What To Do When You’re A Girl’s Second Choice

Sidewinder asks for help with his online game:

Online game update: 2 weeks ago I asked for advice concerning a girl who politely cancelled meeting me because she had something going on with someone else and wanted to see where it went. I wasn’t sure how to respond because it was generally polite, and since we had never met, I felt any kind of negative response would indicate butt hurtness.

Good call. Think of female politeness as entrapment to lull beta males into revealing butthurtness.

Yareally seemed to agree and suggested that I stay positive and say something casually light and humorous. I responded to her “good luck. Let me know when you’re ready to party with a real man”

She responded last night “so…..I’m ready to party with a real man.  ” Any suggestions on how to close this one out? My thought is to completely ignore her previous cancellation, but to somehow motivate her to prove her interest to me.

Shouldn’t be too hard to close this girl. She handed you a serious indicator of interest. Play around with her a little more, and then escalate.

“Ok, I’ve got Justin Bieber on the line for you. lol”

As the second choice of this girl, you have to focus extra hard on qualifying her as worthy of your attention, because the head space she’s in right now is very conducive to perceiving you as less man than what she ideally wants. That means DO NOT reference her previous cancellation or her excuses (unless it’s in a humorous way, but even that is fraught with risk), and DO NOT express any sort of gratitude for finally getting a shot with her. It DOES mean acting as if you were the one the whole time deliberating whether she was worth your effort to pursue.

“Great. Swing by my place first, we’ll pre-drink with hot cocoa and snort fresh country air.”

Playfulness, dismissiveness, self-regard. These are the keys to the VAJ lounge.

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Banging Students

Reader mas00 asks,

question for CH readers.. so I TA at a college getting my masters and I sent out an email to my class and I got one back from a 6-7 in my class.

“Thanks for a fun quarter! It’s the first time I actually enjoyed going to section.

Hope to see you around!”

how can I flip this to see if she really wants to see me?

You don’t need to flip anything. Girls will rarely go out of their way to email a man such effusive praise unless there’s a sexual undercurrent. My bet is that she harbors illicit thoughts about you and her… together… under the silver moonlight.

Since you’re not a professor, I don’t believe the standard ethics codes prohibiting teacher-student affairs applies, but someone in the belly of the beast who is more informed can correct me if I’m wrong about that. A safe ROI reply would be simply providing an opportunity for her to meet you in an out-of-school or in-my-office context, and see if she bites. For example:

“I’m giving career advice to students on [X] at [X], if you’d like to stop by we can discuss further.”

Isolation is the key here. If the calculated ruse is not your thing, then just straight up segue into flirty banter.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were flirting with me.”

If she’s at all interested in seeing you again, she’ll respond to that stinky bait in a way that indicates she’d like the conversation sustained rather than curtly cut off. Plus, such an email gives you plausible deniability should any school termagants get wind of it and summon you to a tribunal. Really, given the risks, you’re best off communicating with this girl in person, instead of over email. At the least, use your personal email.

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Aloofness Will Make Women Want Sex More

Readers have been writing to express their gratitude ever since the CH “Dread” post was published, which advised men in loveless relationships to become more aloof and unavailable as a means of reigniting their women’s desire for them.

Women respond viscerally in their vagina area to unpredictability, mixed signals, danger, and drama in spite of their best efforts to convince themselves otherwise. Managing your relationship in such a way that she is left with a constant, gnawing feeling of impending doom will do more for your cause than all the Valentine’s Day cards and expertly performed tongue love in the world. Like it or not, the threat of a looming breakup, whether the facts justify it or not, will spin her into a paranoid estrogen-fueled tizzy, and she’ll spend every waking second thinking about you, thinking about the relationship, thinking about how to fix it. Her love for you will blossom under these conditions. Result: she works harder to please you.

The bitterboy haters really swooned with indignation after reading that post, feeling deep in their bones that anything less than flowers and constant supplication was the only way a man should act if he wanted to revive a flagging relationship. Hundreds of testimonials to the contrary would not convince them. Theirs is a Hallmark world, and goddamnit it’s going to stay a Hallmark world.

By why heed your real world experiences and the wisdom of CH when you can wait for CREDENTIALED EXPERTS to give you the go-ahead to try something new and daring with your life?

But the [female] rationale [for wanting sex] I’d like to focus on here is one that’s rarely alluded to in the literature: namely, a woman’s wanting sex–and at times desperately so–out of fear that her partner may be on the verge of leaving her. That is, she may actively pursue her spouse sexually to help deal with powerful feelings of anxiety, stemming from her intuition or knowledge that her relationship is in jeopardy–fragile, teetering, or on the brink of collapse.

The woman’s apprehension about a possible break-up may derive from her partner’s broadly hinting that he wants out of the relationship or, in fact, from his directly informing her of his intentions to move out and file for divorce. Or it’s possible she might suspect that he’s having an affair; or (because of the vast emotional distance separating them) that he’s actually fallen in love with someone else and, on that account, secretly planning to desert her. In a panic about it all–especially if she still feels devoted to him, or there are children involved and she’s frantic to keep the family together at all costs–she may be desperate to initiate sex to feel less helpless, as well as to exert some control over (and hopefully alter) her husband’s errant, non-loving behavior toward her. […]

As a consequence of her distress, or anguish, she’s strongly impelled to prompt a heated sexual encounter whereas previously she may have shown ambivalence, apathy, or even a marked antipathy toward making love with her partner. Withdrawn and quite possibly sexually shut down, in the bedroom she may take on the role of “aggressor”–or, probably a better term, “seductress.” […]

Ironically, the sex that can emerge from the considerable trepidation and anxiety I’ve been describing can be unusually passionate. Though I’ve already characterized such sex as “fear-inspired,” the very intensity of this fear can transform itself into substantially heightened sexual arousal — such that the end result of lovemaking can be electrically charged (what noted sex therapist, David Schnarch, actually refers to as “wall socket sex”!). It’s as though, ironically, the woman’s pronounced fear of abandonment renders her capable of having more abandoned sex than she may have been capable of before.

As we say in the business —  Game. Set. Snatch.

Le Chateau ahead of the curve, again. A little bit of fear and dread will motivate a sexually retreating woman to joyfully spread for the sake of committed love. To put it in even more concise terms: Do the opposite of a beta male.

Dread is essentially a form of the scarcity principle, producing effects in the sexual market similar to the effects seen in the economic market when an in-demand good is in short supply. Not only will calculated doses of dread revitalize relationships, but it will also allow average men to date much hotter women than they would be expected to date by the dunderhead masses.

Maxim #55: A man can shoot way out of his league if he acts as if he is the one occupying the higher league.

Dread, or fear-inspired romance, is not a relationship cure-all. An average man can keep a level-headed hottie on a string for about six months using nothing but anxiety-inducing seduction techniques, but beyond the six month mark fissures will begin to erupt. Women’s hindbrains can fry from too much sustained anxiety, and past that point relationship management with a beautiful woman becomes more difficult, requiring more emotional investment from the man. Accepting this reality, the man will usually opt for gaudy beta displays of commitment, and as if on cue this will cause the hottie to reevaluate her relationship options.

Given the long-term risks of overuse, dread is still the winning move for the average man. Just as five minutes of alpha > five years of beta for women, six months of sex with a hot babe > ten years of sex with a plain jane for men.

The best news is that dread is exceptionally effective as a tool to coax hot sex from a woman if you are within an already established relationship, such as marriage. The trick to keeping the bedsheets stained with poos joos is the subtle application of intermittent dread, which releases your woman’s anxiety just long enough that she swings wildly between cuddly comfort and ravenous restlessness. Sustained dread is better when you’ve started dating a girl, and particularly the types of eye-catching girls who get propositioned on the daily.

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The Number One Move That Will Attract A Girl And Turn Her Against Self-Annihilating Leftoidism

I learned this trick during a stint as a roadie for an arena rock band. If you can’t trust advice about women from a rock star bathed in the afterglow of a ███████████ orgy, what dating advice can you trust? So he told me, “█████████████”, and “███████”, and I waited an hour backstage for the follow-up demonstration.

It worked like ███████. I’d seen things, but this moment was revelatory. A full ten minutes into the ██████, the young vixen’s face flushed from ██████ and █████, I was convinced. A safe enough amount of time has passed since that ████████ that I can reveal the secret of the quasi-neoreactionary rock stars to you.

Essentially, it boils down to this one word: ████████. Lead your conversation in this manner, and the dominoes fall in order. Her ███████ will ██████ like an old growth forest, and her ██████ will erupt in a confetti storm of ███████ rupturing all her ███████ until she is █████ in your presence.

I tried it on a red-haired ingenue. Her █████ quickly melted to relieved ██████, and it wasn’t but a half hour later when she was begging me to █████ a line of ████ off her ███. I thought at the time it was a request straight from central ████, a banal cliche, but there are some cliches so █████████ that they are worth experiencing unironically, in all their raunchy ████████. What can I ███? I’m a sucker for sappy pay-offs.

Afterward, she whispered a terse sweet-nothing in my ear:

“█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

███████████████████████████████████████ ,”

and I knew right then that this was the girl I would ███████████.

Note: The author has had to redact material in light of recent news that the American government is spying on any and all communication taking place between free citizens. The author regrets this necessity, but believes it a small price to pay to fight terrorism and nativist restrictionists who would shut the borders to the free flow of terrorists.

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Relationship Game: The Day-To-Day Alpha

A dusty tome retrieved from the recesses of the Chateau study reveals an ancient code inscribed by prophets of yore:

statement-statement-question

What’s this, you ask? Why, it’s the alpha male way to direct a conversation with a girl! Why this way? Think of the alternatives.

question-question-question: Bludgeoning a woman with questions makes you sound desperate for a connection.

statement-statement-statement: The bane of the tone-deaf, try-hard man unknowingly alienating a woman because he’s not listening to her and he’s giving away all his mystery.

Framing what you say into a statement-statement-question format is the ideal mode of seductive communication, because it demonstrates in equal measure an ability to command a conversation and to interact with a woman. You first lead the convo with a statement, then ask a question to get the girl yapping. It’s the art of charismatic rapport.

Similarly, there is an ideal way for a man to direct a long-term relationship so that it’s maximally rewarding and minimally punishing. Directing a relationship means, in practice, striking an optimal balance between your alpha and beta behaviors. Succinctly, beta behavior is romantic and alpha behavior is sexy. Or, to put it another way, beta behavior is reassuring and alpha behavior is alluring. There’s more to them than that, but that’ll do for purposes of this post.

In yesterday’s post, reader Sidewinder asked,

How does one do obligatory beta things in the course of a relationship in an alpha way?

The key words here are “in the course of a relationship.” The ratio of your alpha to beta will be different with a woman who already loves you and to whom you have already committed, than it will be with a woman you have started dating or with whom you don’t want anything more than a sexual fling. Like the statement-statement-question ratio above, the alpha-to-beta ratio would look like this:

Short term sexual flings or pre-LTR dating: alpha-beta-alpha.

Long-term romantic connections: beta-beta-alpha.

If you’re doing it right, you’ll be less beta early on when the girl needs to feel your masculine sexy energy, and more beta later on when the girl needs to see more signs of commitment. You’ll be more alpha up front, less later (as a function of time spent together), and the beta behavior that is more like a pleasantly surprising seasoning during the early stages of courtship will become more of a staple in an LTR.

Rephrasing these ratios into game lingo, your behavior will generally be push-pull-push when you meet a girl and have to build her attraction to you, and pull-pull-push when you are in a committed relationship and the girl has already made an investment in you (and you in her), and your margin for beta error is larger and your margin for alpha alienation is smaller.

This is the fundamental reality of sexual polarity and male attractiveness duality. The effects of a man’s sexuality will change as he oscillates between alpha and beta behavior in accord with the woman’s need for signals of long-term investment.

So occasional Acts of Beta are not a horrible thing; in fact they’re necessary if you want a relationship with a woman longer than three months that isn’t corrosive or emotionally exhausting. But there are more and less attractive ways to “be beta.” Giving of oneself can come from a place of neediness — supplication, cloying flattery, fearful obeisance — or it can come from a place of self-assured joy.

Here are some common Acts of Beta refitted so that they’re executed with an alpha attitude.

Gift giving

Don’t buy something for her at the moment she’s leering at her object of acquisition. This is what men who are happy to support golddiggers do. Buying her stuff when she most expects it will only increase her demands for more stuff. It’s better to keep your gift-giving spontaneous, cheap and thoughtful. Flowers left on the table for her when she gets home. A small, goofy poem tucked into the clutter of her nightstand. For added effect, act at first like you don’t know who got her the gift. Inquire if it was her secret lover, and threaten to one-up “him” by buying her a yacht. Don’t get carried away with “special occasions”. One gift and done for birthdays and anniversaries. Keep her expectations low, and it will always be a challenge to disappoint her.

Making entertainment decisions

Ok, so she chooses a chick flic. This is not the worst thing in the world. With a little forethought, you can persuade her to choose a movie less vomit-inducing. Preempt her suggestions and take the lead in guiding her choice: “This is going to take a lot out of me, but I’m willing to watch a girly movie with you tonight, as long as I get a say in the matter.” She’ll feel bad about putting you through torture, so she’ll be more open to watching the less obnoxiously sappy chick flics, like Seven.

Doing things together

The worst thing you can do is not make a bad choice, but make no choice at all. Every man will be faced with those moments when he either can’t be bothered to think of something to do with his beloved, or he really can’t come up with any ideas. “What do you want to do?” are the most terrifying words a man will hear, next to “I missed my period” and “I had lunch with my ex.” Whatever you say, don’t sound wishy-washy. Even if your idea sucks, it’s better to forcefully present a sucky idea than to waver and say you’ll do whatever she wants to do. Now, this doesn’t mean you don’t get any input from her. It means you offer a suggestion, and be flexible if she makes a counter-suggestion.

Shopping together

If you get that expectant “Will you buy this for me?” look from your woman, muse thoughtfully about the product, and then announce it would look great on your mistress. Ask your girlfriend/wife if it comes with a motorcycle. Wait a few months, and then buy it for her. The object here is to never get caught being the type of man that asks “How high?” when his woman wants him to jump.

Making it rain

If you’re going to spend beaucoup bucks on your girl, (and you’re a well-off man for whom the expenditure is inconsequential), don’t get her “stuff.” Buy her experiences instead. Two plane tickets to a European city will be appreciated more fondly than a thousand pieces of jewelry.

The crying game

Every so often a girl just needs a good cry. Maybe she had a bad day at work, her parents are bugging her, or she got a shitty haircut. Let her tumble into your arms to sob it out. And, though this won’t need saying for the more experienced men in the audience, don’t say anything. Over and over, I’ve rediscovered the power of keeping your trap shut when a woman is in the midst of an emotional draining. Hug, stroke, and silently sympathize. That’s all you need to do.

When she says annoying or stupid shit

Follow the 80/20 rule. 80% of the time, ignore her or change the subject. 20% of the time, call her out on her bullshit.

Compliments and flattery

Keep it rare, spare and unawares. The best compliments are unexpected, and evenly divided between being romantic and raunchy.

Advice

Don’t bother. Women are constitutionally incapable of receiving advice in good faith without twisting it into an attack on their character or attractiveness. Either lead her to what you want her to do, or let her flounder on her own.

Conversational fluff

Expect that in any relationship, she will be doing 75% of the talking, and you will be doing 75% of the head nodding. If you don’t like this, you should be dating a man.

When things get really frustrating

Leave. It works wonders. Slip out the back, Jack. Return in a few hours, after she’s had time to think clearly about the rift her bad behavior is causing.

If she fattens up

Dump her. Serioulsy. You are staring down the barrel of decades of unsatisfactory sex and resentful withdrawal. If you truly deeply love her, the best persuasion is leading by example. Exercise more, get buff, draw attention from other women, flirt with other women, and, if you are really fucking subversive, buy her a dress in the size she was before she got chubby.

Maintaining mystery

The toughest thing for any man is staying mysterious for his woman. The more a woman knows about her man, the less excited she feels about him. An easy way to inspire wonderment is to stay late at work a few nights, unannounced. Another way is the calculated revelation: “Oh, I thought I told you I was a local karaoke legend?” Be more unpredictable. Try speaking in a fashion that avoids your most common tropes and semantics. Radically change your style of dress. Join a club. Attend a seminar. Anything to shake up the monotony.

Cuddling

Make a small effort to not fall asleep after sex one in a while. Cuddle. Under no circumstances should you be the little spoon, unless you’re being a clown about it.

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Bringing Balance To The Masculine Force

Sidewinder asks,

How does one do obligatory beta things in the course of a relationship in an alpha way? Wives and girlfriends will not accept skittles as gifts on a regular basis. At some point it will be her turn to pick the movie, and it will usually be a gay selection. How do you share in the celebration of whatever girl milestones she’s happy about?

I recall seeing a good post about alpha ways to propose, but my question goes more to the day to day level. After you’ve been with a girl for 3 months or so, she’s looking for a connection. Constant aloof game will eventually lead to her just thinking you are a negative, critical dick. But being a mushy beta herb is fatal as well. Maybe I’m suggesting a new post “Relationship Game: The Day-to-Day Alpha.”

CH readers who are familiar with the archives know that “aloof game” is not all there is to inspiring a woman’s love and fidelity through all four weeks of the month. Beta reassurance game matters, and in fact will occupy the bulk of your time with any woman who is more than a sexual fling to you.

The reason Chateau Heartiste, and game blogs in general, focus on attraction-building seduction techniques and attitudes is because for most men — and especially for men with a lot of White and Red Nordid ancestry — aloofness and charisma around women don’t come as naturally as, say, white knighting and slow wooing via the display of beta provider signals. The world West is changing, and a different kind of seduction is needed.

Most men are betas by definition, and the “art” of buying girls stuff and complimenting girls and tending to girls when they are upset in order to win their favor is second nature to such men. The beta provider’s mental resources aren’t taxed by spending real resources on women. That’s the beta’s bread and butter. In contrast, the beta male feels tremendous psychological distress when his bread and butter isn’t working and he has to delve into the crimson world of exotic seduction tactics to inspire lust in women. This is when the beta, after having endured in crestfallen solitude from the bar room wall the spectacle of sociable alpha males hoarding the pussy, decides to turn to the lessons of applied charisma.

Regarding Sidewinder’s question, the day-to-day relationship stuff is not particularly hard or incomprehensible for the inveterate beta male. He’s been ready since birth to assume his role as the “I’m a caring man and I’ll be there at your side to dry your tears and listen to you bitch and promise you how beautiful you look when the baby is disgorging itself from your wide-open bloody vagina” man that all women claim they desire, but actually don’t desire until times get tough or their oxytocin levels are elevated. (Or the SMV differential between the woman and the man is so great that he can afford to be a beta.)

But just because that sentimental huggy-wuggy stuff comes easy to betas doesn’t mean they’d see no benefit from supercharging their relationship game with time-honored and field-tested seduction strategies. A man who has brought balance to his masculine force — a man who has sharpened his far-focused beta bonding on the whetstone of near-focused alpha allure, and knows how to apportion each by amount and timeliness to induce maximum arousal in his woman — is a man of such rarefied self-awareness that women will die for him. Or at least defend his right to pimp them out.

Building on this premise, tomorrow’s post will be about those “day-to-day alpha” things that men should do to strengthen and invigorate their loving relationships with women.

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The Official Spinster Logo

Imagine this on a T-shirt. You’d open so many sets wearing this because girls won’t be able to resist shit testing you about it. When they do, ask them if they want to be a member of A.S.S. — the American Spinster Society. Tell them you’re working hard to eradicate judgmentalism and loneliness from the world.

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