Relationship Game: The Day-To-Day Alpha

A dusty tome retrieved from the recesses of the Chateau study reveals an ancient code inscribed by prophets of yore:

statement-statement-question

What’s this, you ask? Why, it’s the alpha male way to direct a conversation with a girl! Why this way? Think of the alternatives.

question-question-question: Bludgeoning a woman with questions makes you sound desperate for a connection.

statement-statement-statement: The bane of the tone-deaf, try-hard man unknowingly alienating a woman because he’s not listening to her and he’s giving away all his mystery.

Framing what you say into a statement-statement-question format is the ideal mode of seductive communication, because it demonstrates in equal measure an ability to command a conversation and to interact with a woman. You first lead the convo with a statement, then ask a question to get the girl yapping. It’s the art of charismatic rapport.

Similarly, there is an ideal way for a man to direct a long-term relationship so that it’s maximally rewarding and minimally punishing. Directing a relationship means, in practice, striking an optimal balance between your alpha and beta behaviors. Succinctly, beta behavior is romantic and alpha behavior is sexy. Or, to put it another way, beta behavior is reassuring and alpha behavior is alluring. There’s more to them than that, but that’ll do for purposes of this post.

In yesterday’s post, reader Sidewinder asked,

How does one do obligatory beta things in the course of a relationship in an alpha way?

The key words here are “in the course of a relationship.” The ratio of your alpha to beta will be different with a woman who already loves you and to whom you have already committed, than it will be with a woman you have started dating or with whom you don’t want anything more than a sexual fling. Like the statement-statement-question ratio above, the alpha-to-beta ratio would look like this:

Short term sexual flings or pre-LTR dating: alpha-beta-alpha.

Long-term romantic connections: beta-beta-alpha.

If you’re doing it right, you’ll be less beta early on when the girl needs to feel your masculine sexy energy, and more beta later on when the girl needs to see more signs of commitment. You’ll be more alpha up front, less later (as a function of time spent together), and the beta behavior that is more like a pleasantly surprising seasoning during the early stages of courtship will become more of a staple in an LTR.

Rephrasing these ratios into game lingo, your behavior will generally be push-pull-push when you meet a girl and have to build her attraction to you, and pull-pull-push when you are in a committed relationship and the girl has already made an investment in you (and you in her), and your margin for beta error is larger and your margin for alpha alienation is smaller.

This is the fundamental reality of sexual polarity and male attractiveness duality. The effects of a man’s sexuality will change as he oscillates between alpha and beta behavior in accord with the woman’s need for signals of long-term investment.

So occasional Acts of Beta are not a horrible thing; in fact they’re necessary if you want a relationship with a woman longer than three months that isn’t corrosive or emotionally exhausting. But there are more and less attractive ways to “be beta.” Giving of oneself can come from a place of neediness — supplication, cloying flattery, fearful obeisance — or it can come from a place of self-assured joy.

Here are some common Acts of Beta refitted so that they’re executed with an alpha attitude.

Gift giving

Don’t buy something for her at the moment she’s leering at her object of acquisition. This is what men who are happy to support golddiggers do. Buying her stuff when she most expects it will only increase her demands for more stuff. It’s better to keep your gift-giving spontaneous, cheap and thoughtful. Flowers left on the table for her when she gets home. A small, goofy poem tucked into the clutter of her nightstand. For added effect, act at first like you don’t know who got her the gift. Inquire if it was her secret lover, and threaten to one-up “him” by buying her a yacht. Don’t get carried away with “special occasions”. One gift and done for birthdays and anniversaries. Keep her expectations low, and it will always be a challenge to disappoint her.

Making entertainment decisions

Ok, so she chooses a chick flic. This is not the worst thing in the world. With a little forethought, you can persuade her to choose a movie less vomit-inducing. Preempt her suggestions and take the lead in guiding her choice: “This is going to take a lot out of me, but I’m willing to watch a girly movie with you tonight, as long as I get a say in the matter.” She’ll feel bad about putting you through torture, so she’ll be more open to watching the less obnoxiously sappy chick flics, like Seven.

Doing things together

The worst thing you can do is not make a bad choice, but make no choice at all. Every man will be faced with those moments when he either can’t be bothered to think of something to do with his beloved, or he really can’t come up with any ideas. “What do you want to do?” are the most terrifying words a man will hear, next to “I missed my period” and “I had lunch with my ex.” Whatever you say, don’t sound wishy-washy. Even if your idea sucks, it’s better to forcefully present a sucky idea than to waver and say you’ll do whatever she wants to do. Now, this doesn’t mean you don’t get any input from her. It means you offer a suggestion, and be flexible if she makes a counter-suggestion.

Shopping together

If you get that expectant “Will you buy this for me?” look from your woman, muse thoughtfully about the product, and then announce it would look great on your mistress. Ask your girlfriend/wife if it comes with a motorcycle. Wait a few months, and then buy it for her. The object here is to never get caught being the type of man that asks “How high?” when his woman wants him to jump.

Making it rain

If you’re going to spend beaucoup bucks on your girl, (and you’re a well-off man for whom the expenditure is inconsequential), don’t get her “stuff.” Buy her experiences instead. Two plane tickets to a European city will be appreciated more fondly than a thousand pieces of jewelry.

The crying game

Every so often a girl just needs a good cry. Maybe she had a bad day at work, her parents are bugging her, or she got a shitty haircut. Let her tumble into your arms to sob it out. And, though this won’t need saying for the more experienced men in the audience, don’t say anything. Over and over, I’ve rediscovered the power of keeping your trap shut when a woman is in the midst of an emotional draining. Hug, stroke, and silently sympathize. That’s all you need to do.

When she says annoying or stupid shit

Follow the 80/20 rule. 80% of the time, ignore her or change the subject. 20% of the time, call her out on her bullshit.

Compliments and flattery

Keep it rare, spare and unawares. The best compliments are unexpected, and evenly divided between being romantic and raunchy.

Advice

Don’t bother. Women are constitutionally incapable of receiving advice in good faith without twisting it into an attack on their character or attractiveness. Either lead her to what you want her to do, or let her flounder on her own.

Conversational fluff

Expect that in any relationship, she will be doing 75% of the talking, and you will be doing 75% of the head nodding. If you don’t like this, you should be dating a man.

When things get really frustrating

Leave. It works wonders. Slip out the back, Jack. Return in a few hours, after she’s had time to think clearly about the rift her bad behavior is causing.

If she fattens up

Dump her. Serioulsy. You are staring down the barrel of decades of unsatisfactory sex and resentful withdrawal. If you truly deeply love her, the best persuasion is leading by example. Exercise more, get buff, draw attention from other women, flirt with other women, and, if you are really fucking subversive, buy her a dress in the size she was before she got chubby.

Maintaining mystery

The toughest thing for any man is staying mysterious for his woman. The more a woman knows about her man, the less excited she feels about him. An easy way to inspire wonderment is to stay late at work a few nights, unannounced. Another way is the calculated revelation: “Oh, I thought I told you I was a local karaoke legend?” Be more unpredictable. Try speaking in a fashion that avoids your most common tropes and semantics. Radically change your style of dress. Join a club. Attend a seminar. Anything to shake up the monotony.

Cuddling

Make a small effort to not fall asleep after sex one in a while. Cuddle. Under no circumstances should you be the little spoon, unless you’re being a clown about it.