Archive for the ‘Beta Of The Year Contest’ Category

This extremely tardy Beta of the Month edition has been building up like a Nofap’s scrote after a year away from the pornovision, and you can bet the release will be, in a word, explosive.

A clarification for new readers, or for old readers with reading comprehension issues: The beta male is not an omega male (and vice versa), though given that male SMV resides on a continuous gradient there can be overlap at times when a lesser beta sinks to the level an omega or a greater omega briefly rises above his station to live in relative glory as a beta.

Generally, beta males can get a woman (if not a quality one or on a reasonable timeline), whereas omega males can’t get women who aren’t fugs, and often spend years as incels. The beta males showcased in Beta of the Month range in behavior from extreme examples of their genre to typical representatives who’ve had the bad judgment or inexperience to get caught in the web of female manipulations without knowing how to extricate themselves.

The ideal BOTM candidate is a beta male who has shamed himself by his actions, whether out of ignorance or misplaced belief in his pickup prowess, with women he likes. He is not a complete loser like the omega male; the beta’s failures with women stem from his self-defeating behaviors. He is fixable, to an extent, which makes his appearance in the Beta of the Month series all the more shameful — he had alternative paths, but he chose poorly.

BOTM Candidate #1: Tithands McBeta

Ok, I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here. As best I can tell, it’s one of three possibilities.

  1. a polyamorous threesome relationship
  2. one man is getting some, the other isn’t
  3. neither man is getting any

Number 1 would be beta (two men and one woman should be understood as two gay men and one woman), but not BOTM material.

Number 2 would be beta for one man in this photo. Which one? Hard to tell, but probably White Tee guy, since it looks like he’s the one who isn’t even allowed a pity tit-grab.

Number 3 is SUPREME BETATUDE. If this is what’s going on, you have a situation in which a cute slut feels so unthreatened by the limp sexuality of two beta male buddies that she doesn’t mind their hands shielding her tits from the camera. She selfies, they self-service.


BOTM Candidate #2: The Prototypical Pussy Pedestaler

Right off, any man who unironically says the words “my future queen” outs himself as a fap fancier, and possibly a closeted homo. But where PPP really spotlights his cringing beta supplication is his stated devotion to utterly subsuming his needs, even his personhood, to whichever girl happens to give him a boner at some unspecified time in the (far) future.

“My life will not effect [sic] your goals & dreams…” Of course it won’t, PPP, because you are a debased shell entity; an un-man. No woman would sacrifice a thing for you because you aren’t a man worth sacrificing for. And here’s a clue to betas like PPP: women WANT a man worth their sacrifice. They don’t want a yes-eunuch.

Executioner’s summary: less jabbering it out, more jamming it in.


BOTM Candidate #3: Brilliant, handsome, celibate

At least he’s not hoverhanding. Everything else about this stagecraft stinks to high hell, though.

When women lay it on thick, assume their insincerity. (When a cute woman is truly impressed by a man, she’ll praise him in oblique ways that preserve her female self-regard.) “Brilliant handsome bachelor” is the sort of lavish flattery a woman will say about a lovelorn beta male orbiter to try and make him feel better about himself (while of course keeping his penis at a safe distance).

The biggest offense in this photo is the guy’s cheek nuzzle, the international symbol of cloying incel oneitis. Because that’s EXACTLY the sort of thing that “best friends since 2006” do with women when they have no underlying sexual tension tugging uncomfortably at their pants. /sarcasm


BOTM Candidate #4: Cuckery is Souldeath

A reader sent this to me a while ago, and a part of me wanted to believe it’s a parody. But, apparently, it’s not. Yes, the world really is large enough to contain beta males so excruciatingly effete of character and sterile of sexuality like George Venter, the White ür-cück whose White wife birthed black twins that Mr. Venter has rationalized as “God’s blessing”.

There’s only one reason why George refused paternity tests; he knows deep inside his rotten betacuck soul that his wife got nasty with one of God’s primordial blessings, and he doesn’t want the bleedingly obvious truth to upset his cultivated self-delusion. For if George was denied his self-delusion, it would mean he had reason to leave his cheating wife, and given that George is a beta male it’s a good bet he’s less afraid to lose her than he is to have to find a new woman as a single unmarried man.

Beta males live in constant gnawing fear of being alone forever, unable to “strike gold” twice in the same lifetime. This is why their lovers and wives walk all over them. The beta male has forgotten rule number one of female nature: no woman wants to be a man’s only option, or his salvation.


BOTM Candidate #5: Beta Billboard

Interestingly, this is one of the rare Gray Pill BOTMs. If you squint and the light hits just the right way, you can make a plausible case that this guy isn’t very beta. First, his gf is hot. Most betas can’t land genuine hotties. Second, he has nonbetaface.png. His physiognomy suggests an alpha male attitude underneath the awful t-shirt billboard. Third, the quote on his shirt — “If you are reading this, you are too close. I have a girlfriend” — is obviously aimed at other women. The message not-so-subtly implies that he has women hitting on him all the time and the t-shirt is necessary to keep the hens pecking elsewhere.

But, despite those three countering facts, I have decided that the t-shirt itself — and the obeisance required of him to sport it in any manner other than as a private joke (not the case here since it’s been broadcast on the social mediums) — is unquestionably beta. Furthermore, the betaness of the shirt is amplified by one other implied message that in my opinion blares louder than the favorable competing message of his irresistibility to women — namely, that this dude feels it necessary to tell the world he has a girlfriend.

That’s the sort of try-hard crowing about nothing particularly amazing that beta males do all the time. The beta thinks it’s some huge accomplishment to land a girlfriend; so huge, that he’s impelled by a nascent ejaculation of testicular pride to shout it from the rooftops every chance he gets.

“Hey, man, did you catch the game?”

BETA: “No, but MY GIRLFRIEND did.”

“How about this weather!”


“You going to the party?”


“Did you vote for Trump?”

BETA: “No, because MY GIRLFRIEND would leave me if I did.”

“Who’s that girl over there kissing that black guy?”

BETA: “Why, she’s MY GIRLFRIEND. Did I mention she’s MY GIRLFRIEND? Yes, it is, and…um….dammit.”


The voting:

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Do we have a blockbuster BOTM contest for you readers today! Buckle up, buttplug out, kebab removed, you’re about to have the honor and the privilege to Detox the BOTM Buttox.

BOTM Candidate #1: Geld One and Geld Two

First, take a gander at this hot mess and then guess the backstory.

Avowed polyamorists are almost universally VLSMV (Very Low Sexual Market Value). This is especially true of polyandrous arrangements. The male facsimilies who volunteer to be shared by one (ugly) woman are so wretchedly unlovable that only the mentally diseased leftoid webzine Salon can identify with their cause.

Everyone wants to know how my polyamorous family works. You’d be surprised how normal we really are.

She got that right. Everyone seeing these circus freaks would be surprised if they exhibited characteristics that were faintly humanoid.

One of the biggest hurdles in non-monogamy — probably the hurdle — is jealousy. My husband was an incredibly jealous person back then, but he began to question its usefulness and purpose.

Was this questioning before or after the chemical castration?

Jealousy is born from a fear of losing a partner; if you believe that love and intimacy can be shared, and are not diminished by sharing, then that fear loses a lot of its power.

No, male jealous is born from a fear of cuckoldry. This is classic projection of the female sexual and emotional world onto men.

I often talk to her about the fact that society frowns on families like ours, and whenever I mention the claims that polyamory is bad for children, she rolls her eyes and says, “Oh no, kids having more people to love them! How horrible!”


My boyfriend and I are planning a (non-legal) wedding ceremony next summer, and would likely legally marry if we could. But it’s painful to know that many people in our lives will never take our relationship completely seriously, or see it as entirely real.

Of course it’s painful to her. That’s her mind-body axis telling her what she’s doing is depraved and… problematic… to her social fitness.

When my daughter talks about same-sex marriage or polyamorous relationships, she always looks perplexed and says, “I don’t understand why anyone is angry about people being in love and not hurting anyone.”

The battle cry of the Millennial misfit.

Maxim #109: Consensual polyamory is a contrived hookup service for undesirable sexual market rejects.


BOTM Candidate #2: Love Chair Troll

You know what’s unforgivably beta? Sticking around in the same place to witness your dignity getting shredded. Why didn’t this droopy dog just stand up and leave?


BOTM Candidate #3: Pink Letter Pussboy

Forwarded with an explanation from reader Shitlord_2000:

My girlfriend who is 27 and a HB8, was at the gym doing some cardio on one of the hamster wheel machines they have a plethora of at her gym that basic bitches seem to love, when some young ‘kid’ (her words, not mine) comes into her periphery and puts the following in her hand.


“text me if you want”

Cowards write sappy letters to their muses. Sacked-up men approach and say “Hi”. It’s the difference between seeing the world from under a pussy pedestal, and seeing it side-by-side with a woman down on earthly ground.

Don’t pretend you’re a swooning romantic to allay the suspicion you’re really just a huge pussy. BUSTAMOVE. (Charitably, since this “kid” might be young and inexperienced, it’s worth cutting him some slack. But not too much slack… that way lies John Scalzification.)


BOTM Candidate #4: Tats For Nothing

Courtesy of reader Tom:

I met a female tattoo artist from Toronto in London doing daygame, 24 with huge boobs and quickly ticked all of the boxes for a same day lay. I ended up spending about 7 hours with her and though I didn’t actually get laid she did leave my flat with my cum in her mouth.

So far, so alpha, the beta bit is a story she told me about her exploits on Tinder.

She matched some guy on Tinder who sent her a message saying “If you could tattoo anything on me what would you do?” Her response was “A transsexual Jesus nailed to a cross with my name and surrounded by buttplug ivy”

HE ACTUALLY WENT THROUGH WITH IT AND GOT THE TATTOO! As, I assume, a strategy to get laid.

However it didn’t even work, in her words “He hit the roof when I declined a 2nd date”

First date, hours of needle in the back getting a tranny jesus tattoo. 2nd date, declined.

I actually have a photo of the tattoo, it’s his entire back and he didn’t get so much as a hand job.

I wish I had that photo to post here, but Tom either didn’t send it or I lost it in the shuffle.

Maxim #45: Don’t appease before she’s had your peen.

Corollary to Maxim #45: Better yet, don’t appease. Ever.


And finally…. (this one needs a build-up)…(ps it’s NSFW)…(trust me)…

BOTM Candidate #5: The Palace Eunuch Pube Groomer











The skinnyfat middle and punchable shitlib face echo indicate that this is a DEFCUCK 1,000 beta male grooming apprentice. I.e., the realio dealio, and not a sexually satisfied boyfriend doing his chick a short n curly solid.

But even if he were a legit boyfriend, or alternately a gay slumber party buddy, this act of defiance against all norms of masculinity would qualify him as a worthy BOTM contender. If, as I suspect, he’s worse than that — a beta male orbiter so sexually invisible and inoffensive that this woman feels comfortable propping him mere inches from her vagina to pluck some ingrown pubes — then by my reckoning he has to go down as one of the all-time “greatest” beta losers, veering dangerously close to omega male territory. (What stops him from going all the way is that omega males don’t even get to see pussy this close up.)

The voting:

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A laudable goal of the regular BOTM feature at CH is to make the readers as excruciatingly uncomfortable as possible, so that they never make the same mistakes the dishonored betas of the month make.

I think this edition will have you peeking through fingers in horror.

BOTM Candidate #1 is Hugboy, a psychologically castrated beta male orbiter with a superhuman ability to withstand blue balls, who decided on a lark, along with his “best friend” and hug accomplice Amanda (the two of them weirdly share a very similar surname), to try and break the world record for longest hug.

Nerem said she and Norem held onto one another outside ISU’s library starting at 6 p.m. on Sept. 18 until 1 a.m. on Sept. 20. — a total of 31 hours.

That’s a 31 hour erection he sustained.

“We had to have both arms locked around one another and we had to be standing the whole time,” Nerem said. “We were not allowed to sleep and it had to be in a public place where people would be walking around being witnesses.”

There’s nothing quite as exhilarating as publicly demonstrating one’s commitment to the asexual friendzone like pressing flesh for 31 hours and having to think of baseball stats the whole time.

Nerem and Norem were allowed five-minute masturbation bathroom breaks every hour

His bathroom breaks probably broke the world record for consecutive jizzings in a single day. Her bathroom breaks were just massive releases of fart gas.

“I don’t know a lot of people who can hold onto someone for so long without getting sick of it,” Alex Norem said. “I think the whole experience brought us a lot closer…

The triumph of hope over experience. No doubt this harmless house pet fervently imagines that all the hugging will somehow magically transform, through the process of subcutaneous lust osmosis, his “best friend” into a lover.

“…it was such a positive experience for both of us. In your four years of college you want to do things that you’ll remember for the rest of your life and for her and I, this was perfect for that.”

I bet he’ll remember this for the rest of his life. *retrieves memory bank and reaches for Costco jar of mayo*

Nerem said she and Norem are in the process of sending evidence of their hug to Guinness for evaluation.

His spackled jeans.


BOTM Candidate #2 is JohnnyTampon, an older man (who should know better) who ticks off just about every box on the self-abnegating beta male checklist. Here he is with his BFF announcing to the world his status as house eunuch to a single mom.

There isn’t a moment in this “clear the air” video when Ash isn’t publicly humiliating JohnnyTampon, even if her soulshivs are unintentional swipes. For example:

JT: “It was love at first sight.”

Ash: “We don’t always see things the same way.” *patronizing smile*

Or this:

JT: “but we are not lovers”

Ash: “NOPE” *vigorously and unequivocally shakes head*

At some point in their twisted unnatural relationship, Ash gets pregnant (probably by some sexy jerkboy) and, surprise!, joins the single mommery ranks. Anyhow, JohnnyTampon makes a vow. Grab your barf bag…

JT: “To help her raise a happy healthy child.”

mein gott.

Ash, of course, is a woman, which means she obeys the God of Biomechanics just like any woman in her position, and that ol’ trusted hindbrain standby — beta bux — asserts itself in her moment of single mom crisis.

Ash: “That’s what best friends do!”, she exclaimed with a little too much insistence.

No, Ash, that’s not what “best friends” do; that’s what cowardly, groveling, supplicating, self-doubting, sycophantic beta plushboys with no better options and a high speed porn connection do.

Ash: “This is my son Ahijah”

“Ahijah”. 😆 😆 😆

JT: “I am not his father”

A new twist on the Darth Vader theme.

JT then explains that he has a 32-year-old adopted daughter, and he invited Ashley the single mom leech to live in his home where he raised his daughter so that he could… what, exactly? Mope around the house with a permanent chubby while Ash flaunted her Khazar milkers in his betaboy loser face?

JT&Ash: “We are a family… of friends!”

There it is. The epitaph of America.

JT: “and ahijah will always be in my life”

Ash: “We are a package deal ❤️”

…she triumphantly crowed. And, oh, ahijah really loves johnny too, ash swears, (because she wouldn’t want johnny thinking he could skip out on his friendzoned fatherly duties one day if he ever sees the light and makes the mistake of acting in his own interest).

If you watch closely, you’ll notice that JohnnyTampon looks at Ash more than she looks at him, (for her part, she mostly looks at the camera… raging attention whore alert). I can’t decide if the most nauseating part of the video is the strained closing credits hug (all that’s missing are three pats on the back!), or the baby bouncing on dear old nonbiological dad’s lap while he tries to coax a high five out of it.

JohnnyTampon: LITERAL house eunuch.


BOTM Candidate #3 is DownLowRobbie, a beta bordering on omega male who redefines for the feminist Millennial generation what it means for a purported man to date in one’s league.

Down syndrome model Madeline Stuart shares romantic snaps with her boyfriend after triumph at New York Fashion week – as she returns to the Australian catwalk.

“I love your waddle.”

Looking relaxed in a printed black-and-white dress, her signature red hair pulled in to a pony tail, a smiling Madeline leaned in for a kiss.

A clearly smitten Robbie, who just turned 20, pulled his model girlfriend in for a hug, before kissing her again on the cheek.

“his model girlfriend”

“model girlfriend”


Welcome to clown world.

We need a moment of levity. Can you spot the shitlord in this pic?

I don’t know if DownLowRobbie suffers from a mental disorder himself, but if you’re the type of man who honestly believes he can’t do better than an actual retard, then you ARE that type of man. ipso fuckno.


BOTM Candidate #4 is GreenShirtGoof, doing his level best to protect his woman from rampaging dindus an uneven tan.

This photo wouldn’t be half bad if she was sucking his cock under that shirt. But no. He’s just a tool. How long was he standing there serving as her personal mobile canopy? I bet he “manned up” until his arms burned with the sweet, self-righteous pain of chivalrous virtue.

The voting:

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We’ve got some real wieners featured in this edition of Beta of the Month.

BOTM Candidate #1: #excepthesnot anything but an emotional tampon for this chick.

This thinly-veiled sneer directed at lovable but unfuckable beta males is a mini-trend among women. It’s become a cottage industry for girls to preemptively mock-upgrade sexually malnourished male friends to “””boyfriend””” status who have gotten a little too “uppity” — i.e., romantically earnest — as a message meant to helpfully remind the beta orbiter to know his place.

It’s quite wantonly cruel in the execution, although women will never see it that way, to tantalize a niceguy with mock enactment of his lifelong hope fulfilled, and then to rip it away from him with that perfunctory “not really”.

So why is he in the BOTM running? He allows himself to be photographed, and thus used, by this girl for sadistic giggles and “proof of irresistibility”. A girl loves to let the world know how many men are chasing her, but she doesn’t want the impression to go too far and god forbid implicate her vagina in the pawings and thrustings of a sex-starved beta. That might put off any alpha males in her social vicinity. So she simultaneously advertises her coterie of eunuch flatterers while assuring available alphas that the eunuchs aren’t getting within a country mile of her vaj.


BOTM Candidate #2: eDoorMat mixes it up with a slutty cocktease, comes out of it the worse for wear.

A police dog bit a constable’s bottom as they raided the home of a spurned lover accused of using a gun to get back at his former eHarmony partner.

Evidence of the unfortunate incident emerged in the trial of Drew Francis Thompson, 28, who is accused of arming himself with a gun, hiding in his former lover’s apartment, and unlawfully confining her for three hours.

Thompson began giving evidence on Thursday afternoon, saying the woman changed when she came back from an overseas internship with the World Health Organisation.

He still wanted to be with her and met her at Dickson shops, where she spoke harshly to him.

Thompson said she called him “simple” and a “door mat”, who she had used as a dating experiment.

“She said there’d be no chance of it happening again,” he said.

We have a classic EatPraySlut “the mandingo ate my pussy” woman, toying with a desperate beta male for ego thrills. And on top of it probably lying about the break-in with a weapon that the beta is accused of committing.

The woman agreed she had offered Thompson chocolates and lollies while he was in the home, allowed him to put his hand on her hand and leg, and was concerned about being a good hostess.

Cockteases would have no power if the men they torment didn’t allow themselves to be so blatantly manipulated. But that’s the nature of the beta male, and that’s the kind of low SMV male that women who crow about their immense sexual power are notching their empty victories over.

Another link is even more revealing of the protagonist’s betatude.

When she returned from her holiday she met Thompson at Dickson shops for coffee.

There they had an argument that ended with her yelling at him.

At the time he asked if they could ever get back together.

He allegedly said: “I made the changes you did not like about me, I am very different now”.

The universal, and universally self-defeating, lament of the pussy polishing beta male: “I tried to make myself a better man for this girl!”

What the beta male never gets: women don’t want your appeasement or your sacrifices. They want to APPEASE YOU. A woman chasing a man, trying hard to win his attention, is a woman in love.

The woman today admitted she had been cruel to him and had humiliated him by laughing, when he asked if they could be together.

Still, even after that unmistakable humiliation, I bet he’ll spend countless sleepless nights searching vainly for a crumb of evidence of her secret romantic interest in him which he can spin into a wild fantasy of enduring love.


BOTM Candidate #3: ¡Jabe! Bush.

The very first autobiographic detail ¡Jabe! chooses to place at the top of his 2016 Campaign website is a paean to his oneitis for a Mexican peasant.

Meet Jeb

My life changed forever when I was a young man on an exchange program in León Guanajuato, Mexico. Across a plaza, I saw a girl. She spoke little English, and my Spanish was a work in progress. But for me, it was love at first sight.

Some people don’t think that’s a real thing—but I know. I couldn’t sleep; I couldn’t eat; I lost 20 pounds. From the moment I got to know her, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

¡Jabe! urges you to read more about him, and you do, to your great regret.

It took some convincing, but she came around, and in February 1974, we got married at the Newman Catholic Center at my alma mater, the University of Texas. In the years ahead, whether I was changing baby diapers in Caracas, Venezuela, building a business in Miami or leading a state in Tallahassee, Columba has been with me, my best friend in all of life’s challenges and joys

The leader of the free world ought to have experience changing diapers. Maybe his own, given the track record of cuckservatives.

Obviously, this is a gauche attempt to shore up the soccer mom vote, but really no woman who isn’t already in the GOP column is going to be moved by this transparent slavishness to the Fundamental Premise.

It’s one thing to have experienced oneitis — most men will have at least one memorable episode of oneitis in their lives — but it’s quite another to frame it, hang it on the internet wall, and with oddly placed pride ask 300 million Americans to know you first and foremost as the game-less beta who lost 20 pounds over a rock troll mamacita who couldn’t speak English. ¡Beta!


BOTM Candidate #4: Flavortown smells a lot like pork and smegma.

Going down on a fatty because you can’t do better isn’t enough to qualify you for inclusion in the Beta Male of the Month contest. But going down on a fatty and proudly broadcasting your lack of taste and low sexual market value to the world vaults you into the rarefied company of BOTM nominees.

Flavortown, meet Betatown. No one’s idea of a fun getaway.

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2014 is in the history books, and that means it’s time to put the travails of the past year’s most pathetic beta males on display in a cleansing ritual of public humiliation.


BOTY Candidate #1 is Jason Stanford, a real shitlib who spends two pages excusing his wife’s decision to leave him forever for a one-way ticket to Mars, and snarking at internet commenters who, rightfully, question his wife’s commitment to him and their marriage.

More to the point was “buck,” whose keen insight resulted in this trenchant observation: “Going to Mars and abandoning your husband and children forever? Brave? Hardly. Selfish? Most definitely.”

Sonia had not learned the first rule of the Internet: never read the comments. Excited to see the reaction to the story, she read, aghast, as strangers sat in anonymous judgment of our marriage. What started as a brave woman claiming her ambition had become a public hazing.

“I want you to tell me honestly,” she said, tears welling in her eyes. “Am I being a bad wife?”

Neil Armstrong probably never had to ask his wife this.

That’s because Neil Armstrong had a return trip ticket which his wife expected him to punch. Oh, that and the fact that the sexes are psychologically different, and women can’t help but admire and romantically desire adventurous, risk-taking men.

If she goes the distance, I will evolve into a professional astronaut wife, […]

I’ll be Mr. Sonia Van Meter for the rest of my life, showing up to cut the ribbon at Sonia Van Meter High School and telling her story here on Earth. I joke about endorsing products (“While my wife is exploring Mars, I’m doing the laundry with new Cosmos Detergent. It’s out of this world!”)…

Beta males secretly wish they were born female, in the pre-feminist era.

And though remarrying isn’t an option

Scarcity mentality. Whatta brave Narrative Conformist.


BOTY Candidate #2 was submitted by reader trbowman. We’ll call this beta, “Sorry to bother” guy.

Hello. I’m a big fan of your site and I think I’ve learned a lot so far, and continue to peruse the archives in an effort to learn more. This gal I follow on twitter posted a screencap of this guy who asked her out via facebook message in pathetic fashion. Where does one began with this debacle? I quite literally cringed reading his side of the conversation. Could he be an OMEGA of the month candidate?


Overly logical? Check. Excessively deferential? Check. Effetely passive-aggressive? Check. Defensively cagey? Check. Socially awkward? Check. Self-sabotaging? Check.

“Sorry to bother” might be the clearest three words that describe the beta male psychology. It really says it all.

“I’m sorry to intrude into the shadow of your mile-high pedestal I have constructed out of roses and love poems with my insolent male protuberance. I shall endeavor to make my presence as unobtrusive and unremarkable as my desperate unslaked horniness will allow, and heaven forfend if my simple offer of an asexual chat should distress you in any way, but as I said, it’s all up to you, and by the way… haha?”


BOTY Candidate #3 is Michael Tolvo, a stalker niceguy with NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE who just likes to message birthday wishes to a girl he doesn’t know, year after year, because his penis is bursting with that much unspent semen his heart is bursting with that much love.

Ya know, if after four years your beta orbiter strategy isn’t working, you might want to consider trying something less cowardly. There are only so many hours in a life.


BOTY Candidate #4 is the skinnyfat masochist in this picture:

I understand that self-deprecation can occasionally work as a courtship tactic, along the lines of the Handicap Principle, but there are limits to just how shamelessly one can embarrass oneself before the girl starts to take him at his self-abnegating word. Indulging a fuggy fug’s sadistic urge to insult you, and taking it all in with a smarmy, self-satisfied grin on your face, crosses that line from charming ironic posturing to cringing loser groveling. Lena Dumpham approved.

This beta would have instantly elevated himself to alpha status had he been wearing a shirt that read, “I’m with Fatty”. But he didn’t, because character is destiny.


BOTY Candidate #5 is a beta male of incomparable cluelessness.

A common trait of the species betamaleicus menstruatius is a pronounced urge to assume the best of any woman, no matter the countervailing evidence, and to accept the worst about himself, no matter the insult to his manhood. Short of sitting in a corner and watching his girl take another dick in her hole, there is no evidence in the world that will cure a beta male of his scarcity mentality. He will find a way to reconcile his cuckolding, because he’s that hard up for pussy. (Or he believes pussy is that hard to acquire.) And so what you get is what you see here: A beta who believes his woman’s flimsiest lies and reinforces his infinite weakness with a clingy “I love you baby” coda.


The voting:

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We’ve got a trifecta of beta males this month vying for #1 Beta. You sit in judgment. It’s all good, sadistic fun, but remember, one of these betas could stumble across this site, read their demolition and experience a rebirth. You might just save a life today.

BOTM Candidate #1 is Nick Viall, the runner-up on that idiot box show “The Bachelorette”. Some slut born with her legs spread slept with both him and the eventual winner of her hand in marriage. She rejected Viall, and well, he reacted… poorly.

As fans saw on the Monday, July 28, finale of The Bachelorette, Andi Dorfman chose and got engaged to former baseball player Josh Murray in the Dominican Republic, leaving runner-up Nick Viall heartbroken and confused. Viall tried multiple times after their breakup to get back in touch with the woman he thought would be his wife—and he finally got his chance to confront her during the live post-finale sit-down.

Both of the bachelors — Viall and Murray — are handsome. You can look up their pics. Why is this relevant? Because there is a stubborn contingent of ignoramuses who cling to their belief that handsome man can’t possibly be beta and repel women.

Clearly still devastated, Viall began by telling host Chris Harrison that he just wanted to have an “honest conversation” with Dorfman about what went down between them. The conversation was honest, all right—but it was also awkward, uncomfortable, and rife with tension.

There are many tells of the beta male, but few so conspicuous as the butthurt yearning to have a “conversation” with the woman who inexplicably resisted his loving, responsive beta male charms.

Viall told Dorfman he would always be grateful to her for opening his eyes and his heart to the possibility of romance. She responded, in turn, by saying that he would find love again, and that he deserved someone who would reciprocate his feelings 100 percent.

Women are so sweetly patronizing to beta males. This is why you never want to be on the receiving end of a woman’s cooing pity. She’s telling you the sound of your voice makes her vagina seal tight like a clam exposed on the beach.

“The hard part is…feeling like you did,” he said. Then, referencing the night they spent together in the Fantasy Suite, he added, “If you knew how in love with you I was, why did you make love with me?”

Beta males “make love”. Alpha males “fuck”. (Or bang.) Most men believe women want the former, or want to hear about the former, because that’s what women say they want when asked. So much ignorance. Rule Number One:


(repeat after me)



His comment stunned both Dorfman and the audience, who let out a collective gasp at the remark. “That’s below the belt,” she said coolly, chiding him for revealing personal information on national TV.

Yes, women don’t want to be reminded of their sexual natures. And who can blame them? Female sexual desire, stripped of its pleasant accoutrements, is quite wild and depraved.

She then proceeded to defend herself and her actions, telling him she respected him enough to let him know before the rose ceremony that they didn’t have a future together. “I didn’t have you pick out a ring. I didn’t have you walk down there and think you were gonna propose to somebody,” she said. “I did that out of respect for you.”

More likely, she avoided unnecessary cruelty toward him because she didn’t want to risk a beta blow-up.

Playing devil’s advocate, if Viall’s mewling plea was an actorly ploy to publicize Dorfman’s sluttery, (and in the so doing reveal a side of women that is largely hidden from viewer masses), it was brilliant. I think the odds of that are very low, so I included him in this month’s BOTM.

He then sent Viall backstage before reuniting the Bachelorette with her newly minted fiance.

Things were much more lighthearted after that.

The magic of that alpha male attitude!

Dorfman and Murray openly cuddled on the couch, giggling together and kissing between questions. “We’re in love!” she gushed when Harrison pointed out that they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

I guess he’s OK with this television-cum-real life whore fucking another man at the same time he was courting her?

Her groom-to-be even joked that he was trying to get her pregnant.

Gotta hurry and push that tepid beta male seed outta the way.

Moral of the shiv: If you think you’ve completely won over a slutty woman’s heart by “making love” to her once, you might be a beta male.


BOTM Candidate #2 is a Reddit cuckold whose mysteriously low libido asexual girlfriend went on vacation without him, and…. (I bet the suspense is killing you)

My GF and i have been dating for 5 months now. This lady and i have have never had intercourse.

Around a month or so ago she went on vacation with a close friend of hers and her friends family. They come back, everything seems hunky dory. Fast forward to yesterday. She informs me that one night on vacation she was black out drunk after a long day of heavy drinking on the beach, wakes up in her hotel later that night and her friend tells her that she went off with a pair of guys.

Why did his girlfriend so readily confess her party slut sins to him? One, she has so little respect or desire for his manhood that she neither fears his retribution nor cares for his psychic pain. Two, the “blackout drunk” plot device is a helpful bit of plausible deniability meant to keep a hopeful, irrepressibly loyal beta male strung along for further provision and emotional support extraction. Yeah, she may have been drunk, but who chose to pour drinks down her throat? Vlad Putin?

Now her friend assumed she had sex, my GF is in denial (being blacked out).

“I’m a beta male and I believe her 100%!”

She thought nothing of it. Turns out she is pregnant.

Her slutcation fling didn’t have to wait five months. Don’t expect a beta male to ponder the discrepancy. That would ruin the shine on his whore’s pedestal.

Shes absolutely scared to death, shaking, sobbing, apologizing profusely saying “you don’t deserve this, you deserve better”.

She’s scared her faithful lapdog “boyfriend” will abandon her and not foot her abortion bill… or the 18-year-blood-from-a-beta bill.

I’ve never thought she is the type to go out and have a random hook up especially being that at that point we decided to be exclusive.

How do you decide to be exclusive to a girl you haven’t fucked once in the five months you’ve known her? “Hey babe, from this point onward you can’t cocktease any other men besides me.”

Her family, with whom she is very close to, being very religious and conservative, lose shit on her because she is seriously considering an abortion.

I hope her pro-life parents are prepared for the possibility of a… vibrant… gift from God.

I ask if she honestly wants to be with me to which she replies yes, most definitely.

Subtext: “Who else will stick around to wipe the shit off my bastard child’s bottom and suffer in silence as I get my cunt scoured by more exciting men?”

I feel the same way. i propose that we can work through this and that no matter what she decides i will back her 100%.

This is what a man with limited options, or a perception of limited options, sounds like.

We speak awhile and leave on okay terms. She decides to stay with her friend for awhile.

“Aww, he’s so sweet”: Heard about fifty times at her friend’s place.

my reaction. I’m stunned.

It’s time to stop being stunned. Come visit Le Chateau. Leave an informed consumer.

I know that shes a good girl, not the most responsible person ever but has a good heart

“has a good heart”?! She got hammered, hammered, and wants to hammer this tool into cuckold submission. Fuckin a, does a girl have to leave a body in the basement before her beta sycophant will question her virtue?

and never wants to hurt anyone. At the same time i cant help but to think about all the possibilities of what happened on that vacation. Was she raped? Drugged? Did she want a hook up?

No, no, yes. Answers that he’ll tell himself to quiet the inner rage: Yes, yes, no.

My personal opinion is that abortion is the best option, i haven’t told her that in fear of swaying her decision one way or the other but i feel like her family will guilt her into keeping the child. i really don’t know what to do at this point. Did i do the right thing? Any opinion or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Just think, in the not-too-distant sexual market of the past when contraceptive cop-outs were rare and beta males were tougher men than they are now, this princess would have had to think twice before happily stumbling onto a vacation cock carousel.

tl;dr: GF of five months goes on vaca, has sex, tells me yesterday she is pregnant and considering abortion. Please help! Need advice!

Thank your savior for small blessings: You aren’t married to the manipulative bitch. Toss her a razor blade, suggest she slice lengthwise, and leave her for good. You won’t do this, but if you did you’d be a better man instantly. And it would change the sad trajectory of your pathetic life forever.


BOTM Candidate #3 is this responsive boyfriend:

There’s more wrong with this picture than what immediately arrests the eye. Yes, she’s a grotesque tub of lard, and beta males are often reduced to settling for these swine pieces to get any action. More revealingly, this fupa queen shits all over her boyfriend’s (or beta orbiter’s?) honor by making a spectacle of herself to the jeers of gawkers.

Judging by the hats, this shot was taken in America.

American woman, lay your gut on me.
American woman, mama jump on me.
Beta dog gonna lift you up
So all the men see your wee A cups.


The voting:

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Not to gloat over my prowess at uncovering the world’s cringeworthiest beta males, but I think you readers will find it particularly difficult in this edition of Beta of the Month to stare at these train wrecks without averting your eyes.

BOTM Candidate #1 is a Rainman Jr. looking guy who earned his FIRST HUG (after four years dating) on the day he proposed to his girlfriend. Aww. Slow down, Romeo!

6/10, would hug. She’s wearing sunglasses to hide her shame and contempt.

In the interest of fair and balanced shivving, maybe the guy is sniggering like a retard because he’s already boffed this chick and he likes the feeling of getting one over on her oblivious dad. But judging by that disrespectful boner protruding in his pants, I’m guessing this tiny amount of physical contact is the first he’s received since his umbilical cord caressed his neck. So for the sake of BOTM continuity, let’s just call it and state unequivocally that this beta is loping into marriage on the basis of a platonic side hug. And is that a wallet he’s holding? At least he knows he’s gonna have to pay up to get a hug on the other side that maybe, if he’s lucky!, includes a brief tit brush, tastefully clothed.

Poor bastard. He has no idea the hell matrix that awaits him.

It takes a special kind of beta male delusion to conduct one’s personal affairs in the belief that marriage will open the pearled pink gates of sex. If your girlfriend can successfully parry your irresistible betaboy charms for FOUR FUCKING YEARS and reward you with a hardcore side hug the second you promise her an early retirement plan option, then it’s a good bet she can easily glide through another twenty years of sexless (that is, sexless with you) marriage once she has a ring on it and any incentive for good behavior from her has been removed from her consideration.

A young(ish) woman saving herself for marriage is not necessarily a bad thing in the big civilizational scheme of things, but she should at least be showing signs of sweating hard to restrain her base impulses while in your company. If it looks like she’s happy parceling out tidbits of affection you can get from your mom with less effort, you had better not think that marriage to her is somehow going to magically cause her desire for you to erupt like Mount Vaginius. Marriage is just a dotted line and the smoking barrel of the state apparatus pointed at your head; it’s not an aphrodisiac that can make a woman suddenly tingle for the timid twig of a beta male.


BOTM Candidate #2, submitted by reader Matt, is a manlet who… um… well… yeah, I’m having trouble typing this out. The mere motion of tapping my fingers into legible patterns that describe this hapless creature might transmogrify my hands into clawed, chronically fap-worn vestiges of scalzification syndrome. But, I soldier on. The dude is on his knees begging for forgiveness from his girlfriend in public, who can’t stop slapping him in the face in front of gawking onlookers. The craven puling he vomits defies every tenet of manhood, not to mention good taste.


The video is too grotesque to be staged. Yes, this guy is really on his knees, in the public square getting slapped around by his frail Asian girlfriend for some transgression that may or may not involve another woman or perhaps a Pokemon hug pillow, and bawling like a baby. What’s going on with the other girl standing next to her? Is she keeping away good samaritans? Providing color commentary? Moral support?

“You hit him real now, You no exist to him. You take that? Harder, hit harder! I want… I mean you want to see his shame burn in his face like a three day sake bender.”

Asians are weird.

We laugh at stuff like this because it helps ease our discomfort. You see, beta males and their antics are inherently discomfiting to the human senses. This is why we cringe when we see a beta male profusely apologize to his battle-axe girlfriend for some minor mistake, or a beta suck-up who wears “This is what a feminist looks like” t-shirts, or a beta orbiter who listens attentively while his unknowing dreamgirl dumps her problems with her boyfriend on him. The behavior of the beta male violates some universal law, or some deeply ingrained neurological module that goes code red when an expected sex role is turned on its head. It’s the same feeling one might get seeing an everyday and familiar object that would exist in the state of nature deformed into a monstrous aberration.

Conversely, when we see a charismatic alpha male handle his woman with expert care, and refuse to bow and scrape for scraps of female approval (or for stays of female punishment) when he has done her wrong, or not quite done her right enough, we relax. We exhale. We smile contentedly. We do this because such a scene means that everything is right with the world. Everything is cool. This is normal and the sun will not explode tomorrow.

I propose a new emoticon for sackless beta males:


Note the micropeen and vague vaginal evocation.

The voting:

For those wondering why it’s not more correct to label these two candidates omega males rather than beta males, take stock that they at least have slender girls in their lives, in however limited a capacity. The typical omega male is either an involuntary celibate or a wiping implement for a blubbery land whale. The beta male has not reached the depths of loserdom that the omega male occupies. The problem with the beta male is that the prize he has managed to acquire keeps threatening to slip from his grasp. He lives in a constant state of fear and horror that his tenuous hold on his girl will fray, and she’ll sail into the arms of a better man.

In some way, the beta male is worse off than the omega male. Many omegas learn to accept their invisibility to women, and find contentment in dropping out of the mate race to pursue more readily available pleasures, like food or hobbies. Betas, in contrast, can see the ass ring dangling inches from their reach. So close, they are taunted constantly with plump juicy rewards, if they just try harder. And that is why they fail.

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