When A Past Lover Finds You Again

If you’ve left a trail of tearful lovers in your woke wake, you’ll likely get a surprise reconnect from at least one of them weeks, months, or even years later. The odds of this happening go up with the number of past lovers, of course, as well as the permanency of your contact information. Depending on your goals, there’s a personally advantageous way to handle the long-lost lover shout-out that smooths a straight road to a bedroom reprisal, (should she have maintained her girlish figure).

In most cases, the past*, former**, or (less commonly) the ex-girlfriend*** will reintroduce herself with a sweetly inquisitive “Do you remember me?”. (The bitchier women will start off saying “Hey, it’s Jemima…wat up!”)

I have discovered through extensive in-field research that the best reply is the coy reply. The goal when dealing with the reentry of old lovers is to straddle the line between Distantly Aloof and Creepy Photographic Memory. You don’t want to sound like you’ve totally obliterated her from your memory, nor do you want to come across as a man who longingly relives his time with her in between crybaby sessions.

So, my line:

“I remember all my lovers.”

A juicy bit of pith that subliminally communicates two desirable, if superficially contradictory, man-shaped traits: passion, and romantic options.

Where you go from there is wide open. You could tease her and deliberately call her by another girl’s name. You could segue anhedonically to an arid topic of your choice, defying her immediate expectations of YUGE SWOONAGE. Or you could politely ask why she ever thought you would not remember her, if her kitty is already halfway to your latching post.

If your ex is a not particularly nice person, you even have a plausible face-save follow-up line: “I didn’t say fondly remember.”

Good luck out there! MAGA! (make american girls archtheirbacks)

*past = she left because of uncontrollable circumstances
**former = she left on good terms
***ex = she left on bad terms