The Wrong Way To Get Out Of The Friendzone

For those men who think they can talk their way out of the friendzone and into the poosy zone, here’s a cautionary reminder from a reader who let it all hang out with a girl who had only known him as a lovable, asexual emotional whore:

I attempted to get out the friendzone and admitted my feelings to my friend. She has been busy addressing personal issues i.e. things “not going her way” or “bad stuff happening all at once.” She has reminded on two occasions via text that she wants to talk and “has not forgotten about me.” In the back of my head I have accepted I will most likely be rejected. To add insult to injury, I know, through mutual friends, she has been entertaining out of town girlfriends and attended a couple of social gatherings (i.e. dinner and a pool party).

When she does decide to talk how do I react? Do I “punish” her for ignoring me? If so, how do I play that card? Or is there an alternative?

Getting out of the friendzone is no easy task, especially if you have never been anything to the girl but a friend with advanced commiseration ability. Many men can tolerate only so much denial of their sexual needs by oblivious girls using them for emotional bonding before the breaking point is reached whereupon the man foolishly decides bracing candor is an effective course of action to turn that girl buddy into a passionate lover.

It never is. Admitting your feelings to a girl buddy is an extinction level fail that will harden her disgust at the thought of you as a sexual partner. If you have a hard time fathoming the fail here, imagine a morbidly obese woman who has been a friend of yours for years suddenly shoving her bratwurst tongue down your throat in a moment of unrestrained lust.

Failure #2: Not recognizing female hamster rationalizations as evidence of discomfort with your desire. When a girl says “Bad stuff is happening all at once”, or “I need some time to myself”, what she is really saying is “Bad stuff with you is happening all at once” and “I need some time with a sexy alpha male.” She’s pushing away from you, my friend. You aren’t just failing to make her attracted to you, you’re actually making things worse.

Failure #3: Thinking you can still win her over. When you have gone too far down the path of sackless betatude, almost anything you do will enhance her status and diminish yours. You care too much, and she knows that. A man who cares is a man who is denied love. Your efforts, such as they are, will only be perceived by her as confirmation of your poor mate quality.

The way to play this game is to act like you aren’t playing at all. First, get it out of your head that she nurses a lingering attraction for you. She despises you. Nothing but pity and contempt for you lingers in her head. She will not ever “see the light and come around”. Second, don’t make the mistake of thinking a calculated reversal of your emotional availability is the antidote to her lack of attraction. You cannot shift your behavior on a dime and expect there to be no blowback. If you become cold and distant, she will simply assume you are butthurt by her rejection of you.

“When she does decide to talk how do I react?”

Bad frame. She isn’t going to decide to talk to you, and your job in life isn’t to react to whatever awesome nonsense spills from her lips. How about this better frame: “If I decide to talk to her it will be because I’m bored.”

“Do I “punish” her for ignoring me?”

She is nothing of importance to you. Why would you punish a nothing for acting like a nothing? If she contacts you, treat her like you would any insignificant entity in your life: neutrally, until she proves otherwise by behaving either pleasantly or condescendingly.

“If so, how do I play that card?”

Let’s say she calls or texts you, “Hey, what’s up! I told you I haven’t forgotten about you, my bestest guy friend in the whole world!” Are you supposed to grovel to this? Show gratitude for bestowing you with her attention? Punish her for ignoring you? Get hysterical with loving pleas for deeper intimacy? Go ahead, do any of that. And then hear how quickly the conversation goes south. No, the way to play this card is with AMUSED MASTERY. What a funny bird to be talking like this to you, as if you’ve been breathlessly anticipating her call for weeks! She is so weird. And a little stalkerish. You are amused by women’s hyperbolic drama when you know what uneventful lives they really lead. You reply, “Wow, you’re weird. Thinking about me the whole time?”

“Or is there an alternative?”

You are the friend, and she is in your friendzone. You are the alpha male, and she is a contestant for a slot in your harem. You are the doer, the creator, the lover, and she is the appreciator of your masculine vitality, the very vitality that women everywhere secretly envy and wish for themselves. That means, she exists to entertain you. She will enjoy your time when you have time to spare. She is your toy, not the other way around.

Remember this. Now you have inner game. You have the attitude. The attitude will infuse your arteries like rivulets of mutant DNA, transforming you from needy beta to alluring alpha. She’s a strange duck, so full of herself, but you’ll play along. You like to have fun. So you tease her. And you taunt her. And you dismiss her when she tries to angle you as the eunuch lump she used to dump all her gripes on. “So let me tell you about this guy who…” Sssshhhh… be quiet, socially awkward attention whore penguin. Did you know you have funny looking feet? What’s that? Still blabbering about this other guy? Thanks for the medical update on the condition of your vagina. So hot, so attractive. No wonder you’re still single.

Do you see, reader? Have you been darkly enlightened? Then go forth, and recreate. And return here when you have something uplifting to tell us all.