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Archive for the ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos’ Category

Did everybody have lunch? Good, because you’re about to have it again! Behold (with a wide-angle lens), a primer on how to have fat sex. You’re about to enter (at orbital velocity) a world of fatties describing their sex lives and the necessary…adjustments….they must make to accommodate their morbid obesity to nature’s most instinctive act. Say hello to Corpulent Clarissa:

If you are uncomfortable talking about bodies or genitalia or fat people doing normal human things, then you should probably watch a different channel. Because we’re going to be talking about that today and lots of days following this.

When you’re unloved and alone, talk is all you’ve got.

So, some of you have seen my last video about fat sex and dating and I kind of just started to skim the surface on that one and I am going to change the format of how we do these videos just a little bit.

Skim the #FatSex surface. Like trying to skip a stone across the Pacific Ocean.

I’m going to answer one question at a time and I’m going to try to be more detailed about each answer. We will see how that goes.

Spare no detail. ISIS recruitment videos don’t offer enough gore to satisfy.

It’s a lot earlier than I usually film videos right now, so the sun is weird, my hair is weird, I feel very weird about this whole thing.

Fat chicks always feel weird when they can’t control 100% of their environment before a public viewing. Human-looking slender beauties don’t have this feeling.

So this is the question that I get the absolute most in my inbox, and it says, “I have a very large, gorgeous belly. Sometimes it gets in the way of certain positions. Do you have any advice for fat accessible sex positions?”

Forklift, crowbar, antiemetics.

I’m 30 and I’ve slept with a lot of people, and you kind of learn these things after sleeping a bunch of people.

The classic fat chick hamsterbrag. Fat women don’t have the slutty sex lives they want the world to believe. There aren’t tons of men, let alone quality men, banging down the fatty’s door for a bedroom romp. However, the fat girl who opens herself (heh) to the right demographic can rack up an impressive and emotionally scarring muhdik count.

First and foremost, all bodies have different abilities and it is essential to communicate those abilities with your partner. It’s just a really good idea to vocalize your limits before or during sex just so that the person or people that you’re having sex with know where your limitations on your body are. These are things that all people need to talk about.

The women with the least amount of experience with real men are also the women whose sex advice would most quickly and assuredly kill the seduction buzz. Could you imagine lawyerly hammering out pre-coitus contract negotiations with a girl about her “limitations” before unhooking her bra and sliding a finger under her panty elastic? Me neither.

This does not just apply to fat people. Some fat people have limitations on what they can do and some don’t.

I’ll guess the fatter the woman, the more limitations. Past some point of metric tonnage, you’d need dynamite and a pile driver before hitting pink fold.

I do yoga

walrusyoga

and I stretch and I do all sorts of stuff, but if my hips are spread for a very long amount of time, they get very sore. So one of the things that I do to help prevent my hips from getting sore, is I use very stabilizing methods.

Rebar?

So if my hips are spread then I like to put a pillow under my knees so that my hips are not bearing the weight of holding my legs up.

Each leg weighing the same as a small Toyota, you can understand why fatties have to spend so much time worrying about load-bearing positions.

Or if I’m on the edge of the bed and my partner is standing here and I am laid on the bed, I will put my feet on a chair or something, on each side of my partner. That way, my feet are bearing some of the weight of my legs and not just my hips.

What did the chairs do to deserve such abuse?

Another really common problem is having some knee issues and having issues putting pressure on your knees.

One of the biggest (heh) quality of life issues that dogs fatties is joint disintegration.

So if you like to ride your partner – whether they have a penis or a strap-on

😂 Rick/The Strapon Within’s secret life of HB harem smashing revealed!

[or] you’re just down to grind it – is to, instead of kneeling down on the person, to actually sit on the person.

Torture that was banned from Guantanamo for excessive cruelty.

You can also have your partner put pillows under their pelvis while you’re riding them to make penetration just a bit easier and to elevate their pelvis so that it is closer to your goodies.

I’m dying here! “After your woefully unsuited normal-sized penis penetrates fifty layers of blubber, you will hit the fat chick’s goodies, which is just a month-old piece of cake (plus plate and fork) that got wedged in the fatty’s vagina when she sat on it.”

This means that if you are somehow getting squished or if your thighs are being pinched somewhere somehow, you are allowed to take a handful of your belly and move it around if you need to.

This is how she found a pot roast, her (traumatized) cat, and that strap-on from last week.

You can also spread your thighs. You can ask your partner to spread your butt.

With the Jaws of Life. PS Jesus spewed.

You can do whatever you want. It is your body. You are allowed to make it as accessible and pleasurable as is physically possible.

Fat chicks are very concerned about accessibility.

If they’ve been dating you or even if they’ve only had one date with you, they know if you have a fat belly before you get naked. So you’re not going to shock them when you lift your belly up a little bit and move it.

Clothing can’t hide the fat chick’s size, but it can hide the gross details of her fatscape, like the rolls, the cottage cheese dimples, the massive underhang crease of her fupa….

So generally, when you do take the time to adjust yourself and make sure that you’re at the right angle or to make sure that nothing’s uncomfortable, your partner gets really excited about it as well.

And it usually feels really, really good for them.

Imagine how desperately horny a man would have to be for fatsex to feel “really, really good”. If he’s at that stage of indiscriminate horniness, car exhausts and poodle rectums would satisfy him.

And the fact of the matter is: No matter what position you are trying, the part of sex that is going to be the most fulfilling and make it feel the best is being able to communicate with your partner about your body.

#FatSex = logistical nightmare that requires hours of planning and coordination.

A year from now, you may be having sex with a totally different person. They might have different genitalia; they’ll almost certainly have different limitations with their body.

“different genitalia”. This is something people with few romantic options say. Cast a wider net and all that.

Fat people can absolutely have super fulfilling, phenomenal sex lives.

The land whale doth blowhole too much.

I think next up on the channel, we are going to talk about sex toys specifically for fat people and fat couples.

Will this talk include wiping implements?

CH Maxim #42: Those who bitch loudest about “consent” are women with few opportunities to give it or men with few opportunities to receive it.

The video of “fatgirlflow” discussing fatsex (if you have an urge to put porky mug to words):

PS Related, these were the recommended Everyday Feminism sharticles linked at the bottom of the FatSex post:

fatsexfriends

Bullies do nothing wrong.

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This story comes by way of The Sun, a Brit tabloid, so take it with a flat of salt, but if it’s accurate reporting then the Chateau doesn’t hesitate to claim that you are about to read the tawdry details of a male who can proudly wear the Cuck of the Century crown (a pink pussyhat).

Meet the man who lets his girlfriend have sex with other men…so that she doesn’t leave him.

Whoo boy, this one’s gonna be a doozy of omega male haplessness.

Before reading further, a definition of cuckoldry. The cuckolded man is one who unwittingly raises another man’s offspring because his wife (or reproductive partner in the hunter-gatherer parlance) secretly cheated on him and duped him into believing the bastard was his own.

Implied in the traditional definition of cuckold is the man’s lack of foreknowledge. We need a word to describe males who WILLINGLY and even EAGERLY acquiesce to their cuckoldry, for this debased creature is so low in sexual market value (and in dignity) that he does not even have the decency to be deceived into dishonor. He embraces his ignominy and wallows in it for the pittance of a rarely-parceled polluted pussypiece. There is more honor in the incel life.

How about SUPERCUCK to describe the open cuckold? Or CUCKTASTROPHE? KING CUCK? SCALZI?

WAKING up on a Saturday morning, Beatrice Gibbs takes one look at the naked stranger lying next to her before quickly putting on her clothes and leaving.

As the 22-year-old make-up artist walks home, she texts her boyfriend Adam Gillet to tell him she’s on her way back.

Beatrice feels no guilt as she walks through their front door – because Adam knows exactly where she has been and what she’s been doing.

The pair, who have been together for two years, have a one-sided open relationship.

Beatrice can sleep with who she wants, when she wants, despite Adam, 27, not having the same privileges.

This may be one of those times when I CAN’T EVEN may be applied with universally recognizable precision.

Beatrice….as if you didn’t already know….is a bigly obesity.

beatrice

They came to the controversial arrangement after Beatrice threatened to leave because she was unable to resist other men.

Correction: “black men”.

“I said I had to break up with him so that I wasn’t unfaithful. I didn’t want to hurt him by going behind his back with someone else.

“He was devastated and suggested we stay together but I could sleep with other people, as long as I told him who and when.

For Adam’s sake, I hope he’s literally retarded.

“It’s the perfect situation. I have a boyfriend I love but I also get to have fun with other men when I want to.”

fattyfiction.txt

She says: “I don’t feel guilty as we both agreed to our open relationship. I know it must be difficult for him but it’s the only way we could be together.

“The morning I see him after a night out I do sometimes feel a bit bad, but after a cuddle and a chat it’s just us being ­normal in our usual relationship.”

That’s not a cuddle, that’s asphyxiation.

Adam claims he has got used to their arrangement.

The warehouse worker says: “I really like Beatrice and I didn’t want to lose her. I’m happy for her to enjoy herself.

“We decided this is the best way to take the relationship forward so I have become used to it. I’m not really interested in chasing other women and I know if I did then Beatrice wouldn’t be happy about it.

Oh come on, this can’t be real. A genuine eunuch would be more masculine than this nominal male. A non-obese man can’t bear to be without a morbidly obese skank so he agrees to open polyamory for her and strict monogamy for himself to ensure she stays “happy”. I doubt a rabid man-hating bitterbitch feminist could come up with supersized slutfic as over-the-top as this without wondering if it would put her REEE-cred on the line.

“I did feel jealous to begin with, especially after the first time. I still feel a pang of ­jealousy when she mentions what she has been up to, but I keep it inside. I’ve learnt to deal with my feelings about it.”

The larger revelation here is the 100% TRUEFACT that many thirsty beta and omega males suppress their natural sexual desire under the false belief that this is what persuades women to stick with them.

“Three have been one-night stands and one is a regular who I sleep with around twice a month.

“He drinks in the same clubs I do, so we hook up at the end of the night if he hasn’t gone off with anyone else.”

Fat chick doesn’t realize she’s the garbage hour last resort for whiskey dick drunk losers. Not that the whiskey matters; a blubberbutt that yuge would have a hard time feeling a two-by-four jammed up her pig poke.

Adam says: “It takes away the worry about her cheating on me, if I let her sleep with other people she comes back to me.”

I WANT TO DISBELIEVE

Beta male thirst, entitled fatties, proud sluts, scheming single mommies, willing cuckolds…..what we are witnessing is the wholesale corruption and disfigurement of the sexual market in the West. This bloated baby is gonna crash and burn big time. Soon. Buckle up.

***

Sparta Doc G comments,

He’s gay. She’s his beard. That’s why he doesn’t care about her sex habits. He has no interest in them. The article is a cover.

The couple *claim* to still have sex. But yeah there is a flicker of gayface in Adam. And it’s true that gay men, not having any interest in the female form, don’t mind a coterie of fat fag hags as long as the fatties bring some sass and gossip to the friendship. It wouldn’t be the first time in history a closeted gay homosexual male took up with a fatty beard.

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Hillary Clinton’s (aka thecunt’s) GayMillennial staffers found a Taco Belle surrogate who could putatively bolster the Dems “war on women” trope against Trump and the Deplorables.

Alicia Machado, a Venezuelan import and former Miss Universe, claimed that in 1996 Trump had “fat-shamed” her for putting on 60 pounds in nine months (she alleges that he called her “Miss Piggy”) and consequently tarnishing the Miss Universe brand. Somehow, thecunt figured that this 20-year-old he said-she said soap opera would play well with the 2016 obese, gynocentric American electorate. She may have calculated correctly if she had had her “killshot” properly vetted before going public with this tactic, because the news about Miss Machado since her hugbox office debut has been nothing but LOLs and TOP KEKs.

This is how a killshot misfires:

-Parade a Woman of Color in front of studio audiences filled with manlets and bitter old cat ladies, to whom the WOC will claim (while reading from a Clinton-authorized script) that Trump insulted her for getting fat 20 years ago (a charge which, if true, is perfectly reasonable given that the Miss Universe title is ALL ABOUT LOOKING HOT AND SEXY….if you can’t push away from the table, don’t sign up for a beauty contest).

-Recline in your tactical genius and virtue signaling feels as you wait for your poll numbers to skyrocket.

-Oops, what’s that? A few intrepid shitlord journalists discover that Miss Machado was the alleged getaway driver from a murder scene in 1998 in Venezuela, that she had threatened the judge’s life after her boyfriend was indicted for attempted murder, and…it gets juicier…she was a hardcore porn star and the baby momma to a notorious Mexican drug cartel kingpin.

-MISFIRE. Go back to collapsing in a heap in 78 degree weather and being carried limp into a van by a detail of Secret Service agents who secretly despise you. The Parkinson’s is really kicking in now, and the untainted Diversitopia surrogates are in short supply. Time’s a-wasting!

A Sailer commenter weaves together the presumed Dem strategy and how it backfired so hilariously (and yet predictably),

I hope Trump, his campaign and supporters will jump all over this and help it to blow up in Clinton’s face.

I mean, really: Trump could not have designed a more perfect case in point, for what Democrats do with immigration, than this woman. Hillary finds a repugnant alien from a Socialist hellhole, who obviously does not have the qualities we look for in a citizen, but who is ready to bring her Socialist country’s narcissistic sense of personal entitlement to all the riches of our country; said alien then proceeds to shill for the treasonous political elites who hooked her up with access to native whites’ social and financial capital, promising to vote against the idea that America and its people should come first; when we are not sufficiently obsequious in this process, they have the temerity to spit in our faces and call us racists.

This is obviously illustrative of our immigration problem in its entirety: we should thank Hillary for making our point for us, and publicize the fact everywhere. I think Trump could be almost as angry and hostile to Hillary as he wanted on this topic in the next debate, with excellent results. I keep hearing people say that Hillary is actually quite smart and has been seasoned by years of political maneuvering, and that Trump should beware her political acumen. That sounds like it should be true, but I keep concluding that, in fact, she and the rest of the Left have simply never faced real opposition. If one is willing to strike back, they have left themselves open to any number of devastating attacks.

A-fucking-men. The Clintons are the worst….perhaps the most evil politicians in American history. You don’t take down evil of the Clinton caliber by pussy-footing around and adhering to the cuckservative tenet of genteel political oratory. You go for the jugular. And thecunt has had her jugular exposed and throbbing invitingly for so long its a testament to the cowardice of our supposed opposition party that they haven’t drawn a rhetorical knife to it….until Trump showed up, then suddenly cuck knives were out on display, quivering for the blood of the Deplorables.

Trump (Twatter handle: @realdonaldtrump) should leverage thecunt’s misfire and turn the killshot back on her.

“Hillary loves open borders so much she wants to give citizenship to trashy third worlders like Alicia Machado, who threatened a judge’s life and allegedly drove the getaway car from a murder scene in her homeland Venezuela. Hillary obviously does not care about serving the interests of regular Americans who don’t get involved with murder plots and Mexican drug cartels.”

Boom drop the Pepe.

The question that remains is how thecunt’s campaign so badly vetted Machado? There are three explantions:

  • Incompetence. Today’s Democrats are skilled in the art of snark but maybe not so much in the discipline of hard work.
  • Indifference. thecunt knew but didn’t care, figuring the media would do its appointed job covering up for Machado’s past.
  • Gullibility. thecunt and her supporters are so waddle-deep in their race creationist equalism religion that they truly believe all colored people are lights onto the world and unstained by original sin.

thecunt exploited a dumb, troubled woman for political gain, but that’s par for the course in Clintonworld. What’s funniest about this spectacle is how the Democrats can’t fucking BUY a halfway sympathetic Diversity token to stand in for substantive arguments; every one of these Current Year surrogates for the Democrat party platform has been a loser and a piece of shit. Which is unsurprising. The Confederacy of Deceivers will choke on the pile of human excrement they increasingly lean on to further their goal of subsuming America into the globalism borg.

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This story had me laughing. A little boy who didn’t know any better drew a picture of his fat mom looking like a blob.

blob

But the turning point came in February 2014 when her son Thomas proudly came home with a picture he had drawn at school.

Meryem added: “It was a family portrait with all members as stick figures except for me who he’d drawn as a round blob.

“It really upset me when I saw it but I didn’t have the heart to tell Thomas, I just went upstairs and cried.”

That, combined with an incident on holiday when Meryem couldn’t take part in activities because she was too out of breath, inspired a change.

She said: “My children called me ‘fat’ because they couldn’t fit their arms around me when giving me hugs. It was very upsetting.”

😅 Obesity destroys quality of life. Obesity kills romance dead. Obesity will not escape the merciless judgment of children. Not even a mother’s own son. A son who, by the way, has earned a Shiv of the Week accolade for his expert artistic rendering.

Can a child fat shame if he doesn’t know he’s doing it? He sure can. The shame burns the same — maybe even burns worse — when it’s unintentional. Is a fat mom going to rationalize her son’s fat shaming as “insecurity”, or as being “intimidated by strong fat women”? Will she oink in protest that her little boy isn’t a “real man” who “loves curvy women”?

Haha, no. She’ll cry herself to sleep and then, like this mom, push away from the table and lose a hundred pounds, slimming down to human form. Realtalking kids who shame without remorse can save lives.

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The sexual market is the one market to rule them all.

That’s a classic Chateau maxim. But reader Daffyduck thinks there may be evidence of a Current Year contradiction of the maxim.

My question to the proprietors is this: if the sexual market is the primary market, why do so many women (the vast majority of women where I live in the UK), do everything they can to lower their SMV? Tattoos, obesity, single mummery – all so ubiquitous now it’s close to impossible to find a woman that doesn’t have some dire self induced SMV cratering characteristic. Thank you.

On the face of it, this does strike one as a refutation of the primacy of the sexual market. But digging a little deeper into the mechanics of mate acquisition in postmodern Western societies, we find that the maxim holds as true as ever.

It’s a fact that obesity lowers every single fat chick’s SMV, often dramatically. 99.9% of men would choose a slender babe over a fat chick if they had the option to do so. (78.4% of black men)

Tattoos generally ding female SMV, although this self-induced body modification has mixed results depending on the woman sporting them. On hot babes, tattoos that don’t occupy much skinscape have a neutral to occasionally positive effect on their SMV. And don’t neglect the handicap principle, which postulates that prime nubility girls get tattoos as a way to advertise they have excess SMV to spare (The “Look at me, I’m so hot I can afford to defile my body and you’ll still love me” whore’s brag.)

Single mommery lowers female marital market value (similarly, their long-term relationship worth). As with tattoos on hot babes, single mommery won’t detract much from a woman’s SMV, but it will severely penalize a woman’s value as a long-term partner.

So as we can see, of the three SMV-altering inputs, only obesity reliably craters a woman’s SMV. Tattoos and single mommery are best avoided, but if a woman has a super tight bang-able body, most men won’t let a butterfly tat or a screaming sprog stop them (at least for the night. heh).

Here’s where we get to the grist explaining the source of Daffyduck’s confusion: Sexual markets are vulnerable to changes in the incentives for paternal investment. (Paternal investment itself is a crucial aspect of the sexual market.) As women become more economically self-sufficient and sexually liberated their mate acquisition algorithm begins to emphasize the targeting of men for sexual and romantic validation and to undervalue men who would make dependable resource providers.

Likewise, men who are less interested in commitment and family formation would seek out women primarily for sexual thrills rather than their maternal instinct or faithfulness.

If this is the operative sexual market, then tattoos and single mommery would not only have little effect on women’s SMVs, they may very well raise their SMVs by advertising a greater willingness to go all the way right away, (and to not make much of a fuss when she’s dumped post-chaste).

Now ask yourself, where do you see women with lots of garish tattoos and bastard spawn? The lower classes. And where do you see less dependable fly-by-night men? The lower classes. In the upper classes single mommery is still rare and tattoos, though more common than they once were, are tastefully inconspicuous. Obesity, too, is rarer among upper class women.

So it’s in the lower classes (now gradually expanding into the working and middle classes) where the sexual market has responded to the changing incentives and women have resorted to more “slut signaling” accoutrements like tattoos, skimpy trashy clothes, and yes even bastard spawn (a single mom is a slutty mom).

In the upper classes, paternal investment is still important, so we see less of this among the women who have kept to the traditional SMV norms of their sex: slenderness, clear skin, and childlessness.

Ok, you ask, if tats and single mommery are slut cues to men on the make, what about obesity? No man wants to boff a blob if he has a choice.

Female obesity does present a difficulty for the theory of sexual market primacy….until we realize that very very few women voluntarily choose to be fat (unlike the many who choose to get tats or bear the devil bastards of one night stands). Most fat women want to be thinner, so they know, whether they admit it to anyone or drown their egos in a vat of fat acceptance platitudes, that fatness kills their SMV dead.

Larger societal and chemical forces have conspired in modern societies to accelerate and amplify the gaining of many pounds of fat. Unless you’re careful and actively avoid sugars, grazing and processed foods (all of which increased exponentially sometime in the mid-20th century) then you will likely get fatter than your ideal peak performance weight. (Reminder: For women, peak SMV performance is a 17-23 BMI, 0.7 waist-to-hip ratio, and an age that is roughly half the age of gogrrl feminists looking to conceive their first and only autistic child.)

The relatively recent explosion (heh) of obesity among Westerners suggests that the existence of all these female fatties is not a refutation of sexual market primacy theory, but is rather evidence of a rapidly changing input variable that is causing immense (heh) volatility in the sexual market, as men respond by “dropping out” to amuse themselves with acceptable substitutes that are better than sleeping with a fat chick: porn, controlled substances, video games, and now even gainful unemployment.

So if you notice a lot of tattoos, obesity, and single mommery in the sexual market, you can deduce the following dynamics are in play:

  1. Men have less leverage and fewer mate options (due to sex ratio skew or female emancipation from needing to rely on men to provide for them).
  2. Women have utterly given up trying to find a husband and have settled for finding a cock notch or a sperm donor.
  3. Sluts are ascendant.
  4. Men are dropping out and tuning into substitutes for female companionship.
  5. Enormous upstream social forces are streaming down and wreaking havoc on the normal functioning of the sexual market.

None of the above redact the primacy of the sexual market. They are instead first responder symptoms of a sexual market in dire flux. In the final analysis, SMV remains king of human society, and any secondary markets (economic, social, political) that exert downstream pressures on the sexual market will eventually be reconfigured, even corrupted, by the unstoppable feedback loops unleashed by a primal sexual market convulsing from rapid transformation of the individual players and the higher order systems those players design.

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Via fagsnark central:

More and more women are now dying in childbirth, but only in America […]

Part of the uptick in cardiovascular-related deaths is because more pregnant women in the US have chronic health conditions such as hypertension, diabetes, and obesity, all of which put them at a much greater risk for pregnancy complications.

“It’s a larger problem than just dealing with women during pregnancy, it’s the health of our society,” said Callaghan. “Imagine a [pregnant] woman comes in with BMI of 40, and she’s 24 years old — that didn’t happen in the past year, it happened in the past 24 years.”

Obesity is not just bad for women’s health, it kills women’s romantic dreams…and it can kill them during childbirth. Blubber is an across-the-board decrease in quality of life (for men as well, but the impact of excess adipose is bigger (heh) for women).

But hey let’s have more fat acceptance headcases tell us all how much real men prefer women with one convex curve.

curves

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The Chateau is long on record espousing the aesthetic benefits of fat shaming on a mass (heh), coordinated scale to reduce the disfiguring incidence of blubberbutts in the United States of Asstronomical Fattitude. There is no nobler cause than reasserting the primacy of Truth and Beauty and beating back the satanic incursions of Lies and Ugliness.

Many slimlords have taken up the banner of fat shaming and naturally the fatties were upset. (Didn’t matter, because upset fatties can’t do much but weep tears of lard into tubs of ice cream). Now, gay supraheroine Milo has put together a shiv-worthy article speckled with numerous links to studies finding that indeed fat shaming does work, if by work we mean it motivates fatties to lose weight and non-fatties to refrain from ever getting fat in the first place.

Social pressure, peer group management, punitive and targeted taxation, ostracism, teasing, taunting, rudeness, ridicule, and my personal favorite, cruelty, are effective means of containing the spread (double-wide heh) of the obesity epidemic and helping at least some fatties lose weight and look like normal human beings again, complete with the happiness that accompanies the transition. It worked for smoking, it can work for fatties. The key is to get them while they’re young, before bad habits and DGAFism have metastasized. Judging by the number of porky schoolkids I see around, the need for a national fat shaming project — a Svelte Society, if you will — was never greater.

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