Bartender Hush Money

I have two or three favorite bars/lounges I like to take dates.  I’d prefer to be more creative but logistics are just as important as venue atmosphere, so I always wind up asking girls to meet me at the same few bars.  I live in an area densely packed with nightlife locations so it’s easy to arrange dates within walking distance of my place.  It makes no sense for me to meet a girl at some swank new bar halfway across town because its heavy red drapes and array of candles look like it would facilitate the seduction process, when the best way to smoothly seduce her is to have her meet me at a place 20 yards from my front door.

Making return trips to the same bar with a different girl each time earns me knowing looks and smirks from the staff.  I got a high five once and an “alriiiight romeo!” prompting my date to ask what that was all about.  The bartender looked a little sheepish recognizing the bind he had put me in and quickly made up an acceptable story on the spot.  I tipped him big.

Tipping generously means either future free drinks or hush money.  It’s not necessary, of course, if you’re on friendly terms with the bar staff, but occasionally a new hire who doesn’t know you will need to have his or her palm greased to ensure their bar remains a safe haven for your player activities.  Female bartenders are more difficult to bring on board because not only do they feel a remote obligation to protect the delicacies of their fellow sisters, but they will often become intrigued by you and your parade of girls.  And female intrigue leads to jealousy leads to sabotage.  You never want to have a woman conspiring against you because their skills of sabotage are far superior to men’s.  You might leave for the bathroom for a minute and when you get back your date is interrogating you about your relationship history.

The worst thing you can do is tip poorly.  If you have alligator arms when it comes time to reach for your wallet you will never hear back from dates you bring to that bar.  Like it or not, tipping is a status marker and payola.  Tip well, and you’ll find bartenders talking up your accomplishments and coolness and your date running her finger along the lip of her glass.  Nothing beats third party endorsement.

Read Full Post »

Why I Date Younger Girls

Clarification: 
*By younger, I mean 5+ years younger than me and legal.  Pervs.
*By older, I mean closer to my age (not more than 4 years younger) and up.

Younger
Met a girl for a date at a county park.  She had arrived first and was sitting on a swing.  I pushed the swing before either of us exchanged any words.  She wheee-ed with joy.  I then chased her around parked cars in the parking lot.

Older
Asked a girl to meet me at the park for frisbee.  She declined, saying she didn’t want to step in dog poop.

Younger
Made out passionately with her and digitally aroused her under a streetlamp at 4AM.

Older
She told me “could you please close the blinds before we start?” when we were about to have sex.

Younger
Talked about double-headed dildos.

Older
Talked about the housing market.

Younger
Ordered a beer.  And then another.  And another.  And another.

Older
Returned the hummus because it wasn’t the right consistency.

Younger
Squealed happily with faux indignation when I called her a brat.

Older
Got seriously offended when I called her a brat.

Younger
Was completely open to visiting new places and trying novel things on dates.

Older
Had to be home by 11 for a big meeting the next morning.

Younger
Multi-orgasmic.

Older
Artificial lubrication required.

Younger
Firm, smooth flesh.  Naturally moistened lips.  Excellent buttock musculature.

Older
Spongy, chemically exfoliated flesh.  Addicted to chapstick.  Buttocks showing signs of weariness.

Younger
Loves spontaneously.

Older
Rations her emotions.

Younger women… it’s my only weakness.

Read Full Post »

Paying for Dates

I’m surprised guys still struggle with the question of who pays on dates.  It seems to be a perennial issue that never gets satisfactorily resolved.  There’s a simple solution that skirts the problem entirely — don’t take her on traditional dates that cost more than a few bucks.

This isn’t so much about saving money as it is about avoiding the impression that you are buying her approval.  Although all girls say they like it when a guy pays for them on dates (some even demand it on principle), the reality is that she will subconsciously slightly downgrade your status if you are quick to spend on her.  The amount you are downgraded is directly proportional to the amount and eagerness with which you pay for her company.  A fancy dinner followed by dessert and cocktails that costs you $100 will get you no further with a girl than if you had bought her a single beer.  In fact, it may even hurt your chances.

Leave the dinners and special nights out for girls you are already banging.

My favorite types of dates are ones where she accompanies me on a shopping excursion in boutique shops around the city.  Consignment shops are great for showing my fun side where we dress up in retro clothes and role play.  Cost of this date = zero dollars.  My standard date 1 and date 2 routine is a chill lounge or dive bar on a weeknight.  Drinks for both of us will run me $30 tops.  Usually it is less because she will buy a round or two.

There is only one thing worse than coming across as a guy who must buy girls’ affections, and that is looking like a cheap fuck.  Don’t make a big production out of deciding who pays for drinks.  Buy the first round, but frame it in a way that elevates your status.  A foolproof way to do this is to ask her what she’s having, and as you’re getting up to go to the bar to order, say with a grin

“I’ll get this round, and you can get the next hundred rounds.  Top shelf liquor only, please.  I have standards.”

A few words can send a lot of subtle messages.  Saying the above demonstrates that you don’t really care who is paying, but you’ll have some fun with the situation anyhow.  It also shows you are not buying her drinks to appease her and won’t be the type of guy who gets used like a walking ATM, yet still pays homage to human nature and the deep desire of women to see resource displays in the men they are considering for sex.

When you have lightened the mood like this she will enthusiastically buy the next round.  Congratulate yourself.  Getting a girl to buy you something, even a small thing like a drink, creates the feeling in her that she has invested in you, and therefore she will assume you must be worthy of her investment.  When she buys you a summer home in Tuscany she will have no choice but to fall in love with you.

Read Full Post »

The Lawyer Vs the Nanny

Here is a comparison of two girls I briefly dated.

Girl A

• occasionally tossed out five dollar words like “antinomian”
• never spoke about her job in detail or hinted that she liked it
• talked more than once about the school she attended and about her father’s accomplishments
• i paid for her drinks
• noticed my brand of watch
• smiled a lot
• had artsy photographs hanging on her walls
• on the way to my bedroom the first time she saw a pile of my dirty clothes on the floor and made a face
• skipped foreplay, went straight to gatling gun-style jackhammer sex
• assumed the doggy position unprompted

Girl B

• liked to kiss more than talk
• bought me drinks
• made me dinner with a table setting of wine candles and flowers
• never mentioned her father
• was bilingual
• took pictures with her digital camera and emailed them to me
• on the way to my bedroom the first time she giggled as I carried her
• much foreplay followed by lovemaking in front of a wall-length mirror where we watched ourselves
• was married and hid it from me
• said she loved me

Guess which girl was the six figure corporate lawyer and which was the nanny studying psychology part time at grad school.

I think it’s interesting how much of a girl’s personality and femininity I can predict based on her career.

ANSWER:
A – lawyer.

Lawyers are way too calculating to say they love you after only a short while dating.

Read Full Post »

Thursdays Rule

In the quest to uncover any hidden patterns in my dating experiences that might help me streamline operations, I’ve done a back of the cocktail napkin calculation of the total number of girls I’ve dated that led to intimate relations, assorted by which days I first met those girls.  I wanted to see if some days were better for meeting a slutty sexually responsive pool of available women.

Obviously, having a good memory is a factor in this analysis, but as a man I found it a lot easier to remember the exact day I met a girl I would eventually bang than it is to remember, for example, my niece’s name.

The following table shows the percentage of total intimacies by the day of the week that the successful pickup first began.

Day of First Meet                 Percent of Total Lays
Monday                                       5%
Tuesday                                      10%
Wednesday                                  0%  (!)
Thursday                                    30%
Friday                                         25%
Saturday                                     15%
Sunday                                        15%

I was a bit surprised by Wednesday’s goose egg.  Maybe this is dumb coincidence or faulty memory, or hump day (behold irony) is a black hole of suckage for meeting girls.  Is Wednesday Desperate Housewives night?  I wouldn’t know.

Friday’s results were predictable as more single girls go out on that night than any other by my guess, providing a richer target environment, but Saturday put up a less than stellar showing.  For all its pomp and circumstance as a great hookup night, Saturday actually blows.  It’s a date night for one, and the hordes of desperate men who didn’t meet anyone Friday night give it the old college try again on Saturday, smothering the good vibes with their massive sausage invasion.

Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday have been good considering their reputations as lonely barfly nights devoid of girls, but two things I’ve learned over the years are that any girl going out on an off-night is seriously looking to hook up (double hookup points if she braves it on a rainy weeknight) and logistics are favorable for you to take a girl home that night because weeknight venue patrons are more likely to be local.  Also, it doesn’t hurt that the venues aren’t swarming with drunk Axe-wearing clones.  Just be sure to avoid those bars that cater to the kickball flip cupper crowd.

For some reason, a lot of European women go out for drinks on Sundays and Mondays.

Thursday gets crowned Notch Night of the Week.  It has the best mix of quality and quantity, with just enough of a scene to make things interesting, yet suitably laid back to appeal to the types of women who don’t parade around clubs holding their girlfriend’s hands like circus elephants.  This is one of the great advantages to living in the city — rolling out on a Thursday night is not such a chore.

Conclusion:  there is selective filtering in action based on day of the week.  Quieter nights will have fewer opportunities, but the leads are stronger.  Busier nights have more opportunities, but on average they are weaker.  The best night is the one that strikes a balance between numbers and receptiveness.

Day game is limited to Saturday and Sunday, so unless you are unemployed and can spend all week trolling for other unemployed girls, it’s pointless to draw any lessons from the number of girls you have picked up during the daytime.

Read Full Post »

Online Dating is Futile

During downtimes when I was too tired to go out and meet women I experimented with internet dating.  I found love from just a few custom tailored emails.  My friends think I hit the dating equivalent of the lotto.  From what I have heard, I agree.  Most guys struggle to get one positive response on dating sites.

I have predicted to myself for years that the online dating business model would collapse once men figured out it was worthless as a way to meet quality women.  That it hasn’t yet is testament to the difficulty so many men have approaching women in person.  The path of least resistance explains why hot women don’t bother developing their personalities and why men will shotgun shoot hundreds of copy/paste emails to anonymous women online.

Myspace, Match, eHarmony, CL… they all suck for the elegantly simple reason that online there are too many indiscriminate horny men and too few cute girls.  The dynamics are totally in the woman’s favor, ridiculously so in that it encourages massive self-assessment inflation that will carry over into real life social interactions, guaranteeing disappointment.

The lopsided pursuer-pursued ratio on internet dating sites gives rise to some interesting phenomena that stack the deck against any guy choosing this as his primary pickup vehicle.  The biggest obstacles for men are:

1. Online dating is like a journey to the Island of Misfit Singles.  It’s no surprise that the virtual world warehouses sexual rejects who couldn’t cut it in public where their ugliness means they’re not even in the running.  BBWs, BBBWs, BBBBBBBBBBBBWs… you’ll find them all online, beached like a herd of walrus.  Carefully cropped 10-year-old head shots in favorable lighting are no substitute for the real deal.  Peruse Craigslist W4M and you can’t miss the fetid stench of the loser.
2. The internet is a huge fucking ego trip for any semi-decent looking girl.  There are a lot of plain looking girls in the 4-6 range who post online profiles for the instant ego stroking.  Usually, these are girls who have just come out of bad relationships and need a quick pick-me-up before venturing out to the cutthroat competition of the clubs and bars.  Because the nature of internet courtship shifts the perceived 1-10 female attractiveness scale 5 points upward, a 4 will feel like a 9 after getting bombarded with an inbox full of e-suitors.  A great illustration of this happened with one of my ex-girlfriends.  On our first date at a local dive bar (naturally) she got nervous when two girls sat near us and, according to her, started eye-flirting with me.  The jealousy caused by other women in her field of view helped keep her ego in check, ultimately making my job easier.  But when we broke up, she quickly hit a dating site and a week later during a breakup conversation with me gloated how “over a hundred men” had responded to her online personal within hours of its posting.  I tried to explain that most of those men were nerd losers, but the damage was already done.  Her opinion of her attractiveness skyrocketed, and she spent the next six months acting like a 10 blindly turning down dates with what she thought were unworthy men and crying lonely tears on the slumped shoulder of an emasculated beta male friend.
3. The internet masks the competition.  She wakes up the next morning to find 250 emails responding to her online profile.  She feels validated from the swarm of attention.  The problem?  In her self-absorption and the privacy of her home she does not experience the visceral impact of being one among many, despite the fact that all those guys who emailed her also emailed a thousand other women.  She has no concrete sense of her female competition online that could compare to what she would have in a bar watching men pass her over to hit on one cute girl after another.  The mindfuck of real women in her physical presence ready to pull away the attention of the man she is interested in should not be underestimated.
4. The internet frees men to follow the Law of Truly Large Numbers and hit on anything with an ASCII pulse.  There are zero repercussions to using this strategy online, as opposed to a bar or club where being seen hitting on every girl in the place in rapid fire succession lowers the chance of notch for each subsequent pickup attempt.  In public settings, men pick and choose which girls to hit on, and this has the aggregate effect of reducing the amount of male attention the average girl receives, thus helping to keep a lid on runaway female ego bloat.

Remedies to the problems of internet pickup might include requirements for embedded video of 360 degree full body posing, alerts to let the women know when guys in their queue have emailed other girls, and “virtual girl friends” that can vouch for guys to interested women.

For the eternal optimist, there are online exceptions to the bleak picture I’ve painted above:

Jdate – Insular, selective, niche market serving a group historically bonded by blood as well as cultural ties.  That is why it “works” (i.e., guys have an easier time getting laid) better than the mainstream sites.  That is also why, for example, a Catholic version will never work as successfully; Catholicism isn’t an ethnic religion and there are too many of them to maintain a cohesive online dating community.  Plus, Catholics love to rebel against their parents.  Dating outside the religion is one of the sacraments.  I have friends who use Jdate with great results.

Nonconformist chicks – Less interested in a man’s material possessions or job status, these types of girls flock to internet sites like Myspace and CL to find artists and iconoclasts.  The medium suits their filtering mechanism well; a witty email or clever profile is hard to fake.  They also tend to have low self-esteem which offsets the ego swelling effects of online exposure.

Fatties – The internet is great for banging fatties.  With 70% of American women overweight, so is everywhere else, including a cardboard box.

Married chicks – Craigslist made cheating a whole hell of a lot more convenient.

Read Full Post »

Plowing

In the movies and in the popular imagination, persistence pays off.  The guy who chases and won’t take no for an answer eventually wins the love of the girl.  In real life, persistence is just a nice word for creepiness.  Guys who pursue women with great ardor are always losing the girl to guys who don’t answer her phone calls right away and keep her guessing.

But persistence *can* work if done right.  I used to give up on girls as soon as they hit me with roadblocks to our dating progress, resulting in a lot of first and second dates that never got to sex.  Eventually I learned that girls will bitch about at least one thing at any stage of dating up until insertion because it is their way of culling the weak men whose self-confidence cannot withstand the tumult.

A little bit of persistence is effective as long as, one, there was a spark of attraction to begin with and, two, it comes from a place of non-neediness.  If you must chase a girl, always do it with a cocky grin and the mentality that if she doesn’t get on board with your program it’s no big loss.  If she accuses you of some dating breach, turn the tables on her.  With girls, offense is the best defense.

An example of persistence succeeding occurred with a girl I dated a while back.  The day after our second date I had this phone conversation with her. 

Her:  I don’t think another date is a good idea.
Me:  Where does this come from?
Her:  I dunno, you said some things about my job that I didn’t like.

This girl was good-looking so I had no intention of letting her drop unceremoniously without a fight.  But getting apologetic wouldn’t have worked.  “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it, you took it the wrong way” would have sent her running even faster. 

Me:  Next time I’ll hold up a placard.
Her:  A placard?
Me:  Yeah, a placard announcing my jokes before I make them, like, here comes a joke!  I understand, sometimes they are missed.  This way, if I tell you about a joke beforehand there’s no risk of a cute misunderstanding.
Her:  [laugh]  Yeah, that might help.
Me:  The truth is, I love your job.  It reminds me of meadows and bunnies.

What I actually did or did not say about her job was irrelevant in my world.  I plowed through her second thoughts as if the substance of her argument was beside the point, simultaneously assuming we would meet again and belittling her grievance.  Directly engaging her complaint like a debate team nerd would’ve sounded cloyingly desperate, so I evaded and in the process forced her into my mental framework.  I only threw her a bone… “I love your job”… after I had steered the conversation in the direction of my choosing.  Had I caved to her reservations, months of fantastic sex with her and all those fond memories would never have happened.

Like seduction itself, persistence is half arrogance, half marketing.  You want to get your point across without actually saying how you feel.

Read Full Post »