Vaj Day

‘Cause, really, that’s what it is. A day to celebrate vaj.

So in the consumerist spirit of the occasion here’s the Valentine’s Day card I plan to send out to my stable of regulars.

For my extra special girls, I’ve put the effort and love into making homemade cards:

I’m a romantic at heart.

Read Full Post »

Witty Banter

There are two types of chicks that give me headaches.

The girl who gets aroused by witty banter. Usually this will go on for hours until she is sufficiently lubricated for sex, and then another three hours after sex to seal the bonding process. Eventually, I give up on girls like this, and turn one eye to the TV while she banters into my exposed ear. 

Please, Witty Banter Woman, get your endless witty banter foreplay with a gay boyfriend (they are known to have the gene for witty banter) and then come back to me for the nonverbal coup de grace. Why do you think hours of verbal sparring, double entendres, and superclever sexual innuendo will get and keep my cock hard? I blew my witty banter load on the first run-up to your pussy, when it mattered. Maybe if you were being oh-so-clever while inserting yankee candles into your pussy I might be motivated to parry your repartee.

The other type is Political Activist Chick. Nothing drains the mood faster than a heated one-way discussion about abortion or George Bush while my hand is sliding up your thigh. Unless you have something truly original to say, I don’t care. You may think arguing over politics is a romantic way to build a connection, but it only makes me want to kick you out in favor of porn. I have learned through hard, annoying experience that 90% of DC girls, especially supposedly smart girls who have graduated from a Seven Sisters college, have retarded political views that parrot whatever happens to be the consensus among their peers. The remaining 10% have rational opinions and are also smart enough to know that it’s not sexy to talk politics.

America took a turn for the worse once single women started voting in droves.

Witty Banter Woman and Political Activist Chick wistfully remind me of one of my Russian ex-gfs who would just sit there and knit or organize her recipe book in between giving me world class hummers. Sometimes she’d spice up our blessedly short convos with a loving Slavic nickname for me (I think it was loving). Her grasp of the nuances and idioms of English were not great so hours of witty banter and political sermonizing were automatically off the table. Not talking keeps the passion burning longer.

Finding the perfect woman is proving to be a chore. Viva sexbots!

Read Full Post »

Poop

.

Read Full Post »

I Can’t Make This Shit Up

There was a shitstorm recently from offended female lawyers about my post on judging a woman’s femininity, sexual adventurism and relationship-worthiness based on her job.  I was tough on a number of different kinds of careerist chicks, but it was the lawyers who took the most umbrage and came out swinging their clitdicks with a vengeance, thereby proving my point in the most satisfactory way possible.

I’ve relied on my experience dating lawyers to bring my readers valuable first-hand knowledge of their inherent afeminine bitterbitch blackened souls of ballcuttery.  Truly, female lawyers (with one, OK, maybe two, exceptions) are a special breed of succubus you will not feel the slightest bit of guilt dumping a violent fuck into and leaving before the cum has crusted up on her face.

Sometimes, though, one man’s experiences aren’t enough to convince men thinking about dating a lawyer.  So we have stories like this to hammer home the message.

 Elana and David Glatt have filed a $400,000 suit against an Upper East Side florist, charging it caused them “extreme disappointment, distress and embarrassment” on what was supposed to be the greatest day of their lives by providing the wrong-colored hydrangeas for their Aug. 11 nuptials.

[…]

“After spending nearly $30,000 and over 12 months planning the flowers for their wedding, the flowers were not even close to what plaintiffs had bargained and paid for,” the Glatts charge.

[…]

“They sent us 200, 250 e-mails changing things up until the last minute. We did everything they wanted,” [the florist] said.

[…]

The suit says that was a disastrous difference, because “colors had been specifically chosen to match the tones of the room.”

As self-parody goes, this is high art.

Leaving aside the legal issues here and the exhorbitant damages she’s seeking, just try to imagine what it would be like to pledge your lifelong devotion to a woman who would spend $30K on wedding flowers and email the florist over 200 times with updated requests for getting the arrangements just right.  Is there any man alive who, if he were in the groom’s shoes, wouldn’t feel like an afterthought at a wedding like that?  A woman who is more in love with the wedding ceremony than with the man she is marrying = classic American cunt.

I can just picture what their marriage is going to be like:

“You got the regular 3-ply?  I TOLD you to get the strawberry scented 6-ply toilet paper!  WHY can’t you do anything right??  Only the little people get chafed assholes!!!”

Here is a photo of the hell cat:

i win cases with my adam’s apple!

Look closely.  Notice the alpha male glare in her eyes, the kind of aggressive glee you normally see on the face of a used car salesman who’s just suckered you into forking over full price for a lemon.  Her clenched jaw which says she is ready to do battle, anywhere, anytime.  The severe, triple-lacquered hairstyle with not one stray strand daring to spring out of line suggesting in her a tendency to view the sex act as either a necessary annoyance on the way to getting what she wants or a stress reliever before a big day at the office crushing testicles.  And is that a power suit with shoulder pads?

In short, nothing about this woman hints at anything feminine.  She sold her yin to the devil for a gift registry of wealth and taste.  Her sense of entitlement is so bloated no man could possibly keep his dignity and satisfy her at the same time.  And she doesn’t even have the saving grace of being hot.  Which brings us to the husband.  What kind of man marries a woman like this?  The answer is in the photo:

no, really, we’re in love.

Merry douchemas!  This guy looks like he’s already pre-emptively cheating on her and high-fiving his buddies about it over beers at Scores.  I’m wishing with my mind that he’ll do to his wife what Chad did to that deaf girl in the movie “In the Company of Men” and then excuse himself from humanity and get run over by a bus.

What we have in this case study is the epitome of everything that is wrong with 21st century American womanhood.  Luckily, all indicators are that these simulacra of women are having fewer kids than their more nurturing and traditional sisters, so I expect the wave of fembots currently clawing their way through the corporate machine to eventually dwindle to irrelevant numbers.

As much as you desperately want to believe your hard work and ivy league credentials matters to your mating prospects, ladies, men don’t give a shit what you do for a living.  In fact, as this story illustrates, your high-powered career will make you less of a catch, not more.  Men compete with other men all day long; the last thing they want is to come home and lock horns with ballbusting women.  And lawyers, being the generic parasites they are, are the worst of the worst.

On a related subject, I’d like any readers to find studies, if they exist, on number of children per woman by occupation.  I’d bet good money that lawyers are less fecund than elementary school teachers.

Read Full Post »

Prettiness = Sense of Entitlement

There are many factors that contribute to a woman believing the world should fall in her lap (for example, being an American), but none are as important as how she perceives her looks compared to other women.  I’ve found that the prettier a girl is, the more she feels entitled to special treatment and unearned rewards.

I remember this conversation I had with a woman I had been sexing for a couple months.  She was a solid 8 and turned many heads, and more pertinently, she knew it.  I glibly brought up the subject of men paying for women on dates; she took my half-serious bait and offered her deep thoughts on the matter.

Her:  I would never date a guy who didn’t pay for me on the first few dates.
Me:  Is that a hard and fast rule?
Her:  I’m not saying he has to spend a lot on dinners or whatever, but he does need to pay for me.
Me:  Why?
Her:  Because that’s what guys do for girls they are interested in.
Me:  And what do girls do for guys they are interested in?
Her:  Give them sex!
Me:  But guys give girls they like sex, too.  Shouldn’t that be enough compensation?  It’s even steven!
Her:  That’s different.  We can get that from anywhere.
Me:  So guys have to bring twice as much to the table as girls — their sex and their money.  Sounds like a fair trade-off.
Her:  Every guy I’ve ever dated paid for me.  Why should I expect less now?

She had a point.  Why stop the gravy train?  After all, I paid for her, although I take some pride in the knowledge that I most likely invested much less monetarily in her than her previous suitors to get the same piece of ass.  It’s like finding an awesome pair of shoes at DSW for 70% discount when everyone else is paying full price — you feel like you got one over on the plebe consumers.

Clearly, pretty girls feel entitled to a man’s money in exchange for the pleasure of her company, where in this case “company” is defined to mean her ability to sit still on a bar stool or a dining chair for the date minimum of 15 minutes and hear the guy’s pitch.

Why do they have this sense of entitlement?
Because they can afford to.  Behaviors change only when there is incentive to change or disincentive to maintaining the status quo.  As far as I can tell, most guys have not abandoned the man pays paradigm, so the beat goes on and will continue to go on unless human nature changes.

Which brings us to today’s handy chart.  Here I will illustrate how a woman’s sense of entitlement varies with respect to her attractiveness.

Woman’s Hotness                    Her Sense of Entitlement
0                                    Must pay for sex with any non-homeless man;
                                      feels entitled to walk away alive from any sexual
                                      encounter.
1                                    Expects man not to call her a “dirty filthy whore”;
                                     “cuntface” is OK, though.  Doesn’t consider knifings
                                     part of foreplay.
2                                   Expects man not to shout out another woman’s
                                     name during sex or to forget her name less than
                                     10 seconds after she told him it.
3                                   Expects man to open eyes at least once during sex;
                                     also expects no less than 1.5 seconds of post-coital
                                     cuddling not necessarily face-to-face.
4                                   Thinks man should at least pay for his own drinks;
                                     she will make a polite but disingenuous move to pull
                                     money out of her purse first when the bill comes.
                                     He’ll call her bluff.
5                                  Thinks man should split the check with her, but she
                                    winds up footing the bill while he covers the tip;
                                    feels entitled to one date before getting harangued
                                    for sex.
6                                  Expects to be wined and dined at a 2 star establishment;
                                    Wants a man to hold out for two dates before prodding
                                    her vulva with inanimate objects.
7                                Expects to be treated to drinks, dinner, and a non-matinee
                                    movie;  wants the man to spend twice as much on her as
                                    she spends on him; will judge him based on which sushi
                                    restaurant he takes her to; expects him to deal with at
                                    least one of her flake fits; will not put out until he has
                                    paid for a minimum of 3 dates.
8                               Feels entitled to spend absolutely nothing on dates;
                                   becomes highly offended if man even suggests splitting
                                   bill; will regularly show up late to dates as if it is her
                                   prerogative; 4 star establishments only – accepts no
                                   substitutes; will not be picked up in a toyota camry or
                                  honda accord; expects man to perform at least
                                   three chivalrous acts; won’t put out until date six; will
                                  flake twice and expect the man to take it.
9                               Feels entitled to forget man’s name; won’t even say
                                  ‘thank you’ when man pays the bill; looks in the
                                 mirror more than she looks at her date; expects his
                                 watch to cost as much as her emu-skin purse; talks
                                 about herself incessantly except when she asks the
                                 guy about his credit limit/job title/stock portfolio;
                                 won’t accept less than $200 being spent on her on
                                 any date pre-sex; will walk out on date if man’s
                                 shoes don’t comply with fashion industry standards
                                 of the week.
10                             Will not settle for less than a first date aboard his
                                 private yacht – 50 foot+ class only; expects payment in
                                  the form of pink diamonds before putting out; feels
                                 entitled to do absolutely nothing in bed.
10+American            The federal government was invented to placate her.

Of course, what a woman expects from a man she’s dating and what actually turns her on to want to fuck the guy are two different things.  If you are an alpha male and have lived a day in your life, you know the best way to please a woman who is hard to please is… to not try hard to please her.

‘Opposite George’ comes to mind here.

Read Full Post »

The Lawyer Vs the Nanny

Here is a comparison of two girls I briefly dated.

Girl A

• occasionally tossed out five dollar words like “antinomian”
• never spoke about her job in detail or hinted that she liked it
• talked more than once about the school she attended and about her father’s accomplishments
• i paid for her drinks
• noticed my brand of watch
• smiled a lot
• had artsy photographs hanging on her walls
• on the way to my bedroom the first time she saw a pile of my dirty clothes on the floor and made a face
• skipped foreplay, went straight to gatling gun-style jackhammer sex
• assumed the doggy position unprompted

Girl B

• liked to kiss more than talk
• bought me drinks
• made me dinner with a table setting of wine candles and flowers
• never mentioned her father
• was bilingual
• took pictures with her digital camera and emailed them to me
• on the way to my bedroom the first time she giggled as I carried her
• much foreplay followed by lovemaking in front of a wall-length mirror where we watched ourselves
• was married and hid it from me
• said she loved me

Guess which girl was the six figure corporate lawyer and which was the nanny studying psychology part time at grad school.

I think it’s interesting how much of a girl’s personality and femininity I can predict based on her career.

ANSWER:
A – lawyer.

Lawyers are way too calculating to say they love you after only a short while dating.

Read Full Post »

YouTube Cheap Shot Sunday

Enjoying a Sunday morning cup of coffee and reading the hilarious insults from YouTube commenters has become a treasured personal growth and productivity time sink for me.  The key to savoring truly inspired mockeries is to choose a popular video featuring an easy target.  This combination brings out the best in people.

This video by a guy riffing on the equally strange YouTube video below elicited a few choice zingers:

Is this a man or a woman? OH MY GOD THEY HAVE CROSSED HUMANS WITH FROG DNA! Jabba the Hut’s kid? Woahhhh someone slay this creature and see how much exp points you get and check for possible loots. Who is responsible for going shaolin stick fighting style on this thing’s face with branches of the ugly tree?

Go die in a fucking fire.

It looks like you ate chocolate rain, you fat ass.

dude give up ur fat, ur ugly, u got no rythym, ur fat, ur ugly, and ur fat too!!!!!!

u look like a fat fish.

Here’s the oddly compelling original video with 10 million views that spawned hundreds of spoof tributes:

When he leans away from the mic I like to pretend he’s giving me kisses!  [not really an insult but still funny]

Not bad for a 7-year old…

You look like you’re getting butt-fucked.
I like watching this with the sound off and laughing at you.

This is the end of the Internet.

ahh…. the sweet relief of nausea. This guy is a human stomach pump.

TIME OUT!!!….Is this song about diarrhea??

LOL his face is glossed with jizz

The singer in the video, Tay Zonday, tried valiantly to answer his critics but gave up after the 9,000th comment or so:

5iveX:  Ughh ur ugly and stupid.  Your voice sucks..you phail at life.

TayZonday:  Hi 5iveX! Why do you say that I’m ugly and stupid? What are you trying to communicate? Give more detail about what you dislike.

YouTube — comedy gold.

Read Full Post »