Reader Mailbag: The Fire Was Never There

“John Smith” writes about a broken engagement that didn’t work out as he had hoped,

I met this girl 18 months ago on a party and we really hit it off. I mean she was funny, beautiful and what not and I was the total stud… BUT she was engaged… and in a long distance relationship. Now I know that these don’t last (and in the end it didn’t) so I decided to stick around and see how things evolve.

I stated my intentions in the beginning (not that lame not to) and she knew from the very beginning what I wanted from her (to fuck her brains out) and she was ok with that- in a nutshell she told me “I would fuck you too but I’m engaged you know. I’m waiting for my fiance to move here and to start living together. However you’re a cool and funny guy so I want us to be friends. Don’t expect anything from me as long as I’m engaged”.

Long story short we kept seeing each other (like once a week). I have to mention as well there were two big fights between us with like a 2-3 months pause in our relations (yeah it was a strange relationship) about some stupid shit but we made up again and kept seeing each other. Her fiance was sick with their long distance relationship so he broke with her 2 months ago.

Now here comes the conclusion: her fiance broke off with her and I made my move. I told her that I want her and that she’s an amazing woman (I really mean that… more or less) [ed: I’m sure you do, but does that help you bang her?] and we started seeing each other more often. HOWEVER I sensed that something wasn’t right… There was some distance… something between us (in a negative way) and she wouldn’t let me close (you know what I mean). So I confronted her and asked her what the fuck is going on? And she told me that “yes she wanted to fuck me back then” and “yes she tought I was a cool and sexy motherfucker” but now “after so much time together” she sees me only as a friend. She couldn’t feel any atraction to me and that’s it- there couldn’t be anything between us! (no comment here). The thing is she keeps giving me signs that she wants the D (or at least I see things that way, but people around us as well tell me that when they observe us they think she likes me). That’s why I kept seeing her.

But one night after she rejected my offer to go see a movie or something like that which envolved going out only with me and beeing more intimate (again) I got pissed off and told her that this can’t go on like this (on the phone). I told her basically that I want her as a woman not as a friend and I always wanted her that way and basically I’m not interested in this bullshit pretend friendship and that we can’t be “just” friends. She was upset of course because I’m a good friend and a cool and funny guy who takes care of her, but I was sick with that crap and that was it. (It really pissed me off that thing about “too much time has passed THE FIRE ISN’T THERE ANYMORE”- she gave the speech again I swear I imploded internally when I heard this bullshit again).

So basically I told her that things can’t go one like this- we could still see each other and what not but I won’t be as envolved with her as before because there is not motivation for me anymore. So what’s your take on this whole thing? It’s not like I’m desperate- there are plenty of fish in the sea. It’s just that she’s smoking hot 😀 I’m curious about your opinion.

I hope you’ve enjoyed your years-long stay in the friendzone, because that’s exactly where you’ve been this whole time.

A few facts about the friendzone:

1. It doesn’t matter what she says now
2. It doesn’t matter what she said in the past
3. It doesn’t matter what your friends or her friends say
4. It doesn’t matter how strongly you feel about her
5. It doesn’t matter how much of a stud you think you are

All that matters is the receptivity of her pussy to your dick. Anything less than her full frontal assault on your crotch is meaningless white noise, more distracting than illuminating.

When a girl says that the “fire isn’t there anymore”, you can bet that the fire was never there. She was using you as a temporary cock prop to feed her need for self-esteem. With her fiancé away, you filled in nicely as the asexual lump who could give her the flattery her distaff soul craved.

Once the fiancé broke it off (and that should have been a huge red flag that she was still in love with him, because girls rarely fall out of love with men who initiate the leaving protocol), the nature of your platonic relationship with her changed. You were no longer a harmless side show. Now you were a dude with a raging boner who was dribbling acidic pre-cum of spite and bitterness and desperation all over her soft cardigan. And you cemented that impression by “making your move” and coming on very sexually as soon as you thought the coast was clear. Finally, you buried any remote chance at sex by indulging in a symphony of butthurt with your little speech about not being able to “go on like this anymore”.

Big mistake. If you had any shot with this girl, you needed to do the opposite of what you did. After the engagement ended, she was expecting you to accelerate into your natural beta chaser mode. Instead, had you slowed down and pushed away and put some emotional and physical distance between the two of you, the shock and strangeness of your behavior would have stoked her curiosity. She’s known all along you wanted her — you told her! — so you needed to sow some serious doubt about your intentions and her ability to read your intentions. You needed to preemptively eject, and return later when she had hamstered up after a few weeks of circular self-analysis questioning her desirability to you.

The main lesson here is to never put yourself in these emasculating social positions that feed your powerlessness. Stop being friends with women you want to bang.

Maxim #3: Bang first, befriend later.

Follow that maxim, and so many troubles that afflict the lonely beta male evaporate.

***

This provincial reader needs game advice that doesn’t require frequent flyer miles,

Please address what a man should do if he’s not well-travelled.

Girls usually react negatively when they find out I’ve not travelled extrensively.  Should I have a few go-to lies about travel experiences?

A dearth of travel experience is one of the easiest deficiencies to fix. So easy, it’s a wonder more men don’t bother putting in the minimal work to remake their worldliness. All you need to do is Wiki some basic knowledge about a few key European cities — Paris, London, Madrid, Prague, Rome, Venice, Berlin, Amsterdam, Stockholm, Kiev (for a challenge) — memorize it, and regurgitate it with a little personal spin added for authenticity. Travel tidbits you should have mentally available to season a conversation to taste include a couple of famous landmarks, a local restaurant name and cuisine, the name of a popular mode of local transport, the name of a nightclub, the language spoken, and a favorite local food or drink. These are the basics. If your memory and your love of tall tales are inexhaustible, you can add smaller details like the style of dance, the local fashion sense, the attitude toward foreigners, and a couple of funny stories that involve you and some irate or smitten native (depending on the mood you’re trying to evoke in your listener).

The Wiki option is far cheaper in money and time spent than the alternative. There are other sources besides Wiki, of course. Reading up on travel hot spots and studying the travel guides for local flavor should be as much a part of your game as learning negs and qualifications.

One go-to travel lie I’ve used in the past (when I was a stripling who had yet to cut a swathe across the globopolitan landscape of ladies) is a story about riding a scooter through the cypress-lined olive groves of Tuscany and getting lost on my way to visit a pen pal who lived in a nearby town. Searchig vainly for road signs I could interpret, I stopped at the side of a road in a cloud of dust to watch a fetching Italian girl read a book under a shade tree. I motioned for her to come to me, and she approached. I asked if she spoke English. She didn’t, so we spent twenty minutes communicating by drawing our thoughts in the dirt with sticks.

At the time I told this story to an entranced American girl, it wasn’t true. It became true, more or less and give or take some honeyed details, later in life. But why wait for love until later in life? Make love when you can, because it is good. And you don’t want to be one of those men who regrets the pussy he never slammed.

***

“Dentata” (troll alert) writes,

Walking down street with a fling, we pass a guy and his girl, he says hi, my fling says hi. A few seconds later, rolling her eyes and smiling a bit, “I haatte that guy. I work with him, he’s such a twit”.

When I chick signals her dislike for a guy, it’s usually an indicator of inchoate tingles right?

Context, my quasi-trollish friend. Context. If she’s telling you that she hates a certain guy, it could just be a womanish ruse at rapport greased with the viscera of a surrogate chump. Her “hatred” is irrelevant in this scenario. She may despise her coworker or merely chafe at his annoying nerdliness or his choice of footwear. The point isn’t him, it’s you. Her giddy utterance is Krazy Glue to bond your “fling” more tightly and change its molecular structure to the polymer L-T-R.

In general, it’s a good rule of thumb that when a girl explicitly declares her “hate” for this or that man, it means something sexually sinister is lurking beneath her superego surface. Women as a sex (feminists excluded) are not disposed to air their hatred of other men so cavalierly. Be especially wary if a woman expresses “hatred” for a particular man more than once or twice. Female hatred is as often repressed sexual desire as it is authentic malevolence.

***

A reader wants to know if his good friend (hmm) executed good game,

My good friend ran into an interesting situation with a girl he picked up off street-game. According to him, he didn’t overgame in the initial interaction but he is known to be a bit gamey so take that with grain of salt. He number closes and sets up a date.

The following all happened today:

Him: “T, NYC from a local’s eyes — Meet me at 50th n 5th @ 7th — wink if u hear meh!!”

Her: “Are you peacocking? And will you kino me? Maybe neg me, too. Because that’s what you usually do right?”

So at this point he reaches out to me and asks me how to respond. I consult some of my buddies that I game with and these were some of the choices:

Option A) “Wow I see you read the game. I think I’m supposed to keep plowing and tell you to shut up and meet me at 7!” (That was my choice, read it from a YaReally comment that was similar awhile back)

~~~

Option B) “I’m doing all of those things right now simultaneously n one sentence, and looking good doing them too”

~~~

Option C) “Someone read The Game”

~~~

Option D) “I’ve got my top hat and magic tricks ready”

~~~

Option E) “Put on your sexiest underwear, since you know what to expect”

Ultimately my buddy went with option A…

Him: “Wow I see you read the game. I think I’m supposed to keep plowing and tell you to shut up and meet me at 7!”

Him: “Text me if ur late!”

Her: “You can’t communicate with girls without memorizing scripts can you”

Again, my buddy consulted me and we came up with two choices from here:

Option A) “Oh I was actually doing this thing called ‘asking a cute girl out ona date’but if u want I’ll bring my top hat too”

~~~

Option B) “Damn, you caught me> I’ve been typing in the Don Corleone lines from the Godfather. Maybe I should have picked a different movie.”

~~~

Ultimately my buddy went with Option A….

And then he got this:

Her: “I am sorry but this ‘date’ is not going to happen”

~~~

So yeah, he hasn’t responded to that as of this time and not sure what’s the best move. I’m sure the best move could have been early on. Maybe he was overgaming in the initial interaction or agreeing and amplifying wasn’t the way to go.

Or this girl wasn’t even worth his time and my buddy is better off for it. Ammmmmiright? (Guys?)

The way I saw it, he had 3 choices when she called out game in her first reply

1) Disregard and keep plowing 2) Agree and amplify 3) Bend to her frame

As I type this, I realize that ellipsis game may have been the best route.

“…“, “gay”, “ssshh” all would have worked instead of the lengthy responses your friend sent. But my favorite is the recently unearthed “emoji game“. A graphic of a cat sitting next to a birthday cake strikes me as the ideal mix of no-fuck-given alpha ‘tude and teasing, flirty vibe for a girl who thinks she’s gotten one over on you.

In all my years of womanizing, I’ve never come across a woman who spitefully referenced potential game tactics I may use on her as diligently and interrogatively as this girl did. This means one of three possibilities: 1. your friend is not calibrated properly and comes on too hard as an oily player, 2. this girl is a thermonuclear feminist cunt who lives for those rare moments she can pretend she’s “calling out” a player and striking a blow for the sisterhood, or 3. she’s a slut who’s been burned in the past by a succession of players and has refined antennae that will pick up the faintest player perturbations.

Your friend understood the concept of “agree & amplify”, but he lost ground in the execution. One, his replies did sound somewhat canned. I think some of those lines have been around for a decade. In NYC, there’s a chance that more than a trivial number of girls have actually heard the same lines from other men on the make. This doesn’t invalidate the idea of A&A, but it does confirm the wisdom of knowing your mark.

Two, in the application of A&A, he violated a core CH Poon Commandment V: the golden ratio. The CH principles take precedence over the particular game tactics that animate those principles. This means that a game tactic will fail if it veers too far from its founding principle. In this case, your friend sent verbose texts that sub-communicated his lower value and his chaser role, especially set side by side with the relatively terse replies the girl sent him.

Agree and amplify is a fantastic game technique, but like all techniques its delivery should be stylistically massaged to suit the degree of defensiveness of your female target. As an example of what I’m talking about, let’s revisit that first reply she sent to your friend.

Her: “Are you peacocking? And will you kino me? Maybe neg me, too. Because that’s what you usually do right?”

You: “Peacocking sounds like a perverted sex move. Slow it down Samantha.”

See what I’ve done here? I internally identified my target as a loser “sex and the city” NYC bitch with something to prove, so I pull out a harsh reply that would stall her offensive charge. I avoid any “game” talk because that is not really breaking out of her frame; I figure that mentioning game, even re-contextualized, will risk emboldening her attack. Then I not so subtly imply her attitude is sex-drenched and that is the real cause of her defensiveness. This should relax her as the burden is now on her to prove I’m a player instead of a fantasy figure from her overactive imagination.

I smell the telltale stink of the troll in this letter, but I let it go for educational purposes. Most of you men throwing yourselves into the field will not meet women like this one, so don’t worry about it. I’ve met, if my calculations are correct, approximately four women total who made some sort of direct, needling reference to game tactics. All four’s objections were quickly overcome.

However, the world is a big place, and there are bitches out there who will play this kind of “gotcha” game with men, so it helps to have a few retaliatory weapons of mass seduction at your disposal.

PS Drop the “wink if u hear meh!!” crap. It’s girly.

PPS Of the options you gave us, (A) was actually the worst of the bunch. I would have gone with (D) from the first round and neither from the second round. Speaking of which,

Her: “You can’t communicate with girls without memorizing scripts can you”

You: “I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

Cheekiness is next to tingliness.