What happens when unmarried women chase down noncommittal cads, get knocked up by them, give birth to illegitimate bastards, and then languish in despair as they quickly notice their material well-being, love life, and dating market value deteriorating immensely as single moms? They have mental breakdowns!
This post brought to you by the Committee of Helpful Reminders that a national 41% illegitimacy rate is bad news for modern civilization.
PS The Committee for Proven Solutions as Opposed to Feel-Good Solutions offers the following four-point plan for ending bastardy and reckless single momhood:
1. Shame
2. Ostracization
3. Elimination of all state-sponsored financial support, including but not limited to food stamps and mandated maternity leave.
4. Condoms
In this Christmas season, we should all be so fucking humanitarian as the spirit of this post.
This is a pickup attempt in a dentist’s office, as we were both waiting to have our teeth cleaned. The lawyer chick returns! (Lawyer chicks are very diligent about keeping regular dental appointments.)
I’ve devised a formula for determining the strength of a relationship and its long term potential based on the time it takes for me to feel comfortable farting in a girlfriend’s presence.
TTF (Time To Fart) + SOE (Sense Of Embarrassment) / LOF (Loudness Of Fart) + NOF (Number Of Farts per episode) + FDS (Farts During Sex) = RS (Relationship Strength)
The variables in the formula are converted into numerical values.
TTF is the number of months that have passed without a farting incident in her company. 1 = one month, 2 = 2 months, etc. A particularly brazen man would have a TTF of 0.033, indicating he farted in front of her on the first date.
SOE is based on the embarrassment I feel for farting around her. An SOE of 0 is… zero shame! An SOE of 10 is crippling embarrassment, and a burning guilt for violating my precious lady’s modesty so vulgarly.
LOF is based on decibels. An LOF of 10 (admittedly a somewhat subjective measure) is an ear-splitting fart that scares the cat. An LOF of 0 is an SBD.
NOF is the number of farts I feel comfortable releasing immediately after the first one has escaped. An NOF of 3 farts within a short time window indicates comfort with the act of farting in my girl’s presence. A high NOF of 20 suggests a sadistic pleasure with watching my girlfriend’s eyes tear up.
FDS is a simple binary value for noting whether I am comfortable farting during sex, which is an inopportune (or not, you scoundrel!) time to fart that is particularly loathed by women. An FDS of 0 means I clench tightly when I feel a fart coming on, while an FDS of 1 means I help push it out when a fart is about to announce itself during tender missionary lovemaking. (It is especially funny when she can feel the vibrations of my fart against her pudendum.)
I didn’t include smell in the equation, because that’s an uncontrollable factor.
Once calculated, a high RS number means I hold in my farts when I’m with my girl to the point where I risk intestinal embolisms. I would not dare risk annoying her with an errant tush toot. Our relationship is likely a strong one that will last well into the second year.
A low RS number indicates trouble, as well as warm gas, brewing. I fart freely around the girl without remorse because I take her completely for granted. She loves the shit out of me and I know it, so I feel comfortable farting loudly, and often, in her presence, even when I’m piledriving her. An extremely low RS usually happens when I am dating below my level, and is an indication that I will cheat or dump her in short order.
Example 1:
TTF = 1 month
SOE = 0 (shameless)
LOF = 5 (kazoo)
NOF = 3 (tommy gun)
FDS = 1 (pumping motion moves gas along)
1 + 0 / 5 + 3 + 1 = 1/9 = 0.11 RS
The man in this example has a very low RS. He is probably porking a cow and has her make him a ham sandwich on Valentine’s Day.
Example 2:
TTF = 20 months (permanent damage resulted)
SOE = 10 (tried to blame it on dog)
LOF = 1 (clenched hard to prevent noisemaker, but mouse squeak escaped through restricted opening)
NOF = 1 (but it was a 30 second doozy of sweet relief)
FDS = 0 (violate such a sacred moment? never!)
20 + 10 / 1 + 1 + 0 = 15 RS
The man in this example has a very high RS. He is a beta provider who is with his first ever girlfriend (and sexual partner). He will ask “how many licks?” when she tells him to eat her out during her period. As long as she isn’t too far out of his league, he will likely marry this girl and die from a backed up fart that snaked its way to his brain.
On average, most of my relationships have an RS of between 0.8 and 1.2. If you regularly maintain RSs in the 0.01 to 0.15 range, you are either slumming it with heifers and calling yourself a player, or you are a super alpha who can get away with passing wind in your HB10 girlfriend’s face while she’s rimming you.
If you regularly score RSs in the 10 – 20 range, you are a platonic friend who has yet to realize it. You will not get anywhere with women until you first learn how to treat yourself to a satisfying blast of gas.
BONUS VIDEO!
This is a reenactment of an actual conversation. It happened in bed, but Xtranormal does not offer a bed scene as a backdrop.
This one comes from a mischief maker named “Lexus Liberal” who commented on a Washington City Paper article about the poor performance of the Sidwell Friends’ football team. Sidwell Friends is a private school where Presidents send their kids to be fast tracked for future ruling class positions. The Obamas are the latest example.
I dare say, sport, you seem to have inflamed my upper NW chums more than a Bush/Cheney sticker on a Hummer 2!
The pursuit of sport is not something we put as much emphasis on here at Sidwell Friends – it’s such a vulgar enterprise. My own father wasn’t so enlightened – he loved baseball, hunting and other antiquated male pastimes, whereas I celebrate opera, gardening and appeasing my angry, Prius-driving wife.
While my passivity and latent homosexuality may negatively impact my son’s performance on the football field, I am confident it will prepare him well for a life of NPR, canvas totes, and garden parties featuring locavore cuisine.
Best,
L.L.
Pitch perfect. Maybe L.L. is a Chateau reader? Congratulations, L.L., you have earned a Key to the Chateau. Pick up your designated cat o’ nine tails at the door.
Female suffrage has led to a feminizing of Western Civilization. That civilization is now entering its crazy cat lady stage, that most female of destinies. Witness the hoarding of immigrants (rather than animals) that we don’t need, that we can’t properly house or care for, the self delusions, the unstable self-image and sense of self, the recurrent suicidal behavior and self-injuring behavior, the picking at scabs. Government is now the defacto husband. Immigrants the children that were never had.
The crazy cat lady stage of America — yep, that about sums it up. So what follows? Who knows. It’s possible the pendulum will swing back, perhaps violently.
As we here at the Chateau relish provoking reminding the readers, giving women the right to vote has been a disaster for liberty-loving small-government patriots. Do any of the mainstream conservative or libertarian bloggers have anything to say about Lott’s study? Their cowardly silence speaks volumes.
Another Mangan commenter noted:
Agreed with Anonymous – if you look at when women got the right to vote you can see pretty much where the country started it’s liberal slide. Today there is a seventeen percentage point gap between male and female approval of Obama’s policies and if it was just the male vote, McCain would have won in 2008.
For all the principled reasons to grant the franchise to women, there is no doubt that doing so has exacerbated, if not precipitated, the decline and eventual fall of America. Forty million Mexicans don’t help, either.
Via reader Tim, Funny Yahoo Questions is an archive of hilarity. And disturbing vileness.
The desperation of single moms knows no limit. Seven years without a replacement father to foot the bills can really fuck with a lonely mother’s ethical code:
Men, always flush your used condoms down the toilet. And whatever you do, don’t let her dispose of the condom for you. Thanks to our fucked-up nonsensical anti-male laws, all it takes is one crazy bitch to saddle you with a kid tax for eighteen years.
What’s the leading indicator that a man is dating a young, hot chick?
When he’s turned on by her sitting on his face. You will never hear a man say he wants an aging cougar or a fat chick to sit on his face, unless he is a freak loser. A young babe’s ass crack is intoxicating like a rose. A cougar’s ass is a dingleberry jungle. PSA: When doing a cougar from behind, press the ass cheeks together so you don’t have to view the tangled mess within. Your boner will thank you.
