Overheard At The Disco

“Gym muscles. All bark, no wood. Get back to me when you’re clearing boulders and hoisting A-frames and your Amish wife is shitting your tenth child into one hand while scrubbing your tighty-whiteys on a washboard with the other.”

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Goodbye America In A Photo

This post is the start of a series featuring photos from readers that best distill the essence of a nation in decline. Our virgin Goodbye America photo entry is from reader Kyo,

OT for the “Goodbye America” crowd: the nation encapsulated in the background of one photo. Michelle Obama is giving a speech full of the usual retread anti-racist pablum at a high school.

On the right is a woman who looks to be in a state of delirious ecstasy to be where she is.

On the left is an unhappy man clapping because he’s read his Solzhenitsyn and knows what happens when people don’t clap when the regime wants them to.

Welcome to the dawn of the age of race cuckoldry!

Obviously, we can’t know for certain from looking at a photo what’s going through a person’s head, but if facial expressions could talk… abject prostration, from both the man and woman, comes to mind.

It’s amazing how quickly a nation can fall from world-bestriding power and faith in itself to a caricature of cultural collapse and masochistic submission. In a single lifetime, America will have gone from a roomful of 26 year old wunderkinds launching man into space and onto the moon, to a nation of whiny infants crying about privilege and microaggressions and wondering how to make a living with their liberal arts degrees.

Readers are welcome to submit their own Goodbye America photos. At the end of the year, winners will be announced. Do you have the photo that “sez it all” about post-America? Submit it to CH and make sure you watch this space from poolside!

 

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Amish Facebook

Commenter “The Burninator” muses about what an Amish Facebook page would look like.

I can’t imagine an Amish girl’s FB page.

Her:

“Today I churned butter with mama.”

Like 1

Amish father:

“Get back to work, girl!”

Like 124

😆

You have to hand it to the Amish. They have the preternatural ability to avoid corruption by the pozzed American dysculture while living in the belly of the beast. Part of the reason is the “boiling off” selection effect that results from their rite of passage known as Rumspringa, which assures that the Amish left in the community evolve the personality traits to successfully deter outside influence.

Another reason has to be hard work. Toiling in the fields or the farmhouse tires a body and mind so thoroughly that social media distractions become less tempting. The Amish are preoccupied with survival and community. The non-Amish are preoccupied with white privilege and gay weddings.

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Jessica Valenti, Ur-Feminist, Understands Sociosexual Hierarchy… Of Cats

the cat gives me tingles.

She sounds relieved that there’s finally an alpha male in her marriage to whom she can submit. The job was apparently open…

Woman up front, man in back, just the way she likes it.

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Predictors Of Marital Infidelity Among Kenyan Women

Study of the Year material here. You’ll laugh, you’ll nod knowingly, you’ll thank god you weren’t born in Kenya.

The prevalence of extra-marital partnerships among women was 6.2% within a reference time of six months. Factors that were independently associated with increased likelihood of extra-marital partnerships were domestic violence (aOR, 1.45; 95% CI 1.09–1.92), women reporting being denied a preferred sex position (aOR, 3.34; 95% CI 1.26–8.84) and spouse longer erect penis (aOR, 1.34; 95% CI 1.00–1.78). Conversely, women’s age – more than 24years (aOR, 0.33; 95% CI 0.14–0.78) and women’s increased sexual satisfaction (aOR, 0.92; 95% CI 0.87–0.96) were associated with reduced likelihood of extra-marital partnerships.

Domestic violence, denial of a preferred sex positions, longer erect penis, younger age and increased sexual satisfaction were the main predictors of women’s involvement in extra-marital partnerships. Integration of sex education, counselling and life skills training in couple HIV prevention programs might help in risk reduction.

The first positive predictor of cheating whoredom — domestic violence — is likely mixing up cause and effect. Husbands who think they’ve been cuckolded by slutty wives are more likely to lash out violently to keep them in line. The rest are both predictable and hilarious. Women not getting off with their husbands cheat more. No surprise. Younger women with more sexual market options cheat more. Again, no surprise to any guest of Le Chateau.

The longer penis association with wifely infidelity is way out of left field. Apparently, penile enlargement remedies are a big thing (heh) in Kenya. But their women canna only take so much, captain!

“…some penis may be large yet my vagina is small, when he tries to insert it inside, it hurts so much that I will have to look for another man who has a smaller one [penis] and can do it in a way I can enjoy”

Are monster dicks more of a visual turn-on for women than a tactile turn-on? (Personal CH experience wielding the boomstick says both.) Or are black women as tight as Chinese finger trap?

The study also points up the importance of keeping your wife sexually satisfied if you don’t want her dreaming of trysts in the tall brown bush (heh!).

“Some [men] just take a minute and leaves you there when you are still ‘hanging’… You cannot even tell if this thing is over or still continuing. Sometime we aren‘t satisfied yet we can‘t explain it [to our partners]. However, when we get men who can satisfy us, we do not waste such chances. For a woman to be ready and get sexual satisfaction usually takes time. Yet he has some high sexual desire and can just finish very fast before you understand how. We are left wondering and can be very happy if we can get someone who can do it better and makes you feel that your body is satisfied. I can just continue with him because his sex is sweet and your husband can then do it on short time basis”

So much for the myth of black male sexual prowess. To be fair, Kenyans are only one type of black. Maybe West Africans can go all night. Gotta love that wife’s rationalization for her cheating: “My lover has a slow hand, which gives me many orgasms so that I’m spent and don’t feel like demanding too much from my two-pumps-and-done husband.”

AIDS is rife in Kenya. Not coincidentally, 6.2% of Kenyan wives cheated within the study’s time span of six months. That’s actually a formidable number when you consider that Kenyan men are world-class cheaters. Add up all the dalliances and condom refusals and it’s no wonder Africa is getting the HIV shiv.

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Matt Yglesias And Ezra Klein Are New Media Manly Icons

Fed up with public perception of new media “journolism” as a bastion of blushing hermaphrodites opening up about their day to day experiences having sex with themselves, Matt Yglesias and Ezra Klein have teamed up to inject a healthy dose of raw masculinity into the discourse with their unique brand of confident swagger. Check out the introductory video at their swole SWPL venture, Vox.

The days of “vegetable and spinach” news are over. These men (and one manlike-woman) are ready to tackle the challenges of regurgitating liberal opinions in a fresher font. Vox’s headquarters in Washington, DC, like Ezra’s suit jacket, are oversized with room for muscular growth. Matt Yglesias dresses with a dash of panache, a talent he honed after years of feedback from admiring Logan Circle homosexuals. His proudly nasal vocal fry resonates with the spirit of ancient valley girl warrioresses, and practically demands your attention, like nails on a chalkboard.

This is alpha male territory you’ve entered. There’s a new kid on the vox, and he takes no guff, and will do as he pleases, including plaster stickers all over his Macbook in a show of countercultural defiance. The Vox Man is a gender nonconformist man of principle; if you don’t like the news he gives you, he’ll break all the rules and give you the news you want. Yeah Matt! Titty bump!

Ezra Klein… do the men get any realer? Here’s a big swinging dick crashing your stale news cycle. So big, he has to cross his legs for decorum. Eyes up here, right Ezra? Say goodbye to getting only 24% of the news; News Team Vox can actually just put the information there for you. Confused? Don’t think too much. Just take a sip from Vox’s juice box of testosterone. Rest easy that Ezra is signaling to the right sort of white people — people like YOU — with his standing workstation.

And when you’re all done getting the unfiltered opinions of rugged Ivy Leaguers with a worldly perspective that can only be gained from living in whitified urban neighborhoods where a new Pan-Asian restaurant opens every week, you can send a thank you to News Team Vox for their trailblazing balls-to-the-wall approach to taking on the old media dinosaur of aggregator hyperlinking:

You stay classy, internet!

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The Millennial Generation Motto

Via fellow sadists, the most Millennial statement ever put to print is:

“Here’s why that’s a problem.”

Pathological solipsism and mile wide but inch deep self-esteem are a bad combo. The id of the Millennial Like Me Generation is a furry suit wrapping a toddler. If normalcy and personal responsibility offend the Millennial, it will make sure you know, in poopytalk, how that’s a problem. Help the Millennial feel less like a reject; validate its problems.

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