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Justice

An alert reader e-mailed me the following news report:

A BRAZILIAN woman has been ordered by the country’s Supreme Court to pay a hefty fine to her husband for failing to mention that he was not the father of two of their children.

The Rio de Janeiro woman, whose identity was not disclosed, was ordered to pay her husband over $US100,000 ($120,170) for having hidden from him for almost two decades that the children in question were fathered by a lover, the court’s offices said yesterday.

The husband also had sought damages from his wife’s lover, the court said.

I am pleased with this decision.  Although twenty years of indentured servitude raising bastard children under a fog of lies should command a much larger fine than $120K, at least this is a step in the right direction toward legal reform.  Cuckoldry is the most underrated crime infesting our supposed advanced Western cultures and only massive, crippling monetary restitution along with jail time and public shaming for the guilty will change behaviors.  Yes, it’s time to bring back the scarlet letter.  The deceitful whore who gets impregnated by a man other than her husband and then schemes to dupe him into unwanted fatherhood should have her tramp stamp replaced with a florid, Olde English crimson ‘A’.  This will practically ensure a lifetime of getting pumped and dumped with no chance for marital relief.

Such a punishment will send a strong message to all fertile-age women:  don’t marry a beta you will likely cheat on.

I dream of the day when the Lifetime channel airs a cloying tearjerker about a saintly guy who is crushed to discover his three beloved children belong to his wife’s art class instructor.  Many close-up shots of his watery eyes and trembling lips will emphasize for effect the made-for-TV message that all women are morally depraved.

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Enjoying a Sunday morning cup of coffee and reading the hilarious insults from YouTube commenters has become a treasured personal growth and productivity time sink for me.  The key to savoring truly inspired mockeries is to choose a popular video featuring an easy target.  This combination brings out the best in people.

This video by a guy riffing on the equally strange YouTube video below elicited a few choice zingers:

Is this a man or a woman? OH MY GOD THEY HAVE CROSSED HUMANS WITH FROG DNA! Jabba the Hut’s kid? Woahhhh someone slay this creature and see how much exp points you get and check for possible loots. Who is responsible for going shaolin stick fighting style on this thing’s face with branches of the ugly tree?

Go die in a fucking fire.

It looks like you ate chocolate rain, you fat ass.

dude give up ur fat, ur ugly, u got no rythym, ur fat, ur ugly, and ur fat too!!!!!!

u look like a fat fish.

Here’s the oddly compelling original video with 10 million views that spawned hundreds of spoof tributes:

When he leans away from the mic I like to pretend he’s giving me kisses!  [not really an insult but still funny]

Not bad for a 7-year old…

You look like you’re getting butt-fucked.
I like watching this with the sound off and laughing at you.

This is the end of the Internet.

ahh…. the sweet relief of nausea. This guy is a human stomach pump.

TIME OUT!!!….Is this song about diarrhea??

LOL his face is glossed with jizz

The singer in the video, Tay Zonday, tried valiantly to answer his critics but gave up after the 9,000th comment or so:

5iveX:  Ughh ur ugly and stupid.  Your voice sucks..you phail at life.

TayZonday:  Hi 5iveX! Why do you say that I’m ugly and stupid? What are you trying to communicate? Give more detail about what you dislike.

YouTube — comedy gold.

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This article about looking for love at an Obama political rally made me laugh.

 “You are likely to have similar political views, and those often cross into other things that aren’t politically affiliated,” says Colleen Kluttz, a 29-year-old TV producer who’s hitting the event tonight if work allows.

I suppose it makes intuitive sense to a politics-drenched activist like Colleen that your views on the estate tax or troop withdrawal would define who you are as a person in all areas of life, but in my experience a girl’s political opinions have zero correlation to how well we’ll get along as a lovemaking couple.  About the only time it matters is when… we’re discussing politics.

The one exception is her view on abortion, which is more religious in nature than political.  I would never bareback it with a pro-life chick.

“It [politics] will give you something to talk about. It gives you a reason to have conversations that aren’t just about yourself.”

Let me tell you, if you are discussing politics with your date, no matter how sympatico you both are, you won’t be getting laid.  The tedious, dreary world of politics engages her logical mind when you want to do exactly the opposite.  If she’s the type that can’t take a breather from braying about this or that political pet cause then she has control issues you want to avoid.

And no two people are 100% in agreement on every issue.  You spend an hour talking politics and there is bound to come up a disagreement over some by-line in the appropriations bill that kills the sexytime mood.

But what kind of guy are you going to find at an Obama rally?

“A socially conscious liberal – probably a well-dressed, well-groomed hipster,” Kluttz says.

If you want to bang this girl, your dedication to world peace won’t be enough.  You had better dress well, too.

Lindsay Schaeffer, 25, may even skip the rally for the nighttime bash.

“Look, you never meet good guys in a bar,” she reasons. “Something like this naturally weeds out the losers for you. You aren’t going to get some pickup artist at a political after-party.”

Keep telling yourself that, Lindsay.  Heh heh heh.

Every guy in the world is looking for the pickup.  Some are just more artistic in the execution than others.

One ardent Obama supporter (who declined to give his name because he works in politics) says he’ll attend both the rally and the after-party, and he doesn’t expect to be going home alone.

He’s confident for a reason.

“Let’s face it: Leftie girls are easy,” he says.

This is the conventional wisdom about leftwing girls.  When I was in college I joined both the College Democrats and the College Republicans to meet girls.  I altered or concealed my views as needed when it was personally advantageous and helped toward my goal of hooking up.  My friends and I agreed at the time with the commonly-held assumption that the Dem girls were good to go, while the Repub girls were prettier and more “well-kept”.

I learned that the conventional wisdom is onto something, but for the wrong reasons.  A lot of the leftie girls came from broken families.  Dads who vamoose make girls who are loose.  The rightie girls held out longer but when the floodgates finally opened their sexual appetites poured forth just as voraciously as their sluttier leftie sisters, if not moreso.

As for who was prettier, if I subtracted the butch lesbians from the Dem ranks and the fashion queens from the Repub ranks, I didn’t notice much daylight between the two groups of girls.  Of course, this was college, a time of life when most girls look bangable as long as they stay slim.  I think as women age the Republicans tend to stay hotter longer because of their no-nonsense fastidiousness about catering to men’s desires.

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Online Dating is Futile

During downtimes when I was too tired to go out and meet women I experimented with internet dating.  I found love from just a few custom tailored emails.  My friends think I hit the dating equivalent of the lotto.  From what I have heard, I agree.  Most guys struggle to get one positive response on dating sites.

I have predicted to myself for years that the online dating business model would collapse once men figured out it was worthless as a way to meet quality women.  That it hasn’t yet is testament to the difficulty so many men have approaching women in person.  The path of least resistance explains why hot women don’t bother developing their personalities and why men will shotgun shoot hundreds of copy/paste emails to anonymous women online.

Myspace, Match, eHarmony, CL… they all suck for the elegantly simple reason that online there are too many indiscriminate horny men and too few cute girls.  The dynamics are totally in the woman’s favor, ridiculously so in that it encourages massive self-assessment inflation that will carry over into real life social interactions, guaranteeing disappointment.

The lopsided pursuer-pursued ratio on internet dating sites gives rise to some interesting phenomena that stack the deck against any guy choosing this as his primary pickup vehicle.  The biggest obstacles for men are:

  1. Online dating is like a journey to the Island of Misfit Singles.  It’s no surprise that the virtual world warehouses sexual rejects who couldn’t cut it in public where their ugliness means they’re not even in the running.  BBWs, BBBWs, BBBBBBBBBBBBWs… you’ll find them all online, beached like a herd of walrus.  Carefully cropped 10-year-old head shots in favorable lighting are no substitute for the real deal.  Peruse Craigslist W4M and you can’t miss the fetid stench of the loser.
  2. The internet is a huge fucking ego trip for any semi-decent looking girl.  There are a lot of plain looking girls in the 4-6 range who post online profiles for the instant ego stroking.  Usually, these are girls who have just come out of bad relationships and need a quick pick-me-up before venturing out to the cutthroat competition of the clubs and bars.  Because the nature of internet courtship shifts the perceived 1-10 female attractiveness scale 5 points upward, a 4 will feel like a 9 after getting bombarded with an inbox full of e-suitors.  A great illustration of this happened with one of my ex-girlfriends.  On our first date at a local dive bar (naturally) she got nervous when two girls sat near us and, according to her, started eye-flirting with me.  The jealousy caused by other women in her field of view helped keep her ego in check, ultimately making my job easier.  But when we broke up, she quickly hit a dating site and a week later during a breakup conversation with me gloated how “over a hundred men” had responded to her online personal within hours of its posting.  I tried to explain that most of those men were nerd losers, but the damage was already done.  Her opinion of her attractiveness skyrocketed, and she spent the next six months acting like a 10 blindly turning down dates with what she thought were unworthy men and crying lonely tears on the slumped shoulder of an emasculated beta male friend.
  3. The internet masks the competition.  She wakes up the next morning to find 250 emails responding to her online profile.  She feels validated from the swarm of attention.  The problem?  In her self-absorption and the privacy of her home she does not experience the visceral impact of being one among many, despite the fact that all those guys who emailed her also emailed a thousand other women.  She has no concrete sense of her female competition online that could compare to what she would have in a bar watching men pass her over to hit on one cute girl after another.  The mindfuck of real women in her physical presence ready to pull away the attention of the man she is interested in should not be underestimated.
  4. The internet frees men to follow the Law of Truly Large Numbers and hit on anything with an ASCII pulse.  There are zero repercussions to using this strategy online, as opposed to a bar or club where being seen hitting on every girl in the place in rapid fire succession lowers the chance of notch for each subsequent pickup attempt.  In public settings, men pick and choose which girls to hit on, and this has the aggregate effect of reducing the amount of male attention the average girl receives, thus helping to keep a lid on runaway female ego bloat.

Remedies to the problems of internet pickup might include requirements for embedded video of 360 degree full body posing, alerts to let the women know when guys in their queue have emailed other girls, and “virtual girl friends” that can vouch for guys to interested women.

For the eternal optimist, there are online exceptions to the bleak picture I’ve painted above:

Jdate – Insular, selective, niche market serving a group historically bonded by blood as well as cultural ties.  That is why it “works” (i.e., guys have an easier time getting laid) better than the mainstream sites.  That is also why, for example, a Catholic version will never work as successfully; Catholicism isn’t an ethnic religion and there are too many of them to maintain a cohesive online dating community.  Plus, Catholics love to rebel against their parents.  Dating outside the religion is one of the sacraments.  I have friends who use Jdate with great results.

Nonconformist chicks – Less interested in a man’s material possessions or job status, these types of girls flock to internet sites like Myspace and CL to find artists and iconoclasts.  The medium suits their filtering mechanism well; a witty email or clever profile is hard to fake.  They also tend to have low self-esteem which offsets the ego swelling effects of online exposure.

Fatties – The internet is great for banging fatties.  With 70% of American women overweight, so is everywhere else, including a cardboard box.

Married chicks – Craigslist made cheating a whole hell of a lot more convenient.

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If the variety of porn is any indication, most guys are capable of acting out the craziest atrocities fantasies in the bedroom.  But the appeal of some bizarre porn niches baffles me.

Drinking cum out of a glass
Grossout rating: 8
Worse than that scene in Rocky where he gulps raw eggs.  Jizz should not be drunk like a cocktail, no matter how strawberry-kissed the lips slurping it down.

Sexual perversion rating: 9
Where is the turn-on here?  There’s no hot humiliation aspect a la facials, and the girl is making gurgling noises and grimacing while choking back the slime.  Usually the camera is zoomed in on her mouth, which means her naked body in the background isn’t visually available to distract from the repulsiveness of her cumchugging.  You’d have to be a world class pervert to get aroused watching this spectacle.

Two guys one girl
Grossout rating: 2-10 (highly variable on male to male physical contact)
There’s a reason why male porn actors get little face time and are reduced to mere functional genitalia to occupy the woman’s orifices — guys don’t want to see hairy, sweaty naked dudes obstructing the view of the girl any more than is necessary to get the coital point across.  Two of them is just double the obstruction.  And if one of them happens to misfire and accidentally shoot his load into the face of the other guy, well… let’s just say I would need many MANY fucking years of therapy after watching that.

Sexual perversion rating: 4
Judging by its internet popularity, the fantasy of two men shish kabobing a woman isn’t uncommon.  But if scrotums start commingling, cocks start touching, or male body parts start incidentally rubbing against each other, the perversion rating zooms up to 10 if you’re a straight guy.  It drops to 1 if you’re gay.

Cum swapping
Grossout rating: 5-8 (depends on volume of transfer)
This is right up there with the cum cocktails.  I dunno, a girl spitting skeet into the mouth of another girl doesn’t seem like a visual treat to me.  Maybe I’m sexually repressed?

Sexual perversion rating: 6
Beyond missionary, not quite a sheisse vid, cum swapping exemplifies de rigueur perversion.

Bukkake
Grossout rating: 7
Plus: facial.  Minus: cascading sheets of semen.

Sexual perversion rating: 7
I suppose an argument could be made that where one is good, one hundred is better.

Frat house voyeurism
Grossout rating: 4
More annoying than gross.

Sexual perversion rating: 5
Lord knows I understand the thrill of fucking in public, so porn dedicated to that popular perversion makes sense.  But fucking in front of a roomful of drunk fratboys whooping like retards and giving play by plays?  This turns me off faster than watching The View.  I suspect the LNS crowd digs this stuff.

Machine/medical instruments sex
Grossout rating: 5
The inside of a vagina should not see the light of day.

Sexual perversion rating: 5
Eh, uninspiring.  Makes me empathize with an ob/gyn visit.  Props to the Sybian, though.  Ten bucks those girls are really getting off!

Do my wife
Grossout rating: 1
Not gross, just disturbing.

Sexual perversion rating: 7
When I’m watching a good fuck, I don’t want to see some guy playing the husband character sitting in a nearby chair and pretending to be emotionally distraught as his “wife” gets pounded by one of the bang bros.  Seriously, what kind of dweeb goes in for the cuckold fantasy?  Obviously someone who has DEEP fucking insecurities and wrestles control over them through whacking off to adultery porn.  If I’m gonna identify with anyone it’ll be the pool boy, not the sap, natch.  Now stop crying, bitch, and hand me your wife’s speculum.

Asslicking
Grossout rating: 10
Falls under the category of “Can never get clean enough”.

Sexual perversion rating: 8 (her ass), 10 (his ass)
Hey, you’ll find no bigger aficionado of anal than me, but there’s a world of difference between plowing her with my tool and getting her dingleberries caught in my teeth.  Girls don’t shit wafer thin mints, so how is licking her anus supposed to be fun?  I pray I never shake hands with a guy who gets off on asslicking porn.  And porn where the girl licks the guy’s carpeted asshole?  Sweet fancy moses, why don’t you just reach in the bowl and eat his log, scatgirl?

Squirting
Grossout rating: 3
No, I don’t mean natural squirting, which is a beautiful act of humanity.  I mean the supersoaker squirting where they fill the girl’s pussy up with a gallon of skim milk and let ‘er rip.  Exaggerating the normal bodily functions is pretty much the byline of porn, but twisting it into a ridiculous caricature of the real thing is a complete turnoff.

Sexual perversion rating: 3
Enjoying the sight of a girl squirting is perfectly normal.  Enjoying the sight of a girl vomiting out of her vagina is slightly perverted.  For guys who like this, I suspect childbirth regression issues.

What’s going on here I think is that straight sex is no longer enough for a segment of the male population.  The bar of deviancy is constantly being raised to the point that foreplay includes golden showers.  I predict women will continue to dress and act sluttier so as to satisfy the ever-growing demands of porn-raised generations of men.

Coincidentally, paternity testing will also rise.

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Reading about these horror stories left a bad taste in my mouth:

Patrick Connaro, a 42-year-old robotics engineer living in Colorado Springs, was sitting in the bleachers one warm Saturday afternoon in 2003, watching his son’s Little League game, when the ground opened beneath him.

“My little boy was there, he was up at bat, and I started yelling for him, ‘Go Matthew [not his real name]! Knock it out of the park!’ And another man started screaming for Matthew. Louder than me. I looked over, and I looked at him, and I was like, Who is this guy? And I looked at my son, and I looked at him … and they were identical.”

After the ball game, Connaro ordered a paternity test. The results came back 2 weeks later. “I opened up the letter from Labcorp, and it said, ‘ … 99.9 percent chance you are not the biological father of this child.’ I started crying. My head started spinning.”

Patrick, good provider beta male, dutiful husband, and doting father, was cuckolded by his wife and spent years of his life raising another man’s child.  Would his wife, whom he knew so well and loved so deeply for her outer and inner beauty, ever own up to her monumental lie?

Connaro admits that the possibility had crossed his mind before, given his son’s dissimilar facial features, but each time he questioned his wife about it, she vehemently denied the suggestion. Even when he showed her the test results, she still denied it. “She said, ‘You forged this,’ ” Connaro recalls, shaking his head in amazement.

Ethicists are baffled!

Cuckoldry is, at least from the gene’s point of view, the worst thing that can befall a man outside of getting killed.  We are here on this earth to serve one purpose — the propagation of our genes.  Everything we do is either designed to push us toward that goal or is a byproduct of that purpose.  So when a wife cheats on a husband, bears another man’s child, and then monopolizes the time and resources of her husband toward the raising of that child, she has stolen his reproductive sovereignty just as surely as hers would be stolen if she got pregnant by a male rapist and was forced to raise a child she didn’t want.

She has committed the equivalent of female rape.

While rape is associated with horrible physical trauma which mercifully lasts for minutes on average, cuckoldry embodies the lower-intensity but longer-duration physical trauma of exerting oneself for years to accumulate resources for child rearing.  Psychologically, both are traumatic.  In fact, cuckoldry is actually worse than rape in one noteworthy respect — opportunity cost.  A woman raising a rapist’s child is still propagating her genes, unlike a cuckolded man who propagates nothing for the time he is deceived into raising a bastard child.

Keep in mind that a man’s resources are equivalent to a woman’s body.  Both are the bread and butter of their respective sexes for fulfilling the prime directive of DNA replication.  Rape is universally despised because the violation cuts right to the core of a woman’s essence.  Cuckoldry does the same to a man, so why is it not nearly as universally despised?  Where are the marches and policy discussions and gender studies departments to right the wrongs of cuckoldry?

The answer is simple.  In genetic terms, men are expendable, and this deeply rooted awareness trickles up into the social and political sphere where indifference to male issues rules the day.  If you think the indifference stems from the low incidence of cuckoldry, think again:

And research shows that it’s a lot more common than we might believe.

After recently reviewing 67 studies on the subject, University of Oklahoma researchers found that PD rates tend to be much higher among men who have reason to believe there’s been more than one dog in the yard. No surprise there. But leave out these men and you end up with a number that can safely be assumed to represent the rest of us. That number is 3.85 percent. Another review of 19 studies by a group at Liverpool John Moores University backs this up, putting the figure at 3.7 percent of dads. It may not seem like a lot—until you do the math. According to a 2005 U.S. Census Bureau report, there are 27,940,000 fathers nationwide with a child under 18. That means over a million guys out there are taking care of some other man’s kid.

This number is about 10X higher than the number of forcible rapes committed against females in 2005.

So what are we, as a just and moral nation, doing about this epidemic of reproductive theft?  Well, according to the article, forget about doctors giving their help to the forces of light; they are in on the fix.

The fact is, the overwhelming majority of physicians will not tell a man the truth about PD.

“Most doctors are going to say to themselves, Jeez, I don’t want to cause a problem in this family by disclosing this information that I just stumbled across,” says Alan Meisel, J.D., director of the Center for Bioethics and Health Law at the University of Pittsburgh. “Why create problems if I don’t have to?”

And the law?  Men are being forced to pay child support for children not their own.  As usual, the law is an ass.

My solution to the scourge of cuckoldry is quite simple, which means it will never be implemented.  A marital pre-nup should require all mothers submit to a paternity test upon the birth of any children.  If paternity is verified, pass the cigars.  If not, the man has the legally sanctioned choice to immediately leave his wife with ZERO obligations, financial or otherwise, plus the wife will be required to remit his portion of the investment in her during her pregnancy.  A deal is a deal.

If the law raises the stakes for women intent on committing cuckoldry, there may be some blowback in the form of women opting to forego marriage to a beta provider entirely if she cannot exercise her historical option of getting him to foot the bill for the product of her indiscretion with the bass player.  While this structural change in the mating system may be bad for the health of society as a whole, for the individual unfortunate betas, this side effect at least affords them a chance to improve themselves as men without being saddled with unwanted fatherhood.

Like rape, cuckoldry is the soulkilling dis.  Women who commit these vile acts and then perpetuate them with lies piled atop of lies ought to be shunned — culturally, legally, and financially.  They do not even deserve the courtesy of a kiss while getting pumped and dumped.  If they don’t experience painful consequences for their actions, nothing will change.

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one trilogy later j. bourne still on the run
can’t figure out where he’s from
walks away from ten car crashes
with just a hollywood cut on his eyelashes
action intense, girls burning in their crotches
who doesn’t dig flawed good guys with kill notches?
matt damon getting a little pudgy in the face
but ladies love him how bout dem apples, ace
he’s rockin’ the CIA black ops guys in style
ps: best BJ lips in the biz on julia stiles
word of warning to those with vertigo
camera shaking make you dizzy avoid the front row.

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