200+ comments from readers eager to take on the latest “Test of Your Game” challenge, and it is yer ‘umble shiv-sharpener’s duly considered opinion that many excellent responses (and some awful ones, for flavor) were offered up for Chateau judgement.
Recall the parameters:
Need game advice. Buying condoms. Cashier is very cute hard 8. Buying only condoms because I have a sex life and do, in fact, need them. But could always use more plates. I’m 40; she’s 26.
What is my funny opener to the sales clerk ringing up my condoms?
Store is nearly empty. Would be easy to chat her up. Ask her to come help me try them out? Just say “come get coffee with me on your break”? Also I live 3 minutes from here. She’d get the benefit of three orgasms if she’s lucky enough to come with me to my pad.
Box o’ condoms. Cute, younger cashier. Near-vacant store. Favorable logistics. What do you do?
da GBFM lzzzzzzzzlzlz™ takes a whack at it.
DA GBFM: does u have two dozen extra magnum magna cum ladue XXXL condomsz? and a phone numberz?
Direct, confident, funny… and unlikely to succeed. But it will provide great entertainment for anyone who happens to be waiting next in line at the register.
condom rating: 3 out of 5 standard issue trojans.
ALWAYS make a pickup/number attempt. “Here, put your number in my iPhag.” Then test it to make sure that she didn’t give you a fake number.
If you actually say the word “iPhag”, your game is Winning.
condom rating: 3 out of 5 ribbed for her pleasure.
cukn fapn goes for the funny bone,
“Excuse me, where’s the fitting room?”
There’s a good chance she’ll laugh, and if she’s laughing, her vagina is presenting.
condom rating: 4 out of 5 pig bladder rubbers.
Oberyn Martell, another comedian,
“If this doesn’t work out, you happen to be a sitter on the side?”
The dumber girls might not get this right away.
condom rating: 2 out of 5 red and green seasonal specials.
walawala gets risque,
“I’m just on my way to a kids party, I blow them up and make animals out of them…”
When she starts laughing say…I’m a magician I could use an assistant…
Take it from there.
This is the first serious attempt at converting the humorous opener into a pickup segue. Very good. Downside: As another commenter mentioned, associating kids with condoms could backfire.
condom rating: 5 out of 5 rosemary-scented Yankee condoms.
Jack H goes balls to the wall,
Rip the flap off the box and tell her to write her number on it.
This would take some brass ones, but there’s potential. You don’t even have to wait for an indicator of attraction from her. A routine like this would surprise and intrigue her instantly.
condom rating: 5 out of 5 warming sheaths.
Tittysac McGee remembers that sometimes the best game is the least expected game.
While sporting shit eating grin:
Do you have these in extra small?
Clownish self-deprecation can work wonders in some situations.
Condom rating: 3 out of 5 extra large.
“N” opens a line of communication to the female hindbrain,
Buy like four packs and confess that you were just released from prison.
Heh. A depressing number of girls will bite on this.
condom rating: 5 out of 5 ex-con edition condoms (XL reservoir tip)
shartiste grounds everyone reading this,
Opening with any kind of joke or reference to the condoms might sound funny in an internet comment section but comes off as a bit try hard and corny IRL.
Just game as usual and let the condoms give some built in sexual tension.
This is the sensible approach suited for the average beta male. Running regular game against an unspoken backdrop of a box of condoms is not only funny, it’s tension-building.
condom rating: 3 out of 5 two-ply baby-stoppers.
Benny Profane, living up to his name,
Put condoms on counter. Maintain direct eye contact while taking a dump on floor.
I laughed. She won’t.
condom rating: 0 out of 5 rubbers with poked holes.
Who says you need to speak? asylum writes,
Say nothing and smile with your best James Bond smirk.
Laconic = winner
I presume you shop there often, so you’ll see her again, and she will remember you.
Just don’t break that smirk or that eye contact prematurely in a fit of giggles, or the jig is up.
condom rating: 4 out of 5 silent sausage sheaths.
Fredrik, on subliminal seduction,
Ask hows her evening is and make small talk while buying the condoms, then after the condoms are purchased while holding the condoms in your hand ask her if shes free tonight? and tell her that she seems like a cool person.Make eye contact all the time and tap the condom packet like a slow beat into the palm of your other hand while asking.
Note: No need for jokes here, simply ask her out with the condoms in hand. Thats more than funny enough, but you have to have very high self esteem to pull it off in the correct charming way. You have to send of the signal that you are serious, but at the same time you obviously have great humour and confidence. I like my comment so much I might in fact go and try this out for myself.
If you have the acting class chops to pull this off, I could easily see the girl slowly grinning and asking what your deal is. Then the road is wide open.
condom rating: 5 out of 5 nuclear tipped pocket rocket protectors.