Dr. Root, Sex Therapist, Takes Your Questions

Chateau Heartiste is proud to host, with our co-sponsor NPR, an interview with famed sex therapist, Dr. Root. Full audio of the interview can be found here.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Thanks for joining us. I’m Caitlynnneee Jenner. Dr. Root collects turtles. He says it’s because they stick their necks out a lot the way his erection grows. It’s an attitude that’s worked well for him. Dr. Root joins us from the opium den of Chateau Heartiste in [REDACTED].

Dr. Root:

Next time you’re in New York, I want to have coffee with you.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Are you hitting on me, Dr. Root?

Dr. Root:

Yes, but only to get closer to your slutty coalburner step-daughters.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Oh haha… you! Dr. Root. His brand new book is titled “The Doctor Is In: Dr. Root On Love, Life, And Squirting Orgasms.” I want to know how you got to the United States and then went to work for Planned Parenthood.

Dr. Root:

I used to hit on girls in the Planned Parenthood waiting room.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Really! Why would you do such a thing?

Dr. Root:

Because vulnerable girls are more open sexually. Open to my sexual healing. It’s like unmarried bridesmaids at weddings and the grief-stricken at funerals. You’ve got to get them while they’re in a terrible emotional state, ready for anyone to come take their minds off the bad feels.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Let’s get to our listener questions. Here is an email for you, Dr. Root. And this could literally take hours to answer. She says, “How do you keep love alive?”

Dr. Root:

Don’t get fat.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Excuse me?

Dr. Root:

Yes, don’t get fat. And give your man plenty of blowjobs. That is the best way to keep his love alive. Just don’t expect much after two years or so, because men have a natural instinct to love many women.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Ooookayyy… We have an email here — no, a posting on Facebook — you see how things are changing — says, “Does it bother Dr. Root that there is so much hyper-sexualized dialog and innuendo on prime time television?”

Dr. Root:

The gay propaganda is over the top. And by that I don’t mean two gays kissing. I mean, two gays having a normal, healthy, monogamous relationship without weekly trips to the glory hole, followed by visits to the clinic for suturing anal fissures. When does that happen in real life?

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Oh my my. Isn’t that homophobic?

Dr. Root:

Nocturnal emissions.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Come again?

Dr. Root:

Exactly. By the way, isn’t it funny when I say nocturnal emissions with my accent? I’ll tell you something else, Bruce… er, Caitlynnneee… if we have time.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Surely.

Dr. Root:

I am very worried about college campuses saying that a woman and a man or two men or two women, but I talk right now about woman and man, can be in bed together, Caity, and at one time, naked, and at one time, he or she — most of the time they think she can say, I changed my mind. No such thing is possible. In the Talmud, in the Jewish tradition, it says when that part of the male anatomy is aroused, when there is an erection, the brain flies out of the head. And we have to take that very seriously.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Are you?…. are you suggesting… that women take personal responsibility for their actions? Dr. Root, that is beyond the pale.

Dr. Root:

But within the Pale of Settlement!

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Ok, moving on from college campuses, here’s a question about, perhaps, somewhat younger children from Lindsey Gayham in San Francisco, CA. Lindsey, you’re on the air.

Lindsey Gayham:

Hi. I saw Dr. Root years and years ago on a talk show and he said something I’ve never forgotten. I believe someone on the show had a question about a child sort of bouncing on one’s knee and becoming perhaps a bit too excited, but Dr. Root said the comment that we have to make genitals feel good. And in listening to his earlier comments, I’m thinking, I would like to ask him, do you ever see a day in which children will be more openly recognized as sexual human beings from birth? And what can we, as a society, do to sort of enable them or give them their own sexual rights or emancipation in a positive way?

{editorial break: I swear I am not making this up}

Dr. Root:

I want to tell you something. I’m old fashioned and a square. Children can feel sexual, there’s no question. Boys can have erections as babies, when they’re touched or when their diapers are being changed. Girls, when they’re touched, their clitoris can be aroused. Of course, it’s an autonomic response, devoid of anything resembling adult desire, so I’m afraid pedophiles like yourself will have a hard time rationalizing your urges to grope small children, but I suppose you can try. It’s 2015, anything is possible! Like gay marriage!

Dr. Root:

And it’s a good question, but I am, all of these years, have been rather old fashioned and a square. I tell parents careful not to walk around naked with buttplugs up your ass when there are teenagers in your home. Because the father, especially a biologically unrelated stepfather that the children’s whore slut single mom roped into a second marriage, could feel some kind of erector, some kind of feeling, and get a bottle of lube. How come he gets aroused when he sees his stepdaughter naked? Is it her pert tits, her firm round ass, her luscious lips and smooth skin? I’m not saying when somebody walks in, somebody takes a shower to make a big to do. But I believe in our culture, to make it separate and to be very careful, because that sexual drive, the sexual desire is a strong one. Leave the open air boobies hanging out to those tribes in National Geographic.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Dr. Root, I want to go back to what you were talking about before the break. That is, young people on college campuses and the concern about at what moment, being in an aroused situation, and then hearing the young woman saying no. What you’re saying is it’s already gone too far.

Dr. Root:

Women have their own language for arousal. Yes means yes. no means maybe, and maybe means yes, but after a few empty promises first. If a woman gets so drunk she can’t consent, she should think about not drinking so much if she wants to avoid morning-after regret. And don’t forget, Caitlynnneee, a drunk man can’t know if she’s given him her consent. So really, we should get the long arm of the law out of the bedrooms of horny college students with more hormones than wisdom.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

This advice isn’t going to sit well with campus feminists.

Dr. Root:

The only thing that sits well with campus feminists is a double-stuffed burrito. Have you seen them lately? Fat and so ugly! And with the purple hair! Really, between me and you and the rest of America, most of these rape hysterics are the fantasies of lonely women pretending they have to beat the men off with a stick.

Dr. Root:

And unintended pregnancies and that they cannot say at one time, at the height of arousal, just when he’s very aroused, strong erection, when she’s very aroused, either he or she cannot change their mind. I know it’s controversial, but I have to stand up and believe for what I believe in. I know it has something to do with Title 9, with money that goes to universities. I’m very worried about that. And people like you and me, who have this power, especially you right now on NPR, of the airwaves, do have to talk about that.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Indeed. I think that there is a great deal to what you say. This is my way of deflecting that NPR shitlibs like myself will never talk about that. Here’s an email Dr. Root, from John Scalzi in.. well how about that another one from San Francisco. He says, what are your thoughts on the transgender phenomenon and how cultures are or are not accepting transgender individuals? How do you see this evolving over time?

Dr. Root:

I have never been ashamed or worried by saying people who want to change their sex are mentally sick and emotionally combustible. It’s a good idea to refrain from encouraging their sickness.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

All right. Let’s go to… a bus depot rest room in San Francisco? Alex Pareene, you’re on the air.

Alex Pareene:

I’m a single guy. I have these internet dating apps and so on and so forth. And it seems like it’s given single people the attention span of goldfish. And I don’t know what you know about it, but I was just wondering what do you think the long term effects of these dating sites, like Tinder or Plenty of Fish or any of that. What do you think that has, you know, what the future holds for that?

Dr. Root:

Easy, atomized sex. Hard relationships. Fertility crashes. Civilization implosion. But be careful, use protection. As long as you do that, no problem.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Here’s an email that says, “my wife and I are in a difficult place. We love each other. She says she’s attracted to me, but has no interest in being amorous with me, because she does not feel emotionally connected. I feel that being amorous with each other is one way to help rebuild the emotional connection. But I don’t want to press the issue for fear of driving her away even further. Do you have any thoughts on how we can bridge this gap?”

Dr. Root:

Yes, you are a beta male. You have to be less of a beta male and more of an alpha male. Your wife isn’t doing this intentionally. Her arousal isn’t something she can control. It has to be stimulated. Oh yes, I know I’m a sex therapist, but “talking it out” is absolutely the worst thing you can do. It will dry her pussy right up, like a slug under a salt shaker. Be more demanding, be less kind and generous, be cocky and confident, tease her, make fun of her, leave for indeterminate spells, and flirt with other women in her presence. Then your wife will come around to loving you again.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Mother of god…

Dr. Root:

No, I am the father of god.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

On the other hand, if she says I don’t want to see a therapist, he should go by himself, shouldn’t he?

Dr. Root:

If he’s a mangina of small testicle, yes. Or, if the therapist is a sexy woman and he wants to boff her, then he should go see her.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

All right, and here is a posting on Facebook. What about the phenomenon of the “Fifty Shades of Gray” franchise? Where is the line between healthy and unhealthy in role playing and fantasy like the against my will fantasy, that’s actually consensual? On the other hand, we are hyper-vigilant about criminal rape on campus and elsewhere. And on the other, we supposedly agree that power exchange role playing is a normal and exciting thing in sexuality.

Dr. Root:

Torture-rape porn for women.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Women like this?

Dr. Root:

Women get aroused by the thought of submitting to a powerful, dominant man. Women are sexually charged by their vulnerability and submission, but only to a man worthy of taking it from them.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Why the S&M aspect?

Dr. Root:

Arousal amplification.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

This is all so… refreshing. Exciting. For me to hear. MmmmMMmmmm….

Dr. Root:

Ta Nahisi Coates! Safety word! Ta Nahisi Coates!

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Sorry. Ok, where were we. Let’s go now to Witch’s Coven, Massachusetts. Amanda Marcotte, you’re on the air.

Amanda Marcotte:

Hi. Yes, I wanted to first thank Dr. Root, because as I was coming of age, she was on a lot of the talk shows and in the news a lot, and gave me a different perspective on being able to explore and to ask questions about and not feel ashamed about questioning different things. But also, I wondered what her opinion was on the, especially with millennials, but with each successive generation, the disconnect from intimate acts and emotional bonds. That there’s quite a bit of not just one night stands, but one event relationships.

Dr. Root:

So I’m old fashioned and a square. I  don’t want to see more sexually transmitted diseases, if it’s different partners. Use protection! And shave your manjaw.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

You tell everyone to use protection. Is there more to sex therapy than that?

Dr. Root:

There is, but not for the close-minded NPR audience.

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

I am old fashioned and a square, as well. Let’s go, finally, to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. FrankNBeans, you’re on the air. Quickly, please.

FrankNBeans:

I have a question for you. I know you met Howard Stern recently. Maybe a year or two ago, and, you know, he is certainly kind of a force out there in the media world. But you know, by talking about sexuality and his small penis, to be specific, do you think he’s doing a good thing for the world of sexuality and men, in particular?

Dr. Root:

Bababooey? Ok, truthfully, Howard may have a small penis, but it doesn’t hurt him with the ladies. Last time I was on his show, he wanted to talk about something I didn’t want to talk about. My prehensile penis. He is very jealous of it. It’s a medical wonder, my penis. I can hit the G spot and cervical aperture with the same thrust!

Mz Caitlynnneee Jenner:

Wow just wow. That’s it folks. Lots of love and thanks for listening. I’m going to my John Stewart hurt locker to masturbate furiously under a poster of his vapid smirk.