Shaming Girls For Their Bad Choices

These guys were talking to a couple of women at Marvin when an attractive third girl who was a friend of the women showed up. I walked over to occupy chat up the friend and our conversation was good. She was flirty, fun and all smiles. We talked for maybe ten minutes when I felt a meaty hand grip my forearm hard. I looked in the direction of the grip and saw an inebriated man giving me the drunk stink eye.

“Yo dude, take your fucking hand off my arm.”

He removed his hand. I turned back to the girl. Three seconds later his hand was back on my forearm.

“What did I say?” I grabbed his arm and pushed it off. He grunted and was about to put it back on when the girl intervened.

“Stop! Sorry, he gets like this. He’s drunk right now and can get very protective.”

“I see. So this is your boyfriend?” She was slapping his hand away like a mom would an insolent child.

“We’ve been dating a little while. I met him through the internet.” Figuring out why she would divulge that critical detail, I looked over and saw Douchebag Extraordinaire half sliding off his barstool and making another flailing attempt to grab my arm. He was a stocky guy, definitely not a herb, but his drunkenness meant slow reaction times. I was not worried if it came to blows.

I only felt superficial anger toward this guy. He was an insecure tool, but tools are a feature of the universe, like dark matter. They’re all over, and you learn to deal with them like you deal with the weather. My real contempt was for the girl for brazenly flirting with me in front of her date without telling me she was taken, and for dating such a loser. I never allow myself to be the guy that girls get their validation kicks from in plain view of their low self-esteem trigger happy boyfriends.

As I’m watching this go down, she kept repeating “I’m really sorry” but in that perky way that makes you think she’s not FEELING as sorry as she should. I turned back to her with a cold stare, making sure she understood that my problem was with her. “I’m done talking with you.” I pointed at her internet date. “Get this part of your life handled before you think about talking to guys like me again.” I walked off.

Taking a girl instantly from the high of flirty banter to the low of icy scorn lets her know her shit won’t fly with you. Social disapproval in the form of ostracization is a heat-seeking missile that aims straight at the thermal exhaust port of women, and if enough men had the balls to make an attractive girl pay a price for her stupid bar games and her bad choices in dates she might, over time, improve her behavior.

I’m not holding my breath.

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Auto Mechanics Are Con Men

I dropped my car off at a Midas in a ritzy suburb of DC* to get an estimate for repairs. I left their shop the next afternoon having bitched them out in front of customers with no repairs done and a credit toward any future visits.

Here is the standard MO of the slimeball con man mechanic. If you are the recipient of this schtick, do not bring your car there.

– First, he’ll tell you how great your car is, to soften up your resistance. “That’s a good year for that car. They stopped making them like that a couple years ago. Fine vehicle. Solid engine. If I were you I’d do whatever it takes to keep her in top shape. She could go 300,000 miles.”

– Then he’ll try to sell you on repairs and upkeep you don’t need using parts jargon you’ve never heard. Oh, and all the parts come as a “unit” or in “pairs” so you’ll be spending double what you really need to spend. Watch out for phrases like “While we were looking for that brake problem you asked us to check, we came across…” and “We recommend a transmission, brake, and coolant flush.” In fact, if he uses the word “flush” a red flag should immediately go up. Suckers Customers, especially fad-of-the-day yuppies who extol the virtues of regular coffee and wheatgrass colonics, must be conditioned to believe a car needs a “flush” every 500 miles because they anthropomorphize their cars, like they do their tiny eunuch dogs.

– After you’ve turned down every one of his additional recommendations, he’ll begrudgingly agree to your basic repair request (you’ll actually hear the disappointment in his voice) but neglect to give you a quote if you don’t ask for it. ALWAYS ASK FOR A WRITTEN PRICE QUOTE. If you are speaking to him over the phone tell him to write his price quote down so that you can see it when you come to pick up your car. Without a price quote, you are guaranteed to pay more than what you anticipated.

– He neglects to ask if you want after market or OEM (original equipment manufacturer) parts used. If you don’t specify after market, expect to pay double for OEM since he will default to those parts. When you ask later why after market wasn’t used, he will tell you “those specific after market parts aren’t designed for your model car.” 99% of the time this won’t be true, so don’t believe him.

– Any haggling by the shop manager is an admission of guilt. Why would he haggle if his price wasn’t flexible from the start? Can you haggle for pants at Banana Republic? It’s weird that mechanics in the US operate like third world bazaars.

– If his eyes are close together on his head and he has pock marks, there is a higher than average chance he is a con man.

How you can protect yourself:

– If you feel like you’re being scammed, bitch the scumbag out with liberal use of “fuck” in all its glorious permutations. Start arguing in a mild-mannered way to lower his defenses and build to a curse-filled crescendo. Make sure to do this when other customers are in earshot. An irate customer fucking up shit for the boss in front of his underlings and the other customers (and future customers) puts a lot of pressure on him to concede and cut you a deal. Bonus points if children are present. Watch how fast he grabs his ankles.

– Wear dark-shaded sunglasses to make yourself look more intense and slightly crazy.

– Look all those parasites in the eyes. A liar will never be able to hold your gaze for longer than a couple seconds.

– Bring a PDA or iPhone and start furiously googling for parts and repair prices. Announce loudly for all to hear that you are going to “google and see what this really costs.” Hold your PDA high in the air when you say this. C.H.U.D.s cower before the power of the mighty google.

Top three sleaziest occupations: mechanic, used car salesman, personal injury lawyer. I’m seriously contemplating selling my car.

*I bet the bigger rip-off artists are in upper class neighborhoods. Rich yuppies who don’t know a thing about cars would throw money at the mechanic to fix the problem, chalking up the cost to normal “wear and tear”.

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Culture In Decline: A Pictorial Series

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Cat On A Leash

UPDATE

A reader sent in this photo of a cat in a stroller that is whisked around town by its owners:

I thought the end of America would be a long, slow decline over generations, but now I think it might happen in a matter of years.

My man about town, Dodgeball Dan, called from an undisclosed location to inform me that there was a young-ish couple walking a cat on a leash. He was so repulsed and simultaneously fascinated that he had to tell me as the action was going down.

DD: Dude, there’s a couple walking a cat on a leash. I can’t believe what I’m seeing.

Me: Is the guy a herb*?

DD: Oh yeah, total herb. And of course his girlfriend is cute. [To the couple] Hey, does he fetch?

Herb: Only indoors.

DD: He looks a little confused.

Herb: It’s his first time outside.

DD: [Back to me] Wow. Oh man. The herb just picked the cat up like a baby, cradled it, and carried it off. These are the end times for America.

Between this:

and this:

these are indeed the end times for America. It’s not so much the decadence that’s doing us in, it’s the silliness. (Open borders, cats on leashes… it all flows from the same juvenile mindset.)

*herb, noun – a schlumpy, nondescript white guy with no fashion sense, chin, or sexual gravitas, who has managed to hook up with a cute chick. Herbs usually wear satchels to nightclubs and button down collar shirts with the Hanes undershirt peaking through at the neck. They love anything khaki and are not embarrassed to be seen wearing fanny packs or sandals. A super herb takes it up a notch with white athletic socks and an extra-large t-shirt to hide his man boobs. They have a walk that can be best described as looking like they are carrying a load in their pants. They will annoy you just by being there. The fact that a herb will have usually managed to score a cute yuppie chick will fill you with violent feelings toward him.

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Gaming “Type A” Girls

The Type A and Type B personality theory (or Type A and Type B behavior pattern) divides the population of humans into two groups, based on their personality characteristics.

People who fall under Type A exhibit characteristics such as being impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about one’s status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation. Type A individuals are often high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays.

Cute girl approaches me. She looks vaguely like Hilary Swank, but with better teeth. Her posture is ramrod straight. The smile on her face doesn’t falter. She never breaks eye contact. Her energy is intense. I feel like I should salute her.

Her: I saw you standing over here trying to look cool so I figured I’d come over and say Hi.

Me: “Trying”?

Her: What’s your name?

Me: That was fast. Let’s get creative. Ask another question.

Her: What do you do?

Me: Look cool.

Her: So you work for free? Because I’ve seen better.

Me: No… you haven’t. Hey, I just saw you gaming some guy right over there. Are you going around the bar practicing your flirting skills?

Her: I’m winging for my friend. [she points to a dude across the room] I was occupying the guy talking to me so my friend could hit on the girl in his group. I gave him a number I never answer.

Me: You’re like the female version of a player. For some reason I think you’re proud of that.

Her: [beaming] Yes, I am! [stares daggers into me] So, really, what do you do?

Me: Back to this again. OK, I make it hard for girls like you to get a straight answer. I get the feeling you want guys to be intimidated by you.

Her: You aren’t intimidated by me? Because most guys are.

Me: I’m shaking in my boots.

***

This edgy, in-your-face banter lasted for 15 minutes, escalating every step of the way. The longer it lasted, the more she became intrigued, her facial expressions getting animated with each new pseudo-insult. It was fun for me… for the first 30 seconds… then I became annoyed. High octane antagonistic flirting can quickly devolve into a farce and when that happens the momentum is lost. Sassy works in measured doses; more than that and it turns into bitchy. And despite the latest cultural meme to the contrary, guys don’t really like bitches. We prefer sweet.

Unfortunately, DC is filled to the brim with Type A girls. A brimful of assholes on the 45. So you have to learn to love confrontational flirting, because that’s what these girls use to separate you from the rest of the pack. It’s all they know. The better you parry her, the higher she bumps you up her male scale.

The trick is to give her what she wants at first, then pull it away and force her into your courtship tempo. Type A girls are actually *easier* to attract than Type B girls because they are simple creatures who respond reflexively to men who don’t wilt under their onslaught. Type Bs tend to be more inscrutable and sensitive; one bold move can close them off to you for good if they take it the wrong way. You’ve got more leeway with Type As to flirt outrageously, but the downside is that they are skilled at preventing you from moving the seduction forward. If you’re not careful, you’ll have a crazy fun time with her for 20 minutes… then walk home empty-handed.

Spend a few minutes attracting her, then firmly change the tone of the conversation. Say something like “Well, this is fun, but it would be better if we sat down over there and had a real conversation.” Or do a cold read: “I have an intuition about you. You come across so forward and intense, with a big wall built up around you, but inside there’s a sensitive vulnerable girl who just wants any chance to show the right guy the side of her that she hides from the world.”

Find an excuse to get her to move to a quieter spot where you can sit her down. Type As lose a lot of their incessant cockiness when they are sitting down. The physical act of sitting seems to humble them a bit. Whatever you do, don’t bother number closing a Type A if you haven’t moved past the flirting and gotten her to open up to you about something personal. You’ll know you have done this when the smile plastered on her face all night finally takes a break. Type As are very social and flirt with lots of men. She will forget you as soon as she’s left the bar to go home if your interaction with her was entirely superficial.

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Unbridgeable Chasm and a Recap

There was a contest for the best pictures on the internet for 2007 and the winners of the ‘Favorite Photo for Male Voters’ and ‘Favorite Photo for Female Voters’ categories really says a lot about what turns us on visually.

Here is the photo judged most pleasing by male voters:

No surprise. I would’ve liked to have seen some green nipples for realism.

Here is the photo judged most pleasing by female voters:

The lesson is clear. Men have women’s bodies on the brain, and when they can’t ogle a real woman’s body they’ll settle for a mossy likeness. Women have cute animals, babies, and maternal love on the brain. And when they can’t enjoy these things they become lawyers. In previous generations, the husband spent a few nights a week out of the house playing poker with his buddies. There was no concept of married couples sharing all aspects of their lives together. I think they had it right.

In other news, the hipster happy hour last Friday brought a lot of love, although there weren’t many authentic hipsters at Marvin, just a lot of yuppies dancing ineffectually. There was rampant binge alcoholism and some were found passed out on their couches afterwards.

This looks like it was a very sweet dream.

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Reality Check

I was walking with a friend down a city street here in the city and we took a running tally of all the cute girls we passed. We lost count. No sooner were we leering at admiring one hot chick when another one appeared and stole our attention. I wondered if this was how lions felt when there were too many prey animals to choose from on the veldt — overwhelmed to the point of inaction.

One of the routes I frequently take has tons of chicks.

 

That’s an average of 70 inspiring girls along this heavily-trafficed route. I rarely see repeats, except for the Pink Ladies loitering in front of Asylum. This route is probably the second best in city for day game, just behind Kansas.

As you can see, the center city is a magnet for girls who want to sit on the benches and pretend to type on laptops.

This heavy concentration of babes in parts of the city can lead a man to mistakenly believe the whole world is a playground of available women ripe for his charms. He may then conclude there is no hurry to approach any one girl since there’s always another one coming. Such a flawed perspective needs a reality check, so I’ve put together a handy chart that shows indisputably how few acceptable girls there are in an average day for a man to hit on.

Age of woman	# per 100 you’ll see walking around on any given Saturday in DC*	% 7s and Above	# of Acceptable Targets (rounded)	# of acceptable targets who will be single** at any given time
18	1	92	1	0
19	2	88	2	0
20	4	80	3	1
21	4	70	3	1
22	5	65	4	1
23	7	55	3	1
24	9	47	4	2
25	10	42	4	2
26	11	37	4	2
27	9	33	3	2
28	6	28	2	1
29	4	25	1	1
30	4	20	1	1
31	3	15	0	0
32	3	12	0	0
33	2	10	0	0
34	2	8	0	0
35	2	5	0	0
36	2	3	0	0
37	2	2	0	0
38	1	2	0	0
39	1	1	0	0
40	1	1	0	0
41	1	1/2	0	0
42	1	1/4	0	0
43	1	1/5	0	0
44	1	1/10	0	0
45	1	1/100	0	0
The Wall	Invisible	0	N/A	N/A
Totals	100		35	15

*Older women will tend to be found in Costco on a Saturday afternoon buying bulk Oreos for their kids.
**Restricted to girls who are open to meeting men. Women in the city between 28 and 35 are more likely to be single than women under 25.

From my chart, the pickings are slim. For every 100 women in a youth-oriented city that attracts good-looking girls from all over the country, you will be aroused by 35 of them, and have an outside shot at gratifying your arousal with only 15.

To put it in another perspective, since most men agree on what constitutes a 7 and above, you’re competing with 100 other guys for 15 vaginas. Do you have what it takes to be in the top 15%?

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