Christmas Eve Lone Wolf

VK recently wrote about “bunning up” (“settling down” for you old skool types) before the long cold winter drives the cuties indoors with their Netflix and Jenga slumber parties.  And it’s true — guys have a window of opportunity beween August and Thanksgiving to land a steady girl.  For reasons science hasn’t yet figured out, most breakups happen in August, usually precipitated by the women, who then go on a fall shopping spree for a new beau.  This is your opportunity to strike.  There is a crackle and sizzle in the autumn air as the girls radiate that “please just don’t fuck this up and you can have me” vibe.  The last thing they want is to be alone during the holidays.

A good rule of thumb is to bring your A game before the temps drop into the 30s.  Once the deep chill hides everyone under layers of wool and couples start appearing with their hands in each others’ pockets you’ll find your pickings slim.  But there is one glaring exception.  Perhaps the greatest pickup night of the year, yes even better than Halloween or New Years Eve, is Christmas Eve.

There won’t be many girls out on Christmas Eve but that won’t matter because the one or two you meet (and they will usually be by themselves lamenting their singlehood with a captive bartender) are out for one reason — to get swept off their feet by a guy who will take their minds off their misery.  Meet a reasonably attractive girl on Christmas Eve and if your game is minimally competent you are virtually guaranteed to close the deal that night.

The key is to not make it seem like you are two lonely souls destined to cross paths in a grungy hole in the wall.  That shit only works in the movies.  The reality is that it ruins her fantasy to meet a guy who is just as much a loser in love as she is.  So play up the angle that you have so many family obligations this holiday season you just needed a break from it all and a strong drink in a warm bar sounded perfect.  Tell her you never expected to meet anyone as cool as her out on a night like this.

Running game on a lone wolf means you can segue into rapport building quicker than normal.  A minute to spark attraction is all you’ll need.  Once her eyes are sparkling, move her over to a couch in a dark corner, ask her if she’d like to learn something about herself, and run a few psychological quizzes on her.  Then, lower your lids and your tone of voice and summon the sexual animal in you.  Christmas pheromones.

The last time I did this we left the bar at 9 since they closed early.  We bought a six pack of Michelob Light at the local Chinese take-out which is open year-round.  Since all the bars were closed and I deemed it too soon to head back to my place, we found a streetlamp and cracked open a few beers in the cold night air.  Not a single car drove by.  The city was quiet.  The context and atmosphere did half my work for me.

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How The Mighty Have Fallen

I have this old friend who used to be a guy’s guy.  Loved guy stuff , did guy things, and nurtured fierce loyalty to his guy clan of close buddies.  He was a ferocious looking beast with a barrel chest as deep as it was wide who could hip check and shoulder blast his way through any club crowd to get to the bar or a girl he wanted to meet.  His bumpngrinding was legendary.  As was his profuse sweating, which beaded up in great rivulets on his expansive simian brow as he danced under the hot club lights, stopping only to dab at the torrent of perspiration with fistfuls of cocktail napkins.  He was a magnificent distillation of pure testosterone.

We called him Silverback.

Then he met a girl, and suddenly Saturday afternoons were dedicated to throw pillow shopping.

Then he moved in with this girl, and his high-flying nightlife rompnstomping days were over.

Then he married this girl, and he dove headfirst into climbing the corporate ladder knowing one day he’d have to support a family in that perfect city for raising kids… Manhattan.

Now we hardly ever hear from him except for those times when his beloved is busy doing her own thing and he has a minute to spare in between catering to her needs.  This usually amounts to a 1.5 minute interim phone call from a park bench while he’s waiting to pick up his wife from her vegetarian yoga class.  Or, even better, a 30 second shout out from inside a cab when it is obvious from the background sound of his wife sitting next to him talking to someone else on her phone that he has been granted a brief window of opportunity to call a buddy.  The phone call invariably ends as soon as his wife’s call is over.

Me:  So how much time you got left to talk?
Silverback:  Come on, man, you know I can talk as long as I like.
Me:  She’s still on the line, then?
Silverback:  She does her own thing, I do mine.
Me:  OK, so how’s the new job going?
Silverback’s Wife:  Hey, honey, that was XXX.  Who’re you talking to?
Silverback:  Gotta go, bro.  *CLICK*

Now his wife is pretty, and young, and headstrong, and probably out of his league, so it’s understandable that he’d bend a little to accommodate her lifestyle.

But to go from Silverback to this? 

take me boutique shopping! 

The crack of that whip echoed through the hills and valleys of the Kingdom of Manhood.

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Toothbrush Game

There’s always a tense moment in the bright light of the morning after a stumbling late night hookup when the girl needs to use the bathroom and you feel a rush of anxiety as you wonder what personal items you have prominently displayed on your sink.  Eyebrow tweezers?  Check.  Five different facial scrubs and masks?  Check.  An old piece of used floss with bits of debris still on it that missed the garbage can?  Check.  And the state of cleanliness of your throne.  Did you leave the seat up providing her with a glorious panoramic view of your urine and pube encrusted toilet rim?

If you intend to fully embrace the role of skirt-chaser then keeping your bathroom in order and sparkling clean with potentially embarrassing personal effects hidden from sight will have to be a daily ritual.  Having a fresh spare toothbrush is one of those priorities.  A girl will receive your appendages into her womanhood but will balk at using your toothbrush.

Me:  There’s a toothbrush on the sink for you.
Her:  Why do you have a second toothbrush?
Me:  Umm… in case I drop mine in the toilet bowl.
Her:  Do you always stand over the toilet bowl when you’re brushing your teeth?
Me:  Yes, I pee and brush at the same time.  I like to multitask.
Her:  It’s frayed.
Me:  What?
Her:  The bristles are frayed.  Who else used this?
Me:  I probably did in the middle of the night.  It’s hard to tell which is which.
Her:  I can’t brush with this.
Me:  Look, if it bothers you that much use your finger.

There’s no way around the toothbrush conundrum except to have a new brush still in its original packaging ready to go for each girl.  I don’t want to run a dentist’s office or waste a toothbrush on the mouth of a one night stand, so they get a frayed brush now.  If they protest too much at least I know I’m dealing with an anal retentive freak.

Instead of pressing the matter she gamely ignored it.  That’s all girls really need — a ridiculous excuse so they can continue loving you.

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Dating Market Value For Men

Dating market value test for women is here. 

Here is a system for determining your dating market value if you are a man.  Dating market value is a measurement of how you stack up against other men in the competition for attracting female interest.  Be honest with yourself taking this survey.  It will give you a fairly accurate assessment of the quality and number of women you are capable of attracting for a sexual relationship.  Girls, you may take this quiz for your boyfriends to see if you are slumming it or about to be cheated on.

1.  How old are you?

under 25 years old:  0 points
26-34 years old:  +1 point
35-45 years old:  0 points
45+ years old:  -1 point

2.  How tall are you?

under 5’9″:  -1 point
5’9″ to 5’11”:  0 points
6′ to 6’4″:  +1 point
over 6’4″:  0 points

3.  What is your BMI?

(Go here to calculate your BMI.  I know BMI doesn’t account for very muscular physiques, but since most men are not Lee Haney, it is adequate for this survey’s purposes.)

under 20.0:  -1 point
20.0 to 24.0:  +1 point
24.1 to 27.0:  0 points
over 27.0:  -1 point

4.  How much do you bench press?

60% or less of your body weight:  -1 point
61% to 80% of your body weight:  0 points
81% to 170% of your body weight:  +1 point
over 170% of your body weight:  0 points

5.  What does your hairline look like?

Full head of hair if you are over 35:  +1 point
Full head of hair if you are under 35:  0 points
Receding hairline if you are over 35:  0 points
Receding hairline if you are under 35:  -1 point
Bald (age irrelevant):  -1 point
Bald but you are dark-skinned:  0 points

6.  How much money do you make?

under $40K and you are out of college:  -1 point
$40K to $70K out of college and under 40 years old:  0 points
over $70K out of college and under 40 years old:  +1 point
under $40K and you are college age or younger:  0 points
$40K to $55K and over 40 years old:  -1 point
$55K to $90K and over 40 years old:  0 points
over $90K and 40 to 55 years old:  +1 point
over $200K (age irrelevant):  +1 point

7.  Do you have a car?

No (under 21yo):  0 points
No (over 21yo):  -1 point
Yes (under 21yo):  +1 point
Yes (over 21yo):  0 points
No, but you have a motorcycle (age irrelevant):  +1 point

8.  Are you good-looking?

(Self-assessment is somewhat unreliable, so if you are uncertain of your looks post your pic on hotornot and wait a week for your score.  Or get opinions from unbiased and blunt friends.  Hashing out the biometric details of what makes a male face attractive would require another lengthy post, so for now these two methods are acceptable substitutes.)

On a 1 – 10 scale:

0 – 4:  -1 point
5 – 7:  0 points
8 – 10:  +1 point

9.  Have you ever played a leading role in a team sport?

No:  0 points
Yes:  +1 point

10.  What is your occupation?

(Since I won’t list every single high status job in the Department of Labor’s Occupational Handbook, you’ll have to make a judgment call on your own job.  It’s a safe assumption that most people know a high status job when they see it.)

High status (doctor, lawyer, stockbroker, executive, professor, business owner, successful artist or musician or writer, professional athlete, etc.):  +1 point
Neutral status (engineer, programmer, accountant, salesman, mid level manager, scientist, military officer, well-paid tradesman, etc.):  0 points
Low status (low paid blue collar, admin, construction, janitor, struggling web designer, help desk, etc.):  -1 point

11.  How many friends do you have?

0 to 3:  -1 point
4 to 20:  0 points
over 20:  +1 point

12.  How many friends have you met through the internet that you have never seen in person?

0 to 2:  0 points
over 2:  -1 point

13.  When was the last time you went to a house party?

Within the past month:  +1 point
Between one month and one year ago:  0 points
Over one year ago:  -1 point

14.  Have people besides your family called you funny?

None:  -1 point
A few have:  0 points
Nearly everyone who knows me:  +1 point

15.  What is your IQ?

Under 85:  -1 point
85 to 110:  0 points
110 to 130:  +1 point
130 to 145:  0 points
over 145:  -1 point

16.  At a party, which happens first – you approach someone or someone approaches you?

I approach someone first almost every time:  +1 point
I occasionally approach first:  0 points
Someone normally approaches me first:  -1 point

17.  Have you ever been in a serious fight where real punches were thrown and you felt like you wanted to kill your opponent(s)?

No:  0 points
Yes:  +1 point
Yes, with a girl:  -1 point

18.  Have you ever been arrested?

No:  0 points
Yes:  +1 point
Yes, for child pornography or public exposure:  -1 point

****

It’s best to answer the following four questions based on your past experience with similar scenarios.  Who we really are is not what we wish we were but what we have always been.

19.  You are on a second date with a girl.  You go to kiss her.  She turns her cheek to you and says “Slow down, I’m not that kind of girl.”  You reply:

(A) “Sorry.”
(B) “Yeah, well, no prob.”
(C) “This could be trouble ’cause I’m that kind of guy.” *smirk*

If you answered (A), subtract a point.
If (B), no points.
If (C), add a point.

20.  You’re chatting up a pretty girl you just met in a bar.  After a few minutes she asks you to buy her a drink.  You reply:

(A) “Sure.”
(B) “I’m not an ATM.”
(C) “No, but you can buy me one.”

If you answered (A), subtract a point.
If (B), no points.
If (C), add a point.

21.  You’ve just met a cute girl in a club and have been talking with her for five minutes when she abruptly changes the topic to a raunchy conversation about her multiorgasmic ability.  You respond with:

(A) a huge grin and an eager “Damn! That is HOT!”
(B) a look of mild disdain.
(C) a raised eyebrow while saying “Hey, thanks for the medical report.”

If you answered (A), subtract a point.
If (B), no points.
If (C), add a point.

22.  The pickup has been going well.  Later in the night she leans in and begins making out with you passionately.  You feel like a king and your jeans suddenly feel much tighter.  Do you:

(A) immediately grope her boob in return.
(B) continue making out with her for as long as she wishes.
(C) kiss for a little bit then push her gently away and look distracted for a second.

If you answered (A), subtract a point.
If (B), no points.
If (C), add a point.

And finally, the critical thinking portion of the quiz.  The following questions are based on the progression of a single pickup attempt.

23.  You go to a bar.  Twenty feet away are a pretty girl, a fat girl, and an average guy talking amongst themselves.  The pretty girl briefly eye flirts with you.  In reponse, you:

(A) eye flirt back and forth a few times before approaching 20 minutes later.
(B) immediately approach in a direct fashion maintaining strong eye contact with your target.
(C) immediately approach but from an indirect angle, looking around the room distractedly on the way over to your target as if you might see an even prettier girl somewhere else, and finally delivering your opener from over your shoulder.

(A):  -1 point
(B):  0 points
(C):  +1 point

24.  Who do you address first?

(A) the pretty girl.
(B) the fat girl.
(C) everyone.

(A):  -1 point
(B):  0 points
(C):  +1 point 

25.  After getting the whole group engaged in conversation and having a good time, your target blurts out “Hey nice pink shirt! Are you gay?”  You:

(A) say “No, I’m not gay!”
(B) ignore her.
(C) say “OK, who brought their little sister to the bar!”

(A):  -1 point
(B):  0 points
(C):  +1 point

26.  In the middle of the conversation you have to pee.  You say:

(A) “I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
(B) “Excuse me.”
(C) nothing.  Just go.

(A):  -1 point
(B):  0 points
(C):  +1 point 

27.  You’ve managed to get her outside your front door.  There is obvious sexual tension.  You want to close this deal.  You say:

(A) “So, um, ah, see you around.”
(B) “Why don’t you come inside?”
(C) “I’m thirsty.  Are you thirsty?  Let’s go inside and taste DC’s finest tap water.  But you can only stay for a minute, I have to get up early.”

(A):  -1 point
(B):  0 points
(C):  +1 point

****

SCORES

There are 26 points to earn or lose based on the questions asked.  The scoring breaks down as follows:

-26:  Why are you still alive?
-25 to -20:  You’re an omega.  Celibacy has its charms.
-19 to -15:  You actively repulse girls.  Your kind will usher forth the sexbot revolution.
-14 to -10:  You’re always getted foisted onto the warpigs.
-9 to 0:  Lesser beta.  You don’t immediately disgust girls; they just don’t notice you.  With much painful effort you can redeem yourself.
1 to 9:  Classic beta.  You catch some girls’ eyes, usually the ones you don’t want.  Try not to make fatty fucking a lifestyle.
10 to 14:  A few attractive girls in the bar will be intrigued by your presence.  But you need game to close the deal.
15 to 19:  Congrats, you have crossed the alpha Rubicon.  A lot of cute girls will be pleased when you hit on them.  But you can still fuck up by being yourself.
20 to 25:  You’re a natural.  Many hot girls check you out and forgive your occasional pickup blunders.  You always have a look of sexual satisfaction on your face.
26:  Super Alpha.  Booty sticks to you like bird shit on car roofs.

Next:  The Dating Market Value test for the ladies!

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Bartender Hush Money

I have two or three favorite bars/lounges I like to take dates.  I’d prefer to be more creative but logistics are just as important as venue atmosphere, so I always wind up asking girls to meet me at the same few bars.  I live in an area densely packed with nightlife locations so it’s easy to arrange dates within walking distance of my place.  It makes no sense for me to meet a girl at some swank new bar halfway across town because its heavy red drapes and array of candles look like it would facilitate the seduction process, when the best way to smoothly seduce her is to have her meet me at a place 20 yards from my front door.

Making return trips to the same bar with a different girl each time earns me knowing looks and smirks from the staff.  I got a high five once and an “alriiiight romeo!” prompting my date to ask what that was all about.  The bartender looked a little sheepish recognizing the bind he had put me in and quickly made up an acceptable story on the spot.  I tipped him big.

Tipping generously means either future free drinks or hush money.  It’s not necessary, of course, if you’re on friendly terms with the bar staff, but occasionally a new hire who doesn’t know you will need to have his or her palm greased to ensure their bar remains a safe haven for your player activities.  Female bartenders are more difficult to bring on board because not only do they feel a remote obligation to protect the delicacies of their fellow sisters, but they will often become intrigued by you and your parade of girls.  And female intrigue leads to jealousy leads to sabotage.  You never want to have a woman conspiring against you because their skills of sabotage are far superior to men’s.  You might leave for the bathroom for a minute and when you get back your date is interrogating you about your relationship history.

The worst thing you can do is tip poorly.  If you have alligator arms when it comes time to reach for your wallet you will never hear back from dates you bring to that bar.  Like it or not, tipping is a status marker and payola.  Tip well, and you’ll find bartenders talking up your accomplishments and coolness and your date running her finger along the lip of her glass.  Nothing beats third party endorsement.

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Bumping Into Exes

I broke my previous record for number of consecutive days bumping into a different ex each time.  I’m now at four straight days, although in the interest of accuracy one of those girls was a brief fling, making her ex status questionable.

Unfortunately, this city is not big enough to shelter me anonymously from failed relationships.  Because of the threat of ex sightings, I can now no longer leave the house without looking my absolute best.  I may soon have to hire a permanent escort with a minimum D cup to accompany me on any strolls around town so that I always have the upper hand should an ex happen by.  The lowest possible hand is to be walking alone, unshowered, and sporting three days growth stubble when you bump into the ex sharing massive PDA with her new boyfriend.  And she’s eight months pregnant.  You will cringe at the look of pity in her eyes.

Having hand is important for any ex you meet, but it’s essential when the ex was the dumper rather than the dumpee.  You never want to give an ex like that the satisfaction of thinking she made the right decision by leaving you.  There is no better way to have her doubting the wisdom of dumping you than to parade an even hotter chick in front of her.  It is an especially sweet victory when you are with your new girl and the ex is alone.  You will barely be able to contain your smirk as your ex grits her teeth, nods her head robotically, and flashes a very insincere smile.  Be sure to rub it in by dragging out the conversation as long as possible:

“yeah, great to see you, too.  hey, how’s the atkins diet working out for you so far?”

Her painful, awkward squirming will be worth every delicious second.  Take advantage of these opportunities because the fates align only a few times in your life to execute a flawless upper hand maneuver.  One good ex-girlfriend humiliation is equivalent to a lifetime Prozac prescription.

The emotional anguish of seeing an ex depends a lot on how it ended.

You Dumped Her And Did Not Feel Bad About It

Zero ex issues.  You are completely indifferent to her and will not care how you are perceived by her in the event of a chance meeting.  A totally chill and relaxed conversation ensues.  This, of course, will arouse her enough to rush home and masturbate to fond memories of you.

You Dumped Her And Felt Bad About It

Both of you will feel awkward, thus ensuring the world’s shortest conversation.  If you are with a girl and your ex is alone, you will feel really bad and act to hide your new girlfriend’s presence by physically stepping in between her and your ex.  You will also do the right thing and stop tonguing down your girlfriend long enough to spare your ex’s feelings.

The Breakup Was Mutual

1% of breakups are truly mutual.  The other 99% are painful because no matter what anyone says, one person in the equation didn’t want it to end.  Amicably mutual breakups are great because they are the only instances when the formerly sexual relationship can evolve into a fulfilling asexual friendship.  Under no other circumstances can, or should, you ever be “friends” with an ex.  Acquaintances, sure.  Friends, no.

She Dumped You And You Handled It Like A Man

While seeing your ex will cause a knot to grow in your chest, at least you will shine with the pride of knowing you walked away from the breakup with your balls fully descended.  Consequently, you will be able to manage a non-weird exchange with her.  Use this opportunity to flirt with abandon as a reminder of the long-ago sexy man she opened her heart and her vagina for.  She will win if you act like a desexualized buddy with her, so be the cocky oversexed player that you were before the relationship domesticated you and deny her that win.

She Dumped You And You Handled It Like A Mewling Beta

The worst case scenario.  You still want her, you are ashamed of your pathetic beggar’s response to the breakup, and your wounded pride demands revenge.  With the deck so egregiously stacked against you, there is little chance you will rein in your runaway emotions, constricting airway, and cotton mouth in her presence.  Only those with the most impressive state control can look the basilisk in the eye and walk away unpetrified.  Your best bet is to have fortune favor you so that your ex bumps into you while you are out with a new girl on your arm.  Note of caution:  if your new girl is uglier than your ex, you will feel like an even bigger loser than before.

To recap:

Correct impression to leave with ex

Incorrect impression to leave with ex

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What A Girl’s Job Tells You

Here are my opinions of the sexual and relationship compatibilities of girls with the following jobs:

ADDENDUM:
Some of the commenters mentioned I left interns and staffers off the list.  I count these girls as part of the hr/marketing/pr brigade except they are burdened with much bigger egos, self-righteousness, and workaholic issues.  They all secretly want to hook up with an older powerful man.  They disdain artist types.
SSR:  full erection (come on, they’re all under 23. rigidity guaranteed)
LTPR:  varies (are you a congressman? lock her in. if not, use her and lose her)

It was an oversight by me to leave off saleswomen.  See: Lawyer and HR/Marketing/PR.  Much depends on how well she does in sales.  Because sales is so inegalitarian in how the field dispenses its rewards, you have to make a distinction between weekend warriors and the true success stories.  Is she a dilettante real estate agent?  She’ll be grounded and feminine.  Consider a long term investment in her.  Did she turn $250K in commissions as a pharm sales rep?  She’s just as alpha and ballcutting masculine as the BIGLAW lawyer.  Just remember, if she can compete with the most aggressive MEN and still come out on top, her vagina is coated with radioactive juices.

Note on lawyers:  Just because she may work for a non-profit doesn’t make her a kinder, gentler woman.  In fact, some of the most cutthroat lawyers work at non-profits since those positions are in demand and in short supply.  Moralism and megalomania is never a good combination.

Lawyer

Amoral alpha males with vaginas.  Their yin is so deeply buried they spend all their free time (2 hours per week) fantasizing about a powerful dominant man releasing their inner woman.  This is your cue to ratchet up the assholery.  Outside of i-bankers and fashionistas, you will not meet a more materialistic or status-conscious chick than a lawyer.  When she inevitably starts talking about what law school she attended and politicos she knows, put your finger up to her mouth and say “shhh… stop.  from now on we will talk about happy things.  tell me only the good things that come to mind about your childhood.”  Most lawyer chicks have large clits which they use to pin you down on the bed.  Making love to a lawyer means facefucking her till she pukes a little.  The gods of karmic retribution will be pleased with this.  Lawyers are always fucking over everyone else so this is your chance to return the favor.  Proceed with great relish.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  4/5th erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  don’t be a masochist

Human Resources/Marketing/Public Relations (99% of all women)

Since so many women work in these preposterous fields, it is hard to say anything definitive about them as romantic partners.  The only conclusions we can draw are that these women are people-persons (shocker!) and have ADD.  They could not sit still for a minute and reduce a fraction if their lives depended on it.  They are intuitive and fiercely catty, but also practical.  In fact, conventional wisdom to the contrary notwithstanding, women are more practical than men.  Let her believe you think her job is important and she will spread her legs for you unbidden.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  2/3rd erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  3/4 carat

Engineer (0.00001% of all women)

If there was ever an occupation created solely for the benefit of a man’s intellectual strengths, engineering is it.  So right off the bat you know that any female engineer will be weird.  Not necessarily assertively masculine like the female lawyer, but not typically feminine either.  Female engineers are the Holy Grail of male nerddom.  Every nerdo anime fanboy with Dungeon Master on his resume dreams of meeting and falling in love with a cute nerdgirl WHO IS EXACTLY LIKE HIM so that his autistic social retardation doesn’t get pushed to the breaking point like it would with a normal girl.
Minus: fornication mysteriously happens in between lengthy dissertations on string theory.
Plus: she can assume sex positions within a millimeter of spec.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  1/4th erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  5 carats

Elementary School Teacher

Pure gold.  Put this girl on your short list for long term commitment.  What’s not to love about the elementary school teacher?  Cute, thin (it’s a workout chasing kids all day), ultra feminine, nurturing, selfless, caring, and most importantly blessedly low maintenance due to the nature of her workplace environment sequestering her from the attentions of men.  The best ones teach 1st through 5th grades.  Women who supervise daycare are too toddler-focused and will love the kids more than you.  You will soon tire of her coo-ing at every baby you both pass by.  High school teachers are too stressed out from their job to properly service your manly needs at home.  Don’t bother with college professors unless you think foreplay is listening to an earful of pomo feminist shrillness.
Bonus:  teachers don’t make much money so your financial status will always be higher, guaranteeing a long and healthy relationship.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  3/4th erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  hope diamond (she’s not gonna have much opportunity to cheat at work)

Nurse

See:  elementary school teacher.  One caveat — the nurse is secretly a status whore.  Patients lean on her all day for comfort and assistance so when she gets home she wants nothing more for herself than a high status alpha male to lean on.  That is why you will often see nurses pairing up with military officers, stockbrokers, and executives.  The superfeminine gravitates to the supermasculine.  Surprisingly, nurses and doctors rarely date — perhaps they look for a partner in whom they can escape the human suffering they deal with on the clock, and not be reminded of it at home.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  1/3rd erection (full erection if she wears the nurse outfit)
Long Term Potential Rating:  cubic zirconia (it’s fun to fool status whores)

Scientist

Hidden gem.  The female scientist is reserved, taciturn, introspective, shy, and when they put some effort into how they look, cute — all wonderful traits for a woman to possess.  They ambitiously pursue abstract ideas, not material goals or oneupsmanship, so status competition with them will be minimal.  They are smart in the way people like their smarties — inwardly directed as opposed to outwardly manipulative.  This is a result of their smarts being spread out over both brain hemispheres rather than concentrated in just the right like most women.  The scientist’s natural creativity and systematizing impulse will express itself with magnificent attention to detail in the bedroom.  You will never get a better… or more meticulous… blowjob.
Minus:  she is ultimately rational and will give you exactly six months to propose.  No stringing along this chick.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  serviceable chubby
Long Term Potential Rating:  3 carats  (frumpy clothes and dorky competition encourage fidelity)

Stripper

Have you ever seen an unhappy man dating a stripper?  The novelty, bragging rights, and earthshattering sex are worth the drama.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  titanium rod
Long Term Potential Rating:  hide your valuables

Journalist

Don’t ask me why but for some reason these girls have absolutely no personal ethical code whatsoever.  Which may be why the journalism profession is in such disarray today and trusted by no one.  The she-journo will fuck around remorselessly with a dashing embed while her fiancee waits loyally at home for her return.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  3/4th erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  1/24 carat

Artist

Every man should experience at least once in his life the joy of dating an artist chick.  Painters, photographers, singers, freelance fiction writers, actresses… their exuberant lovemaking will spoil you for all other women.  Their beautiful romantic gestures will capture your heart.  Their craving for intimacy and their wellspring of empathy will draw you in.  And then right at the moment you fall deepest for her you will catch her one night frenching a half-shaven DJ at a seedy club.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  titanium rod minus refractory period
Long Term Potential Rating:  cracker jack box ring

CEO

Are you fucking kidding me?
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  flaccid
Long Term Potential Rating:  why bother?

Waitress

That’s more like it.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  7/8th erection
Long Term Potential Rating:  1/2 carat

Blogger

If she writes a confessional online diary, expect her to be passive-aggressive, petty, moody, cruel, untrustworthy, vengeful, and highly libidinous.  Make a sex tape as soon as it is feasible so you can use it as blackmail in the event of post-breakup threats to out your dirty laundry on her blog.
Sexual Satisfaction Rating:  N/A
Long Term Potential Rating:  N/A

I hope it hasn’t escaped anyone’s notice that sexual satisfaction and long term potential are inversely related.

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