The title of this post is deliberately provocative. I want to force some of you “men’s men” to think outside the stoicism über alles box. I know you’re thinking, “Get out of here with this poverty game!”, but read on.
Children’s playground taunts may sound silly to the corporate-groomed adult, but as anyone who’s used them to tease women into a state of flirtatious excitement will tell you, they are effective weapons of vag seduction. Young boys are natural alphas until it’s beaten out of them (sometimes literally) or until puberty makes them forget how ably they tormented little girls into gleeful hysteria.
Naturally, as a grown man, you wince thinking about what it feels like to flirt with a woman with the aid of turns of phrase that you’d hear ricocheting from a jungle gym. But once you witness the reactions of curiosity and engagement you get, you’ll put aside your doubts. Because you’ll soon realize that children’s phrases are perfect adult vehicles to communicate the alpha attitude that women love so much.
Some modification of the delivery is all that’s required to make back-sass work for the adult you. You aren’t a high-pitched little kid blessedly innocent of ironic posturing, so your delivery will necessarily be more wry, more self-aware, and more monotonic. The following is a CH-approved list of kids’ phrases that you should add to your attraction stimulation arsenal.
smell ya later
SIKE!
blah blah blah…… NOT.
what? [repeat to taste]
to the max
as if
ooh, i’m telling!
burn!
your mom. [i like to insert this in random parts of the conversation]
i know you are but what am i
right, and then you woke up
did your parents have any normal kids?
guess who’s not wearing any underwear
in your FACE [long version: up high, down low, in space, in your face]
take a picture it’ll last longer
fatty fatty two by four [only use on obviously skinny chicks]
so funny i forgot to laugh
say it don’t spray it
hay is for horses [use when girl yells “hey!” to you]
haha, you’re on the welfaaaaare. [if girl complains about money]
what’s that on your shirt? *snap your finger under her chin or nose*
made you look!
i see london, i see france…
nice face
that’s not what your mom said last night
[motion her over with your finger] do you always come when a man fingers you?
Y R U gay [sung to tune of YMCA]
raise your hand for a high five, then when she lifts her hand you quickly drop yours and say “who’s gay”
up high, flip side, other side, down low, too slow!
i know karate [assume bruce lee stance]
*cough* princess! *cough*
get away from me with your cooties
go on with your dorky self
somebody call the whaambulance
you wish
*fingers in ears* i can’t heeear you
make “whatever” W with fingers
make “loser” L on forehead with fingers
princess says what?
Readers are welcome to add to this list in the comments.
PS Here’s the wikiHow article describing how to playfully tease girls.