Relationship Game Week: Agree And Amplify

Relationships are merely a continuation of pickup by other means. Just as she must never forget to keep in shape for your pleasure, you must never stop gaming your girl. The day you slip into complacence is the day her love begins to show signs of stress.

Relationships may change but the Game remains the same. There seems to be a mistaken belief among the betacracy that game may be good for pickup but it’ll do nothing at best, and sabotage at worst, your prospects for a long and healthy relationship. These are the beliefs of weak and nutless men who habitually dumpster date women way under their own market value so that they can go on acting like Dr. Phil castrati without consequence. They are also the beliefs of fat and ugly women.

Beta men = fat and ugly women. The resemblance is uncanny!

Naturally, the first few hours, days, and weeks of a courtship will be more exhilarating than the years to follow. After the brash novelty has faded and love begins to take root a mutually comfortable sufficiency will assert itself. An implicit bargain has been struck and there comes an expectation, not wholly removed of anxiety, that your partner isn’t going to bolt, run away, or suddenly despise you from one day to the next. But soft expectations so often morph into hard demands, and then the misalignment with reality begins in earnest.

“If I got fat/beta, would you still love me???”

Eventually, no. As with demographics and economics, there is a lag time in sexual dynamics. This lag time gets longer the more established the relationship becomes. A man who commits one glaring beta act on the approach isn’t going to get more than a few seconds with his target before she blows him out. But a man who has been seeing a girl for two years has to run up a litany of beta fouls before his woman’s love finally dissolves under the onslaught of her mounting disgust. A lower energy, consistent level of relationship game different only in degree, not kind, from pickup game, must be a part of every man’s arsenal of perpetual sexiness.

One thing you will not fail to notice with women is that their shit tests never end, they just fade away… to less annoying frequency. A handy chart demonstrating this female proclivity to endlessly take stock of your alpha cred should make things clear:

The Average Man             # and Intensity of Female Shit Tests
First few minutes              Rapid fire shit tests designed to weed out betas

First few dates                  One or two shit tests per date,
                                          less crass, more subtle

Post-sex                            Possible “I didn’t cum” shit test. Ignore it.

First few weeks                 Shit tests become less obnoxious, more defensive;
                                          (“Are you always this late?”)

First few months                Non-verbal shit tests increase in frequency;
                                           she waits for you to call instead of picking up
                                           phone herself.

Six months later                Endearing love and romance shit tests
                                          begin to flare up;
                                          (“You hardly ever give me flowers.”
                                          “Do you love me?”)

One year in                         Provider shit tests in full swing;
                                           (“Why don’t you buy yourself a bigger place?”
                                           “You never tell me what you do at work.”)

Two years in                      “Life purpose”, marriage, and infidelity shit tests;
                                           (“Where are we going with this?” “Bob just popped
                                            the question to Sarah. Aren’t you happy for them?”
                                            “Are you cheating on me?”)

Thirty years in                   Regret and death shit tests;
                                      (“The kids are gone. I’m not in love anymore.”
                                      “Would you wipe my spotted ass when I’m an invalid?”)

If you aren’t a natural at deflecting shit tests of all varieties, then you must teach yourself. For those men not blessed with the quickness of mind and aloofness of temperament to handle shit tests like a champ, a system must be devised. I’ve found one. I call it the Agree & Amplify anti-shit test counterinsurgency.

The concept is simple. When you are hit with a shit test, agree with your girl, and then amplify your agreement. Here are some examples:

GIRL: “Why didn’t you call last night? Are you dating someone else?”

YOU: “Yep, I’ve got a harem to service. Be happy you’re in the top tier.”

***

GIRL: “Are you just going to sit around all day playing video games?”

YOU: “Damn straight. With enough hard work I should be able to push this to a full month.”

***

GIRL: “We’re going to that restaurant again?”

YOU: “Yeah, and because you’ve bitched, we’re going there for the next ten years.”

***

GIRL: “Sometimes you can be such an asshole. My ex knew how to treat a lady.”

YOU: “I bet he did. You should beg him to take you back. I could use the peace and quiet.”

***

GIRL: “Don’t you have any ambition in life?”

YOU: “Zero. Could you be a dear and hook up my feeding tube?”

***

GIRL: “I didn’t like the way you flirted with that girl at the party tonight.”

YOU: “I know, I’m an incorrigible flirt. Good thing you didn’t see the other ten girls I flirted with. Phew!”

***

GIRL: “You never get me flowers or write me poetry.”

YOU: “You’re right. Just think of my cock as a flower and our fucking as poetry in motion.”

***

GIRL: “I think we should take this slower.”

YOU: “You read my mind! Can I pencil you in next month?”

***

GIRL: [Making it obvious she’s flirting with another guy in your presence.]

YOU: “Hey, if you’re gonna try to make me jealous by flirting in front of me, at least put on a good show. I haven’t seen bad flirting like that since your Mom tried to pick me up.”

***

GIRL: “Buy me a drink.”

YOU: “Sure thing. Would you like my ATM pin number as well?”

***

GIRL: [Calls you back two days after you left her a message.]

YOU: “Only two days later? Wow, you’re slipping. A true player waits a year before calling back.”

***

GIRL: “I really feel we aren’t compatible.”

YOU: “You’re right, we’re *totally* incompatible. I like to wake up at 8:30 and you get up at 8:15. Who can live with that?!”

This last one is especially interesting, because no matter how compatible you are with a girl, she is compelled by an otherworldly force to wonder aloud how incompatible you both are. Expect to receive this shit test around month three. Women have to work through their gina demons, and the issue of “compatibility” is a biggie. For men, if our dicks fit inside her pussy, we’re compatible. For women, a whole host of arcane connections must be made before she can feel you are “the one”. The Agree & Amplify method is the only acceptable response. If you two are incompatible, arguing with her will only highlight that. If you two are compatible, pointing out all the ways you are compatible will only cause her to search more fervently for those few ways you aren’t compatible. Agreeing with her, whether or not she’s right, and making fun of her concerns, is the best way to make her forget all about the issue.

So to all the verbally hamstrung betas, when (not if) you find yourselves confronted by yet another shit test, instead of wracking your brain for the appropriate response just recall the words “Agree & Amplify”. A&A, A&A, A&A. Say it to yourself over and over, and the right answer will come to you.

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Relationship Game Week: Subtle Dominance Plays

Reader PA left a comment describing how he once held his woman’s hand “against the grain” as they walked — that is, his hand was behind her hand. He said she did not like the unnatural feel of it. In the interest of corroborating this peculiar observation, I did the same with one of my girls. I prepped her first and explained that I was going to hold her hand differently, and she was to tell me how it made her feel.

As we were walking down the sidewalk, I moved my hand behind hers, such that her hand was in front (back of her hand facing forward) while my hand, fingers intertwined, was in back (my palm facing forward into her palm).

Two point five seconds elapsed before she spoke.

“Ew.”

“Ew?”

“It feels weird. I don’t like it.” She dislodged her hand from mine violently, and resumed the traditional style with her hand resting behind my hand.

“What was weird about it?”

“I don’t know, but it felt wrong. Like smelling something really bad.”

At this point, I would like to inform the studio audience that my girl was a professed feminist, a real “I am wymyn, hear me roar” product of our nation’s higher miseducation system. And yet, here she was, unknowing victim to her biomechanical urge to be submissive to a dominant male, even in something as trivial as the arrangement of our handholding while we walked together.

I write a lot about the importance of psychosocial dominance in male game, and how of all the positive traits a man can possess nothing is as effective as his subconscious dominance cues for turning on the gina spigot — not money, not looks, not humor. Fame is perhaps the only trait that can score a man more pussy more easily. Naturally, when the femtards show up here they see the word “dominance” and they immediately screech and squeal about how this means I advocate men should beat women, or that women should be relegated to life under burqas. But as is typical for the vajflapping brigade, they are incapable of comprehending the finer distinctions of subject matter that offends their delicate… or should I say weak?… sensibilities.

Psychosocial dominance is not a warhammer to the head; it’s akin to an ancient language spoken in hushed tones by our mind’s central command under the noisy clacking of our glitzy human interface. It is subtle, but not so subtle that it can’t be gleaned, and learned by those who have less of it. Game is, in effect, a system for recognizing and mimicking those male mate value dominance cues in one’s behavior. These dominance cues can be either the behavior evinced by alpha men over lesser men, or by men over women. The two types of dominance are not the same (see: social proof), but there is plenty of overlap.

Here are some other subtle dominance moves that you should incorporate into your relationships with women, thus ensuring years of freely available sex, affection, and loyalty:

• Don’t trail your woman in the grocery store. If you’re pushing a cart, stay in front of her. Never linger over brands on the shelves. Know which food you want before you get to the store. If she lingers too long, make her food decision for her. Occasionally veer off to another aisle to do your “man-time” shopping, leaving her wondering where you went for a minute. Return with an industrial sized bottle of lube an an innocent look on your face.
• Don’t ponder your decisions out loud. Women hate indecisive men, even when that indecisiveness leads to better choices. As gina tinglers go, it’s preferable to make a wrong decision than to make no decision.
• Never discuss money matters with your woman. She’ll love you more if in a moment of desperation you are caught stealing and thrown in jail than if you whine about having no money.
• Don’t “keep an eye” on your woman. If, for instance, you are at a party, don’t trail her around the room with your eyes. Either ignore her, or join her. Occasional knowing winks are permitted.
• Learn the power of NO. “Can I borrow this book?” “No, I’m still reading it. You can have it when I’m done.”
• Don’t be a “sensitive guy”. No one likes that guy, especially not women, despite their insistence to the contrary. When she cries, don’t rush over to comfort her. Let her cry. Like an ex of mine once told me, “Sometimes a girl just needs a cry.” If her brooding bothers you, leave to hang with your buddies or find a household project to work on. If you feel you absolutely must do something as a token of sympathy, hand her a box of Kleenex.
• When seating yourself at a restaurant, always put her in the chair that affords maximum protection from the thru-way used by patrons and waiters. Always choose for yourself the chair that provides maximum field of view of the restaurant environs. On the Metro, stuff her into the seat closer to the window.
• On dates, let her pay for shit once in a while. It doesn’t have to be 50-50 in outlays, (and this is particularly pertinent if she makes a lot less than you), but neither should you box yourself in as a chump provider. When she reaches for her purse, don’t make a big production out of it. “Oh, hey, I got it, I got it, really, unless you want to.” Horrible. Just be cool, stay silent, and act as if her coughing up some of her own dough is nothing out of the ordinary.
• Always control the remote, TV, computer, stereo, and circular saw. Let her rest her head on your lap when you watch movies together.
• If you often find yourself walking ahead of her when you two are outside at farmers’ markets or the like, resist the urge to constantly look over your shoulder to see where she is. Get comfortable with the idea of being a gravitational force to which she cannot stay away from for long. Think of your cock as a powerful electromagnet and her as iron filings. Don’t be a human GPS unit.
• The dog is yours, not hers, even when it’s hers. It’s a pack leader thing she wouldn’t understand. Exception: She has a gay microdog. That’s all hers.
• Abuse her cat when she’s not looking. It’s good for reining in the cat’s sense of entitlement, and it’s good for your mood.
• Master the art of controlled physical dominance. If she’s in your way, grab her around the waist and gently push her aside.
• You ever notice how the assholes and douchebags with the hot chicks always act like they’re unaware of their girls’ presence in public? Like their women are just some tag-alongs they humor once in a while? Yeah, you’ll want to be that asshole.
• Stop laughing at her unfunny jokes. She’s knows she’s not funny, and she knows you’re placating her. Beta.
• If her sister is ugly, tell your girl that you see some resemblance. If her sister is hot, ask her if she was adopted.
• I’ve experimented with many techniques for coaxing girls I date to stay on the slim and narrow. The best one I’ve found so far is to come up behind her while she’s naked in the bathroom, lean against the door jamb, stare at her ass for a bit, don’t smile, hint at a frown, and walk away saying nothing.
• If someone asks what your girl does for a living, let her answer. Don’t jump in and answer for her in an attempt to play her up.
• The morning after at her place, when you get up, either have a plan of action for the day, or leave. Don’t putter around her place with nothing to do. If it’s TV you want to watch, go veg out at your place away from her. There’s no faster way to kill your air of mystery than to swamp her early in the relationship with the humdrum routine of your daily life.
• Try to avoid at all costs the dreaded words “I dunno”. “What are you doing today, honey?” “I dunno.” “What did you do yesterday?” “I dunno. Stuff, I guess.” If you didn’t do something of note, MAKE IT UP. “What did you do yesterday?” “I smoked a hookah with a buddy who banged Chelsea Clinton. She’s a squirter, according to him.”
• Don’t be a herb. No, really. Unless you’re a white guy who dates Asian girls exclusively.

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Relationship Game Week

Around the four month mark you’re going to start taking your girlfriend on weekend trips, unless you are a beta, in which case you will be planning romantic weekends before you’ve even kissed her. Romantic (read: nonstop bedroom pounding) getaways include bed and breakfasts in the mountains, oceanview hotels or beach house rentals, horseback riding, ski chalets, quaint cottages in Tuscany (if you’ve got discretionary cash and you like her so much that you don’t mind wasting a trip to Italy on her instead of pursuing the local Italian women), and camping if she’s the outdoorsy type.

After your first romantic weekend, give her at least two days space once you’ve returned home. That means don’t call her. The reason for this has to do with a fundamental difference between men and women in how we perceive romantic gestures. To men, a romantic weekend away is an opportunity to share uninterrupted pleasure with a chick to whom we have deemed worthy enough to devote an entire weekend. Men value romantic weekends based on the pleasurable benefits we anticipate for ourselves, in order from most eagerly anticipated to least: Sex, affection, low stress, and good dining. The “relationship” and “where it is heading” comes in a distant tenth, right after rejoicing that we came in under budget.

To women, a romantic weekend away, particularly the first romantic weekend with a new lover, is only peripherally about pleasure. Everything in a woman’s life must have a “deeper meaning”, and this goes double for a romantic getaway with her boyfriend. Since women are more practical than men, they cannot live in the now as easily as men do, and are always contemplating the future. This is because pregnancy and kids are never far from a woman’s subconscious thoughts, so every experience can’t just be enjoyed on its own; it has to be dissected and analyzed to determine the man’s fit into the larger picture of house, husband, children, divorce theft bonanza.

A woman’s emotions will be turbulent after a heady romantic weekend together. If you had a good time, she will need a couple of days to process the weekend, and your place in her life. The hamster in her head will be running itself to death. It’s best to stay clear of her during this time, which usually lasts a couple days (add a few days if she’s PMSing), so that she can complete the transition from emotional entropy to steady state equilibrium without your presence and your words potentially fucking up the transition for the worse. I recommend playing it safe and avoiding all contact with her until her emotions have calmed.

If you call her right after the romantic weekend, you might be surprised to find she doesn’t pick up her phone or, if she does, she sounds weird and snippish. Don’t let this throw you; it’s just her brain settling down after you powerfully jostled it from its humdrum routine. Calling too soon means you risk getting ensnared in her confusion. But by waiting a couple days to make your post romantic weekend followup call, you’ll find she has returned to normal and is happier than ever to hear from you.

Remember, a woman in emotional upheaval is not sparring you, she is sparring herself. The best thing you can do is step the fuck aside and let her come to peace with her overworked head hamster. She’ll either convince herself she loves you even more than she thought she did, or she’ll freak out and leave the country. Either way, you’ve saved yourself some unnecessary bullshit.

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A Quick And Dirty All-Purpose Opener

“Does your boyfriend know you’re flirting with me? Let’s try to tone it down, k?”

LEAVE. Come back to her later.

“There you go again.”

***

Why this opener is so versatile:

1. It is a cheap way to immediately suss out if she has a boyfriend without wasting precious minutes gaming her.
2. It functions like a neg by disqualifying yourself, and it compels her to defend herself from your charge of blatantly flirting with you. Putting a girl on the defensive is critical to establishing your dominance over her, which naturally she will love.
3. Leaving soon after delivering the opener is important. It adds gravitas to what you have said, and will make her wonder if she really was flirting with you. Leaving moves you from “fun guy” category to jerk category, which is a pussy promotion equivalent to moving up from a beta to a brooding rebel. Absence makes the sine wave of the gina tingle oscillate with higher frequency.
4. This opener entraps her. There is no good answer she can give that you can’t spin to your favor. If she says “I wasn’t flirting with you”, you say “I figured you say that”. If she says “I don’t have a BF”, you say “Well, that explains your aggressive flirting”. If she says “My boyfriend wouldn’t care if I was flirting with you”, you say “I hear wedding bells”. If she says “He doesn’t know I’m flirting with you”, you say (to yourself) “It’s on”.
5. ABL. Always Be Leaving. That is the trick to making the followup line work. (Obviously, this rules out using the opener on girls walking down the sidewalk.) Ten minutes later, the “There you go again” line should prompt a giggle and a puzzled expression where she asks how exactly she’s flirting with you. That’ll be your cue to make up some shit.

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Update: A Test Of Your Negs

Zeets just emailed me a suggestion for how to neg the group of four girls from this post.

Act like you’re going to be a nice guy and pretend to take a normal pic. Step back and zoom all the way in on their tits! Show them like it’s a work of art you’re so proud of. “I think I really captured everyone’s personality in this photo.” They’ll be punching you in the arm with their wet labia!

FTW. This is even better than pretending to run away with their camera.

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Programming Notes

– July 2009 was the biggest month here at Chateau Heartiste. There were 473,908 views of exquisitely beautiful O chained to an iron pillar with her ballroom gown hiked up, getting whipped on her blushing naked buttocks with a riding crop by a masked man. O savored every lashing.

– Recently the blog passed 100,000 comments. 99,999 of those comments were cringeworthy online flirtations leading to blue balls. The 100,000th comment was left by Firepower, responding to Gunslinger, in my ‘What Is A Natural?’ post:

Gunslingergregi

Whiskey bro you need to start carrying around a severed head

dewd – quit stealing
all my moves

Yes, I know. Don’t all gasp with astonishment at the profundity of comment #100,000. It is auspicious in ways your feeble beta brains cannot begin to comprehend.

– I was going to write a separate post announcing the winners of the ‘Test Of Your Negs’ post, but after skimming through the comments I got depressed. The answers most of you gave were horrible. You’d have been better off asking them where they went to school. Hint: Calling a girl fat, or implying she’s fat, is not a neg. Despite the hundreds of shitty attempts, I managed to find a few gems.

Tyler:

Taking pictures for girls is always an easy way to jump into conversation. This is one way I might handle this situation (Let’s assume the girl to the right is the target):

girls: Hey, can you take a picture of us?
me: yea sure…(take the camera) Okay, on the count of 5!

Count off until 5, take a picture….but completely cut out the girl in the yellow. Hand the camera back as you normally would, and they will check the picture as always.

If I were to “defuse this d-bag” it would just be out of the kindness of my heart. I don’t think it would be necessary, but I’d probably just say something for the sake of conversation. “so how did you end up getting dragged out with all of these girls?” then he’d tell me they either all went to school together, or that he is meeting the girl in the red for the first time off of a craigslist ad, but she doesn’t seem that interested…so I could gain a little knowledge about the group.

girl in yellow: “Hey, you cut me out of the picture!”
me: “what? yea I know…I didn’t think you wanted to be in it…” (strait faced)
girl in yellow: ??? (she is confused)
me: “I just assumed that since you didn’t do you hair or anything that you didn’t want to be in the picture ” (now you can start smiling at her)

me: “If a girl can pull it off…I usually prefer a girl with messy hair anyways”

You can keep her wondering if you have the opinion that she can pull it off or not…she will probably ask…just smile, don’t answer and have her buy you a drink.

Actually, just cutting the girl out of the photo is enough of a neg right there. I’d hand it back and “Oh, how about that. You got cut out.”

Roosh:

To the guy: “Hey man you can’t let these aggressive girls squeeze you out of the photo like that.”

To the girls: “Couldn’t you guys make a little more space for your guy friend here? He looks all sad and lonely and shit. Like someone just told him his little kitten died.”

Guy is done. Will be even better if he says something like “But uhhh I don’t have a kitten.”

I would go for the girl on the far right. She doesn’t seem to need a neg but if it was necessary: “Very cool necklace where did you get it from? I saw some many like it being sold in this market for 3,000 pesos. That comes out to a dollar fifty in american money. Cool though, anyway.”

If she likes my vibe she’ll ask “which market” and then it’s clear sailing until I get cockblocked by the asian.

Chuck:

i’d go after the asian chick:

“oh, sorry, let’s take another, your eyes were closed”

This is NOT a good neg. However, it is very funny.

lurker:

“It’s so nice to meet some girls who don’t feel the need to dress up to go out and have fun.”

So close. Take the edge off it a bit with this rewording: “It’s so cool to meet girls who are confident enough to go out without getting overdressed.”

Cannon’s Canon:

Being asked to take a group photo is like winning a free set. First, I turn the camera and take a photo of myself. Then, I ask the group what emotion they are going for. I’ve drawn this out into a whole photo shoot routine, where I suggested contrasting emotions to do some push-pull and described some scenarios to do a little role-playing.

This is more of a routine than a neg. If you have a fertile imagination you can really run with this idea.

el chief:

My target for sex would be the brunette on the left. Blondie has nice tits, but I think the one in red is prettier.

I’d neg the group as a whole by accusing them of being bridge and tunnel crew. In Vancouver, there is a shitty white trash suburb called Maple Ridge (”Maple Ditch”), and I’d ask them how they’re going to get home there if they’re drinking all night.

Blondie gets negged for being too rosy cheeked. I’d ask her if she’s part Asian (they get red when they drink), and accuse her of being a lush.

Asian girl gets accused of being a banana (yellow on the outside but white on the inside), for hanging with “gwai-los” (white ppl). I would ask her if she’s blondie’s half sister.

I’d ask Mexican girl if she rode her bike to the bar [cuz she looks like a hippie]

Red shirt, I would neg her by ignoring her for a while, and chatting up everyone else. Later, I would compliment her on her sweater, and how my boss has the exact same one. That’s JC Penney right?

I would not attack dude right away. Try to make friends with him, and get his ok to be in the group. Then, slowly grind him down. Question him on why he’s out with these girls when they obviously don’t want to bang him. Goad him into hitting on other girls in the bar.

In the future, I’m just going to hand over the comments section for all game related posts to Roosh and el chief.

Also, to the commenter who ranked the girls in the picture as 1s, 0s and 4s, you are a raving basement nerd who would probably jizz in his pants if one of those girls talked to you. If those girls are 1s, then 99% of the world’s women are 1s. Get a grip.

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Shady Character Game

With the right props and an inscrutable demeanor, you can take advantage of women’s instincts to be attracted to violent, unpredictable, enigmatic men. What’s that you say? Hot babes don’t go for criminals, thugs, or cold-blooded soulkillers? Keep telling yourself that.

If your lying eyes aren’t enough to convince you of the depraved nature of women’s desire, take it from the commenters who have every incentive to prove me wrong.

S. (a girl) wrote:

I don’t think something as far as implying you were a killer would be effective, since I wouldn’t want to be left alone with the guy. The person I’m currently seeing tells me that he implies he used to do a lot of drugs because it builds intrigue, in spite of it not being true. When I went to help him move however, I found some court documents for things like vandalism, petty theft, etc. and I was surprisingly more unfazed than I should have been.

Do you want a woman eating out of your palm? Make her think you’ve killed people! Don’t actually tell her, of course. Just leave subtle hints about a shady past you may or may not have had. Let her fill in the blanks. Although they will never admit it, women love filling in the blanks of the lives of their men. By cultivating an aura of mystery you give your women permission to indulge their need for manufactured drama. This is what women do best: Create worlds of pointless drama to impart meaning to the childless void in their lives. Men don’t do this because the very nature of men’s existence is drama, AUTHENTIC drama, from birth (more male babies than female babies die) to death (men die younger and die more often from accidents, disease, and violence).

Commenter Madras offered some good ideas for Shady Character Game:

Two tricks I use for relationship/regular-fuck-buddy game:

1.  Put a round under the pillow she is going to use every once in a while and let her find it.

2.  Forward her news articles about un-solved murders.

This would work. Here are my suggestions (some from personal experience):

• Cut letters of various shapes and sizes from magazines and make a threatening note to an anonymous recipient. “Forget” to mail this “letter” and keep it semi-hidden in your top desk draw. One thing I’ve learned over the years — if a woman likes you she is eventually going to snoop through all your shit. You won’t be able to stop her, no matter how diligently you watch over your stuff. Because of this sinister female reality, I have perfected the art of the “rapid evacuation shit”, so that when I have a girl over and I have to take a dump, I can force out the turds at lightning speed and be done in under 15 seconds, less time than she is able to start poking around my place. I’ve had times where I was in the bathroom for a couple of minutes enjoying a pleasant dump, and when I finished the girl was standing at the bathroom door confronting me about a CD she found next to my computer that another girl had made for me.
• Do you have arrest records? Keep them hidden in plain view. The worse the infraction, the wetter she’ll get. Unless its an arrest for possession of child pornography. If you don’t have arrest records, you can find guys who do and make photocopies of theirs, then scan the copies into your computer and use photoshop to change the name. Best type of arrest: Manslaughter. She’ll think you killed a man who probably deserved it and you had a good lawyer who got you off.
• Keep one long, sharp knife in a separate kitchen drawer by itself. Never use it to cut food. Bonus: It has an ivory handle carved with arcane Pagan symbols.
• Store drug paraphernalia in a cabinet. When she asks, tell her they’re “items of interest”.
• Did you cut yourself badly once? Save that blood-stained garment in your dresser. Alpha move: Put a “bullet hole” through the blood stain. Super alpha move: The garment is a woman’s blouse.
• Do you have any Mafia connections in your family? I do. (See: Goodfellas, Scene I, Upstate New York). Hang on the wall an old photograph of your great grandfather looking like a sharp-dressed Don.
• Keep a small, black velvet purse full of cubic zirconia stones (or if you’re really poor, quartz crystals) stashed in your bedside table.
• Passports with stamps from countries designated by the CIA as sponsoring terrorism or those which have no diplomatic ties with the United States are sure to pique your woman’s interest. For a pointer, see this list. If you haven’t been to these countries, just make your own stamps and read Wikipedia for a cursory knowledge of the local culture and political climate. She’ll never know the difference.
• Never let her see, or put something inside, the trunk of your car. If she presses, tell her the lock is broken.
• Install a large safe. Never tell her about it, or what’s inside. Keep one dried black rose in the safe. “Accidentally” leave the safe lock combination in full view one day for her to find.
• Do you have an attic or basement? Buy a large, antique oak chest with a giant lock and store it there.
• Occasionally rise from bed at 3AM while she snoozes. Leave for an hour. When you return, rustle the sheets a lot so she wakes up. Do this twice a month for a year.
• Own a gun.
• Own a vial of arsenic.
• Own a green-eyed black cat.
• Have a crate full of videocassettes or microfiche in your closet marked “Drop off points”, “Runners”, “Moles”, and “Sabine”.
• In blood red ink, have what looks like a love note in your jewelry box with the words “You did this to me” written on it.
• Have a “lost year”. When she asks you about it, assume the thousand yard stare, sigh heavily, and say “There’s not much to say.” Smile, and pour yourself a cup of tea immediately after saying this. It adds weightiness to your words.
• Edit a family home video of yourself as a child with interspersed frames of a cute but unkempt girl sitting on the floor in the corner of an empty, dimly lit room speaking to the unseen cameraman. She is dragging her hand through her hair while saying “I can’t right now”, “Stoooop”, and “I won’t tell anyone”. You will need to have made the “girl on floor” film with one of your girlfriends. Remind yourself to do this. Once you have finished this creepily intriguing edited film, place the cassette or DVD in plain view so your current girl(s) see it.
• Take a bunch of old-style, photo booth pictures of you and a girl you’re dating. Draw a thick black bar over the eyes of your girl. After you break up, save these “girlfriend redacted” photos for a future girlfriend to stumble across.
• Build a darkroom.
• Give yourself a cool facial scar.

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