Man Dance-Off

Three guys. One cramped dance floor space. A smooth moves battle royale to catch the attentions of the two girls with their backs turned to them. Who will take home the gold?

dancing with the sausage.

(Happy dude holding drink is Wayne Brady, providing humorous color commentary.)

Guy in the V-neck steps up first and does the robot. Not bad, but girls are unimpressed. Judges score: Backs still turned.

Guy in the fashionable “I Adidas DC” T-shirt immediately follows him and goes old school with a break dancing routine that causes people walking by to be extra careful stepping over him. Judges score: Girls briefly turn around to watch because they got bored with the guys talking to them.

Fan favorite “really tall guy in the sack-crushing capris” takes the floor and does… something really GHEY. And yet I cannot look away:

taste the rainbow.

Judges score: 10.0 for the joyous shirt, 9.0 for look of concentration, 0.0 for capturing female attention. As you can see, the girls remain unimpressed with the action, prefering to focus on their beta suitors. One girl did point and laugh.

Capri guy sat down with the judges later for a post-contest interview and it turned out he was actually kind of cool in a warped way. He admitted being bisexual (read: 100% gay).

At least he had an excuse. What were the other guys thinking? No man dances for personal enjoyment; he does it either to get close to girls already dancing or to show off his moves for girls watching. The man dance-off is like the perfect storm of gayness and toolness. As far as male status competitions go, it’s lower than drinking games.

On the streets of New York this kind of thing works because there are usually lots of girls watching to take social cues from each other that it’s acceptable to get caught up in the excitement of the status displays. It was closing time when these guys squared off and there were only a few girls nearby. Male mini-status displays don’t work as well when there aren’t lots of admiring girls to give the warriors social proof of their skills. Girls often look to other girls to gauge the alphaness of men doing questionable activities. If one girl looks over at the other girl in attendance and sees she is not paying attention to the frenetic dance-off, she will remain aloof.

You could have two dorky guys playing PINBALL and as long as there is at least one horny admiring girl in the crowd to inspire the other girls, the winning pinballer will get laid.

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In Defense Of Cougars

In yesterday’s post, commenter Joel included a link to a letter by Benjamin Franklin to a young man extolling the virtues of no strings attached sex with older women. I reproduced it here because it is so damn funny… and true!* Ben was such a card. I especially like his Reason #5.

***

Benjamin Franklin, Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress (1745).

June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend.

***

*Still, I’m not sure even all Ben’s sensible reasons together would be enough to compensate the loss of sensual pleasure accompanying the sight, scent and feel of the older woman’s body and odours.

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July 2008 Comment Winner

We have a winner, and thanks to the finish line effort by commenter Glengarry Glenpoon (great nick btw) Gannon has been denied the coveted Commenter Trifecta. In response to my post “Would You Date Her“, Glenpoon wrote this:

[quote from original post]: I’d leave a very subtle hint, like a fake arm on her pillow before she goes to bed.

Make it a prosthetic gun, or maybe a terminator arm. She could be the coolest gf ever. The coolest.

Quentin Tarantino agrees.

Runner-up July 2008 Comment Winner award goes to Virgle Kent, for his excellent judging of the first entry in the Summer 2008 Ass Challenge:

In my expert opinion let me say GOD DAMN!!! As we like to say in the hood, “ol’ girl is working with a donkey”. She has the kind of phatty you could set your drink on while she’s standing up and tell her you’ll be right back.

Honorable Mention goes to Gannon, whose comment to my post “When The Body And Face Don’t Match” shows he has an understanding of the important things in life:

Gannon doesn’t care if a vagina is shaved or not, as long as it belongs to a (legal) teen girl.
Issues that Gannon cares about:
Is the vagina still virgin?
How does the vagina smell?
Is the vagina still tight after childbirth?

As usual, Gannon gets right to the clinical heart of the matter in his trademark deadpan style.

Congratulations, gentlemen. A plaster cast of one of my ex-girlfriend’s labia is on the way. Comes with pre-drilled hole.

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July 2008 Comment Winner Alert

As it stands right now, Gannon is leading the vote tally for July 2008 Comment Winner. This will be the third straight win for him. If you don’t want to see him walk away with the trifecta I’d suggest you people step it up. You’ve got two days left.

Hint: Brevity is the soul of wit. (I’m looking at you sara/sam).

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What She’s Really Thinking

FYI: “What She’s Really Thinking” will be a regular feature here. Content may vary.

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Mono Game

Zeets the Throwback Barbarian told me about a situation he had with his date.

Zeets: So the date is going well…

Me: Some makeouts?

Zeets: We were about to kiss but then I stopped her and told her I had mono and I didn’t want her to catch it. I said it should only be one more week then we would kiss.

Me: How did she take it?

Zeets: Actually, I think it made her more attracted to me. Pushing her away mid-kiss turned her on.

Me: And mono is the kissing disease. She probably wondered how many women you kissed. Well played!

GAME PRINCIPLES ILLUSTRATED

1. takeaway (interrupted the kiss)
2. future pacing (“then we would kiss”)
3. preselected by women (kissing disease)
4. protector of loved ones (“didn’t want her to catch it”)

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I’ve Seen The Error Of My Ways

I’m a sensitive man, and some of my reader’s comments expressing their hurt and frustration with my writings have bothered me. After a bit of sorrowful reflection, I decided to turn my back on the anger and evil in my heart and open myself to a deeper understanding and wisdom.

Here is a video response to my detractors I made to reach across the divide and show I’m a changed man. I hope we can put this unpleasantness behind us and accept love into our lives.

I put a lot of passion into this video so some of the language is strong. Use headphones at work.

Please… I need a moment. 😥

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