Pregnant Women Are Smug

Finefantastic you so deliciously cynical.

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Texts From The Female Id

Texts From Last Night is a great source of insight into the true nature of women’s sexuality. Why? Because it’s a compilation of texts that typically have been sent under the influence of alcohol, AKA truth serum, or of texts meant for trusted confidants.

Examples:

What women really think of your emoticons:

he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal [with] this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

Remember Maxim #101?

For most women, five minutes of alpha is worth five years of beta.

Here’s a text from a girl confirming that maxim:

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

That is a wicked soulrip worthy of Pinhead’s hooked chains.

Being a beta provider in today’s sexual marketplace is a net negative:

I’ll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don’t leave RIGHT when the bassist does.

Pre-selection is the most powerful animating force of female desire:

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is “my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her” and it makes me proud…. so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

Chicks dig jerks, series without end:

he said ‘i love fucking you, ashley’. it was the most romantic thing he’s said during sex because he actually used my name.

At least the guy was honest. Truth is, that’s what most men mean when they think about romance.

It turns out someone got a hold of my texts and posted them to TFLN. I’m embarrassed by these, but since they’re already out there, it’s best if I just show them to you right now, like ripping off a band-aid, and hope the whole thing blows over quickly.

do you do anal?

***

[GIRL] hey, i’m sorry but i have to cancel for tonight.

[ME] :)))))))))))))))))))

***

[GIRL] you really are an ass.

[ME, three months later] you say something?

***

[GIRL] last night was fantastic, sexy boy.

[ME] tell me about it. i totally kicked your butt in scrabble.

***

i didn’t know you had a younger, hotter, tighter sister.

***

i left the bar tab for you. thanks, cutie!

***

your pussy smells

[15 minutes later] delightful.

***

you’re breaking up with me? was it the dutch ovens?

***

i’m not giving you 500 bucks to see an immigration lawyer. your blowjobs aren’t that good.

***

[GIRL] i’m really falling for you!

[ME] don’t get pregnant.

***

[GIRL] why do you have to be such a jerk?

[ME] why do you have to be such a jerk-lover?

***

[GIRL] i don’t think this is going to work out.

[ME] your mom!

[GIRL] i’m being serious. it’s over.

[ME] your mom!

***

thanks for the romantic evening fucking in your husband’s bed.

***

sorry, men’s nipples really aren’t that sensitive. stop projecting and focus on the important parts.

***

i’ve never seen a naked body like yours.

***

730, thurs, at the pub down the street. wear your fuck me pumps.

***

i think i might’ve accidentally farted in your cat’s face.

I’m so ashamed.

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Update: Miranda Kerr Doesn’t Follow Her Own Advice

A reader who requested anonymity sent me some background information on Miranda Kerr.

You probably don’t have many Aussie readers, since they would gleefully point out that Miranda doesn’t take her own advice.

This guy ripped off and lied to her family, just like everyone else around him. Miranda likes the bad boys too.

Search for “Adrian Camilleri” on Google and you’ll find a wealth of shit.

Hey, chicks dig the dark triad.

I wonder if Adrian bought her the right size in between the time he spent stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars from her family? Or maybe it was his diligence at finding a babysitter on those nights when he was taking some time off lying to everyone around him? Perhaps he was good at connecting with her… deeply, so deeply… during moments away from being an über douche master of the universe?

Aaaaannd, take it away, commenters!

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This Is How It Starts

The making of an Entitled American Princess:

Notice how she’s using the bathroom sink as a makeshift pedestal.

(much love finefantastic!)

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MS Paint Windows To The Soul

As a tribute to the regular guests of the Chateau, I’ve honored them with stick figure portraits. Can you match the following MS Paint masterpieces to their eponymous titles in the answer key below?

A:

B:

C:

D:

E:

F:

Answer Key

1. Peter (GNP guy)

2. Single Mom

3. Poetry of Flesh

4. David Alexander

5. Me fleeing from an irate husband

6. Greatbooksformen

***

And here’s a bonus MS Paint! This time, no answer key. Let’s see if you can figure out the title without help.

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One Of The Funnier Hitler Rant Parodies

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Greatest Pimp Slap Ever

Impressive windup: fi’ dolla

Backhand: benjamin

Not even pausing to glower at the chick after slapping her: priceless (Hey, the man was in the middle of a conversation.)

Giving me the opportunity to write “Morgan Freeman, in ‘Pimpslap Redemption'”: priceless infinity

By the way, Morgan Freeman once said in an interview that his role as a pimp in ‘Street Smart’ was his favorite.

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