Cat On A Leash

UPDATE

A reader sent in this photo of a cat in a stroller that is whisked around town by its owners:

I thought the end of America would be a long, slow decline over generations, but now I think it might happen in a matter of years.

My man about town, Dodgeball Dan, called from an undisclosed location to inform me that there was a young-ish couple walking a cat on a leash. He was so repulsed and simultaneously fascinated that he had to tell me as the action was going down.

DD: Dude, there’s a couple walking a cat on a leash. I can’t believe what I’m seeing.

Me: Is the guy a herb*?

DD: Oh yeah, total herb. And of course his girlfriend is cute. [To the couple] Hey, does he fetch?

Herb: Only indoors.

DD: He looks a little confused.

Herb: It’s his first time outside.

DD: [Back to me] Wow. Oh man. The herb just picked the cat up like a baby, cradled it, and carried it off. These are the end times for America.

Between this:

and this:

these are indeed the end times for America. It’s not so much the decadence that’s doing us in, it’s the silliness. (Open borders, cats on leashes… it all flows from the same juvenile mindset.)

*herb, noun – a schlumpy, nondescript white guy with no fashion sense, chin, or sexual gravitas, who has managed to hook up with a cute chick. Herbs usually wear satchels to nightclubs and button down collar shirts with the Hanes undershirt peaking through at the neck. They love anything khaki and are not embarrassed to be seen wearing fanny packs or sandals. A super herb takes it up a notch with white athletic socks and an extra-large t-shirt to hide his man boobs. They have a walk that can be best described as looking like they are carrying a load in their pants. They will annoy you just by being there. The fact that a herb will have usually managed to score a cute yuppie chick will fill you with violent feelings toward him.

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Obesity To Blame For Game

Reader Joe T. sent me a link to this story (scroll halfway down) about female obesity correlating with lower pay in the workplace. The study’s conclusion — that fat women suffer a wage penalty because of discrimination — is shaky (for instance, fat women may be less productive than their thinner counterparts due to health issues), but there’s no doubt that employers — male and female, fat and thin — don’t like looking at fat chicks in the office and that this may affect their employment prospects. There is a chart accompanying the report which shows that the percentage of overweight and obese white American women has increased from 12.6% in 1981 to 50.4%(!) in 2000.

That is just so fucking depressing on so many levels. The gravity of this tragic situation had me wondering if the rise in female obesity has indirectly contributed to the concurrent rise in the teaching of Game and the player subculture. I now think it has. The best way to illustrate my point is through visual aids.

This is what happens when you put five thin women of bangable age and reasonable attractiveness and five normal men together in a bar:

All the penises have found a home. Every woman is at a minimum sperm-worthy so the competition between the men is reduced to a manageable amount unless one of the girls happens to be an 8.5 or better, in which case there is a flurry of chest-pounding as the men jockey for her attention, followed quickly by peace in the land once the betas realize that sex with 6s and 7s isn’t too bad, either.

Now we’ll see what happens when you put three fat chicks, one mediocre-looking thin girl, one hot red-headed girl, and five normal men together in a bar:

As you can see, the three fat chicks are completely ignored, even though this guarantees that three penises will not find a home tonight, unless the two remaining girls are into sharing. Instead, all five men will descend upon the two skinny chicks and a battle royale will ensue for access to their skinny vaginas. Eventually, the hot red-headed chick will meet her attention quota and go home penis-less but oddly very satisfied. The mediocre-looking chick, who would be a 6 in any other country where the female obesity rate wasn’t over 50%, is suddenly faced with the sexual interest of five men. Being the only sperm-worthy available vagina left in the bar, she vogues and disdains like a 10, enjoying every second of her newfound fame, and throwing the forces of the cosmos into a great imbalance. Her ego jacked up, she too will go home penis-less and emotionally very satisfied, all the while thanking her American sisters for their addiction to cookie dough straight from the tube.

A visual representation of the aftermath of this all-too-real nightmare scenario:

Those are the penises trampled underfoot the stiletto heels of the last remaining thin girl in the universe. Her head has grown large from the ego-stroking of all the men who had no other options but to attempt sex with her. Like small mammals scattered out of the brush before a stampeding herd of wildebeests, scampering toward the safety of one golden burrow on the horizon, these men face certain doom.

Which brings me to my theory: Game has been refined, taught and embraced by men in direct proportion to the shrinking pool of attractive thin girls. As the reduced supply of skinny chicks have seen their sexual market value skyrocket, they have adjusted by pricing their pussy out of reach for the average guy. In return, men have sought solutions to this new challenge in the rapidly advancing science of seduction. Where simple courtship worked in the past, it is no longer effective against the deep bunker defenses of the in-demand slender woman.

There has always been an evolutionary arms race between men and women in the quest for sex but now, for the first time in human history, the sheer numbers of fat chicks — in concert with the increase of financially independent women — is accelerating this arms race so fast that many people can’t cope and drop out. The tools of seduction for men become better by the day and the women counter with more impenetrable defenses. The tension is palpable. The whining and bitching is cacophonic. Distrust and dating blogs are at record highs.

If just 20% of fat chicks lost weight relations between the sexes would start to noticeably improve. And there would be more happiness in the world, because a skinny girl with hunger pangs is happier than a fat girl with a sheepdog and peanut butter.

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Stuff Whiter* People Like Quiz

Hoping to prove to myself that I am a badass nonconformist, I read through all 76 entries to date at the Stuff White People Like blog and tallied up my score to see how many applied to me. I was as truthful in my answers as I could tolerate.

My white person score: 27 out of 76, which rounds up to 36% white.

*More technically, 36% whiter than the average white, since what that blog really describes is the kind of status whoring that upper middle class coastal city liberal whites like to pursue to separate themselves from the masses of unenlightened whites in flyover country.

I’m pleased with my score. It shows that I have just enough taste to enjoy the good life (green tea has anti-oxidants! NASCAR makes no sense to me!) but not so much self-righteous whiter person status posturing that I become the very thing I loathe (no, I really don’t give a shit about raising awareness!).

I’m so convinced that a lot of these things that whiter people like are merely grabs for status over other white people that I have an experiment in mind. According to this entry, white people love to go to ethnic restaurants (not including Italian) that are patronized by non-whites for the “authentic” experience, so they can tell their fellow whites about their new favorite foreign cuisine. This earns them major bragging rights. The more foreign-sounding the food, the better. Listen as they take great pains to pronounce the dish they had in its native tongue.

Now I like Ethiopian food, even though it gives me tremendous gas one hour after eating it. But I wouldn’t stop eating Ethiopian food if suddenly it was served in a bland cookie cutter suburban eatery and the waitresses were not real Ethiopians, like they are in the place I go to in Adams Morgan. I would continue to enjoy their delicious injera bread even if a hundred other white people were sitting around me eating the same thing, and that is because I go for the food itself.

So in my experiment I would take the most popular Ethiopian restaurant in a hip neighborhood in DC, one that the hippest white people rave about, and move it into a vacated McDonald’s restaurant in a 100% white suburban neighborhood, where I would then sell combo meals of authentic Ethiopian food at $4.99 a pop, with a big gulp honey wine and plastic utensils, served at the cash register by a non-Ethiopian, preferably a dour white hipster with a lip ring or a Chinese woman. If whiter people are truly going to exotic ethnic restaurants for the enjoyment of the food as they like to claim they are, then business should remain brisk in my new McEthiopian restaurant. If business slows to a trickle, then I know that the whiter people were only singing the praises of Ethiopian food when eating it had an “authentic” feel so as to score culinary gotcha points in the neverending struggle to reign supreme at the top of the elitist cultural heap.

Stuffwhitepeoplelike in a nutshell: Making fun of the tribalism of people who think they have risen above tribalism.

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Beautiful Women Past To Present

A reader sent me a link to this eye-popping morphing video montage of the beautiful faces of Hollywood leading ladies over the years. There is a vague, eerie similarity among all the faces.

Beautiful women aren’t clones of each other but neither do they deviate too far from the primary beauty script. For instance, no one would mistake Nicole Kidman for Halle Berry but they both share those essential features that capture men’s hearts — large eyes, prominent cheekbones, small chins and noses, facial symmetry, succulent lips, and clear smooth skin.

Note the zero difference hair styles make to the women’s beauty.

Who’s your favorite? Mine’s a toss-up between Audrey Hepburn and Vivian Leigh. I’m curious if there is a pattern in what my female and male readers choose as their favorites.

(Jodie Foster is proof that there is something identifiably strange going on with lesbians’ upper row of teeth.)

PS: Does anyone know what classical tune is playing in the video? It seems like the perfectly suited soundtrack for self-pleasuring to admiring beautiful female faces.

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A Scandal And A Link

Standing in the last minute Valentine’s Day checkout line at the supermarket with twenty other men carrying roses, cards and chocolates, I paid for my one economy sized bottle of grape seed massage oil. They eyed my purchase curiously.

Suckers.

***

Behold the world’s funniest (and most bitingly insightful) new blog:

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

If you are a blue state status whore, you will get uncomfortable reading this blog.

I agree 100% with the #56 Lawyers entry.

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Why Are There So Many Lawyers?

In the last post discussing the Japanese embrace of all things A.I., one of the commenters mentioned that Japan’s ratio of engineers to lawyers is 10 to 1, while the U.S.’s ratio is the reverse: 1 to 10. Because I have a special contempt for most lawyer chicks which impels me to fuck them hard, deep and violently until their gratingly argumentative masculinized tough girl exterior lies in a wet spot of pent-up orgasmic release on my bedsheets, I was curious why this is so.

My first guess is similar to what commenter ‘agnostic’ wrote about the Japanese possessing an IQ profile that favors visual-spatial reasoning over verbal fluency. If this is true, we should expect to see disproportionately more Asian-American engineers than lawyers, including second and third generation Asian-Americans, compared to the rest of the U.S. population. Lawyers, for reasons unbeknownst to me and at odds with the objective evidence concerning their contribution to society and the rigor of their curriculum, have higher status in the U.S. than do engineers, so if the highly pragmatic Asians are choosing engineering over law in spite of all the social pressure to do the opposite then that would suggest an ingrained mental proclivity for the hard maths.

Another possibility may be that homogeneous societies, like Japan’s, don’t need as many lawyers because the trust factor is stronger. When everyone looks like everyone else strangers are more apt to trust one another and work cooperatively, negating the need for lawyers. Corruption is lower so the courts are less involved in business transactions. A Harvard study has even shown that more diversity reduces civic-mindedness.

Is the U.S., the premiere multicultural experiment on the world stage, overburdened with lawyers because of its diversity? Is trust so low that recruiting an army of lawyers is the only way anything can get done here anymore?

To answer this, I’ve put together a chart comparing the number of lawyers per capita to the level of diversity for each state in the U.S. The second column is the Diversity Index for the year 2000 and it is based on a Census algorithm. The higher the Diversity Index number of the state, the more likely you are to run into someone from another race or ethnicity there. The lower it is, the more the entire state will look like an extended family backyard BBQ. The third column is number of lawyers in each state per 10,000 residents as of 2001.

STATE	Diversity Index 2000	Lawyers per 10,000 Residents
ME	0.07	9
VT	0.08	8.2
NH	0.10	7.7
WV	0.10	8.8
IA	0.14	6.2
ND	0.16	4.4
MT	0.19	8.5
KY	0.20	7.1
WY	0.21	8.3
SD	0.22	5.8
ID	0.22	6.1
MN	0.22	11.2
NE	0.23	8.3
WI	0.23	6.8
IN	0.25	6.9
UT	0.26	9.1
OH	0.28	8.6
PA	0.28	11.9
MO	0.29	10.9
OR	0.29	7.9
KS	0.30	5.8
RI	0.32	9.1
MA	0.32	14.5
TN	0.35	8.2
AR	0.36	5.3
MI	0.36	7.8
WA	0.37	8.7
CT	0.38	14.3
CO	0.42	13
OK	0.43	8.1
DE	0.44	18
AL	0.44	9.4
NC	0.46	8.2
VA	0.47	9.5
SC	0.48	8.4
MS	0.50	7.6
IL	0.50	14
LA	0.50	11.1
AK	0.51	8
GA	0.52	12
FL	0.52	11.7
NJ	0.53	11.7
AZ	0.53	8
NV	0.53	10.4
MD	0.53	9.4
NY	0.57	20.4
TX	0.61	9.5
NM	0.62	6.9
CA	0.67	10.9
HI	0.73	9.5
DC	0.56	276.7

I’ve separated DC from the main list as an outlier. 277 lawyers per 10,000 residents! In distant second place is New York at 20 lawyers per 10,000 residents. Now I know why I can’t get away from dating lawyers in this town. They’re everywhere. The overwhelming lawyer presence goes a long way toward explaining why DC is the toughest city to game chicks. No wonder there are cat adoption shelters on every corner.

The coefficient of correlation between the diversity index and the number of lawyers for all states is 0.38, which is a moderately positive correlation. So my theory that diversity breeds lawyers has some merit.

Next: I will discover a correlation between a woman’s career success and how often she bitches about guys.

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Robotopia

I went to a Japanese cultural exhibit at the Kennedy Center. The crowd pleasing favorites were the robots. This guy rolls around answering questions in a chipper voice and shaking hands:

He’d make a great politician if his answers were a little more vague.

This robot, made by Toyota, plays the trumpet using a complicated air pump system and lips that mimic those of a human:

Yes, he (she? it?) actually played the trumpet by blowing air into the instrument and pressing the valves with his fingers. He leaned and swayed side to side and backwards like a real musician getting caught up in the emotions of playing a song. He blasted out a couple of pop songs from the 1970s and a Disney tune. The sound was good and not as stilted or mechanical as I expected. A trumpet playing robot is pretty amazing but it’s not yet at the point where it can capture the fluidity and sensuality of a human master musician. Still, I tapped my feet.

A robot baby seal serves as a therapeutic aid to nursing home residents and sick children:

Aw, those soulful eyes. Guess what. If you scratch its face it will turn to the side you are scratching to look at you in appreciation and purr. You can feel the vibrations of the purr if you put your hand on its neck, just like a cat. Touch its whiskers and it makes an annoyed yip and turns away. Stroke its back and it will show its approval with a tail wag and squeals of delight. The makers of this $3500 toy say the noises the seal makes are an exact replica of the noises made by real baby seals in the wild. I asked if it came packaged with a club; the seal growled and a machine gun barrel protruded from its mouth. I moved on.

This is how the robot baby seal feeds recharges:

Check out the pacifier-shaped connectors. The Japanese are weird. If this had been a German product, the plug would’ve been in the ass.

Hmm, now what does this robot remind me of?

They’re coming!

What I learned from this cultural exchange:

• The Japanese are really smart.
• It says something stereotypical about the Japanese that they are leading the robot revolution.
• The Japanese are confronting their demographic implosion and xenophobia head-on by investing in robots instead of importing tens of millions of antagonistic peasants to do the work that Japanese just won’t do.
• We should be opening the borders to cute Japanese girls in pleated skirts and knee high stockings.
• Americans should be ashamed we are falling way behind the robotics race.
• Americans are no longer ashamed of things that are worthy of shame.
• The Japanese understand that a society of robots is superior to a society of lawyers.
• It would not surprise me if an unmarried Japanese-American man were the first to invent a sexbot.
• The robot in the last photo is hotter than 80% of American women.
• I’d tap that.

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