Le Chateau Goes Stand-Up

I’m happy to inform guests of dishonor that the campaign to infiltrate polite society with the secretive butthex teachings of the Chateau is under way. A reader writes:

I think you speak the truth about men and women.

A few weeks ago I read your post about drawing smiley faces on your girl’s tampons, and I loved it so much I worked it in to my stand up routine.

The link to me performing is here – it’s all about how to save your marriage.  The second point, about improving your sex life (with your wife) you might think is a bit beta, but I wanted to work in the stuff about not wanting it to be over quickly, and it does tap in to a widely held view.

I wish you the best – you are doing God’s work in educating men about women.

The beta stuff isn’t bothersome. I consider it a Trojan Horse to sneak in alpha wisdom. All comedians know that packaging scandalous truths in pretty bows is sometimes the best way to condition the audience’s receptiveness to the thoughtcrimes about to pop out like a jerk-in-the-box.

Anyhow, you can watch the vid below. I’d say it’s NSFW, but only because your female boss is a raging feminist who is envious that men are funnier than women.

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Friendzoned By A Whore

A more nauseating example of inept betatude would be hard to find. Reader Will sent a link to this plaintive wail from a forum member (I have no idea what communities these forums are meant to serve) who is perplexed that a whore he visits regularly no longer sees him “that way”.

been seeing the same prostitute for a few months. Lost my virginity to her, only person I’ve ever fucked. She’s semi attractive and not too expensive. Normally do it in a hotel but I can’t afford it and just invite her back to my place. We fuck for the amount of time I paid for. Just as she is about to leave she sees my dvd of an old film called “a matter of life and death”. Says thats her favourite film, asks if she can watch it. We watch a film together, we don’t do anything. She phones up the next day and asks if I want to hang out. When we meet up I ask if I can have sex with her. She tells me no, because she thinks we have gotten too close. asks if we can be friends. Did I get friendzoned by a prostitute? What can i do to fuck her again?

To be LJBFed by a whore is quite an accomplishment. It’s like a restaurant manager turning away a thundering herd of famished NAAFA members. Some people are so disgusted by their clientele they’re willing to take a hit to the bottom line.

Let’s suspend disbelief about the anecdote above for a moment so that we can extract the valuable game lessons contained therein.

1. Girls who see you as long-term boyfriend material will be less likely to put out for you in a timely manner.

2. Girls who have fucked you but begin to have feelings for you will start to withhold sex in hopes that an emotional connection can grow, free from the confusing entanglement of sex. Girls often believe, with some justification, that a “love connection” — aka your efforts to remember trivial details about them — can only emerge in an emotional greenhouse where your needs as a man are left outside in the cold.

3. It’s nearly impossible to turn an overtly paid sexual outlet into an emulated unpaid sexual outlet. This is why you should never tip strippers you intend to bang.

4. Making it a habit to pay for sex will corrupt a man’s ability to relate to women, and his willingness to learn how to seduce them. This is why men who have to pay for sex are rightly classified as loser omegas. The need to turn to whores for sexual relief, plus the distance from women’s particular psychological needs that paying for sex creates, renders the john almost useless as a potential mate without the crutch of cash in advance.

5. When a whore despises you so much she refuses your money, kill yourself. When a whore feels glimmers of real closeness to you that she refuses your money, the last thing you want to do is dispatch with her attempts to relate to you as a non-john by immediately requesting sex when you hang out with her. That’s just autistic, son.

6. Never watch a film with a girl if you don’t plan on touching her during it. A two hour non-sexual vibe will dampen a tingle faster than a ripped fart. In front of her friends.

7. To a whore, a nonsexual beta male friend is way more valuable than a lover or a fuckbuddy, the latter of whom she has an unending stream of applicants to appreciate. You win over a girl like this by making your emotional friendship reward contingent upon her available orifice reward.

8. Whores are riddled with disease. And the ones who aren’t are soulkilled to the point that a relationship with them is basically an excuse to fulfill a cuckold fetish. The only good reason I could see for wanting to be friends with one is the benefit of capitalizing on her social circle, which undoubtedly consists of plenty of non-whore hot chicks.

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Quality Vs Quantity, Formula Version

Ah, that perennial conundrum. That gavel of masculine judgment. Does the quality or the quantity, or both, of women that a man beds determine his alpha mojo? The hosts have graciously elaborated on this topic in the past, which should have been the final word, but not all of the world’s 7 billion people have yet stayed a night at the Chateau to wake in the morning infused with the knowledge of the Celestials.

Any guy who claims to have game but picks up hundreds of circus freaks a year will be a laughingstock. And the boastful guy with few notches who claims to know everything about women because he’s been dating his cute high school sweetheart his whole life will similarly be mocked.

To put it in logical terms easily grasped by the aspies among us (first number in each series refers to penis-in-vagina notch count unless otherwise noted; second number refers to female attractiveness rating on a 0-10 scale):

Stiff autumn breeze <more alpha than> 100 0s

Unlubed masturbation <more alpha than> 100 hundred 1s <more alpha than> 200 0s

Couch crease <more alpha than> 100 2s <more alpha than> 200 1s <more alpha than> 300 0s

Lubed masturbation <more alpha than> 100 3s <more alpha than> 200 2s <more alpha than> 300 1s <more alpha than> 400 0s

Barely legal porn-assisted masturbation <more alpha than> 100 2s <but less alpha than> 100 3s over a two month time span

Handjob by a 4 <more alpha than> 10 3s

Blowjob by a 4 <more alpha than> 15 3s

Chandelier swinging, titty fucking, throat gagging, motorized defiling, publicly violating, video recorded facialized money shotting, post-coital sammich making, never see her again sex with a 4 <more alpha than> 50 missionary style 3s

Fleeting glance from a 10 <more alpha than> 100 1s

Handjob by a 10 <more alpha than> 1,000 1s

Blowjob by a 10 <more alpha than> 10,000 1s

Sex with a 10 <more alpha than> 100,000 1s

Anal sex with a 10 <more alpha than> Infinity 1s

100 5s <more alpha than> 100 4s <more alpha than> 500 3s

50 6s <more alpha than> 100 5s

40 7s <more alpha than> 100 6s

30 8s <more alpha than> 100 7s

10 9s <more alpha than> 100 8s

1 10 <more alpha than> 3 9s

LTR with a 10 <more alpha than> one night of sex with a 10 <more alpha than> LTR with an 7

One night of sex with a 9 <more alpha than> Rotating harem of multiple LTRs with 100 5s and 6s <more alpha than> One night stands with 1,000 4s

LTR with a 0 <more alpha than> Nothing

Serial LTRs with 5 10s <more alpha than> One night stands with 100 9s <more alpha than> Lifelong monogamous LTR with an 8

Unmarried, cohabiting, child-free, sex-gorged LTR with an 8 <more alpha than> Once-a-month married sex with a 9 <more alpha than> Once-a-day married sex with a 7

Unmarried, commitment-free, responsibility-absolved, sex-on-demand with a cast of 1,000s of faithful 10s wearing kneepads and schooled in the culinary arts <more alpha than> The universe

***

So, if you have ass-banged one 10 in your life, you have equivalent bragging rights to the guy who has banged every 1 in the world.

If you have effortlessly banged 10,000 1s, you have less bragging rights than the guy who has gotten one (freely given) blowjob from a 10. If you needed to expend huge effort to bang those 10,000 1s, you have less bragging rights than the guy who stuck it in a couch crease for quick relief.

If you have inspired a 6 to want a relationship with you, you have more alpha bragging rights than the guy who has inspired 10 4s to spread their legs for him.

Where it gets blurry is in the plain middle of the beauty arc. A guy who banged one 6 technically will be more alpha than the guy who banged two 5s, but at those fine gradations, who’s really keeping tabs? That’s where the Template will influence the grading curve and make distinctions harder to delineate.

Ultimately, the essence of alpha maledom all comes down to inspiring beautiful women to, first and foremost, desire your poundage, and then to desire your continual poundage, and finally to desire your love. If you can seduce a hot babe into bed multiple times, then seduce her into love, and then do this same thing with many hot babes over the course of your life, you are an alpha male, no matter what else you have or have not accomplished in your life. Many will balk at this, but that doesn’t change its truth.

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Better Than Again: The Female Secret Code Decoder Dictionary

A wealth of experience with women will clue a man into the dissonance between a woman’s words and actions, and gradually lead him to discover that the woman’s word is the exact inverse of what she wishes you to presuppose it is: not a verbal descriptive but rather a psychological misdirection to lull the unsuspecting, including herself, to cogitate on the opposite of what is, in fact, true. Resist the temptation to blame a woman for her subterfuge because, in another example of empirics catching up to folk wisdom, science is revealing that not even she is aware what currents ripple through her vagina.

On that prologue, here follows a handy dandy secret girl code decoder crib sheet. Though you have been weaned since toddlerhood, when your flaccid tot dong jutted out at a continual 90 degree angle to your raisins, to believe the last in each series is to be aspired to, the truth is that, if sexnlurv with the sexynlurvly hot babes is what you want, then you are far better off being deemed the opposite by the fairer sex.

douchey >>> nice guy

asshole >>> sweet

jerk >>> cute

bastard >>> good man

pig >>> gentleman

insane >>> dependable

jerk > sexy > hot > cute > sweet > creep > nice guy

creeper > creep > stalker > loser > nice guy

serial killer >>>>>>>>>>> nice guy

mass murderer >>>>>>>>>>>>>> nice guy

psychopathic hedge fund white collar criminal >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> (*phew*) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> nice guy

nice guy > pedophile (finally!)

he makes me cry >>>>>>>>> he’s always there for me

it’s so hard with him >>>>>>>>>>>> yeah, he’s a great guy

freak >>> attentive lover

cheating bastard >>> he treats me like a princess

you don’t see what i see in him >>> he’s the perfect man

wiseass >>> funny >>> clown >>> goofy >>> quirky >>> weird

mysterious >>> a good friend

exciting >>> easy to get along with

i don’t know how much more i can take with him >>> someday we’ll get married

he always forgets our anniversaries >>> he understands my needs

pervert >>> sensitive lover

he screwed my best friend >>> i screwed his best friend

he gets me >>> i get him

fucking asshole arrogant son of a bitch motherfucking cocksucking pike of steaming shit filthy fucking bastard mama’s boy >>> nice guy

selfish lover >>> eats me out

who are you texting? >>> i promise i’m not texting any other guys

god that was such a turn-on >>> i love you

cocky bastard >>> sweet guy

i never know what he’s up to >>> we go everywhere together

lover >>> husband

is that a girl’s voice i hear in the background? >>> thanks for letting me know what time you’ll be home

you’re going to shit in front of me?! >>> i’ll be out in a minute, honey

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The Feminism Shit Test

A reader poses an interesting scenario: what do you say if a girl asks you about feminism? If you live in a big, blue urban enclave, it’s pretty good odds you’ll run into a chick — probably a lawyer or other man-jawed freak of nature — who hits you up with the feminism shit test.

Naturally, the typical beta male, not knowing what the fuck to do in most situations with women except kowtow in abject supplication in hopes he’ll be patted on the head like a neutered shih tzu, would frantically insist his fem-cred is legit. At best, he might “yeah, but” his way through it until eventually caving that he’s on board the grrlpower train.

But we can do better than that! In fact, not just better, but SEXIER. You see, these sorts of politically and culturally loaded questions that girls ask are not just tests for proof of in-group certification, they are also plum-ripe opportunities to demonstrate superior value by parrying her noxiously probing questions in a socially adept manner that simultaneously arouses her and spares your dignity as a man.

Examples

GIRL: what do you think of feminism?
YOU: it’s for old hags and ugly girls.

This was the answer suggested by the reader. It certainly spares no quarter, but is it alpha in the pussy-moistening sense? I think it’s too confrontational. More likely to start an argument or elicit a haughty exit than encourage flirty banter.

Here are some less confrontational but still edgy replies:

GIRL: what do you think of feminism?

YOU:
– great for my sex life!
– child’s play.
– it’s like religion. makes people feel good.
– great! girls buy me drinks now.
– dunno. never ate one.
– fucking LOVE it. premarital sex for the win!
– you mean lesbianism?
– i don’t.
– [for the girls who appreciate dark humor]: it’s cool. my aborted sister was a feminist.
– love it. i’d be married if it wasn’t for feminism.
– it’s bursting with fruit flavor.
– you’ll have to ask my grandma.
– it’s cute!

GIRL: what do you think of feminists?

YOU:
– they’re sexy underneath.
– beautiful on the inside.
– so smart! guys love that about girls. yup, being totally serious here.
– they ask weird questions.
– love chicks who rock the pit hair. shows they’re secure in their masculinity.
– so cute!
– best divorcees in the world.
– love em. most of them are secretly giggling little schoolgirls once you get to know them.
– i’d tell you but then you’d have to buy me a drink.

GIRL: are you a feminist?

YOU:
– i wish, but i was born with a penis.
– that’s what my doctor says.
– when it’s convenient.
– for you, any time sweet cheeks.
– are you flirting with me?
– i’m not wearing any underwear, so, yeah.

Of course, if you really ARE a micropeened self-loathing bitch tittied simulacra of a man one brightly whistled show tune away from double rainbowed gaiety, you could go the Hugo Schwyzer route and proudly declare your feminist bona fides, t-shirt and all, while exploiting your teacher-student status differential to nail 19 year old hypergamous pussy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But for most betas who don’t have a captive classroom audience of eager beavers jockeying for insider influence at an A in ‘Deconstructing Rape Culture 101’, holding sincere feminist beliefs and being unafraid (ha!) to broadcast those beliefs will not help you get laid. If anything, girls will be turned off by your cloying self-abnegation. Even feminist girls. ESPECIALLY feminist girls.

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Spot The Alpha Male

Trick question: both of them!

Isn’t it funny how our reflexive reaction to scenes of non-chivalrous behavior by men is to view them as intrinsically alpha? There’s something deep in our primitive subconsciousness that tells us “this cocky bastard must be the Grand Poonbah to be able to ignore polite convention and convince girls to wait on him hand and foot”.

Remember, girls are thinking the same thing. Which is why it works.

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Every Man Deserves

Chuck Rudd over at GLPiggy has a funny post about a chick elaborating the kind of man every woman deserves. Needless to say, it’s the very Moloko Plus of female self-absorption. (What’re you offering in return, sweet cheeks? An ass the size of a barn door?) A commenter wonders where the equivalent “Every man deserves…” post is. Wonder no more!

Every man, no matter his station in life, his character, his personality or his hygiene, deserves a woman who calls him the rod of steely justice, gobbles his knob like she means it, fucks him like she never wants to let him get soft, doesn’t attention whore or bitch about making him a sammich, wipes his load when he jizzes, doesn’t make him lose interest by getting fat, instead gets in even better shape so he won’t have to keep checking out other women, is not scared to let her friends know she won’t be gossiping about him, and lets him know how much she really loves him with the only thing that matters — her welcoming orifices. Repost if you agree.

You laugh. But this kind of entitlement is par for the course on feminist blogs. Helpful tip to feminists and the modern Western woman: deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it.

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