My Advice To Women

It’s pretty clear what women want — a man with means, good genes, romantic swings, and daddy dreams.* When she finds him she’ll want marriage, home, and kids in a nice neighborhood. That is a woman’s formula for happiness in life. Since I am a giver and a humanitarian I offer the following advice to women to help them achieve happiness.

Don’t move to the big city

After college women move into the big cities on the coasts to find an alpha male husband because that is where the high status men concentrate. We have studies proving this. There are two problems with this strategy. One, there aren’t enough alpha males to marry all the women who want them. If you put all the alphas into a small bar there would be a rock concert sized throng of women outside bribing the doorman to let them in. The numbers just don’t add up. But since women will cling to their dream of snagging one of these guys many flush away their best years fucking around fruitlessly in the dating market and wind up alone at the cusp of hitting the wall.

Two, what few alphas there are won’t demand anything less than the hottest chicks they can afford. Since most women really aren’t that pretty they have no chance of getting an alpha male to commit, so they suffer the ignominy and emotional grind of getting pumped and dumped by men who play the pussy carousel.

My advice: If you are in the 85% of single women who aren’t an 8 or above don’t bother moving to the city. Stay in your small town and meet a man there. Trust me, I am saving you a lot of heartache and wasted years with this valuable advice. For the rest of you who are genuinely hot, moving to the city makes sense; your odds of marrying a Mr. Big there are better than average.

Don’t get a grad school degree

The more education women get, the more money they earn, and the higher their status rises. Because women “date up”, this has the unfortunate effect of shrinking their dating pool. The higher they climb the status ladder, the fewer men they will find above them suitable for marriage. Result: Women with advanced degrees have fewer children and stay single longer. Eventually, this trend will reverse as educated women contribute less of their genes to future generations, but my advice is for women who want happiness now.

If you are a smart girl it’s better to satisfy your intellectual cravings by reading books on your leisure time instead of getting your smarts credentialed by a university, like the way high class girls used to do in the past. Women who worry that without higher education they will be left financially strapped in a cold world should consider that men are more likely to provide for them if they feel their resources and support are needed. The male protector and provider instinct is a strong one when it is manipulated by a weaker woman.

Caveat: If you are an ugly woman, go to grad school. You’ll need the better job prospects.

Invest in cosmetic repair

Since we’re talking about how to maximize women’s happiness based on the formula Alpha Husband + Children + Home = Happy, the most efficient and effective way to achieve this is through surgical beauty enhancement. It makes more sense for a woman who ranks lower than a 7 to spend her money on cosmetic surgery that will immediately earn her the sexual attention of thousands more men than what she was used to, than to spend her money on shoes, clothes, and European vacations which do nothing to help her land a quality husband.

If you think this is superficial, it is. I have nothing to say to you except get your head out of the clouds.

Don’t run marathons

Marathon running must violate the first law of thermodynamics, because every woman I’ve met who has said she is training for a marathon was chubby. All that running around aimlessly for miles must put on weight. Note: Does not apply to women training for a triathlon. These women are universally fit and slender.

Don’t watch TV

TV has done more to bloat women’s expectations than anything else in American culture. In real life, Carrie Bradshaw is horsefaced and does not land a millionaire. Samantha is over the hill and infertile from being riddled with STDs. The bachelor on The Bachelor: London Calling fucks all 25 women and leaves them for an 18 year old stripper in Vegas. You’ll never find happiness if you think reality is a sassy TV show.

***

If I’ve made even one woman happier after reading this and following my advice, I’ll feel like I’ve saved a life. Sometimes I’m so generous with my heart it makes me weep with pride.

Bonus: My advice to men

You deserve a 10!

*It took me three hours to craft that poetry.

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March 2008 Comment Winner

From famed commenter Gannon, on my post Seven New Deadly Sins Quiz:

…my interest in prepubescent girls (and boys) is zero. Just like me, I prefer them with apple sized breasts, round asses, a nice bush of pubic hair and bleeding. Problem for you my friend is that girls 14 and above all have these features.

I agree with this comment. It is a fact of life that young teenage girls who have developed secondary sexual characteristics are desired by men of all ages, even 90 year olds. And these exquisite nymphets, in turn, desire older men for their power. These desires are natural, and frightening to the keepers of the order. They provoke the envy of the left behind, and so are condemned.

Would it shock to know that real love, genuine and sincere love, can spring forth from a relationship where lust is the motivator? To wit: Monica Lewinsky loved Bill Clinton, that is true. Look at the way she gazed at him with adoring eyes. But do you want to know something? I think it is likely he loved her in return. Moreso than he loved Hillary at any rate. It went beyond a one night fling. Theirs was a romance.

A man would throw everything away for two minutes with that ass wobble.

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Dread

There are two ways to guarantee a healthy relationship. By healthy, I mean the girl is in love with you and there is no threat of her leaving; you have all the leverage you need to assure yourself peace of mind and a steady sexual outlet.

• Meet your soulmate

If you are extremely lucky enough to cross paths with your soulmate this is the easiest way to live the kind of romantic bliss that Hollywood movies exalt. A soulmate connection is the Golden Ticket to happiness and a dreamlike existence. But it is rare. Don’t live as if it will happen to you. I estimate 1% of all men and 2% of all women meet their soulmates. The reason for the discrepancy is that male soulmates are in shorter supply than female soulmates. Male soulmates are shared amongst the women like a community hookah.

• Instill dread

Women respond viscerally in their vagina area to unpredictability, mixed signals, danger, and drama in spite of their best efforts to convince themselves otherwise. Managing your relationship in such a way that she is left with a constant, gnawing feeling of impending doom will do more for your cause than all the Valentine’s Day cards and expertly performed tongue love in the world. Like it or not, the threat of a looming breakup, whether the facts justify it or not, will spin her into a paranoid estrogen-fueled tizzy, and she’ll spend every waking second thinking about you, thinking about the relationship, thinking about how to fix it. Her love for you will blossom under these conditions. Result: she works harder to please you.

The key for the man is to adopt a posture of blase emotional distance alternated with loving tenderness. Too much of either and she’ll run off.

Examples of effective doom inducement:

Turn off your cell phone twice a week. Alternate days. Don’t do this on a Friday or Saturday night unless the relationship is shaky and needs a high voltage jolt of dread.

Make a blatant but plausibly deniable move on one of her friends when she’s not around. The news will get back to her. Milk it.

Call her from a very busy place so that she can hear women’s voices laughing and shrieking in the background. Don’t tell her where you are when she asks. Just say you’ll see her soon.

Mention how skilled your Russian ex was at giving head. Bring it up again a few days later, pretending not to remember the first time you mentioned it. Bonus: Russians are very good at giving head, so this will have the ring of truth.

Be seen by your girlfriend flirting with other women in a social venue. Extra points if the women are attractive. Double extra points if you flirt without looking back at your girlfriend once to check her reaction.

Cook her a romantic candlelight dinner at home. Make it a memorable experience, complete with jazz, chocolate, and rose petals. Then, do not talk with her for four days afterwards.

Ignore her calls for a week. When you eventually answer and she reads you the riot act, act as if nothing was wrong and accuse her of sabotaging a perfectly good relationship, “just like all the other women in this stupid city. I thought you were different”. Hang up on her angrily.

When her best friend tells you how cute you and your girlfriend look together, shrug, put your hand to the back of your neck as if to scratch an itch there, look down slightly and with a mildly annoyed expression blandly sigh “Yeeeeah…”. Triple bonus points if your girlfriend is standing right there.

When she attempts the jealousy maneuver by flirting with another guy, act unfazed. Give her pickup tips.

Gaze longingly into her eyes, say how hot she looks, then immediately glance sidelong at the bosom of any strange woman in the vicinity.

Have a threesome. Spend an inordinate amount of time admiring the labia of the other woman. Be sure to moan louder with her. WARNING: If you cum on the other woman you will have to spend weeks consoling your girlfriend.

Say things like “I really value my independence and freedom” relevant to nothing in particular. It’s just a thought that popped in your head.

Thermonuclear Option:

Have an affair and make sure she finds out about it. Arrange the confrontation so that it does not happen at your place. When she confronts you, don’t get defensive. Don’t speak at all. Let her vent. Let her punch you in the chest and scream obscenities. When she takes a breather, tell her she’s never looked more beautiful and you will never stop loving her. Then without waiting for her response calmly walk out the door and break off all contact for two weeks. When she comes back to you… and she will… you will have a love slave for life.

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Are European Girls Better Lays?

I usually dismiss arguments like this out of hand because I believe that it’s not the girl that makes the lay but the strength of attraction between the girl and the guy. The more you like each other, the more explosive the sex will be, regardless of country of origin.

But now I wonder if there isn’t some truth to this theory besides anti-American posturing. Thinking back on every sexual interaction I ever had (my memory is sharp in this area) and comparing the experiences with the foreign girls to my compatriots, I arrive at the inescapable conclusion that the foreigners (mostly European, including Russian) were better lays.

Evidence based on general trends:

European – Naturally lubricated. Initial thrust executed without needing to pry apart the labia with my fingers first.

American – Bottle or tube of lube always within reach.

European – Expert at being on top. I felt confident she would not break my dick bone with a false move.

American – Girl on top always had an element of fear. I had to expend wasteful energy grabbing her hips firmly and preventing her from rising up too far off my dick and disengaging, or shifting awkwardly to the side or backwards.

European – Requested anal.

American – Frightened of it. Needed multiple reassurances.

European – Understood that tongue pressure was as important as saliva and making an O shape out of her mouth for enjoyable blowjobs. Often pressed it against the inside of her cheek contributing to visual as well as tactile stimulation.

American – Where did her tongue go? And why is her hand doing most of the work?

European – Met my thrusts with equal fervor, like colliding asteroids of flesh.

American – Received my thrusts passively. Brief moments of minor hip grinding.

European – Threw the sheets off when having sex.

American – Pulled the sheets over us when having sex.

European – Banged as often during the daytime as at night.

American – Day sex was infrequent. At night, didn’t even like a light on in another room.

European – Peed in front of me on the first night together.

American – 3 month waiting period before being allowed to see her sitting on the bowl.

European – Liked to smoke after morning sex.

American – Liked to talk about what we’re “going to do today” after morning sex. (this one’s a wash)

European – Public sex is a rite of passage. Parks, woods, movie theaters, my Mom’s couch.

American – Public sex is doing it with the TV on in the background.

Game, set, match: Euro babes.

European women seem more open and experimental than American women. They are less neurotic and don’t sweat the small stuff. Most importantly, they live in the moment. American women are constantly worried how they look in the wrong lighting, and how the ambiance has to be just right for them to feel comfortable getting naked. When a European girl is post-coital you know her mind is clear and she is giving herself over to the pleasure. An American girl is going through her appointments in her head, wondering if she has enough time in her busy schedule to squeeze in a spa treatment.

***

On a completely unrelated note, I am planning a future extended trip to Poland, Estonia, and possibly Hungary. I expect to meet the barely legal girl of my dreams there. If anyone has advice how to make the most of my time in that part of the world feel free to email me or leave a comment.

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Leave Ashley Alone!

She reveals her heart of gold in this video. Especially at 1:45 in.

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Beautiful Women Past To Present

A reader sent me a link to this eye-popping morphing video montage of the beautiful faces of Hollywood leading ladies over the years. There is a vague, eerie similarity among all the faces.

Beautiful women aren’t clones of each other but neither do they deviate too far from the primary beauty script. For instance, no one would mistake Nicole Kidman for Halle Berry but they both share those essential features that capture men’s hearts — large eyes, prominent cheekbones, small chins and noses, facial symmetry, succulent lips, and clear smooth skin.

Note the zero difference hair styles make to the women’s beauty.

Who’s your favorite? Mine’s a toss-up between Audrey Hepburn and Vivian Leigh. I’m curious if there is a pattern in what my female and male readers choose as their favorites.

(Jodie Foster is proof that there is something identifiably strange going on with lesbians’ upper row of teeth.)

PS: Does anyone know what classical tune is playing in the video? It seems like the perfectly suited soundtrack for self-pleasuring to admiring beautiful female faces.

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Marion Cotillard

you have stolen my heart.

on your knees, my love…

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