Body Language Analysis

Submitted for your judgment: A photo of four — two women, two men — preserved in a ripely evocative group pose begging for a body language analysis.

We’ll start with the men.

USA Hat: strong posture, shit-kicking boots, no toothy smile, no hoverhand (his hidden hand might even be snugly nestled in the small of the woman’s back), contrapposto standing pose (this is the iconic alpha male pose when standing in place), the fist is a little try-hard and cheesy but it works as an accessory to his general aura. Most telling: he has no discomfort pressing his body and her body together for the camera. A subatomic particle couldn’t wedge itself between those two. Bonus body language cue: there’s a subtle, yet jam-packed with sexual polarity, power dynamic in evidence: she’s practically motor-boating his pecs. VERDICT: ALPHA MALE

Paramilitary Peacocker: feet pointing straight ahead and nearly heel to heel in a casual setting indicates some discomfort with his surroundings, arms clasped tightly behind back add to the overall impression of closed body language indicating that this man is uneasy in this free-wheeling social environment and doesn’t want his body intruding in the physical or sociosexual senses. The un-toothed smirk is a plus as is the Eastwoodian squint, but the facial confidence is betrayed by his body leaning into the group. If you’re worried about getting cropped from a photo, don’t lean in; just position yourself closer to the center of the pack, even if it means physical closeness that stresses you out. VERDICT: RECENTLY WOKE AND WILLING TO LEARN BETA MALE

Now the women:

Blondie: Easy natural smile, relaxed posture. She’s executing a three-quarter turn which means she’s not too solipsistic for a woman (the self-absorbed women tend to stop whatever they’re doing and turn to pose conspicuously and dramatically for the camera), the three-quarter turn with one knee bent also reveals an underlying feminine warmth that I bet translates to a preference for bedroom intimacy…and note to whom her bent knee is pointing (USA! USA!). This broad looks like a lot of fun at a party, the type of girl who’d scamper around making everyone feel at home. VERDICT: ALPHA FEMALE BASED ON LOOKS ALONE

High Contrast Ravenette: Her smile is a mystery novel, evoking at once consternation, callousness, mischief, and a volcanic smoldering sexuality. Her MAGAma is about to blow. All she needs is to find that man with enough T in the tank to scale her summit, peer over her precipice, and with a cocksure grin coax a mighty eruption from the abyss that is her tightly wound womanly soul. And from the body language assessment I have provided so far, that man won’t be Paramilitary Peacocker. Bonus body language clue: look closely and you’ll see she’s matching USA Hat’s contrapposto pose. Mmmmhmmmm, awww yeeeeahhh. VERDICT: ALPHA FEMALE BASED ON LOOKS ALONE

PS Big ups to both women for keeping their hair long and their tats, if they have them, away from their necks and faces. It’s almost too much to ask of women nowadays, ain’t it?

PPS Ladies, ladies, don’t knit your delicate brows. You should feel honored to place among the women who have served as CH muses. Seriously.