Time To Boredom

There are two reasons men get bored with women: Intellectual incompatibility and beauty incompatibility. The less mentally stimulating or aesthetically stimulating a woman is to a man, the quicker he will grow bored with her and throw his worm back into the waters for nibbles from new fish. Which of these two factors controls a larger portion of a man’s interest? Beauty, clearly, and especially so in the critical first few months, but assuming a threshold for acceptable beauty is met intellectual attraction or lack thereof serves to capture a man’s interest beyond the three-month mark. If neither the beauty nor intellectual threshold of attraction is crossed, a man will get bored after the first ejaculation. If both are met, a man is susceptible to the woman’s ploys to entrap him into marriage.

Beauty and intellectual compatibility are relative to the man’s dating market value. If the man is a 9, he will need a woman who is a 9 or 10 in beauty, and no less than 10 IQ points lower than his own, if he is to avoid getting bored with her after a month or two. Although I’ve known plenty of people whose wit, charm, and humor belied their average IQs, I will use IQ in this post as a rough proxy for intellectual and personality compatibility. For purposes of discussion, I’ll set aside the few exceptions where the IQ of the partners is equal but their interests are so contrary that boredom becomes a manifestation of despising the other person’s hobbies.

What follows is a handy chart illustrating Time To Boredom for the average man (male dating value rank = 5 on a scale of 0 – 10 inclusive) based on the two critical variables of female beauty and IQ. Note that Time To Boredom is a relative value that will, on average, occur much sooner for a high ranking man than it would for a low ranking man. It is conceivable, in fact, that a male 10 will get bored with every woman he meets within hours if he doesn’t have mistresses to take up the slack in his attention span, while a male zero might take years to get bored of a female zero, although in the latter case the boredom might be just as quickly forthcoming but given the dearth of options available to the male zero he will work hard to keep his boredom and disgust hidden from his ugly partner.

Female IQ is measured against a male baseline of 100.

Female Hotness            Female             Time To Male
Rank IQ Boredom
0                                   +-10 points     1 nanosecond (Neural disgust registers
before conscious awareness)
0                                   >-10 points      same diff
0                                   >+10 points     same diff
1                                   +-10 points      1 millisecond (time to retinal burn)
1                                   >-10 points      irrelevant
1                                   >+10 points     1 millisecond to boredom + annoyance
2                                   +-10 points      1 second
2                                   >-10 points      1 minute (male inspired to
ridicule the dummy)
2                                   >+10 points     1 minute (male inspired to
ridicule the nerd)
3                                   +-10 points      5 minutes (male tries to find
redeeming quality)
3                                   >-10 points      3 minutes (male fails at finding
redeeming quality)
3                                   >+10 points     6 minutes (takes male extra minute to
realize she’s ugly thanks to her
impressive knowledge of
computer hardware)
4                                    +-10 points      1 hour (male wants same night lay)
4                                    >-10 points      1/2 hour (male wants same hour lay)
4                                    >+10 points     2 hours (males wants same night lay
with talky talky chick)
5                                    +-10 points      5 weeks (bloom off the rose after
third bang)
5                                    >-10 points      3 weeks (pillow talk excruciating)
5                                    >+10 points     4 weeks (male charmed, then annoyed,
by chick’s nerdiness)
6                                    +-10 points      3 months (best he’s ever had,
but still not that good)
6                                    >-10 points      2 months (her hobby is beer pong)
6                                    >+10 points     2.5 months (emasculated by her
sharp tongue)
7                                    +-10 points      1 year (a beta’s heaven)
7                                    >-10 points      9 months (tard kills boners dead)
7                                    >+10 points     1.5 years (male inspired by her,
but relationship unstable)
8                                    +-10 points      5 years (even a beta will get tired
of sex with same hottie)
8                                    >-10 points      5 years (she’s too hot to care
about tardness)
8                                    >+10 points     5 years (she’s too hot to care
about nerdiness)
9                                    +-10 points      30 years (beta suffers seizure from
constant stream of endorphins)
9                                    >-10 points      30 years (she’s too hot to notice
tardness)
9                                    >+10 points     30 years (she’s too hot to notice
much of anything except
how hot she is)
10                                 +-10 points      forever (entered realm of unreality)
10                                 >-10 points      forever + 1 (tardness means she can’t
tell he’s a beta)
10                                 >+10 points     forever -1 (one day, she uses big word
that renders him impotent)

As you can see, it is almost guaranteed that men of every status rank will grow bored with their girlfriends, dates, wives, fuckbuddies without an external injection of groinal stimulation. There is only one way a man can delay Time To Boredom:

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The Romans Didn’t Like Fat Chicks Either

More evidence that thin has always been in. (Hat tip: Reader SB7.) The fourth century Romans of the Villa Romana del Casale and the surrounding town of Platia created mosaics of slender babes well within the optimal 17 – 23 BMI range frolicking in bikinis while playing outdoor games and generally looking cute.

Not a BBW or chubster in sight!

I feel the spirit of Dr. Seuss move me.

Do you like
chicks shaped like ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I do not like
chicks shaped like ham.

Would you like them
now or then?

I would not like them
now or then.
I would not like them ever again.

I do not like
chicks shaped like ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Would you like them in your bed?
Would you like them giving head?

I do not like them
in my bed.
I do not like them
giving head.
I do not like them
now or then.
I do not like them
ever again.
I do not like
chicks shaped like ham.
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.

Would you eat them
in their box?
Would you poke them
with your cox?

Not in their box.
Not with my cox.
Not in my bed.
Not giving head.
I would not poke them
here or there.
I would not poke them anywhere.
I would not poke chicks made of ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

I’ll be in all zee veek!

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The Myth Of The Medieval BBW

Ugly women, feminists, and fat chicks hate that men have attractiveness standards. It’s been as long as I can remember that mustachioed lezbo academics and their impressionable vajlings have been claiming that prehistoric drawings and figurines supposedly depicting fatass broads prove that female beauty standards are malleable and culturally conditioned. Riiiight. My first post-puberty boner at age fourteen for the cute, slender brunette down the street wouldn’t have happened without messages from TV telling me thin chicks are in.

Now it turns out all those ancestral BBW figurines that so enamor the sort of feminists who loathe male desire may not have been sex objects or symbolic mother/goddess figures at all. (Link via Dienekes.)

Made by Neolithic farmers thousands of years before the creation of the pyramids or Stonehenge, they depict tiny cattle, crude sheep and flabby people.

In the 1960s, some researchers claimed the more rotund figures were of a mysterious large breasted and big bellied “mother goddess”, prompting a feminist tourism industry that thrives today.

But modern day experts disagree.

They say the “mother goddess” figures – which were buried among the rubbish of the Stone Age town – are unlikely to be have been religious icons.

Many of the figures thought to have been women [by researchers] in the 1960s, are just as likely to be men.

Somewhere among my readership a fat chick just wept big bloated tears of ice cream.

Even more disheartening for the cultural conditioning crowd and BBW goddess true believers, there is evidence that prehistoric men carved plenty of sexy, slender babes for their viewing pleasure. And in mini-skirts, to boot! Yes, Cosmo B.C. must have been warping teenage minds 7,500 years ago.

“What about Rubens?!” squeal the fatties. Well, many of Rubens’ late medieval European contemporaries, such as Botticelli and Cranach, painted slender babes. And Rubens himself deviated from his fat fetish to paint normal weight women. Furthermore, it is likely that Rubens was not painting masturbation material for the masses. If he was, he probably would have ended up like Francisco de Goya, who *did* paint erotically posed slender women.

Goya was summoned by the Spanish Inquisition to explain who commissioned the “obscene” art.  I don’t know what Goya told them but he lost his job as the Spanish court painter, and this was as late as the early 19th century, though in southern Europe.  Goya’s nude maja comes close to modern erotic pinup art/photography and is the type of art that is most likely to represent the artist’s preferences or those of his contemporaries, but it doesn’t depict an overweight woman.  What were the chances of a painter coming up with something similar when the Church ruled?

If your paintings would have caused hard-ons to spring up among the drooling public, the Church would have had a word with you.

Bottom line: There is no evidence that Rubens’ paintings of unpleasantly plump women were representative of the kind of women that most men of his time considered hot. Except for a few weird outliers like the Mauritanians and fatty fuckers like Rubens, and allowing for some minor variation in female attractiveness standards between the major races, the vast majority of men across cultures and historical generations have lusted for thin young women (BMI 17 – 23) with 0.7 waist-hip ratios and feminine dispositions. No amount of railing against the “system” or engaging in sophistic pseudoacademic hocus-pocus is gonna change this fact.

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Stop Worrying About Giving Women Orgasms

We all know from endless studies and surveys that women have a more difficult time than men achieving orgasm during sex. Many theories have been put forward to explain this mystery, and even to explain why the female orgasm exists in the first place since it’s not necessary like the male orgasm is for procreation. Upsuck theory (women cum when their bodies want to “vacuum up” an alpha male’s seed), bonding theory (female orgasm releases hormones that bonds women to their partners), and mate assessment theory (alpha males don’t hurry love) all sound plausible, but perhaps the answer to the mystery of the inconsistent female orgasm is a lot more banal than any of those exotic theories. It might be that women who were born with their clits closer to their lips have an easier time cumming than women whose clits are a long ways off from their vaginas.

So if your woman has a clitoris-vagina distance (C-V distance) less than 2.5 centimeters, she’s going to think you’re the best lover in the world, no matter how much you smell like ass (link sent by Randall Parker):

[S]imple physiology may have a lot to do with orgasm ease — specifically, how far a woman’s clitoris lies from her vagina.

That number might predict how easily a woman can experience orgasms from penile stimulation alone — without help from fingers, toys or tongue — during sexual intercourse.

In fact, there’s even an easy “rule of thumb,” Wallen says: Clitoris-vagina distances less than 2.5 cm — that’s roughly from the tip of your thumb to your first knuckle — tend to yield reliable orgasms during sex. More than a thumb’s length? Regular intercourse alone typically might not do the trick.

How funny that all the rending of garments by men and women over how to please women in bed might come down to a simple matter of the woman being born with the luck of a short C-V distance. This explanation is so unsexy, but it has the advantage of absolving men of any responsibility for bringing their lovers to orgasm.

“You came already?? But I wasn’t finished!”

“Honey, blame your parents for your large C-V distance. Now be quiet, I’m trying to get some sleep.”

Personally, I haven’t noticed any commonalities among the easily orgasmic women I’ve been with, other than that younger women tend to be better lubed and quicker to cum than older women. (Older = 30+). I’ve been fortunate (or extremely skilled) that most of the women I’ve banged had no trouble reaching orgasm. It’s too bad I didn’t know about C-V distance before, because my natural curiosity for all things beyond the pale would have compelled me to eyeball my exes’ C-Vs while going down on them. I’m pretty sure one of my Russian exes had the shortest C-V in history, if premature vaj juice expulsion is any indication.

The theory of C-V distance does beg the question — why did women evolve variable C-V distances? Why aren’t all women equipped with short C-V distances and free flowing orgasms? Maybe like other variable traits, evolution has thrown a mix of C-Vs into the female population to fill niche ecosystems. Perhaps women with larger C-Vs make better long term partners and mothers because they aren’t being tempted to pursue orgasmic release with every high value guy they see.

I do have some observations about women and their orgasms.

• Every woman has her unique “finishing position” which she favors for bringing herself to completion. They will want to revert to this position when they feel a big O is nearing the bend. There is no generalization that can be made about the finishing position, except that these positions tend to squeeze the woman’s box tighter. For some women, the finishing position is on top. For others, it’s ankles behind ears. Still others (likely those women who get off on the submissive aspect of lovemaking) favor doggy style for the cunt de grace.
• An experienced man can usually tell when a woman is having a real orgasm. The gina contractions and facial tics don’t lie.
• If you date a squirter, you will always know if she’s faking. Have towels handy.
• Moaning is highly variable. Some women tense up and go completely silent at the moment of little death. Others cry out to their god (“I’m right here watching over you, babe”).
• I once dated a woman whose clit was tiny. I could barely find it. She was only capable of orgasm through intercourse. Licking and fingering did nothing for her. She said the inside of her vagina was very sensitive. I took this to mean that she had a well-developed G Spot, which made it easier for her to cum from sex. I verified this when I stuck my finger up there and felt a large, ridged swatch of skin on her anterior vaginal wall.
• I have faked an orgasm with women a few times in my life. Yes, ladies, men do it too. Sometimes we’re bored of the endless pounding. Or you’re not that hot.

I have a suggestion for men who want to make their frigid bitches cum. UNLUBED SEX. Yep, don’t wait for her to mist up, just shove your dry rod in by surprise. The friction created by the intense pain of sandpaper sex will force her clit closer to her labia, thus providing exceptional stimulation. Many tears of love will flow afterwards.

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Sluts Are Not Less Discriminating

We were drunk. Words we would later wish hadn’t been spoken came tumbling forth.

HER: Amber got a fuckbuddy. She couldn’t wait around forever for a boyfriend.

ME: What’s forever? Ten minutes?

HER: There’s nothing wrong with having a fuckbuddy.

ME: Have you ever had a fuckbuddy?

HER: I’m just saying there’s nothing wrong with it!

ME: Holy crap, you’ve had fuckbuddies?!

HER: [open mouthed stare]

ME:

HER: [getting visibly nervous] What? I’m not saying *I’ve* had fuckbuddies.

ME: Jesus, are we talking double digits?

HER: Oh, like you’re one to talk.

ME: [thinking about the girl with the purple saguaro] You know, vibrators were invented for those downtimes!

The next weeks were spent with me recalibrating the pseudovirginal goodness of my woman. Clearly I had missed some red flags. Then I wondered how widespread the fuckbuddy phenomenon was. I wistfully pondered my past conquests. Memories that were once bathed in divine light suddenly acquired a darker hue. Emily? Yep, she must have had a fuckbuddy at some point. Julia? A stable of fuckbuddies. Kim? Doubt she could even make it through the day without a cock buried to the hilt.

I give sluts a hard time when they attempt to redefine the terms of debate with sophistic pretty lies. No doubt they do this because they know, deep down inside, that being a slut is gonna lower their value in the sexual market, and that’s the value that matters most, because it resides at the core of all other values. Nonetheless, my glee at tearing apart the lies sluts tell themselves shouldn’t be confused with animosity toward the sluttastic lifestyle. Sluts provide a valuable public service to guys like me — namely, a clearer path to sexual release. I also want to be able to identify them early on so I know to cross them off my potential girlfriend list, and to double up on the condoms.

There was a time, way back when I was a stripling, that I imagined a world full of slutty girls would be a boon for beta males. Experience with sluts has shown me otherwise. While they may be less discriminating in how often and how quickly they spread their legs, their rebuke of natural female restraint doesn’t necessarily translate to a similar rebuke of choosiness. Bad news for the betas: Sluts are slutty, just not with you. Sluts share the same target acquisition system for the top 20% of males as all women do. Hypergamy uber alles.

Reader Tupac left this comment:

Even if the women only garner a few pump-n-dumps out of such men, they are now keyed in on tenor, timber, warp and weft of the day-to-day life habits of such men and in so doing acquire a more finely honed radar for lesser men who don’t “make the cut.”

True. It may seem counterintuitive, but a loose, cavernous chick will often be *less* forthcoming with her sexual favors if the man she is with exhibits the tentative meekness of a beta.

Reader Arpagus:

And thus it comes to pass that sluts tend to be *more* picky than women with few prior partners, in a kind of twisted paradoxical way. If you are beta, don’t get your hopes up because a woman has had 80 sex partners. Someone with 5 is more likely to sleep with you, perhaps even a virgin.

Sluts may be pickier than chaste women about weeding out the betas, due to their spoiling from illusory experiences with alpha males, but they are far less modest within the circle of alphas for whom they readily part their furrows. That is why, when you hear a girl has racked up 80 partners, you should make the necessary qualification: She has racked up 80 alpha male partners who used her like a convenient sperm receptacle until something better came along.

Naturally, as you slide down the female attractiveness scale (but before you hit the 2s and below), you’ll find more sluts, and sluts more willing to slum it with betas and omegas, because easy access to their wet holes is all they have left to barter. This explains the phenomenon of fat chicks getting more sex than hot slender babes. In response to someone’s contention that fat girls have all the fun, I wrote the following comment over at the FeministX blog:

more precisely, [fat chicks] are too busy getting pumped and dumped. fat chicks have higher cock counts because in their desperation to snag a loyal boyfriend they open their thunder thighs for all and sundry hoping the easy access will win a man’s heart. the higher value women can afford to be more discriminating.

There’s more bad news for betas hoping to drain their blue balls in sluts. Not only are sluts more apt to restrict their no muss no fuss sexual favors to high(er) status men, they find it harder to emotionally bond with men, particularly men who are lower status than the highest status men they fucked. This isn’t entirely the sluts’ fault. If blame is to be placed, it should go equally to the alpha males who occasionally dumpster dive with less attractive women. There is no surer way to raise a woman’s hopes of winning a high quality boyfriend than to have an alpha seduce her for a night, give her the hottest sex she’s had in years, and then leave in the morning and not call back for weeks. Once a woman has had that faint hope instilled in her, she can go months or even years rejecting more suitable beta males in favor of pining forlornly for that one alpha male who will certainly, she tells herself, come around and decide she’s a catch worthy of commitment. And the sluttier she has been, the more fly-by-night alpha males she’ll have lodged in her memory to pine over.

A few years of getting her heart broken again and again, and even the most romantically idealistic slut will turn crassly cynical. And cynicism is the venom that slowly clots the lifeblood of love.

Interestingly, this is further proof that female obesity, just as much as the other factors I’ve written about, has heavily (heh) skewed the mating market against the interests of the average man. Not only does a growing mass (double heh) of fat women result in fewer acceptable partners for men and thus more intense competition for the remaining thin babes, but the fatties have likely poisoned their ability to bond with men because of their history of getting pumped and dumped by promiscuous alphas.

The fate of America may very well hinge on getting her women to push away from the table.

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Does It Matter If Girls Know About The Game?

Answer: No.

But don’t take it from me. Hear it straight from a woman’s mouth (hat tip: reader Joe):

The last few years of Sunday brunches with my girlfriends have revealed that players tend to follow a particular pattern. They bang a girl, then don’t call for at least two weeks. When they decide they want some ass, they will hound her with six calls on a Saturday . . . and then a Wednesday . . . and then the next Friday . . . until she picks up. Repeat.

I like to call it the Player Pattern – one section of the unspoken rule book that players everywhere use to win their game. […]

[H]ow did the Player Pattern become a pattern? Because it happened to each of my girlfriends. Repeatedly. We may moan about a lack of respect, but every time we run into a bad boy, we think we can be the one to pull him to monogamy.

I still don’t quite understand why someone would perpetuate the Player ideology. It leads females to self-doubt and insecurities, makes us hesitant and difficult and renders communication near impossible. (i.e. we will pick fights and want to talk about feelings). But I do acknowledge that tips that come from blogs, game shows and your boys seem to work. So when the game is so easy to win, can you really blame the Player? Who is really the fool here?

When I first learned game, I had convinced myself that once the material and tactics got out into general circulation and became widely known amongst the set of pretty girls who get hit on the most, it would mean game would lose its element of surprise and women would stop responding positively to it. I figured once that in-field inflection point was reached women would revert back to getting aroused by men with the biggest pecs or loudest mouth. My worries couldn’t have been more unfounded. Game is out there and girls are still lubing themselves for men who run it on them. Even the girls who *know* they are getting gamed.

To see why this is so all you need to do is play a gender role reversal thought experiment. Imagine a girl and guy meet. They have a conversation, and sparks fly. The guy thinks the girl is very attractive. At the beginning of the conversation, the girl tells the guy she wore a push-up bra to catch his attention from across the room with her cleavage, and she put on makeup to enlarge her eyes, which she knew would highly arouse him. Then she tells him she will be sure to cross and uncross her legs a few times to draw his eyes to her thighs and crotch. She further explains that she will play coy by batting her eyelashes and looking down and away when he makes a strongly flirtatious move on her, figuring that will ignite his desire to chase her and make her seem more valuable to him. Finally, she tells him she will laugh a little too hard at one of his jokes on purpose, so he will feel like she really admires his sense of humor.

What do you think will go through the man’s head?

“Yes, she likes me! I am so getting laid.”

The man will not be any less aroused from knowing the games women play to manipulate his desire. In the same way, women are not any less aroused when they are aware that a man is seducing them. They will enjoy the seduction as long as he knows what he’s doing.

Caveat: There are some one-liners in the seduction community that will become so overused they could potentially blow a guy out. I’ve heard that the “Who lies more?” opener was so ubiquitous in LA at one time that women, when they heard it used on them, would laugh out loud and tell the guy to try new material. Fortunately, there is enough fresh material now that overuse should no longer be a problem. The community has grown tremendously and technology has advanced so much that a man could check his iPhone GET LAID NOW ASK ME HOW app for a suitable quickie opener *as the situation is unfolding* in front of him. That’s power at your fingertips.

As for the “player pattern” recognized by the woman who wrote the above article, I’m not aware that it’s common community advice to wait two weeks to call back a girl you’ve banged, and to call six times on Saturday, then follow up on Wednesday and Friday. This sounds more beta than PUA, as I find it’s best to call a girl you’ve banged the day after to smooth any rough edges and hold the door open for future bangs. When to call back isn’t a critical issue; as long as you’ve attracted the girl you can call back whenever you feel like it without repercussion. Just don’t pull a Swingers and call ten times the night you met her. That much should be obvious to any man with a lick of sense.

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The Sexiest Sex Positions

My list of the sexiest sex positions isn’t necessarily a list of the positions most likely to bring a girl to orgasm. A “sexy” sex position is one that mentally and emotionally arouses a girl beyond whatever she has experienced with any other man but you, you tiger. Sexy sex positions are often the same as or similar to those seen in classic steamy movies such as “9 1/2 Weeks” or “Secretary”. In contrast, the sex positions that maximally arouse a woman’s vagina and readily bring her to orgasm are in a different class than the sexy sex positions. Orgasm inducing sex positions are whatever gets the particular girl off, which for most girls involves hoisting her ankles over your shoulders and jackhammering her into bliss. If you want to know which type is more powerful, keep in mind the lovemaking sessions your girl will most remember — usually it will be those times your copulation was infused with a sexy Hollywood-ish vibe, where the real-life scene was cluttered with natural props and romantic lighting of the sort her memory can easily grasp and retrieve, and when the mood, tension, urgency and ambience were just right.

Sexy sex positions are often spontaneous; they are rarely planned, but they can be. If you attempt to blueprint a sexy sex position, you had better know what you’re doing. This is not amateur hour. Any whiff of calculated preplanning will ruin the memory for your girl.

The Venetian Blind Bang

It is 1 AM. The only light is that from a streetlamp streaming though the half-opened slits of a Venetian blind. You’re pulling your girl’s cocktail dress over her head as she writhes with anticipation. As one hand cups her breast, you push her back into the Venetian blinds, the street light painting shards of faint yellow across her face. Her fingers intertwine with the slats and her ass cheeks rattle the blind. Bonus: Exhibitionist thrill.

The Mighty Oak Rut

You’re in the deep woods. Small woodland creatures scurry. You press her body into the massive trunk of a majestic oak tree, yank her skirt up, and let her enjoy the pleasure of having two giant phalluses consume her. Species to avoid: Any smooth-barked tree. You want this to hurt her a little.

The Bearskin Rug Fuck

One white bearskin rug. Two glasses of red wine sitting on the floor nearby. One fireplace crackling with a winter fire. This is the setting for pure, intimate lovemaking. There will be no piston-like thrusting, only gentle, uninterrupted groin-to-groin missionary grinding. Yes, I once had a white bearskin rug and it was not a hipsterly ironic bearskin. Note: Do not try this during her period unless you have killed and bagged a red furred bear.

The Steamy Shower Sexytime

The shower is running. Her hair is wet and matted against her head and shoulders. She is facing away from you, into the shower stream, her hands awkwardly slipping against the tiled shower wall as she tries to steady herself from the onslaught of a powerful orgasm. You are doing her from behind, the natural lube of her pussy mixing with the warm water cascading down her belly and back. You push her harder into the wall, as her ass arches to meet your thrusts. Note: The trick to making shower sex memorable is to have one eye-catching curio or unique detail, such as oversized candles lining the tub. Or in your lustful haste you and her jump into the shower partially clothed.

Why this will leave an indelible imprint on your girl’s mind: I coaxed an amazingly sexy girl into the shower, her panties still clinging to her wet body. She was wearing black nail polish, and in the moisture and steam the nail polish had started to run, so that she left black streaks on the tiled shower wall where she had propped her hands for support as I fucked her from behind. The sex was so hot that afterwards I took a picture of the black streak marks she left on the tiles, as a memento:

 

The Muscle Car Straddle

You have parked your 1969 cherry apple red Mercury Cougar convertible in a deserted suburban park late at night. Swings from a children’s playground creak in the distance. Your girl straddles you in the driver’s seat, pushes aside her panties, and guides you in. She grinds into you as the sweet smelling humid summernight air enshrouds you and moonlight dances off the hood of your car. Bonus: Beep the horn with her backside at the moment of climax.

The Cemetery Fuck

This one will have to be planned by you. You are taking a nighttime stroll with your girl. The clock nears midnight. You “just happen” to walk past an old, creepy cemetery; the kind where the headstones have dates going back to the 1600s and thick vines wrap around everything. (Note: You may need to live in the Northeast to find these kinds of cemeteries). You locate an especially tragic gravestone, one where a young couple rests side by side in eternal sleep. You grab your girl’s fingers and trace the engraved names together.You lay her down in the leaf-covered grass, within view of the dead couple, and slide your hand under her pleated skirt. You keep your hand over her mouth and muffle her sex moans lest she wake ghosts in your presence. Bonus: If she’s superstitious, she will come in under 30 seconds.

The Nude Beach Stealth Bang

If you are on a nude beach in the Caribbean or on the island of Mykonos, You will want to wait until twilight to roll your girl onto her stomach and face plant her into the sand. Roll her over again like you are two rutting sea lions. Getting sand into her ass crack is a feature, not a bug. Thrillseekers: Do the same except during the day. Keep a minimum 20 yards from the nearest nudists and drape a large beach towel over your bodies. Grind, don’t thrust. Thrusting as your towel-covered ass goes up and down will be immediately visible to others.

The Warm Ocean Waters Intrusion

The Caribbean is a great place for fucking. As you and your girl bob on the gentle waves of azure waters, face the beach cove where your towel lays and people are sunning themselves, and gently nudge her bikini aside. Your dick should slide in like a buttered hot dog. You will want to be in neck deep water, because the Caribbean waters are very clear and you can see you feet even in five feet of water. You don’t want sunbathing Eurotrash to actually see the copulation. If your girl can tread water, wade out past the breakers where your feet don’t touch the sandy bottom. Bonus: Pulling out just before blasting to send spurts of your cum into the warm tropical waters will be a pleasure like none you’ve ever experienced before.

The Balcony Boff

Balcony. Nighttime. View of the city. Chair. Straddle. It works.

The Sheer Curtains Fuck

Do you have sheer, white, diaphanous floor length curtains in your home? If you do, you’ll want to have standing sex with your woman as the curtains wrap around you both, creating an exquisite tactile sensation against her skin. Bonus: Keep the window open so a breeze makes the curtain fabric dance around your beloved’s body.

Do all the above and she will compare all future beta boyfriends to the romantic, sexy moments she shared with you. They will never be able to please her like you did. You will have spoiled her for all other men. She will love you and hate you for this. Victory!

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