“I only take Viagra when I’m with more than one woman.”

Fame, wealth, and charisma have made Jack Nicholson the heartbreaker of 2,000 women.  At the age of 70, and looking every bit of it, he spends his leisure time in boats with a tumbler in one hand and a bevy of young women draped around him like his royal concubines.  This means Jack is The Man.

I’ve got the biggest tits here.

I can already hear the female chorus of unctuous naysayers.  “Oh, I would *never* sleep with him.  He’s gross!”  “Fame and money don’t matter to me. It’s the man inside that counts.”  “If Jack Nicholson came onto me I’d turn him down.”

Right.

You don’t know how you’d act in the company of a major male celebrity, but I can guarantee you it wouldn’t be anything like you say you’d act from the comfort of your bedroom where there is no chance of ever meeting Nicholson.  Virtue is easy when you have no other choice.

A face-to-face meeting between Jack and a good girl who scoffed at the idea that she would submit to his charms would be a sight to behold as she gradually abandoned every one of her principles. 

First, her heart would race.  But she’d try to remain calm and aloof.  After all, she’s not like those starfucking sluts.  Then, Jack would speak.  And it would sound just like all those movies she watched with him in it.  He might even drop a quote or two.  *sqeal*!  Oh boy, her composure is starting to crack.  Maybe Jack might lasciviously angle his body so that his hot Oscar-winning breath blows across her neck and his belly brushes her arm.  He does this with his trademark sunglasses reflecting the light and his shit-eating joker grin exuding total unstoppable confidence.  She no longer notices his belly and man boobs.  Her loins feel like a rainforest. 

She looks around and something she does notice is how many beautiful women are languidly caressing Jack’s body, laughing at his every word, blatantly aroused to the point of orgiastic explosion.  For some inexplicable reason, noticing this turns her on even more.  Parrots and monkeys are swinging through her snatch.  Jack pats his lap.  No words exchanged; she walks over and sits in it.  He smells like drunken old man, but all she can think of is how attractive his eyes are when he squints from the sun.  Minutes later, in the cabin, Jack’s wang is driven in to the hilt.  Heeeere’s little johnny!

A woman’s principles are like an impressionistic painting — beautiful to contemplate from a distance but all over the place once you get up close.

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From Kitten to Cougar

It’s depressing to see drunk older women at nightclubs vainly trying to hold onto their former glory.  It’s a study in contrasts when these aging beauties go to clubs full of kittens.  They aggressively flirt with every guy because when they haven’t been hotly pursued by a man under 60 in ten years they turn to the hard sell for male attention.  If the cougar asks you the time and you give it to her she takes that as a signal to stroke your chest provocatively.  They rationalize this pathetic behavior as maturing into a confidently assertive woman who is done playing games like they did when they were “silly girls”.  There are so many self-help books now I think a person could positively spin just about any shitty life predicament.

I can think of quite a few girls I frequently see haunting the nightlife scene who’ve gone from kitten to cougar in just a few years.  Many women in the socialite crowd have crossed the cougar rubicon, yet stubbornly refuse to give up their lifestyle.  When all you’ve ever known is the inside of a club, 37 varieties of martinis, and dancing on raised platforms as horny guys give you your attention fix, it’s understandable you’d find it hard to accept your demotion to has-been hottie.

Cougarness in strangers is not hard to identify.  Friends are another matter.  When you see a person every day you don’t notice their physical changes from aging so much, but someone you see once every six months can shock you with their age-related deterioration.  The precise changes are hard to pinpoint but taken as a whole it’s obvious when the bloom of youth is gone.

The statuesque woman on the left is on the cusp of cougarhood.  Even though she has admirably stayed in shape, her upper arms betray her age, especially around the armpit, as do her sinewy hands.  You know her flesh would not bounce back from a firm squeeze, like a quarter off a Marine’s bed.  If she is still single, her time is short to find a life partner before she has to begin lowering her standards.

After marriage and kids, most women surrender the willpower to fight the ravages of time and let themselves go, content to become matronly and raise their children.  This is the normal progression of life.  But with career-delayed marriages and perpetual dating where she is waiting around forever to find a man who will meet all 463 bullet points in her mental checklist, the clubs are beginning to fill with women who have missed the boat yet won’t admit it to themselves.

Desperation causes them to do just about anything to cling to their fading looks.  You will see women over 30 suddenly lose a lot of weight because they are under the impression that being skinny will shave the years off.  Celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Renee Zellweger do this.  While it beats being obese, most simply look like bony older women with sunken eye sockets and loose skin.  Tom Wolfe, in his prophetic opus ‘Bonfire of the Vanities’, called these women “social X-rays”.  It was an excellent description, as it highlighted their physical emaciation along with their superficiality.

This is an unwanted chest-stroking waiting to happen:

Eventually, the cougar who is sufficiently self-deluded about her ability to attract men becomes a brothel madam.

This woman is a fixture at the eurotrash clubs around town:

She is pretty, but it is only a matter of a few years until a roaring cougar emerges.  She looks Russian, which means that she will hit the wall sooner and harder than most women her age.  She has done the smart thing here by hooking up with an older man.  She will look hot to him for a longer time than she would to a younger man.  Not surprisingly, he displays the body language of a former player.  I suspect he is an artist of some sort.  Older male artists, as opposed to older male investment bankers or lawyers, are especially gifted at banging Lolitas.

As a man and an aesthete, watching women grow old and their beauty disappear forever is the greatest tragedy of life.  If I could magically prevent every woman from aging and thus increase the aggregate beauty in the world, I would do it.

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Girlfriend or Fling?

Player or Poseur gave me many minutes of quality entertainment, so in homage to that theme here’s something similar I call Girlfriend or Fling.  Examine the photo and figure out by superficial judgement alone if the girl(s) featured would make girlfriend material or good time material.  Does she look like the type of girl you could trust to be loyal and faithful, or would you be more likely to catch her dancing on a bar one night with a club monster sliding a hand under her skirt?

The girl on the left would make a solid girlfriend, assuming she met your attractiveness threshold.  The girl on the right would make an excellent one night stand.  She is dressed sluttier and is more assertive in her grinding.  Plus, playettes are always striking poses in order to draw attention to their bodies… their bread and butter for getting what they want.  Girls with better values and a stronger internal compass tend to smile warmly and sincerely at the camera, because they are trying to convey their personalities.

Date Girl #1 like she was a normal human being who would be happy to enjoy the pleasure of your company.  Wait 2 days before returning Girl #2’s texts and phone calls, and when you do set up a date, tell her to wear something revealing.

Addendum:

This photo gives a better idea of what kinds of traits men notice when deciding girlfriend potential.  These two girls are nearly equal in attractiveness (in fact, they might be sisters), so differences in beauty are neutralized as a variable.  Yet, the girl in the orange top has heartbreaker written all over her while the other looks more grounded.  Judging by their clothes is difficult since there is not much distance separating them, though the orange top plunges lower showing more cleavage, and lace is always indicative of sexual adventurism.

Like with the first pic, the smile says it all.  Blue shirt girl’s smile is natural, unforced, and inviting.  She doesn’t give the impression of hiding anything about her true character.  Orange shirt girl is looking seductively at the camera under heavy lids.  She is making love with the viewer, while blue shirt girl is making friends with the viewer.  I would feel safer dating blue shirt girl.

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L’accident de voiture tue la famille, mes amours.

She can tell you about the plane crash
with a gleam in her eye.

Frequently cited as the world’s most beautiful news anchor, this girl perfectly balances her femininity with the unnatural burdens of being a modern ambitious careerist woman.  Very few women can pull this off, but if I had to guess I’d say French women come closest.  No matter how masculine their pursuits, French women never seem to lose touch with their inner sexy seductress.  Watch how she sits with her shoulders slightly scrunched up, how she subtly flirts with the audience through a raised eyebrow or a jutting bosom or fingers run absentmindedly through her hair.  This woman is aware of her beauty and is happy to let men watching her enjoy it.  There is not a hint of what Fred Reed calls “the Chip”.  She is at peace with the fact that her power derives from her looks.  American women should take note.

Check out her goods at 0:18 seconds.  magnifique derriere!

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A Quick and Dirty Dating Guide to Foreign Girls

Like most measurement tools of the quality of a man’s game, the flag metric doesn’t account for a girl’s hotornotness, but it is still superior to the notch count because foreign girls do have subtle differences in their outlook on life, their behavior during courtship, and their opinions of men that will test the flexibility and resourcefulness of a guy’s game.  The sum total of a foreign woman is more than her ethnic cuisine.  It makes sense that, for example, a Japanese girl and a Peruvian girl will yield very differenct experiences for the player attempting to bed them.

Not knowing the distinguishing traits of whatever foreign girl a guy is trying to pick up won’t kill his chances with her because the fundamentals of game are universal, handed down from the cosmos like the ten commandments of poon*.  The tried and true methods will work regardless of her country of origin.  Nonetheless, knowledge of her ethnic idiosyncrasies will put a man way ahead of his competition.

The one structural advantage any guy has with foreign girls, namely the allure of the exotic (hybrid vigor for you science wonks), is not something that can be learned.  I assume it counts for some fraction of my interactions with them, but since most of the foreigners I met were in the US at the time and surrounded by “exotic” American men I don’t think that advantage played much role.

The following observations are based on the foreign girls I have been with for more than a one night stand.  All of them were recent (less than one year) emigres.  Feel free to extend these gross generalizations to the entire ethnic group.

Russian – I have a thing for Russian chicks and Eastern European chicks in general.  Their apple faces and chiclet teeth make my loins sing.  The toughest part of gaming them occurs right at the beginning, getting progressively easier once the front line defenses are breached.  They are a challenge to approach because they compose themselves with an icy aloofness that tells a guy he will get his balls handed to him if he dares interrupt her calculated repose with a “hi”.  Once opened, the Russian chick will shit test you like there’s no tomorrow.  Her barrage of caustic rudeness will shock you and leave lesser men reeling.  This defensive mechanism has been honed from a lifetime of dealing with Russian men who went caveman on her with direct game.  The important thing to keep in mind is that her initial flurry of verbal blows is a paper tiger.  Successfully parry her and you’ll notice her eyes immediately light up with attraction.  Underneath the chilly exterior she harbors an uncontrollable desire to submit to a worthy man.  If you are that man, she’ll transform from bitchy ice queen to sultry seductress in a flash.  Sex with them will be like nothing you’ve ever experienced with an American woman.  They are ravenous in the sack and love to be dominated.  Their submissive posturing and obvious delight at servicing your sexual perversions needs will make you feel like a man who missed the memo on the feminist revolution.  When she gives knob jobs, which is often, you will sense right away that she enjoys every minute of it and is not just doing it out of obligation — your dick may as well be a vodka popsicle.  Don’t be surprised if she sweetly asks you if you’d like to do her in the ass the first time you make love with her.  There is only one answer to that question.  Caveats: Get to them before they hit 30; after 30 it’s instant babushka.  Also, Russians are incredibly manipulative.  They can smell fear upwind.  If she is able to get to your soft underbelly, she’ll rip you open.  Don’t ever show weakness or let her know she’s won you over.  An old Russian proverb says:  Once a woman captures a man’s heart, she loses interest.  This is doubly true for Russian women.

Polish – The second most warm-hearted, selfless, and charming girl I have ever been with was a Polish girl who, unbeknownst to me until the last days of our fling, happened to be married.  Which shows that even angels with a heart of gold are capable of infidelity.  Contrary to the ethnic jokes, Polish girls are not stupid.  They are sharp and funny and hopelessly romantic.  Yes, Polish girls are more romantic than even French or Italian girls.  Their romantic idealism is not as stylistic as the French nor as passionate as the Italians, but it goes deeper and they feel it more strongly.  If you recite a poem you wrote to a Polish girl on a date, she will love you for it without a hint of cynicism.  They are less materialistic than most and that is reflected in their strong connection to nature and the supernatural.  You will get more mileage out of watching a sunset with her than with any other type of girl.  A Polish girl will fall in love with you the second your dick grazes her labia.  Most Polish girls are naturally thin — they don’t exercise much but they don’t eat much either.

Czech – These are the new “it” girls of Europe.  They are all unconventionally hot.  Czech porn is bookmarked in my browser.  Czech girls love buying you things and they relish the sappy romantic phase of courtship.  “Let’s take a walk under the moonlight” is a common refrain you’ll hear from her.  Czech girls have embraced the feminist dogma of the West yet remain tied to the traditional dating mores of Eastern Europe which makes for a lot of hypocrisy.  But that’s OK, because all you need to be is an oak tree for her to lean on through the storm of her emotions.  The one Czech girl I was with was average in bed.  Clearly, the American sense of entitlement had corrupted her after only a few months in the country.

Estonian – It has been said that the hottest girls in the world hail from Estonia’s capital Tallinn.  I believe this is correct.  My next trip abroad will be to Estonia.  Like other European women, Estonians dress stylishly, are comfortable in their womanly skin, are naturally svelte, and love the company of men.  They hate Russians so if you want to win points with her drop a casual anti-Russian remark about how you heard their women drive their men to drink and an early death.  Most Estonian women are 9s and 10s with the approachability index of 6s and 7s, so when you find the rare one in the US you absolutely must go for it.  They like to wear baby tees that accentuate their ample Baltic bosoms.  Estonian women are so beautiful their 40 year olds are more fuckable than America’s 25 year olds.  If you are smart, spend the day with your Estonian lover being seen at your favorite pick up spots in the city.  When she goes back to her country, she will leave you the parting gift of unbelievable social proof you can cash in for six months of American tail.

French – Fashionable, coquettish, flirtatious, worldly.  These stereotypes are accurate.  Hairy armpits, anti-American, and loose?  Inaccurate.  True to their image, French girls love to be seduced as much as they love seducing.  Just make sure you know what you’re doing.  Heavy-handedness or clumsiness during the pick up will turn her off.  Subtlety is key, even if it’s cheesy subtlety.  Play hard to get with a French girl; they eat that shit up.  Emphasize the “tortured brooding artist” angle a la Ethan Hawke in ‘Great Expectations’.  If you have a rudimentary knowledge of black and white photography, offer to take her picture.  Nitpick her tiny flaws while you are arranging the shot — “this lighting is bringing out the severity in your nose.  here, let’s just move your head this way.  perfect!”  The French have an inflated sense of self-worth so open a 6 the way you would open a 9.  Don’t expect her to fall in love with you just because you penetrated her.  Do expect her to have other lovers on the side.  If she moves back to France you will never hear from her again.

Finnish – If you think teasing is all part of the fun of flirting, you will not get along with a Finn.  Joking banter that arouses an American girl will send a Finn rearing up with indignation at your effrontery.  You will be left scratching your head at how someone could be so hypersensitive to your playful humor.  I used to call my Finnish girl “finn-skinned”.  She almost cried.  The upside is that a Finn chick is a naif in the art of head games, so you’ll never have to deal with her flirting with other guys in a bar just to make you jealous.  Finns are introverted.  There is a sly Finnish joke that goes:  How can you tell if you’re talking to an extroverted Finn?  He looks at your shoes.  But don’t mistake this aversion to sociability for weakness.  Remember, these are the people who held off a much larger Soviet invading force.  And the best sniper in history was this guy.  A Finn girl’s introversion hides a surprising strength of character.  She won’t tolerate her man walking all over her.  Fiercely loyal and commitment-oriented, Finns make fantastic girlfriends.  More than other women, Finns appreciate small gestures like spontaneously buying her a rocket pop from an ice cream truck.  Finn girls smell fantastic and look ten years younger than their age.

Chinese – These girls are sensitive and hold to traditional beliefs about dating and courtship.  Seducing them ham-fistedly will backfire.  If she is hot, don’t bother with backhanded compliments or other similar tactics designed to put a girl on the defensive about her beauty, as the Chinese girl, like the Finnish girl, will take everything you say at face value.  A little game goes a long way with Chinese girls, especially if you are a white guy.  They are natural caretakers and will be very supportive of you while you are going through a tough time.  While they don’t have a reputation as romantics, they are in fact quite loving and affectionate.  They are not as earth-shaking in bed as the Russians, but they can make love for hours on end and have an encyclopedic knowledge of fornication positions.  They have a kinky streak.  Odds are you’ll get a finger up your ass in the middle of sex.  Oh, and it’s true, Chinese girls are very tight and have soft skin like teenage vulva.

Romanian –  Romanian girls come from a very tough land, one of the poorest countries in Europe, and this stressful upbringing has molded them into very traditional marriage-minded women.  Dating them will be like a time warp to the 1950s.  At least, that’s what I’ve heard from friends who have dated them.  Unfortunately, the Romanian girl I hooked up with had been in the US for years.  It showed.  I only include her to demonstrate what a pernicious effect American life has on a foreign woman.  Occasionally, I caught glimpses of her former self — the bouyant whimsy, the joie de vive, the optimism, the humbleness.  Too bad her soul was slowly getting crushed.

Ukrainian – see Russian if from east Ukraine; Polish if from west ukraine.

So there you have it.  Be thankful if you live in a US major metro area.  These cities attracts many foreign girls.  Once you start dating them, you’ll wonder why you ever bothered with American women.  The only downside is getting rusty at dating American girls.  When your foreign lover leaves, there will be a difficult period of withdrawal as you adjust to the realities of dating the local scene again and all that it entails – the princess issues, the status whoring, the cellulite, the attention seeking, the bitterness, the neuroses, the strident anti-feminine careerist beyotch militancy.  It will be enough to make you want to pack up and leave.

*more on this later.

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She Eats Her Peas One at a Time

Women don’t have to be the only ones to enjoy the fine art of pigeonholing the opposite sex based on superficial attributes like his choice in cologne, the color of the buttons on his striped shirt, or whether his fly is undone.  Now men, too, can peer into the soul of prospective mates using the flimsiest criteria.  At least some of the idiosyncrasies I look for have the imprimatur of science behind them.

Is her index finger longer than her ring finger?

If so, she’s a girly girl.  Normal in most respects.  I won’t expect surprises from her.  If, otoh, her ring finger is longer she will probably be more assertive, less coy, hornier, more logical, and slower to fall in love.  She will have likely played a team sport at some point in her life.  She may dress like a tomboy.  She’ll employ an array of head games, but with an emphasis on the aggressive part of passive-aggressive.  Odds are she plays guitar, that most manly of instruments (long ring fingers make fretting easier).

Does she have lots of dark forearm hair?

Girls with this have more circulating testosterone.  They will be more likely to sleep with you by date 3.  Although forearm hair on a girl is unattractive, rejoice when you see it, because it means the moment of sexual congress is nigh.

Is her heart line broken?

Read her palm.  It’s an integral part of any man’s pickup routine.  Even the most intelligent and educated girl will suspend her disbelief when the subject turns to the paranormal.  Does she have a lot of hatch marks on her heart line?  Hatches, or interruptions, in the heart line mean you are one lover amongst many.  Don kevlar condoms.

Which finger does she accessorize with ring(s)?

Excluding wedding bands and dowries in the shape of diamond engagement rings, the ancient Greeks had a system of associating each finger with a god.  The finger she puts her ring on represents the god to whom she pays homage.  You’ll see a lot of DC women wearing their rings on their index fingers, the finger of Zeus, symbolizing leadership, control, and power.  Expect a woman with an index finger ring to enjoy sex on top, demonstrating her subjugation of you, a mere mortal.  She may even choke you a little… watch for icepicks.  A ring on her middle finger, representing Dionysus, means she’s a jump-up-on-the-bar, lookatme chick.

Does she have a large trashy tattoo anywhere near an erogenous zone?

Slut.

Does she sport one small tattoo not of a butterfly or Chinese symbol?

She’s a good girl with a healthy libido yearning for some harmless excitement.  Don’t make the mistake of assuming she’s a slut.  She’s just waiting for you to think that.  Her benign tattoo smokes out the judgemental pricks (narrator excluded).

Does she carry a small purse?

She’s practical!  She’s down to earth!  She has the right values!  The small purse says so many positive things about a woman — it’s only big enough to hold the essentials, like cell, lipstick, gum; it’s easy to carry so she’ll focus more on your conversation than on how best to maneuver a monster purse into a comfortable yet showy position; and it doesn’t insist upon itself that the world recognize her fashion savvy.  Introduce her to Mom.

Does she carry a humongous designer handbag?

Opposite of above.  Her god is materialism, her goal is status, her groin is gonorrific.  Feel free to crush her heart as callously as possible.  It’s dominate or be dominated when you tangle with a giant-purse-carrying wench.

Is she a redhead?

Naughty nympho.  Sex with her will be amazing.  Sign her waiver absolving her of any culpability for damages incurred as a result of the future depraved acts she will put you through.  Think I’m glibly stereotyping redheads?  Check this out:

From the 19th century Cesare Lombroso reports the hair color frequencies of whorish Women Offenders Against Chastity:

                     Criminal    Normal

Fair-haired           26%      12%
Dark-haired          26%      20%
Red-haired            48%      0%
Chestnut haired    41%      68%

Stereotypes don’t materialize out of thin air, you know.  Once your sultry redhead has corrupted your tender heart, pop the question:

“Did you steal my wallet?” 

Is she a blonde?

She might be dumb…

Of the 50 subjects with learning disabilities, 10 (20%) were blond. In contrast, 121 of 1067 subjects without learning disabilities were blond (11%)… subjects with learning disabilities were nearly twice as likely to be blond compared with non-LD subjects…. These results raise the possibility that melanin may be involved both in the development of motor dominance and independently in the devilment of neural systems which, when maldeveloped, result in learning disabilities. (Schachter, Ransel & Geschwind (1987) Associations of Handedness with hair color and learning disabilities Neuropsychologia 25: pp. 275)

…but more likely she’s just got a big bloated head from all the guys slobbering over her.  Show her off to your friends while satisfying your cravings for hot, wet, sheet-twisting boom boom with the ponytailed brunette you met at a crafts fair.

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Designer Vaginas

So it seems that aging women, all too aware of the loss of sexual power accompanying their fading youth and unable to accept their inevitable decline, are turning the surgeon’s scalpel to their private parts.  At the risk of losing sensitivity they are chopping away at the low-hanging hammocks their vulvas have become.

Known as elective genitoplasty, the surgery usually entails shortening or changing the shape of the outer lips, or labia, but may also include reduction in the hood of skin covering the clitoris or shortening the vagina itself.

Just like other types of plastic surgery, they’ll probably go too far until the vagina looks like a mannequin cat.

Men, however, do not usually want the size of their genitals reduced for such reasons.

Scientists are baffled.

Patients who sought genitoplasty “uniformly” wanted their vulvas to be flat and with no protrusion, similar to the prepubescent look of girls in Western fashion ads, they found.

One piece of advice, ladies.  Don’t fuck with the camel toe.  (Snark alert: “Prepubescent” is bittercode for “youthful”.)

Wizard sleeve enthusiasts are up in arms:

It is the negative meaning that makes it into a problem — meanings that can give rise to physical, emotional and behavioural reactions, such as discomfort, self-disgust, perhaps avoidance of some activities and a desire for a surgical fix.

Yes, right, negative meaning.  That’s the ticket.  Maybe older women and the betas who go down on them just think adolescently smooth, tight vulvas look prettier than wrinkled, floppy bologna slices?  Everything else on a young woman looks better than the older version of herself, so why would vaginas be exempt from this natural law?  Gravity and cell senescence don’t give the genitalia a pass.  These modern day Puritans need to stop badgering people for their decisions to delay the horrors of aging as long as possible with the tools of science.

I figure most of the nip/tucking is being done to older vaginas that have suffered one too many blows — childbirth, piercings, repeated slammings by large cocks, vibrator overuse — and now flap like bedsheets hung to dry in the spring breeze.  Since I stopped dating women less than 5 years younger than me once I reached my late 20s, I can only go by the mature porn I watch religiously to satisfy my secret fetish for things that gross me out to the point of seizure.  And old cooze is not a pretty sight.  Obese women with grossly distended vulva may be getting their vaginas refashioned, but if that’s the case, if I were their plastic surgeon I would tell them to concentrate on other parts of the body first, like the parts that are actually seen by people.

Young women with genetically oversized labia might be availing themselves of this procedure as well, but their numbers must be few in comparison to the older patients.  There is a lot of variance in the shape and size of the young pussy, but it’s the kind of variance that is still pleasing to the eye.  I feel bad for the girl who is way outside the norm in labial aesthetics for her age group.  It’s like having what could’ve been a sexy mole right *on* the lip instead of slightly above it.

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