Becoming a Minor Scenester Celebrity

in eight fab steps.

1. Identify your target demographic.

 2.   Dress the part.

3.   Frequent your designated list of certified hip venues.  Do not commit social hara-kari by showing up to the same place twice in one week.

4.   Take pics of yourself having fun in certified hip venues. Hold camera steady at arm’s length or recruit BFF/fuckbuddy.  Solicit ever-present amateur foreign photographer with tit flashing or pouty-lipped pose.

5.   Befriend someone in the circle jerk who runs a website dedicated to digitally archiving last night’s fun.  Because the only reason you are having fun is so that you can see pictures of yourself having fun the next day.

6.   Build fanbase of inquisitive internet onlookers with living vicariously issues.

7.   Repeat ad nauseum until you are having your picture taken unsolicited by fun-archiving friends who expect to have the favor returned.  Amuse yourself by logging into public forums to see how many angles they caught of you in jpeg format.  The new fishnet stockings and crotchless panties looking fine from floor-level perspective!

8.   Never look straight at the camera.  This shows you are too busy whoring attention and being a poseur to notice that someone is taking your picture.  Effect a calculated aloofness.  You’re set for 5-10 years of juicy coutureness.

Alternate Route:

Deal coke.

For guys, minor scenester celebrity (MSC) is a great way to get laid with other aspiring scenesters, even if you are ugly.  In fact, if you are ugly, go balls out ugly.  Shove it in people’s faces.  That’s called being authentic.

For girls, MSC will result in thermonuclear meltdown levels of female cattiness.  It is irrelevant to getting laid, except insofar that someone will now digitally archive in photos or rumors your propensity for spreading your legs.

The Late Night Shots dust-up inspired this post.

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Dick Farm

The next time you hear a guy talk about the favorable female to male ratio in DC, show them this:

wingmans anonymous meeting

From a quick head count it looks like the men outnumber the women 3 to 1 in this picture.  I’d say this scene is representative of the majority of DC singles bars on any given weekend night.  Even if it’s technically true that there are more fertile-age women than men in DC it’s clear from the facts on the ground that these surplus women are all staying home crocheting sweaters for their cats or playing jenga.

There is no external factor that will impact a man’s success with women more than the sex ratio of the venue he attends.  No fancy analysis is needed to confirm this observation — it’s simple supply and demand market functions working on human psychology.  If there is one girl and ten guys vying for her attention she will get an inflated sense of her mating worth and it will show in her attitude.  The 6 will have the bitch shield of a 10 when there are enough guys giving her the time of day.  The trick is to meet women where their sexual market value is most accurately self-assessed.  That brazen 6 will be very accommodating when there are 8s and 9s all around her hogging the limelight.

An artificially boosted self-esteem means she is likely to test the waters and push for the best deal she can get by rejecting many early advances for the possibility of a better prospect opening her later in the night.  Your time and energy investment carries a much higher risk premium under these circumstances.

I am still surprised just how drastically a girl’s personality will shift when more guys flood her field of view.  It’s as if the hordes of swinging dicks release a pent-up princess.  She’ll start passively engaging the flirtations of every man hoping to absorb as much male attention as humanly possible to fuel a seizure of salf-satisfied preening.  For many women, receiving a sustained burst of positive feedback on their attractiveness to men can often be better than sex itself. 

With the deck stacked like this, certain game strategies are rendered inoperable.  Tactics like jealousy plotlines (making your target jealous by walking away from her to talk to another girl), pawning (using another girl that you have befriended to open your target easier), and calculated indifference (won’t work when ten other guys are hovering to jump in at any opportunity) need a somewhat balanced ratio to utilize effectively.

If you have the tightest of game, and believe personal growth can only come through putting your skills to the test, then knock yourself out at the dick farms.  You can demonstrate your prowess in comparison to the weak competition.

For those who prefer the path of least resistance, here are my suggestions for avoiding the sausage:

Stay away from places with egregious specials on cheap beer.  If it has $2 Miller Lites all night it’s a good bet the bar will smell like Axe.

Go out on weeknights instead of weekends.  The kinds of girls out on a weeknight are more motivated to meet someone.  There are fewer of them, but they’re easier to game.

Skip places that advertise through major promoters.  An Absolute Addiction promotion will summon the armies of douche darkness.

You can help.  If you want to improve the scenery and psychological profile of this ego-besotted city, as well as build the character of the women, try not to contribute to the visual pollution by rolling into venues with a cock posse twelve strong.  There are a few places in DC that have manageable ratios.  Chi Cha and Cafe Citron come to mind.  If you’re secure in your masculinity, you can also take my advice and hit up the gay bars.

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Girlfriend or Fling?

Player or Poseur gave me many minutes of quality entertainment, so in homage to that theme here’s something similar I call Girlfriend or Fling.  Examine the photo and figure out by superficial judgement alone if the girl(s) featured would make girlfriend material or good time material.  Does she look like the type of girl you could trust to be loyal and faithful, or would you be more likely to catch her dancing on a bar one night with a club monster sliding a hand under her skirt?

The girl on the left would make a solid girlfriend, assuming she met your attractiveness threshold.  The girl on the right would make an excellent one night stand.  She is dressed sluttier and is more assertive in her grinding.  Plus, playettes are always striking poses in order to draw attention to their bodies… their bread and butter for getting what they want.  Girls with better values and a stronger internal compass tend to smile warmly and sincerely at the camera, because they are trying to convey their personalities.

Date Girl #1 like she was a normal human being who would be happy to enjoy the pleasure of your company.  Wait 2 days before returning Girl #2’s texts and phone calls, and when you do set up a date, tell her to wear something revealing.

Addendum:

This photo gives a better idea of what kinds of traits men notice when deciding girlfriend potential.  These two girls are nearly equal in attractiveness (in fact, they might be sisters), so differences in beauty are neutralized as a variable.  Yet, the girl in the orange top has heartbreaker written all over her while the other looks more grounded.  Judging by their clothes is difficult since there is not much distance separating them, though the orange top plunges lower showing more cleavage, and lace is always indicative of sexual adventurism.

Like with the first pic, the smile says it all.  Blue shirt girl’s smile is natural, unforced, and inviting.  She doesn’t give the impression of hiding anything about her true character.  Orange shirt girl is looking seductively at the camera under heavy lids.  She is making love with the viewer, while blue shirt girl is making friends with the viewer.  I would feel safer dating blue shirt girl.

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Blue State Euphemism Day

Babies

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Hey Sexy Baby Is That Pepper Spray?

The Washington City Paper has an article about DC’s eligible bachelors — the guys who catcall women on the street.

Of course, it’s not the catcalling (or the flirting or the leering or whatever) that’s the problem; it’s who’s doing it.  If [insert favorite male actor/rockstar] were to Ay, Mami! women in the bar or on the street, they’d shoot out of their capris like a Slip ‘n Slide.  Verbal harassment is a subjective experience, even if you have to go way out to the margins to find the subjectivity.  The same thing happens to men, too, although to a much smaller degree since men are inherently less protective of their sexual dignity.  It gets annoying real fast for a guy when the drunk fat chick starts pawing his chest and thigh and whispering in his ear what she’d do to him with her crisco and dildo machine.  Substitute “fat chick” with “random hot chick” or, hell, “average chick without leprosy”, and he’d welcome the harassment.

Given that most guys (especially the ones in Mount Pleasant) don’t possess the sexual capital of movie stars to pick up girls with primitive catcalling, it’s a wonder why guys even bother trying it.  Of all the pick up methods, I can’t think of any worse than blurting out Hey hey sexy baby! at a passing woman.  It’s right up there with flashing, anonymous love letters, and CL missed connections.  Since the women in the article hint that the majority of catcallers are non-white I can only assume that these guys get more positive reactions from non-white women, which encourages them to try it on everyone.  They soon learn what they’re up against.  Like this professional catcaller, Rudy Contreras, says:

“It’s tough in D.C.,” he says. “Especially with white girls. They are stuck up, man. Bitches.”

It is tough in DC, Rudy, it is.  But you’re going to have to bring sharper skills than that if you want to bag a trophy prey.  A part of me welcomes these stupidly crass comeons because they make me look so much better in comparison, but it’s a double edged sword.  Women who are frequent recipients of catcalls will harden themselves with 24/7 bitch shields at maximum deflection power, so when a genuine guy like myself comes along who only wants to jizz all over them get to know the real person inside my job is that much more difficult.

With the 40 year old feminist and sexual revolutions now metastasized into every fiber of the culture, women have to realize that they have sacrificed some privileges that are never returning without a rollback of their liberation ideology.  Chivalry really is dead.  Men see no reason to extend themselves for self-sufficient, egotistical women they aren’t fucking, and those few male holdouts who do make a stand for the old ways soon learn to their dismay that chivalry won’t earn them the modern woman’s sexual attraction — in fact, just the opposite.  Chivalry is the unsexy handmaiden of the perpetual loser in love.  And so the gollums of the street feel free to harass at will, knowing that Sir Lancelots are few and far between these days.

The flock of young women to the atomized urban jungle practically made harassment a foregone conclusion.  In smaller communities where everyone knows each other’s business and social connections are less tenuous than in the fractured social scene of the city a woman’s father, brothers, male cousins, and uncles would corner the perp with a warning first, a silverback beatdown next.  Who’ll speak for her in DC?  Her male “friends”?  Ha.  All those guys are angling to get in her pants.  They’re just less obvious about it than the catcallers.

Reading some of the quotes from the women complaining about street harassment is illuminating, in ways I’m sure they didn’t intend.  At least half of the women saw fit to mention what they were wearing when they got verbally accosted:

Late night, walking from car to apartment: From across street, from a guy getting out of his car, hear grunts, kissy noise, and the popular low-pitched “beauuuutiful.” I have on jeans, sneaks, puffy winter coat. Puffy winter coat.

These women are revealing a deep-seated understanding that, yes, what they wear will have some impact on how men react to them.  She is surprised a “puffy winter coat” didn’t stop a guy from whistling at her.  I doubt she’ll ever contemplate the direction her logic necessarily takes her — that revealing clothing will attract more unwanted male attention.

My suggestion for the omegas:  Deliver your catcalling in Italian, the language of love.  You can say just about anything in Italian and make her feel like the most special woman in the world.

[Italian]Let us make beautiful anal music together, and with my hot seed injection you will bring forth a buttbaby.[/Italian]

Spend some time crafting the perfect pitch.  She’ll appreciate the effort.

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Gay Bars are Great Pick Up Joints

…for straight men.  It’s not usually what guys think of when they’re choosing happy hunting grounds, but the gay bar has many advantages going for it that the typical hetero bar does not.  The key is to limit your forays to the dainty side to informally gay bars.  These are the establishments that don’t attempt to skirt anti-discrimination laws with “no high heels” door policies intended to keep women out.  Gay guys go to these bars in numbers exceeding random distribution, but the overall vibe is ambiguous.  Along with the gays, you will find many women and a few straight men, as well as question marks.  If you are a young, reasonably good-looking straight man you will not feel uncomfortable walking into this kind of place.

Formally gay bars, while not designated as such in the strict legal sense, are widely known to be hangouts specifically catering to gay men.  Straight men and lesbians never step foot in these places.  Straight women will occasionally patronize the hardcore gay bar, but the practice is frowned upon by the regulars.  If you are a young, reasonably good-looking straight man and you walk into one of these bars you will feel like a rape victim waiting to happen.  All eyes will be on your crotch.  You will feel urges to slouch and conceal your pecs with crossed arms and to avoid eye contact with anyone.

Most straight men live in deathly fear of their masculinity being questioned and so will never think to seek out a pick up location that features more than a tiny coterie of token gays.  But these are exactly the venues that afford the best opportunities for picking up women.  Let’s examine the evidence:

• Straight women number almost as many as would be found in a straight bar, especially at the beginning of the night when they are getting warmed up.
• Considerably fewer straight men (the competition) than would be found in a straight bar.
• The flirtations of the gay men are kept in check by the ambiguous ambience; they can never be sure who is gay and who isn’t.
• Gays bring enthusiastic fun fun fun wherever they go.  Their infectious fun germ lifts the spirits of all the women, making your job of amping up their emotional state a lot easier.  It’s a piece of cake to open a woman who is all smiles and giggles rather than one with a dour look and her back turned to the entire room.
• You can fly under the radar.  She’ll assume you are gay on your approach.  Defensive shields down, thermal exhaust port in sight.
• Gay guys provide lots of situational opener material with their antics and overwrought drama.  Example: I think that guy just flashed his boob at me.  I feel like a piece of meat.  I can tell you’re really enjoying having the tables turned on us guys.
• All the gayness will magnify in comparison the dangerous sexiness of your straight male presence.  The harmless and safe fun of the gays will make her vulnerable to your predatory aura.
• The gay guys will social proof you, in a way.  While it’s not as good as being seen with an attractive woman, a gay man telling everyone in earshot what a juicy hunk of beefcake you are is bound to elicit some feelings of intrigue in the girls you’d like to impress.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that the male-female ratio in your venue of choice will determine your success at hooking up more than any other factor besides the skill level of your game.  How many times have you noticed in bars where the men heavily outnumbered the women the 5s and 6s behaving with the haughtiness of 9s and 10s?  Artificially inflated demand is never a good quality in women.  But gay guys throw all that out of whack.  When half the men aren’t remotely sexually interested in the women their market price takes a nosedive.  If you are really good, you can enlist a gay guy who has a crush on you to wing for you.  Just keep him guessing that one day you might convert. 

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