Hovering

One of the most socially inept mistakes I see guys doing is the Rejection Hover. (The Hesitation Hover is almost as bad but at least in that scenario the guy can pretend he’s just waiting around for a friend to arrive.) It usually happens like this: Guy walks up to a girl who is alone or with a group of friends, runs his pitch, fails to capture her interest, gets the cold shoulder… and inexplicably decides to hover — like a hungry but stupid bee trying to find the entrance to a complicated flower — in their immediate vicinity even though they have turned their backs to him.

Instead of walking away with his pride intact he opts to loiter along the group’s perimeter, losing status points by the second. It is painful to watch. Nothing telegraphs ‘NEEDY LOSER’ faster than standing uncomfortably with a befuddled and forlorn look on your face peering over the shoulders of people who have concluded you suck.

Why do men do this? (And I’ve caught myself hovering a few times from lapses in judgement.) Odds are most men are just too lazy to move the fuck away to another spot in the venue or aren’t aware how badly hovering carries the stink of beta. You can’t fix what you don’t know is wrong. The other reason may be that he really believes the girl will warm up to him if he physically imposes himself in her peripheral vision. Maybe he wishes that she’ll give a second look at his tough grimace, chiseled triceps, or cool hand-in-jeans-pocket stance and reconsider his mate value. This is projection. Because guys are looks-focused, we think girls are equally looks-focused. But that is a failure of imagination. Once a girl has decided she doesn’t like your personality she loses all interest in your looks or how suavely you can hook your thumb through your belt loop.

This is why it is critically important to refrain from orbiting a set that has snubbed your efforts to engage them, if for no other reason than to avoid looking like a feeble choad.

There are alternatives to hovering that will have you come out looking less beta. You could re-enter the set one more time, gums blazing, and try to sell yourself with a new pitch. You could eject confidently and find another target, preferably one that hasn’t seen you just get blown out. You could casually turn and chat with an adjacent group of people as if your target’s rejection was completely inconsequential to your state of mind. You could call over your wingman to occupy your awkward social isolation. You could walk ten feet away.

Exception: If a girl or group of girls approaches you, it’s acceptable to stay put if your opener receives a chilly reception. In this instance, it would be the group that is hovering, not you.

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Vaj Day

‘Cause, really, that’s what it is. A day to celebrate vaj.

So in the consumerist spirit of the occasion here’s the Valentine’s Day card I plan to send out to my stable of regulars.

For my extra special girls, I’ve put the effort and love into making homemade cards:

I’m a romantic at heart.

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Don’t Get Married

This article lays out pretty thoroughly just what a raw deal marriage is for men. Divorce is twice as likely to catch husbands by surprise as it is wives.

In a 2004 poll by the AARP, one in four men who were divorces in the previous year said they “never saw it coming.” (Only 14 percent of divorced women said they experienced the same unexpected broadside.)

In divorce, it’s men who suffer more financially:

The divorce system tends to award wives custody of the children, substantial child support, the marital home, half the couple’s assets, and, often, heavy alimony payments.

This may come as startling news to a public that has been led to believe that women are the ones who suffer financially postdivorce, not men. But the data show otherwise, according to an exhaustive study of the subject by Sanford L. Braver, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University and author of Divorced Dads: Shattering the Myths.

[…] social scientists ignored men’s expenses — the tab for replacing everything from the bed to the TV to the house — as well as the routine costs of helping to raise the children, beyond child support. Even the tax code favors women: Not only is child support not tax deductible for fathers, but a custodial mother can take a $1,000 per child tax credit; the father cannot, even if he’s paying. As “head of the household,” the mother gets a lower tax rate and can claim the children as exemptions. If the ex-wife remarries, she is still entitled to child support, even if she marries a billionaire. Indeed, every year men are actually thrown in jail for failing to meet their child-support obligations. In the state of Michigan alone, nearly 3,000 men were locked up for that offense in 2005.

The stark realities of divorce paint a picture overwhelmingly tilted against a man’s interests. Here’s an example of just how bad it can get for a beta provider who thought if he was the good man the gods of fairness would reward him with steady sex, a faithful and loving wife, and a stable family:

They’d started going on expensive vacations in Europe and Hawaii, and he figured she’d be pleased at the prospect of taking more trips together, or at least at the prospect of seeing him around the house a little more, and not buried in his basement office. He had met her in graduate school over a quarter century ago, and they’d had their ups and downs, but he was still crazy about her. And he thought that, with a little more time together, she’d be crazy about him again too.

But no. She scarcely listened to any talk of retirement, or of vacations, or of anything he had to say. She had plans of her own.

“I want a divorce,” she said.

Paul was so stunned that he thought he must have misheard her. But her face told him otherwise. “She looked like the enemy,” he says. He started to think about everything he’d built: the thriving business, the wonderful family, the nice life in the suburbs. And he thought of her, and how much he still loved her. And then, right in front of her, he started to cry.

That night, he found a bottle of whiskey, and he didn’t stop drinking it until he nearly passed out.

Things turned sh—- very fast. His wife took out a temporary restraining order, accusing him of attempting to kidnap their youngest son. The claim was never proved in court. Then, with the aid of some high-priced lawyers, she extracted from him a whopping $50,000 a month — a full 75 percent of his monthly income. Barred from the house, he was not allowed regular access to the office he used to generate that income. (On the few times he was permitted inside, his wife did not let him use the bathroom. She insisted that he go outside in the woods.)

Paul is a very wealthy man, an “alpha” by most men’s definitions (though not by my definition) — he earns over $65,000 per month — yet his high financial status ultimately did not shield him from his wife’s dr. jekyll mrs. hyde act. In fact, it may have hastened her merciless decision. Paul is a classic beta provider, and after his wife had extracted the last penny of tribute from him to raise the kids to a self-sufficient age and live the life of a bon bon eating oprah watcher, she disposed of him with the cold-hearted cruelty of a despot dispatching his enemies by firing squad. His wife is likely a Hillary supporter.

Maxim #13: When the love is gone, women can be as cold as if they had never known you.

If that isn’t enough to convince you of the high risk gamble that is marriage, here’s another horror story:

Long before his wife came along, a frame-store owner named Jordan Appel, 55, had built a fine house for himself atop West Newton Hill in one of the fancier Boston suburbs. He loved bringing in a wife and then adding two children. “It felt so wonderful to say ‘my wife’ and ‘my children’ and feel part of a community.” He volunteered for the preschool’s yard sale; his wife took up with a lover. Sometimes she slept with him in Appel’s own house; in time, she decided to divorce Appel. As these things go, he was obliged to leave the house, and, as it happened, the community too. Money was so tight that he ended up sleeping in a storage room above his frame shop two towns away. His ex-wife works part-time on the strength of Appel’s child custody and alimony payments, and spends time with her boyfriend in Appel’s former house. She lives rather well, and he has to make $100,000 a year to support her and the children, which amounts to 70-hour workweeks. One day, he went back to his house and discovered many of his belongings out on the sidewalk with the trash. “My body feels like it’s dissolving in anger,” he says. “I’m in an absolute rage every single day.”

Now of course, many of you will say “but this guy Jordan is a total beta letting his wife take advantage of him like that!” and you’d be right. But regardless of his personal failings, his congenital betatude is no reason to accede to injustice codified by a discriminatory legal system. Either the laws change (and I personally favor elimination of no fault divorce as a start) or men should heed my advice and stay clear of the altar. Since I am not going to lift a finger to agitate for new laws that have a zero percent chance of happening in my lifetime, I follow the second option.

Maxim #8: Marriage is a social mechanism designed to exchange sex for indentured servitude.

So why are women now the eager instigators of divorce? What changed in the culture? Four things, primarily: the pill, easy divorce, women’s economic independence, and rigged laws that make divorce a good financial prospect for women. The four sirens of the sexual apocalypse together have created the perfect sociological storm where a woman has every incentive in the world to ditch a husband to follow the whims of her heart once his usefulness has been exhausted.

Listen to me — skip all that shit and learn to get the sex for free if you don’t already. All the positive loving benefits you can get out of marriage can also be had within an unmarried relationship.

Later in the article, the question is asked what can men do to avoid divorce?

One way, of course, is to avoid marriage.

The CH method. So elegant, so simple. So effective!

[…]husbands might be wise to pay attention to the essential ratio that — according to John Gottman, PhD, a world-renowned researcher of marriage stability — governs marital success or failure: five to one. That means husbands (and wives) should direct at least five positive remarks or actions to their spouses for every negative one. Any less and the marriage is in trouble.

Dr. John Gottman, five to one you are a dumbfuck. Glorifying their wives and putting them on pedestals is exactly what cost these hopeless betas their marriages. What they need to do is challenge their wives, not kiss their expanding asses with a stream of compliments. Cockiness, humor, turning the tables, not taking her shit, flirting with other women while wifey is watching… these are the improvements in character that will keep a wife’s love for her husband strong. As long as men are following the advice of these “social scientists” they will never unlock the mystery of what attracts women to men and they will suffer the consequences.

Here is an excellent quote from the article which vividly illustrates how badly the system is rigged in favor of women:

“A father could be sitting in his own home, not agreeing to a divorce, not unfaithful to his marriage vows, and not abusive, and the next thing he knows, the court has taken his house, his children, and a lot of his money, and then forced him to pay his wife’s legal fees and even her psychologist’s fees. And he can be threatened with jail time if he resists.”

To recap:

1. divorce theft
2. monogamy
3. second class spouse under the law
4. sex once a month TOPS with the same old pussy

So.

Where’s the upside?

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Beta Game

If you are a pussywhipped beta whose girlfriend will get tired of having you as a girlfriend… if you stop mid-wipe after taking a shit to do her bidding… if your balls climb up into your chest cavity every time she chews you out… if the thought of her being displeased with you gives you a full diaper, then you need to make it your life mission to haul into orbit the one thing that tells her you love her and will never ever not let her get her way.

For two billion lifetimes’ salary and undiscovered advances in physics, you can impress her with a diamond star. At a diameter of 4,000 km you can virtually lock in that she’ll never cheat on you in front of your face, because she’ll be too busy angling it in the light to show off to her yenta friends.

Planet-sized diamonds are forever.

if this is cubic zirconia i’m dumping your ass!

On my entitlement scale, a woman who would want, or need, such a diamond would be a 10+ American living in Manhattan who mainlines Cosmo and Jimmy Choo.

Not to be deterred, the forces of light have gone on the attack with a class action lawsuit against De Beers for unlawfully monopolizing the sale of diamonds. A proposed settlement is in the works. Now it’s your turn, betaboys. Since women will never willingly give up their prerogative to drain a man’s finances on a useless rock for the privilege of giving him access to the same pussy once a month, it’s up to you to grow a hairy pair and take a stand. There are two ways you can do this:

1. Just say no. If she walks, then at least you’ll know your company was worth less to her than a piece of jewelry. End result: keep your dignity intact.

2. Buy her a “fake” (AKA unmined) diamond and don’t tell her it’s not a De Beers-approved product. She’ll never know and you’ll be able to spend more of your money on worthwhile consumer goods, like sexy lingerie for your mistress. If she even asks if the ring is real, then you will have proof that her priorities are out of whack.

I predict this will never happen. The world is just too bottom-heavy with lickspittle betas.

The engagement ring is meant as a symbol of love and commitment. It is cheapened when a gargantuan price tag is put on it. A colorful piece of string tied around her wrist would work better.

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Don’t Stop Thinking About The Next Girl

A big mistake guys make when they start dating a girl they really like — the “one” — is neglecting to continue going out and getting fresh leads.  I used to do this, so I know the mental processes that go through a guy’s head when he’s really into a girl he’s dating.  He channels all his pickup energy into this one girl, figuring that if he made it as far as a first or a second date he should focus like a laser beam on her pants zipper.  He spends the long days in between seeing her analyzing his progress, picking apart the meaning behind her actions (or inactions), and daydreaming about what a relationship would be like with her.  When he goes out, he gets lazy and tells himself there is no urgency to collect new numbers since he’s already dating a quality chick and most of the other girls can’t compare anyhow.

This is a sexually lethal frame of mind to put oneself in.  When a guy completely boxes himself in like this with no options to fall back on, all it takes is a change of heart by his golden girl to crush his soul and send him spiraling into morose self-examination.  It’s like investing your whole wad in a biotech startup with huge promise only to see it crash to a sub-penny stock after the CEO is convicted of fraud.  You’d have been a lot better off diversifying your portfolio in a range of pussy sectors.

As an example, once, during the course of a month, I had four second dates in a row fizzle out on me leading to no sex.  I made a critical error by jumping from one girl to the next — dating, failing, getting a new lead, dating again, failing again, etc.  My desperation and self-doubt grew with each new girl, practically ensuring failure.

The way to beat this crippling dating handicap is to follow the “two in the kitty” rule religiously.  You should date a minimum of two girls simultaneously until you have locked in your preferred girl by having sex with her at least three times.  I have found through trial and error that a girl will bond to you after the third bang.  Before that, it’s a crapshoot and depends on the girl’s innate femininity.  Because modern girls have taken on male characteristics (especially DC girls who are more masculine than girls from less ambitious or overeducated towns) and are sluttier than past generations, the first or second bang won’t guarantee emotional attachment.  By the third bang, however, you will notice a very perceptible shift in the balance of power.  Suddenly, she will call and text you first, ask about your weekend schedule, tell you to “give me a call soon”, start doing favors for you, cuddle longer, and generally betray signs of nervousness when you make yourself physically or emotionally scarce.

That is when you will have her in the palm of your hand and can steer the relationship in the direction you want it to go.

A guy can achieve this if he adheres to these fundamental principles:

1. Other girls CAN compare.  Girls are more interchangeable than you’d think.  Don’t get sucked into “oneitis”.
2. If you date one girl exclusively and she really turns you on, you WILL give off a needy vibe at some point during the pre-sex seduction no matter how much experience you have.  The best players who have ice running through their veins and cyborgian state control get that way because they date and fuck many girls concurrently.
3. A good date means nothing.  The only thing that matters is penis in vagina, and even then a feeling of security is not assured until the penis has penetrated the vagina on at least three different occasions.  (Three times in one night does not count.)
4. You will find it easier to close the deal with your number one girl if you are banging a number two and three girl.  A man getting regular sex has an aura that girls subconsciously register in their hindbrains.  Don’t ask me how this happens, but it does.  The Aura is very powerful, like the chemical hormones secreted by ants and bees to get them to cooperate as a social structure, and will be your Valkyrie in the battle for pussy.
5. Approach the game while dating as ardently as you do when you are dating no one.  If you have a date Tuesday, go out Monday and Wednesday and get more numbers.  Even if you fail at getting numbers, just taking the initiative of meeting new girls and chatting them up will reduce the neediness you feel with your date.
6. Never, EVER, feel guilty for dating and banging many girls simultaneously.  The mating marketplace is a battlefield and the Genitalia Convention rules of engagement clearly stipulate that it’s open season for fucking around until terms of exclusivity are tendered.  This is not your mother’s dating environment.
7. A hot chick is MORE likely, not less, to continue seeing you if you tell her you are “dating around”.  A guy who knows he has options and is in fact exercising those options is extremely attractive to a girl.

Don’t give a girl the chance to pull the rug out from under you.  Have another ten rugs underneath that one and you will glide through your interactions with women like a shark through a school of mackerel.

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How The Mighty Have Fallen

I have this old friend who used to be a guy’s guy.  Loved guy stuff , did guy things, and nurtured fierce loyalty to his guy clan of close buddies.  He was a ferocious looking beast with a barrel chest as deep as it was wide who could hip check and shoulder blast his way through any club crowd to get to the bar or a girl he wanted to meet.  His bumpngrinding was legendary.  As was his profuse sweating, which beaded up in great rivulets on his expansive simian brow as he danced under the hot club lights, stopping only to dab at the torrent of perspiration with fistfuls of cocktail napkins.  He was a magnificent distillation of pure testosterone.

We called him Silverback.

Then he met a girl, and suddenly Saturday afternoons were dedicated to throw pillow shopping.

Then he moved in with this girl, and his high-flying nightlife rompnstomping days were over.

Then he married this girl, and he dove headfirst into climbing the corporate ladder knowing one day he’d have to support a family in that perfect city for raising kids… Manhattan.

Now we hardly ever hear from him except for those times when his beloved is busy doing her own thing and he has a minute to spare in between catering to her needs.  This usually amounts to a 1.5 minute interim phone call from a park bench while he’s waiting to pick up his wife from her vegetarian yoga class.  Or, even better, a 30 second shout out from inside a cab when it is obvious from the background sound of his wife sitting next to him talking to someone else on her phone that he has been granted a brief window of opportunity to call a buddy.  The phone call invariably ends as soon as his wife’s call is over.

Me:  So how much time you got left to talk?
Silverback:  Come on, man, you know I can talk as long as I like.
Me:  She’s still on the line, then?
Silverback:  She does her own thing, I do mine.
Me:  OK, so how’s the new job going?
Silverback’s Wife:  Hey, honey, that was XXX.  Who’re you talking to?
Silverback:  Gotta go, bro.  *CLICK*

Now his wife is pretty, and young, and headstrong, and probably out of his league, so it’s understandable that he’d bend a little to accommodate her lifestyle.

But to go from Silverback to this? 

take me boutique shopping! 

The crack of that whip echoed through the hills and valleys of the Kingdom of Manhood.

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Dating Market Value For Women

UPDATE:
I’ve adjusted the scoring and categories a bit because the test was skewed somewhat toward lower scores.  For those who have arguments with my scoring system, understand that it is based on averages.  I’m sure everyone knows a 34 year old woman who is just as hot as the average 22 year old girl, but the exceptions don’t make the rules.

And a note on BMI:
I used the 1959 Met Life height-weight insurance charts as guides as they are the most accurate (before American “grade inflation” made obese the new normal).  A 5’10” 140lb woman would have a BMI of 20.1, which puts her well within the most desirable BMI category.

*****

If you are a woman, this test will measure your dating market value.  The higher the number, the better quality man you can catch.  The lower the number, the more likely you will find yourself surrounded by cats.  Unlike the male version of this test, here I have added a sliding scale to some of the questions because this better reflects the outsized importance that certain factors have on a woman’s total sexual value.

Guys, you may take this quiz for your girlfriends or wives to see if you have settled for tepid sex once a week or if you always get hard looking at her and never forget her birthday.

1.  How old are you?

15 to 16 years old:  +5 points
17 to 20 years old:  +10 points
21 to 25 years old:  +8 points
26 to 29 years old:  +3 point
30 to 33 years old:  0 points
33 to 36 years old:  -1 point
37 to 40 years old:  -5 points
41 to 45 years old:  -8 points
46 to 49 years old:  -10 points
over 49:  you’ve hit the wall.  waysa?

2.  How important is makeup to your appearance?

It slightly enhances my looks:  0 points
I look like a different woman with makeup:  -1 point
I’m a natural beauty.  My morning face looks the same as my evening face:  +1 point

3.  What is your IQ?  (This relates tangentially to your ability to connect emotionally with a man.)

Under 85:  -1 point
85 to 100:  0 points
101 to 120:  +1 point
121 to 145:  0 points
Over 145:  -1 point

*****

The following ten questions deal with the physical attractiveness of your body.

4.  Your breast size is:

Bee stings up to A cup:  -1 point
B cup:  0 points
C cup:  +1 point
D cup, naturally firm:  +2 points
DD cup, firm:  +1 point
E cup and up:  0 points

5.  Your breasts look firm and pert when you wear:

A bra:  0 points
An underwire push-up bra:  -1 point
Nothing:  +1 point

6.  How long are your legs in relation to your height?

Long:  +1 point
Average:  0 points
Short:  -1 point

7.  What is the shape of your ass?

Flat:  -1 point
Round and fleshy:  +1 point
Round, fleshy, and firm:  +2 points
Flat and saggy:  -2 points
Just average:  0 points

8.  How flat is your stomach?

Cutting board flat:  +1 point
Slight pouch:  0 points
Muffin top:  -1 point
Flabby beer gut and fupa:  -10 points

9.  How toned are your upper arms?

Very toned, I can see my triceps:  +1 point
Average, not flabby:  0 points
If I hold my arm out, I can wobble the fat underneath my upper arm:  -1 point

10.  How big are your hands?

Delicate piano fingers, proportionally small:  +1 point
Average size:  0 points
Manhands:  -1 point

11.  Where is there hair on your body?

My head and pubic area only:  +1 point
I have to shave my legs daily and wax my bushy eyebrows:  0 points
I have dark forearm hair and a mustache:  -1 point
Nipples, asscrack, and that giant mole on my back:  -2 points

12.  Get a tape ruler and measure around your waist and your hips.  Divide your waist number by your hip number.  This ratio is:

0.65 to 0.75:  +1 point
0.55 to 0.64:  0 points
under 0.55:  -1 point
0.76 to 0.85:  0 points
0.85 to 0.95:  -1 point
over 0.95:  -2 points

13.  What is your BMI?

(Go here to calculate your BMI.  The scoring of female BMI varies somewhat from that of male BMI because aesthetics, not just general health, have to be taken into consideration.)

under 14.1:  -10 points
14.1 to 15.0:  -5 points
15.1 to 16.5:  0 points
16.6 to 17.4:  +3 points
17.5 to 21.0:  +10 points
21.1 to 23.0:  +3 points
23.1 to 24.5:  0 points
24.6 to 28.0:  -5 points
28.1 to 33.0:  -10 points
over 33.0:  stop taking this quiz.  you get nothing!  you lose!  good day madam!

*****

The next ten questions are the section of the test that measures your facial beauty.  Since so much of a woman’s dating market value resides in the appeal of her face, I have chosen to examine some traits in finer detail.  To illustrate how very subtle changes in facial characteristics can mean the difference between beautiful and ugly, look at these two photos:

I do not even have to label these photos because almost all my readers viewing them, men and women, will instinctively know which is the hot girl and which is not.  Remember this the next time someone tells you beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

14.  On a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty are you?

Note:  Do not bother soliciting the opinions of the following people, because they will not give you a truthful answer.

Your family.
Your heterosexual female friends.
Your homosexual male friends.
Your heterosexual male friends who would sleep with you given the chance.

Instead, put your pic up on hotornot and check back in a week.  Otherwise, go with what you’ve overheard through the grapevine by people who weren’t your close friends, or suck it up and try to be as honest with yourself as possible.  Lesbians will also give you an accurate appraisal as long as it is through a third party and not directly to your face.  Use the photos above as guidelines.  Adjust your rating based on how close your facial morphology matches one or the other.

0:  don’t bothering finishing this test.
1 to 2:  -10 points
3 to 4:  -5 points
5:  -1 point
6:  +2 points
7:  +5 points
8 to 9:  +8 points
10:  +12 points

15.  How clear is your skin?

No acne, blemishes, or poorly located moles:  0 points
Some combination of the above:  -1 point
People are always telling you how silky smooth your skin looks:  +1 point

16.  Do you have any noticeable deformities?

Yes, minor:  -1 point
Yes, major:  -10 points
No:  0 points

17.  How full are your lips?

Pencil thin:  -1 point
Average:  0 points
Juicily plump:  +1 point
Weirdly oversized:  0 points

18.  How high is your forehead?

Low:  -1 point
Average:  0 points
High:  +1 point

19.  How long is your jawline from ear to chin?

Long:  -1 point
Average:  0 points
Short:  +1 point

20.  How big is your chin?

Small:  +1 point
Average:  0 points
Large:  -1 point

21.  How big is your nose?

Small:  +1 point
Average:  0 points
Large:  -1 point

22.  In proportion to the size of your face, are your eyes:

Large and saucer-like:  +1 point
Normal-sized:  0 points
Small and beady:  -1 point

23.  Is the distance between your eyes:

Wide:  +1 point
Average:  0 points
Narrow:  -1 point

The bottom line on female facial beauty is that as the lower half of her face becomes smaller and more delicate, making her eyes and cheekbones appear more prominent, the better looking she will be.

*****

The final eleven questions measure your femininity, sexiness, and pleasing personality traits.  This is the closest to “game” that women have at their disposal.  It isn’t much, which is why the scoring is lowest in this section.

24.  You frequently wear sexy lingerie, even when not prepping for a hot date.

Yes:  +1 point
Special occasions only:  0 points
Never.  Ripped and stained comfy granny panties only:  -1 point

25.  When someone gets hurt you are the first to ask if they are OK and to deliver aid if needed.

Almost always:  +1 point
Occasionally:  0 points
Almost never:  -1 point

26.  You are highly competitive and often play co-ed team sports.

Yes, and I will throw an elbow if necessary.  My shelf is filled with trophies:  -1 point
I like to exercise on nice days with one on one sports like tennis:  +1 point
I’m competitive with other girls, but not guys:  0 points

27.  When a guy approaches you in a bar, regardless of your attraction for him, you:

Smile and look at him:  +1 point
Pretend like you don’t notice him coming:  0 points
Frown and tell him you’re talking to your friends before he even gets a chance to say Hi:  -1 point

28.  On a first date the check arrives for dinner and drinks.  You:

Offer to split the check or even pay in full:  +1 point
Smile and thank the guy when he pays for the check:  0 points
Forget to thank him after he pays for your ungrateful ass:  -1 point

29.  You are about to have sex with a guy for the first time.  He undresses and his penis is small.  Do you:

Tell him how great his cock looks and feels?:  +1 point
Say nothing:  0 points
Look surprised and stifle a laugh:  -1 point

30.  You think blowjobs are:

Great!  You give them spontaneously and there’s never any doubt how much you enjoy it:  +1 point
An obligation:  0 points
Gross.  You gave one after your BF proposed and spit it on his shoes:  -1 point

31.  Do you do anal?

Yes, and it makes me come to know how much it pleases my man:  +1 point
Only when I get really drunk:  0 points
Never.  It’s an exit only:  -1 point

32.  The number of sex positions you have tried is:

3 to 10:  0 points
Missionary and doggy style only:  -1 point
I’m a contortionist:  +1 point

33.  How often do you curse?

I think I said damn once:  +1 point
I blurt out fuck and shit a few times a week:  0 points
My mouth is a gutter:  -1 point

34.  You’d best describe your sense of fashion as:

I’m a label whore:  -1 point
I hide my body under baggy tees and ill-fitting jeans:  -1 point
I wear casual clothing that flatters my figure:  0 points
I wear stylish clothing on weeknights and I can handle heels over 3 inches:  +1 point
My flip flops have my foot imprint in them:  -2 points

*****

SCORING

There is a minimum of -83 points and a maximum of 64 points to earn based on the questions asked.  The reason the minimum score goes lower than the maximum score goes high is because there are a few things, such as gross obesity, old age, or a major facial deformity, that seriously negatively impact a woman’s overall rating to the point of market extinction.

The scoring breaks down as follows:

-83:  You are proof that god does not exist, but that satan does.
-82 to -56:  You’re an omega.  If it makes you feel better you will have your choice of male omegas to bang.
-55 to -40:  The majority of men are disgusted by the sight of you.  Your kind will suffer most when our sexbot overlords arrive.  Losers hit on you constantly figuring they have a chance.
-39 to -20:  You were born to cockblock.  But you’ll manage to marry a table scrap.
-19 to -5:  Lesser beta.  The men you want make fun of you out of earshot.  You spend many years learning how to settle for mediocre betas.
-4 to 14:  Classic beta.  Your hot friends always gets hit on first, but if you really tramp it up you can snag a slightly better than average guy to take you home for a single night of commitment.
15 to 29:  Greater beta.  More than a few attractive guys will approach you.  But if your personality is flawed you risk becoming a pump and dump victim.
30 to 43:  You are officially a nascent alpha female.  A lot of quality guys will hit on you and you will be able to pick and choose at your leisure.  But don’t push it.  You’re not quite hot enough to string guys along forever.
44 to 55:  You’re a bona fide hottie.  Nearly every guy who meets you agrees you are a hottie.  So does every girl.  This puts you in the top 1% of worldwide womanhood.  With great power comes great responsibility, so try to limit the number of men you torture with blueballs and LJFB rejections to fewer than 100 in your social circle.  As long as you are not a complete bitch, marriage with a top quality man will come easily to you.
56 to 63:  Guys want you, girls want to be you.  You are just short of perfection, which paradoxically means you will get hit on more than the super alpha females.  You are a player’s greatest challenge, and his greatest reward, because unlike the perfect woman there is still something human about you.  Sex, love, security, commitment, easy living… you have it all.  Only your demons can defeat you.
64:  Super Alpha.  The world is yours.  Life is an endless parade of joy and excitement.  Your power is illimitable… for now.

I hope everyone noticed what was missing from this test:

Your job.
The amount of money you make.
Your accomplishments.
Your social status and number of friends.
Your deep and profound worldview.

Unlike the men who took my Male Dating Market Value test, I do not expect *any* women to be completely honest with themselves taking the Female Dating Market Value test.  The female ego is simply way too fragile to absorb the shock of such a brutal self-assessment.  Therefore, I will be mentally subtracting 10 points from every woman who posts her score here in the comments.

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