable blog focuses on initial attraction and LTR game, but what of pregnant, hyperactive hormone, HB9, young EE game? The goal is to transition from cad to dad (a mighty challenge in and of itself!) and maintain the relationship without straying into minefield of betatude and loosing the alpha edge that got me to where I am today.

Details for consideration:

She is 7 years my junior, university-educated, a professional model (though not or much longer), New Age-ish, of middle-class origins, and very traditional regarding gender roles.

I am American, university-educated, work abroad nine months out of the year (willing to change but will take a huge pay cut if I do), currently make five times as much as her, and am also very traditional regarding gender roles.

I’m not fully informed on the science involved in this specific circumstance, but I’d guess your pregnant girlfriend was experiencing a flush of the “beta male reassessment” hormone oxytocin. This hormone is responsible for coaxing women to appreciate the particular benefits that a stable, reliable, provider beta male brings to the table. When a baby is about to land in her lap, the last thing she can afford is abandonment by a sexy cad who suddenly finds her unfuckable.

While this blog focuses on cad game because it is the type of game that most men don’t understand and fail to execute properly, “dad” game, aka “vulnerability game“, is just as vital to impressing yourself on women that you are a seductive, well-rounded, high quality man. After all, women only ovulate one week out of the month. The rest of the time, they are open to the (limited) charms of the emotionally rich man who can connect with them on a level beyond intriguing aloofness.

So I’m not surprised your girlfriend is with insecurity as much as she is with child. You probably won her with alpha charm, and now she needs some more signs of beta attachment. She is, on a very primal level, worried that you might leave her at the critical moment. So give her those signs. Backrubs, occasional compliments (pregnant women love reassurances that they are still sexy, even though most men are disgusted by the thought of fucking a woman with a giant bloated belly full of baby), and timely comparisons to other women that favor her are all perfectly acceptable “beta male” game tactics that will put her mind at ease and grow the love. If you are a natural alpha male, this kind of stuff might come to you with some difficulty, so you will have to make a concentrated, deliberate effort to soften your jagged edges and play the doting herb once in a while.

Just don’t go overboard. A little bit of beta goes a LOOOOOOONG way. And don’t give her the declarations of commitment when she expects them, like immediately after she has mewled for attention. Chicks HATE HATE HATE when their demands are promptly met. It’s one of the universe’s great paradoxes. Better to shrug her off teasingly after she has a spell of neediness, and accost her later with a warm hug and sweet nothing when she doesn’t expect it.

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The Problem With Single Women Having The Vote

When you don’t have an alpha male in your personal life to admire and rely on for support (partly because you make your own money and don’t feel a pressing need to have a middle class compliment&cuddle herb around for security), you turn to the next facsimile — the substitute alpha male who promises limitless resources for you and your future sprogling. This substitute alpha male is The State, and its shaman emissary is Obama.

Don’t believe me? Check the polls.

If President Barack Obama wins a second term, he may have to thank all the single ladies: A new poll out Wednesday shows Obama crushing Mitt Romney among unmarried women by a lopsided 60%-31% margin. […]

The Quinnipiac survey found Romney up 54%-35% among married men and 49%-42% among married women. Obama led 47%-38% among single men and  60%-31% among single women.

Single women are bankrupting this country. And they don’t give a shit, as long as they get theirs, which includes tingles.

Marriage does seem to be at least a partial cure, but with overall marriage rates falling, and age of first marriage delayed, it’s likely the Gimmedat Party will soon demographically overwhelm national elections and put the “opposition” into permanent minority status. Couple this trend with the Mexodus where 2/3rds of all Amerindian migrants — and that’s a lot of them now — will vote for Gimmedats no matter what, and you are looking at a recipe for stark, self-interested regionalism and possible secession, coming soon to a deteriorating bread and circus pledge drive near you.

But, cheers, at least you got the latest comparatively advantaged, slave-labor iPhone and some cheap chalupas!

Related, Whiskey left a pretty good comment over at Sailer’s:

I wish immigration WAS a deciding factor for how Whites vote, but it just isn’t. White women don’t get harmed by it, there’s all those immigrant kids to teach, NGO-mind, and status monger over. Who taught me that?

STEVE SAILER.

The marginal vote gained by emphasizing immigration loses two (female) votes; Romney is a numbers guy, its why he emphasized it but not much on the GOP trail, and not at all tonight.

Does anyone think the undecided are going to vote for a guy who wants to deport illegals? Really? When those voters are overwhelmingly White and female? And single?

As Steve pointed out, the declining White share of the vote makes bigger White proportions mandatory for winning. If Romney wants to win, he has to get more than McCain’s 60% of the White vote. That means WOMEN. Since Obama took White single women by over 70%, and has an edge over abortion, contraception, paying for it, female preferences, culture wars, and the like. Romney can’t win them but he can cut say that percentage down by 10%.

And in office he can without fanfare on the margins increase deportations, fines for employing illegals (hit Chipotle hard), and the like. Marginal changes are all we have got, because Whites are smaller percentages of voters.

Do any of you know any actual women? They despise to a woman social conservatism, and anti-immigration measures like deportation as “cruel” and reactionary. Pandering to them is necessary. I’d rather have less bad than awful.

Whiskey is onto something. I swim among single women — mostly white, mostly educated and/or intelligent, in their 20s and 30s — and I can assure you they have a rock hard clit boner for Obama and leftie policies in general. Romney may as well be the anti-Christ when he’s not some buffoon at whom they happily lob insipid snark bombs. I can count on three fingers the number of unmarried girls I know who aren’t reflexively pro-O-face. And even among those women who might have some sympathies for anti-Gimmedat viewpoints, any hint that you were against eternally welcoming open borders to the third world would send them spinning into point and sputter orbit.

This is the reality we live in. It’s status whoring and self-righteous hypocritical white girl preening all the way down. The people have suckled on the Big Daddy Government teat for too long, and they ain’t giving it up. Single women are the worst teat sucklers because it is in the nature of women, before they have had their estrogenic rocket fuel burned out of them by marriage and children, to extract as many resources from the tribe’s public pot as they can manage, and to dispense as much of the public till to sympathetic groups in a showy self-annihilation of pathological altruism.

And men, the majority of them generally being weak-willed betas all too happy to dance to young babes’ tunes, have neither the balls nor the heart to call them out for their vapid politics. Many white men are so manboobed they actually yearn for their dispossession, both demographically and politically, like some cuckold fetishist lubing his palm with his salty tears and pulling forlornly at his purple pud in the corner as he gets psychologically ass-rammed by his gleeful tormentors.

As the day must yield to night, so did suffrage yield to anarcho-tyranny.

So, there is nothing really that Romney can do, that heeds the media’s constraints on his party for acceptable discourse, to win over this group. He has three choices that stand a chance:

1. Become Gimmedat Lite and hope to peel off a sliver of the single mom contingent, and then rule differently once in office (fat chance), sacrificing a second term for the greater good.

2. Maximize his gains among single white men. If he can get that group to vote for him 80-20, then the 70-30 advantage O-face has among single white women is nullified.

3. Hope that the polls are lying because people are saying what they think the pollsters want to hear.

Right now, number one is what’s happening, and even then I don’t think Romney pulls this off. Why settle for a poor imitation of the real thing?

In a future post, I will discuss how crime thinkers such as yourself can successfully navigate the sexual market of leftie SWPL chicks without scaring them off or suffering undue mental distress. Hint: Be a sly motherfucker.

Addendum:

Will white chicks flock to the alpha male, regardless of his politics? That’s a good question. The alpha allure may have met its match against the promises of the sexless, bottomless beta provider of the nanny state government. Romney out-alpha’ed Obama in the debate…

YOU GOT ALPHA’ED!

…but Obama still holds the trump card of being the guy who represents the dream of every girl to have a harem of eunuch beta male orbiters showering her with emotional support and money while demanding nothing in return. It’ll be interesting to see if the polls budge among women in favor of Romney because he looked like a boss disciplining a lackadaisical employee during the debate. Obama’s head nodding while Romney dressed him down was a huge beta tell, and women pick up on that subtle body language stuff. If they are sufficiently turned off, this election could be up for grabs.

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Spot The Manatee

An American woman in Florida was cited for riding a manatee, which is illegal.

😯 Poor woman. She’ll drown with that sea cow on top of her.

One of those two is an endangered species. The other is an invasive species. Either way, naturalists lose.

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How To Remain Unflustered Like An Alpha Male

Girls wil test, tease and taunt. This is the female mating modus operandi, and it exists because women need a convenient system for screening alpha males from beta males, for whom male looks aren’t enough information for women to go on.

The screening system is fairly ingenious and effective, because in the pressure cooker of face-to-face interaction, alpha males do tend to be the men who can either roll with the girly blows or parry them with maximum seductiveness. Beta males tend to be the men who react defensively, apologetically or feebly. Hotheads react butthurtly.

There is no end to the ways in which being an alpha male is better than being a beta male. So it would make sense to learn how to respond to female testing, teasing and taunting like an alpha male. In practice, this means you are going to have to be a lot less reactive and emotionally susceptible than you currently are, because alpha males all share, to a greater or lesser degree, a facility with well-timed and smoothly executed stoicism. Grace under pressure, if you will.

With that in mind, here are some actions and lines you can use when a woman has challenged you (and revealed her blossoming attraction for you). These are very generalizable responses, because they are meant to be that way. It almost doesn’t matter what kind of test the girl throws in your face; any of these cool hand alpha responses will boost your status, and hence your attractiveness, to her. These tactics aren’t meant to be the height of wit either, so you won’t fear stumbling over your words at the critical moment. They are, before anything else, responses that raise your relative status by influencing women’s perception of you. You have to be a bit of an actor to pull some of these off, but seduction is, in its essence, the art of acting.

The key to many of these is a bemused or neutral facial expression. Body language should be slow and deliberate, bordering on instilling discomfort in your female company. A drink helps here because you can telegraph deliberateness with subtle movements, such as slowly lifting a glass to your mouth to take a sip before replying to a girl. You are nonreactive. If it helps, imagine yourself as D. Draper. (Not Jon Hamm, who is a PC pussy in real life.)

– Arch eyebrows. Stare at her for three seconds. Look away.

– Look her over with neutral expression, draw in lips, slowly nod head, and exhale “yeeeeeeeahhh…..”

– Sarcastically, “Wow, so cold, so cold. mmhmmm.”

– “Goooooddamnit.” [act disappointed, shake head, frown] “I thought you were different.”

– “Hmm,” [pause pause pause] “you’re off to a good start, I see.”

– “Just what I needed tonight.” Smirk a little here. “A ballbuster.”

– Stare, cock head, blank face. “Charming.”

– “I’m sorry, did you say something?”

– Smile broadly and phonily. “All right! This is fun!” Raise your glass to her, like a toast.

– “I thought I was the biggest bitch here.” [to be used sparingly on especially hot women with serious bitch complexes]

– Exhale loudly and slowly. Put your drink on the bar. Turn to face her. Relax arms and clasp your hands together. Brighten your face like a CareBear. “Well. You really know how to win a gentleman over.”

– “Your games are for children.”

– Straight face, “I’m glad I got to know you.” Excuse yourself politely from her company.

– “I bet you say that to all the men who secretly make you a little nervous. Like a schoolgirl.”

– Furrow your brow, cock head, like your examining a zit on her face. “You’re…. weirdly fascinating.”

– “Thanks for not making this too easy/polite/friendly.”

– “It’s a good thing I met you. Nice girls bore me.” (“Normal girls bore me”, if you want to say something edgier.)

– “I’ve got a question.” Look at her, then look at your hand, tap the table or bar (or a herb’s forehead) with your fingers for a few seconds, stop tapping, look back at her. “Does this normally work for you?”

– “Well.” Raise your glass to her. Smile. Nod in appreciation. “Just what I expected.”

– “I’ve heard about girls like you.” Wait for a reply. “Nothing good, I’m afraid.”

– “C+.” She will ask what you’re talking about. “You’re flirting skills. Not bad, room for improvement if you apply yourself.”

– Make a fake pained expression. Breathe in through your teeth. Squint. Put a hand to your forehead like you have a headache, or to your chest like you have heart pains. “You wound me, deeply.” Immediately after saying that, assume your unaffected poker face. “Cheers.”

– Appear befuddled. “Your question seems silly to me.”

– “I’ve gotta hand it to you. I was expecting a sane, boring girl.”

– “Nevermind.”

– “Hold that thought.” Drink, talk to the bartender or a friend, or just stare at the wall. She will expect you to return to the conversation. You won’t.

– Duct tape her mouth. “That’s better.”

One of the above is a joke.

Bonus alpha maneuver!

Stick your fingers in your ears. “I can’t hear you.” If she doesn’t laugh, I’ll refund your boot camp money.

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A Reply To A Common Shit Test

Mystery has a pretty good reply (here’s his new website) to a hot chick who challenges him with a very common shit test that girls like to throw out.

HER: So why did you come over to talk to me?

HIM: [long, relaxed pause] Proximity.

She of course reacts by expressing that typical hot babe faux indignation that means the tingles have revved up. If you think “proximity” might be too polysyllabic a word for the girl you’re hitting on, you could substitute with “Convenience” or “You were closest.” The key will be your body language. Pause, and strike. Chicks dig the pause and strike.

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Penis Size Around The World

Ah, HBDers. They get a bad rap as autistic nerdlings. But, you know what, Rainman didn’t miss a toothpick. That’s more than can be said for emotional equalists who make up toothpicks where none exist, and pretend that the toothpicks in front of them are actually thumbtacks. The latest support for human biodiversity theory comes to us from a guarded location deep in politically incorrect kingdom, where offense reigns supreme, censors are routed, and outraged pussies are mercilessly mocked until they slice lengthwise.

What’s the latest news you can self-abuse? Penis size differs by ethnicity and race.

The average British man’s penis is apparently 5.5in when erect – coming ahead of the French at 5.3in, Australians (5.2in), Americans (5.1in) and Irish (5in).

And it towers over the average manhood in North and South Korea – the smallest in the study at a mere 3.8 in.

But British men do not have a great deal to shout about in the trouser stakes – coming only 78th out of 113 nationalities covered in the study.

The men of Africa’s Republic of Congo are best equipped of all at 7.1 in.

The study isn’t without its critics, who contend the methodology is wanting. But it is a preliminary stab at a forbidden subject that pretty much confirms what all of us slyly notice in pornos and at the gym locker. Black dudes are packing and Asian dudes are sprouting. White dudes are in the middle.

Average penis size by country:

Republic of Congo, 7.1 [ed: show-er… and grower?]

Ecuador, 7

Ghana, 6.8

Colombia 6.7

Iceland 6.5

Italy 6.2

South Africa 6

Sweden 5.9

Greece 5.8

Germany 5.7

New Zealand 5.5

UK 5.5

Canada 5.5

Spain 5.5

France 5.3

Australia 5.2

Russia 5.2

USA 5.1

Ireland 5 [leprechauns!]

Romania 5

China 4.3

India 4

Thailand 4

South Korea 3.8

North Korea 3.8 [but their women’s pussies are tight like balloon knot, so it doesn’t matter… until they emigrate to non-asian countries.]

Penises are like the story of Goldicocks and the Three Bears.

Big Black Bear’s cock is sexy but uncivilized. It tears Goldicocks up, leaving her a quivering mass of orgasmic release and STDs.

Androgynous Asian Bear’s cock is unstimulating but loyal. It barely makes a dent in Goldicocks’ cavernous vagina, but it sticks around to see the kids (aka “grays”) through 35 years of post-graduate schooling, and eventually goes on to rule the world with their half-asian bear, half-jewish home invader progeny.

Wan and Woolly White Bear’s cock is juuuuust right. Sexy enough for Goldicocks to feel like her cave is properly explored, but included with some safety gear and a home mortgage.

On a less serious note, readers may wonder why racial and ethnic penis size differences exist in the first place. Random genetic drift? An evolutionary adaptation along for the ride because it was hitched to some unrelated genetic variant that improved survival&reproduction? Sexual selection? Lynn has offered his theories, and I’ve heard of others. The most plausible theories boil down to these two:

– Women in warmer r-selection societies (where kids are pumped out early and often and fathers are mostly absent and not needed to help raise the kids) choose men who are flashier, sexier and sizier. Literally. It’s hot out, you’ve got your cock out, and women are staring at your package next to a bunch of other guys’ packages. The women don’t care so much about your fidelity or your paycheck from coding Facebook apps; first things first, they want that massive dong.

– Men in r-selection societies need bigger penises to dig down deep and scoop out competitor male sperm, said sperm which is in there because the women are really slutty and/or unfaithful. Men in highly k-selected societies, like Japan, don’t need huge dongs because their women aren’t always on the prowl for side action sexytime. A small hoohah helper does the trick.

If you’ve got other theories for population group penis size discrepancies, let’s hear them. The more interesting angle to this is the intra-European size difference. Why are the Irish smaller than the Germans? Why are Swedes so relatively hyooge? Background noise? Or is something else going on here? Something… so distasteful to polite society, that not even whispers escape the mouths of crime thinkers?

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