In Defense Of Cougars

In yesterday’s post, commenter Joel included a link to a letter by Benjamin Franklin to a young man extolling the virtues of no strings attached sex with older women. I reproduced it here because it is so damn funny… and true!* Ben was such a card. I especially like his Reason #5.

***

Benjamin Franklin, Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress (1745).

June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend.

***

*Still, I’m not sure even all Ben’s sensible reasons together would be enough to compensate the loss of sensual pleasure accompanying the sight, scent and feel of the older woman’s body and odours.

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The Five Stages Of Cougar Grief

Denial

“I’ve still got it, baby!”
“I’ve never looked or felt better.”
“These are the best years of my life.”
“30 is the new 20!” [editor’s note: actually, in woman years, 30 is the new 40]
“My sex drive is higher.”
“I will age gracefully.”
“I’ve really grown into my skin.”

Anger

“No self-respecting man dates some 20 year old floozy.”
“Men who date younger women can’t date women their own age.” [editor’s note: replace can’t with won’t]
“It’s the patriarchal misogynistic culture that devalues older women.”
“Who needs them!”
“Pigs!”

Bargaining

“Once I apply this new tangerine-emu oil antioxidant exfoliating facial cream predigested and squeezed through the anus of a bird of paradise, I’ll look ten years younger.”
“I’ve got a great personality.” [editor’s note: no, you don’t]

Depression

“Wow, I guess it’s all over. I’ll never find a man now.”
“It’s just me and you, Fluffy. Come here, mommy needs a kitty cuddle.”

Acceptance

“Maybe settling isn’t so bad. That homeless guy outside Whole Foods has nice hair.”

***

I suppose I should feel guilty for robbing so many single older women of exciting and fulfilling dating lives and leaving them stranded in favor of dating younger women, but then I squeeze that supple flesh and smell that enticing natural aroma and I remember why I don’t.

You will too.

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The Easiest Way To Bang A Hot Chick

If you are a beta who lacks the game, attributes, or status to bed 8s and above there is hope for you. By choosing your targets wisely, you can experience the exquisite and unparalleled pleasure of having sex with a hot girl — the kind of girl normally reserved for the apex alphas at the top of the human food chain. The trick is in knowing how to identify the most responsive targets.

I’ve devised a search and seduce target designation system for finding the hottest girls most likely to give it up to a sub-alpha such as yourself. Each of the factors listed below corresponds to better odds that the hot girl who has that problem will date and bang you. As the “negative” traits accumulate, the odds of hot girl sex increase exponentially rather than linearly.

• Over 25
  Odds increase by: 10% for each additional year, -20% age 30, +30% ages 31 and up

Obviously, the window to take advantage of the Age-Leg Opening association is small, perhaps only 5 years, because past a certain age her legs will no longer open to the vagina of an 8, but a 6 or less. And if you’re going to settle for 6 vaginas, you may as well limit your efforts to young 6s. In the rare cases where a woman manages to stay hot into her 30s, expect the Age-Leg Opening association to temporarily reverse around the age of 30. This is because all single women experience a delusional reevaluation of their marketability when they hit the milestone of 30. They play hard to get one last time in hopes they can recapture the glory of their youth. Of course, this phase ends quickly as she rediscovers reality and spinsterhood looms. After this brief but frantic period when she has gone through the five stages of cougar grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance* — she’ll adjust her Leg Opening Quotient incrementally until she stops being invisible to men.

* Future post.

• Single Mom
  Odds increase by: 50% for the first kid (85% if a Downs Syndrome kid), 20% for each additional kid

A hot chick’s kid will give you the second biggest bang for your buck (see below for the biggest hot pussy discount). Since it is ingrained in men to avoid investing their precious resources into the raising of another man’s spawn, especially if that other man was some badboy who stretched out her vagina and left a stargate for you to have frictionless sex, a woman who is raising a kid on her own due to poor judgment, getting dumped, or divorce (75% chance it was initiated by her) will be the most congenial date you will ever experience. There will be zero shit testing and she will have nothing but smiles for you. Her hand will be on your thigh within five minutes of meeting, and she will pay for your drink out of courtesy for the time taken from your busy schedule to meet her. A single mom who has the night free because her kids are at grandma’s is good to go before the first drinks arrive. They often have condoms in their purses, glove compartments, medicine cabinets, nightstands, and in a secret compartment behind that portrait of great-aunt Gertrude. You should definitely wear your own bulletproof condom with a single mom because you know you are dealing with a fertile woman and one who will be tempted to entrap you old school style. Flush the used condom immediately after you are done. They are that desperate.

Note: Avoid tripping over toys and landing on your erection.

• Physical Deformity
  Odds increase by: 20 – 150%, depending on severity of disfigurement

This is by far the most advantageous flaw a hot chick can possess. A perfect 10 with a physical deformity, even something trivial like a missing pinky toe, will devalue her own beauty. The worse the deformity, the lower her self-esteem will drop and the higher her character will rise. A 10 with a missing boob will think and act like a 7. Missing an entire leg? She’ll be a de facto 4. Hermaphrodite? Her secret shame will put her on the level of a morbidly obese smelly hausfrau. Naturally, you’ll want to focus on those disfigured women whose abnormalities don’t detract from their pretty faces or sexy bodies. The girl with the missing arm from this post qualifies. A girl with a moustache or steatopygia would not.

Note: Personality deformities have NO EFFECT on a hot chick’s self-appraisal. In fact, a seriously flawed personality may actually boost her ego, as she will continue to get attention from men no matter how poorly she behaves, and will assume it means, using chick logic, that her shitty attitude is what keeps them coming back for more.

• Former Fatty
  Odds increase by: 10 – 70%, depending on length and heft of fat phase

Yet another goldmine for the beta who wants to taste the forbidden fruit of exceptional pussy. A former fatty, by dint of her painful past dealing with the cold stares of indifference and sneers of cruelty, will be grounded and grateful for male attention. A former fatty’s mindset is still that of the fat girl she left behind – the mind changes slower than the body. The time to strike is when her memories are strong and her reconstructed body is tight. The fatter a former fatty was, the more appreciative she will be of your romantic interest. A 300 pound whale who slims down to a svelte 120 pounds will attack you sexually with the zeal of a released inmate let loose in a brothel after 20 years in the hole.

Caution: The longer a former fatty is skinny, the more her soul will twist into the corrupted spectre of a self-absorbed egomaniac princess. You’ll want to catch her before her horrible memories fade (think “Silence of the Heifers”), she swaps loyal down to earth friends for superficial hottie friends, and hundreds of betas throw themselves at her feet.

• Recent Divorcee
  Odds increase by: 20% if she filed for divorce, 40% if her ex filed for divorce

A recent divorcee wants to feel attractive again. She probably hasn’t had sex with her husband in years and relishes the prospect of intimacy with fresh cock. A divorcee is different than a rebound. Most hot girls on the rebound will keep their standards. A hot divorcee will lower them; she has been insulated and out of the dating scene so long that your fawning beta attention will be attractive to her. Double plus leg-spreading points if her husband left her in the middle of the night for a stripper half her age. She will crave your sexual desire. Expect to feel like the woman on any date with her.

• Foreigner
  Odds increase by: 60% if she is from a patriarchal culture (Russia), 30% if she is from a feminized culture (Sweden), 80% if she is from a dirt poor patriarchal culture and she’s trying to get a green card

The theory of hybrid vigor and the “expert from afar” psychological phenomenon makes hot foreign pussy very attainable for the average American beta male. Even interstate travel can increase the odds of a beta scoring pussy normally out of his reach, thanks to the automatic deference that girls give to strange men from faraway lands. (Hotel bar + traveling salesman = fling.) You will do very well with an East European green card whore who has little sexual experience with foreign men. The fact that East European women are significantly more beautiful than American women is just icing on the cake. With the right motivation and travel itinerary you could conceivably pull your first 10.

Note: Due to the hypergamous trajectory of feminized Western cultures where the hot women are accustomed to sharing the top 20% of men and the leftover betas are sniveling papoose-wearing spineless turds, your exotic foreign aura won’t be as effective at landing that bombshell Swede without supplemental alpha traits.

Conclusion

Beta, desperate, and settling is no way to go through life, son. You don’t need to fantasize what sex with a really hot girl feels like, anymore. By zeroing in on girls with any combination of the above characteristics, you can greatly improve your odds of banging quality pussy.

There aren’t many guarantees in life, but if you find a hot 29 year old, single Russian mom with four Downs Syndrome kids, a superfluous clitoris and a missing engagement ring finger, who used to weight 450 pounds, and whose husband divorced her yesterday before her citizenship was approved, sit back and relax, betaboy. Your job is done.

Happy hunting!

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Still Playing Games

I had a date with a 29 year old.

Remember that number:  29.

She texted me 15 minutes before the date to say she’ll be late, so I arrived even later than my usual 10 minutes late. When I walked in the bar, she was making an obvious show of enjoying the flirtatious attentions of two men sitting on either side of her. When we sat down at an outdoor table she told me how this seating arrangement would “discourage me from putting my hands all over her”. She claimed she couldn’t recall where we first met or what I said to her. She said she only dated men who paid for dates. She told me she gets bored easily*. The first question out of her mouth was “Are you a player?”. Shit test after shit test after shit test. Shit infinitum.

So I did the only thing a normal, reasonably well-adjusted man with a sense of personal dignity would do — I amped up my game to 11 and showed her the time of her life. I told her great stories that made her laugh, I touched her to get her comfortable with what would happen later, I pushed her away gently when she tried to give me a hard time, I qualified, I backturned, I cut short her boring conversations, I tapped into her emotions, I bounced her to new venues, I future projected, I ran the Love Test* (poon patented), the Cube, and Marry Fuck Kill. I read her palm. We psychoanalyzed other couples together. I explained the significance of her digit ratio. I danced with her on the street.

I drew her into my world and out of hers.

I took her home and culminated the night with hours of torrid, sweaty, passionate, body-shaking pornstar fucking lovemaking…

…and then I deleted her number.

I don’t care how hot you are, if you think you can get away with playing the same flaky, retarded, annoying female head games at 29 that you played at 22 you are sadly mistaken. Life is too short for your delusions of grandeur. Find a needy beta who will lap up your runny shit.

Last night was fun.

*Anytime an American girl tells you she “gets bored easily” you should immediately scratch her off your potential girlfriend list. I am saving you a lot of headaches with this advice.

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Sex And The City Movie

Any of my male readers who have seen this movie, voluntarily or not, are welcome to leave their observations in the comments. Feel free to use an anon handle if the shame is too great.

I’m curious to know your impressions. Was the movie hysterically anti-male? How many straight men were in the audience? During which scenes did the women in the audience shriek the loudest? What did your girlfriends/wives/female acquaintances like best about the movie? Will Sarah Jessica Parker win the Triple Crown?

I have a theory that SATC’s biggest psychological clit rub for adult female fans is the fantasy it portrays of women remaining sexually attractive to alpha males well into their 40s. A woman’s biggest fear is aging into sexual invisibility. SATC with its alternate universe of debauched unreality assuages that fear. It’s a feature length “You’ve still got it!” affirmation, allowing women the luxury of imagining the day of reckoning can be put off indefinitely. Unfortunately, in real life, Mr. Big glances right past Carrie Bradshaw at the hot fresh 21 year old waitress bringing his coffee.

I predict the 17-21yo female audience for this movie will be as small as the straight male audience.

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Speed Dating Sucks

I went to a speed dating event here in DC with my date and one of her girlfriends. The idea was that we would have some over-the-top fun with it while practicing our flirting skills on a maximum number of targets in a minimum amount of time in order to keep our game sharp. (Lord knows this is much easier for women to do. Their game amounts to cleavage.) We would pretend not to know each other. A side benefit from surreptitiously watching each other work the magic with other speed daters would be heightened sexual arousal that would resolve itself later in the night in panty-shredding lust. Kink alert in full effect.

We devised the questions we would ask our four minute “dates”. She wanted to see how much she could get away with so these were the questions with which she was going to pepper her speed suitors:

How much do you gross per year?
What kind of car do you drive?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Can you support me so I don’t have to work?
How many cleaning ladies do you think is reasonable?
What kind of engagement ring would you get me?
How much would you allot to spend on our wedding?
What would you like to name our first born?
What does your stock portfolio look like?
If my mother gets sick, can she come live with us?
How many cats do you think is normal?
Do you mind if I hang a portrait of my cat in the living room?
I’m a scientologist. Would you be willing to convert for me?
What were your SAT scores?
What was your standing as far as getting picked in gym class?

She even wanted to bring a Barbie and Ken, give them to the guy, and say, “now act out how we would resolve an argument.”

I admit I laughed at these. If the victims guys were smart, they’d play along and say things like “I have one whole cent in my stock portfolio!” Most likely, they’d get defensive or answer straight. Speed dating crowds are that kind of people.

Since I wanted to join in the glib fun, I made up a list of questions I would ask my dates to see how far I could push my game past its barriers:

Are you flexible? How many yoga positions can you get in? How long can you keep them?
Are you confident enough to go bra-less?
Do you like sex in public?
Are you comfortable with the idea of having yourself photographed nude?
Can you suck a thick milkshake through a straw?
Are you good a good cook? (actually, i use this one a lot)
You’re not a prude, are you?
How do you feel about housework in the nude? (Seinfeld nixes it.)
Are you cool with threesomes?
Would you consider yourself experimental in the bedroom?
Do you like to travel… to have sex in exotic locales?
Does looking at a cigar turn you on?

Unfortunately, neither of us got the chance to try out our souped-up conversational skills on unwitting speed daters. When we arrived, it was clear this was the saddest crowd of lonely hearts in all of DC. The women were mid-30s to mid-40s and older and looking every bit of it and the men, while older and, from the bits of conversation I overheard, successful professionals, made it worse for themselves by dressing in rumpled shirts like accountants on casual Friday and slumping in their chairs with the familiar drawn faces of those who have been beaten down by life. My date and her friend completely lost interest in sitting through even one second of this four minute dating of the damned, so we left as soon as we got our stick-on nametags. They should call it speed dying.

The impression I got walking by the tables of speed daters was the same I got when I first visited my grandmother at a nursing home — chamber of horrors. The rank miasma of bedraggled desperation, depression, and utter hopelessness was overbearing. It settled around me like a suffocating shroud of despair, sapping all the fun out of being alive.

There is nothing more pathetic and… alien… than a pre-menopausal aging childless woman throwing herself headlong into the chaotic vagaries of dating. When a woman doesn’t have children to nurture and raise by her early 30s she morphs rapidly into a sad and tragic creature — a shell entity of raging cynicism that can do no more than go through the motions — that no one wants to be around. Whatever is left of her innate femininity, beauty and sexiness is destroyed to dust by that point. And the men, despite their well-paying jobs as corporate lawyers, lobbyists, and policy analysts, seemed to have forgotten or never bothered to learn what it takes to attract a woman. Hint: waving a stable job and a fat paycheck ain’t it.

My advice to the guys who run these speed dating and related social events in DC: Stop charging $60 to $300 for your lameass glorified happy hours. I understand you’re all about making a buck, but when you set the price at airline ticket levels you will get those men who have nothing to offer but their money, and those women who want nothing else but those men who offer nothing but their money. End result: Older bitter women desperate for husbands and boring beta males desperate to slide comfortably into sexless soulless predictable suburban ennui. If you want to spice it up and attract a more diverse, fun crowd (read: younger), try a lower price range and more casually creative get togethers. But hey, it looks like you’ve cornered the niche market of schlubs and hags who’ll pay through the nose like clockwork every week seeing the same people over and over and hoping against hope that one more contrived event and another $100 will usher their soulmates through the door.

Tick tock and all that.

Verdict: *Shudder*

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Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be

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