Be A Secks God

Remember Alana Massey? No? Ok, remember the CH evisceration of her? Ah, yes, that does ring a bell. She’s back, but in a different way, providing ugly truth fodder that’s fun for the whole family. Her Twat feed secretly tingles for a suitor who made such an impression on her that she couldn’t help but fondly recall him and announce her fond recollection to the whole world.

Massey writes,

my fave part of this tactic is always showing up in sunglasses and a shit-eating grin like some kind of a goddamn genius.

He got your attention, Alana. And that’s more than can be said for the loser betas “lifting you up” (in SJW-speak) on Tinder.

Boring men who play by the rules are never remembered by women. “Hey, secks?” game may not be eligible for inclusion in the pantheon of great seduction techniques, but it beats “Hi, beautiful, how was your day? ;)” anti-game. (In Alana’s case, this come-on would be a lie in at least one detail.)

Don’t aspire to be an SJW-approved lapdog shell entity. Aspire to be a Hey, Secks man, a Skittles man, a Bring the Movies man, a Birthday Cat man, or a 8===D man. In every generation, women get the men they put out for.

UPDATE

A commenter thinks Massey is the one texting the “Hey, secks?” line. If so, it doesn’t speak well of her SMV. I mean, if you have to request a booty call intervention from a man, you probably don’t have much to offer beyond a few minutes of your discount bin jizz receptacle.

Shiv Of The Week: Caitlyn Dolezal

Via F_McGillicudy, who rightfully earns this week’s SOTW.

In case you were wondering about the absurd backstory.

Dolezal sounds like an anti-anxiety med. Fitting.

Mockery will destroy leftoid equalism. Joyous, unbridled, exuberant mockery. Unleash the Cracking.

Comedy Hour isn’t over yet:

Friendzoning Girls As A Pickup Strategy

Have you ever thought about the seductive magic contained in the element of preemptive friendzoning? A strategic disqualification of a girl has the potential to spark an instantaneous attraction for you.

Friendzoning is almost entirely the province and prerogative of prime nubility women subconsciously (or knowingly) abiding their alpha fux, beta hugs Darwinian Directive. Only the top 10% of men — the hard alphas — enjoy the same friendzone admin privileges as do women, and mostly these men friendzone out of necessity rather than personal gain, as is usually the wont of women. An alpha male with ten women knocking at his door might just find it more convenient and less heartless to curtly coochtease the HB7s so he can concentrate on juggling the HB8s and 9s.

There’s a lesson there. we’re all ears

The top SMV echelon of men exhibit aspects of courtship behavior that are nearly indistinguishable from the courtship behavior of women. Acting aloof and sending ambiguous signals of intent? Yep, women and alpha males do that. Playing coy (with sex or with commitment)? Yep, alpha male = woman. Friendzoning suitors? Again, alpha male is the mimic of woman.

The lesson is this: You want to behave in the ways of an alpha male for increased attractiveness to intrinsically narcissistic women. The rarity of the Alpha Male Experience (indie band name CH-trademarked) can be used as a guidepost to the secret society of sex-loving babes.

Hence, the preemptive friendzone. Here’s an example. Let’s establish you’ve opened a line of love communication with a girl of sufficient beauty to make the game fun. Chit chat text yap follows. You wait for an opportune pause in the resonating vibe, or a strike of awkwardness, to execute your move. If you’re experienced, you’ll be able to sense when your ship of sate teeters on the brink between sexual promise and platonic defeat. Your flirtation credit has maxed out.

Just at that moment, when she’s most expecting your announcement of phallic intention, you send this kitty diddy:

Yeeow, the presupposed princess just turned into a humbled housemaid. Guess who’s chasing whom now? Who, whom, indeed.

Now, you don’t deliberate the nature of the wound you’ve inflicted. This is the tricky part, because a wrong move here can mean a self-fulfilling friendzone. You don’t want her taking you at your word.

She’ll reply, you ignore her. It doesn’t matter what she wrote or said; in romance, substance is nothing. An hour, three hours, maybe three days later, you ask her out for a drink(s). You continue your policy of opaque silence on the subject of your friendzone request. If she asks, feign ignorance and assume the sale at the same time… “you remember what i texted last week?”… or stick with the cheeky ruse… “yep, we’re gonna swap recipes.”

Once in her company, you will proceed seducing her as if she is anything but a friend to you. Again, if she balks, you perfunctorily agree “yup, the best of buddies” as your hand travels the expanse of her competing erogenous zones, zones which are, truth be told, much more exciting to navigate.

The Three Beta Male Mortal Sins

Beta males regularly commit three mortal sins that banish them to the Hell of Incel. They are listed here. Why are the Big Three Beta Male Sins against love of a mortal nature?

One, the sin involves a grave matter (failure to succeed at the Prime Darwinian Directive).

Two, the sin is often done with full knowledge of the uselessness of the act. Pubertal beta males can be forgiven for their ignorance of female nature, but older beta males have no excuse.

Three, the sin is done with the full consent of the will. Few beta males have ever been coerced or otherwise extorted to behave in ways that kill their chances with girls. He turns off girls all on his own.

Beta Male Mortal Sin #1

DEFENSIVENESS

When beta males are tested by women, their instinct is to crouch into a defensive ball like a cornered kitten, minus the claws and fangs. Defensiveness is the beta male go-to strategy, and it fails spectacularly every single time.

For instance, if a beta male is caught eyeballing another woman, his girl buddy might chastise him with a sneering “You think she’s cute,” in response to which the beta male is likely to apologetically self-renounce something along the lines of “I wasn’t looking at her,” or “Nah, she’s not my type.”

This, naturally, ruins the nascent flirtatious vibe that the girl buddy (and formerly potential girlfriend) was trying to stoke. She will typically respond to her Pyrrhic female victory over the submissive beta male by mentally shoving him deeper into the LJBF confinement zone.

The alpha male, by way of contrast, would reply “Yeah, she’s cute,” and leave it at that. A torrent of vagina tingles are sure to flow.

Beta Male Mortal Sin #2

STRAINING

Straining, or what is colloquially known as try-hardery and more substantively as approval-seeking behavior, is the second romance killer bug in the beta male character code. The straining beta male is the guy whose joke to impress a girl falls flat, who then tries to compensate by emphasizing the point of the joke to a crowd growing increasingly uncomfortable with his inability to ride the wave of his social miscue to a safe landing.

The straining of the beta male is evident in any number of ways: Multiple, lengthy texts to a girl replying once to him with a one-word quip; professing his love to a girl three weeks into a dating cycle; profusely apologizing for slights imagined in his head or concocted in the head of a sadistic woman; m’ladyism run amok; quoting Shakespeare in hopes of arousing a woman he considers his intellectual peer; buying a fresh round of drinks each time he enjoys the warming breeze of a batted, manipulative eyelash; bragging in the most transparently self-serving manner about his accomplishments as an office drone; and, most humorously, sometimes literally chasing after a girl leaving da club, whom he talked with for ten seconds.

Straining is a close cousin of bitterness, which women recoil from at emotional distances that are the square of the distance of the beta male’s pointless crotch to the woman’s turtling labial folds.

Beta Male Mortal Sin #3

PHYSICAL AWKWARDNESS

Hoverhand. An air kiss at the end of a tepid date. A dainty touch on a girl’s shirt sleeve before quickly withdrawing for fear of offense. A hug entered at a bad angle, bodies clashing discordantly. A sweet nothing whispered five feet from a girl’s ear. Body stiffness. Jerky head movements. Darting eyes. Deeply pocketed hands. Shuffling feet. Excessive nodding in approval that is mistaken for true bonding. Relentless smiling. Overeager laughing at a girl’s typically horrid stab at humor.

You’ve seen it in action, (maybe you’ve been prone to the same), the physical awkwardness of beta males is palpable, and palpably desiccating to all vaginas within a ten-mile field of view.

Physical awkwardness is even worse than social awkwardness, for a social misstep can be ignored, retrofitted into a social triumph, or quietly forgotten with the passing of an hour’s worth of masterful romantic interlude. But evidence of a physical discomfort with the boundaries of a woman’s body and heart is an unrecoverable betrayal of anhedonic beta maleness and inexperience bedding, as Amy Schumer, feminist blowhard, might say, “fuckable” girls.

You can get away with a lot of socially obtuse miscues if your body language speaks of the pompetous of love.

***

Almost all beta males share these three mortal vibe-killer sins. One of these sins could deep-six a beta’s chances with a girl; often, a beta male will commit all three sins in the course of a single evening in mixed company.

If you are a beta male who knows he must make penance for his sins against the one holy, catholic, and apostolic Church of Poon, then I have good news for you. Simply ridding yourself of the stain of the Three Beta Male Mortal Sins —

Defensiveness
Straining
Physical Awkwardness

— will pay outsized dividends towards the balance sheet of your love life. Any further spiritual development after that soul cleansing will be gash gravy on an already promising poon vocation.

Black Angel, White Devil

Whenever you read a news story or watch a conveniently edited video seemingly demonstrating a BadWhite cop injudiciously restraining a nonwhite Being of Light, you can bet nine out of ten times there’s a mischievous backstory that completely undermines the GoodWhite Narrative™™™. And yet again that truism appears to be the operating premise in the latest Black Angel, White Devil imbroglio. (That sound you hear is the rapid deflation of the Talented Tenth’s hope in the Untalented Ninetieth’s capacity to resist Narrative self-sabotage.)

A reader summarizes the untold full story of the McKinney, Texas arrest, when Vibrancy rudely interrupted Poolside Time.

The clusterfuck comes into play here when a non-resident, Tatiana Rhodes (further referred to as “Princess Dindu Nuffins”) and her mother decided to organize and promote an event w/DJ and pool party at the park area of Craig Ranch Subdivision, in McKinney, TX. Neither Princess Dindu Nuffins and mother Dindu Nuffins obtained permission, nor paid to rent the facility for their party that was promoted on Twitter which obviously would solicit participation from the free-shit army…Princess Dindu Nuffins claims a promotion business and apparently this event was her baby and it provided her another avenue to promote another event that would sell tickets in advance of said event. What better way to keep overhead on the cheap by taking over a privately controlled neighborhood park without residents nor neighborhood security being aware of until the free shit army arrived in car-loads to take over, climbing fences and generally bullying their way into the scene in total defiance of residents questioning what was happening in their own community.

Did you know the white officer involved in this Tom Wolfe-ian fiasco was forced to resign, practically at gunpoint? (He has received numerous death threats). But, you know, the boylets at Vox will never stop telling you about the blessings of Diversity from their sharply appointed, 99% gentrified open-air offices and African art-splattered condos, complete with rooftop pool ten stories above the howling mob.

Let’s cut to the bone. A large minority, perhaps a majority, of black Americans are incapable of civilized behavior to the standard of white norms without a strong pimp hand to keep them in line. Choke on this, Tim “My Faggot Ass Bleeds Pathogenic Phony Antiracism Altruism” Wise.

Break A Dog Leg Man

There’s nothing more comically predictable than stories about chicks doing what they do best: Digging jerks. Reader Waffles passes along a chicks dig jerks anecdote, Double Infinity Plus in a Series.

Just wanted to add this to the “chicks dig jerks” evidence pile. Quite the story. A girl I know recently broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of the place they were sharing because he disliked her dog. He broke her dog’s leg on purpose. I repeat, PURPOSELY BROKE HER DOG’S LEG. She moves out on him and goes back to her apartment which she still had. She proceeds to go on rants about the incident, gets sloppily drunk at a large group gathering, and gets her old boyfriend (the one before the dog leg breaker) to drive over an hour to pick her up. She gets back with the the old bf and he moves into her apartment with her. Flash forward about a week [ed: one week!] and she is posting beach selfies with the dog leg breaker. Apparently she also moved out of her apartment to move back in with him, straight up just leaving the old bf there by himself. LOL

If you had to choose to emulate Skittles Man or Break a Dog Leg Man to win the imperishable loving devotion of a girl, choose Skittles. At least no dog gets hurt, the only innocent, loveable party in the whole sordid spectacle.

Friendzone Brutality: Help A Beta Out

Think girls don’t know about their complicity in creating safe friendzones for beta male orbiters to asexually occupy?

“Bring the movies”, this guy is not. Even his winky emoticon looks beta, like it’s not sure if the wink is too forward and might anger her.

As far as slap-downs of uppity beta males go, this one is hardcore. Combination shit test and pure sadism, an unbiased observer would have a cold heart if he didn’t feel any pity for the hapless beta. And, to be fair, not many men of whatever SMV ranking would be able to agilely parry that uppercunt and come out on top. But we here at CH mold men who are capable of taking on the hardest of ballbusters and turning those hissing broads into purring kittens.

With that in mind, Reader Ronin throws down the gauntlet,

[W]rite in with your best Captain SlapAHo responses to Emily that this guy could give if he weren’t a beta and/or in the LJBF in the first place.

Many commenters gave suggestions.

“you wish”

***

“we’re friends?”

***

I think a neg-reframe is the best way to redirect this ship:

“What was that? Your crotch bulge was distracting me”

***

Radio Silence.

***

the ascii johnson

***

You can’t come up with a good answer to this that’s also congruent with his chat until then. He should have teased her about not using makeup instead of kissing her ass and I’d stay away from asking girls how their day has been. Generally, they will volunteer information if they want to talk about it. Asking people the question he did just shows he doesn’t know what to say or it’s what I make of it.

‘what’s a friend zone? does it have a roller coaster?’

******

A CH similar favorite (perhaps not best suited to this occasion) is:

“You flatter yourself.” (Or “don’t flatter yourself” if you’re dealing with a real temptress requiring a sharper edge.)

All of the suggestions are serviceable, only a couple are particularly good. You can’t go wrong with a “8===>~~~”, or a Birthday Cat. The best suggestion is the neg-reframe, (or as it’s more commonly known, “agree&amplify”). You stand accused of desiring a sup of sweet slit, so why not try refreshing honesty and take her at her word? “Yeah, I’m jizzing in my pants right now thinking about your winning personality.” It’s better than the apologetic alternative, and you have given yourself a chance to turn a female friend into a lover.

Stay away from feigning ignorance about the friendzone (or about your friendship). No chick is gonna buy that act, and you’ll come across try-hard and butthurt. This set-up is difficult for newbs because it’s a real honey trap for betas who are prone to wearing their hurt feelings on their sleeves. That’s why it’s in a post; if you know how to handle the really tough stuff, you’ll glide through the easy pickups.

Yes, this guy started off on the wrong foot. He was two strikes down after he asked her how her day was going (lame) and called her beautiful (lamer). Just about anything he said after that to save face would have seemed incongruent. Given that reality, he may as well try a 180 in his conversational technique and summon his inner jerkboy begging to be released to the wilds. She will balk, naturally, but after a cooling-off period (say, a week), she’d be back, and that’s when he’d finally have a crack at steering their relationship to moister grounds.

What does an inner jerkboy do? He ASSUMES THE SALE.

“Walk me back?”

“Back to that friend zone you just tried to escape from :)”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you.”

Ultimately it comes down to a choice: Do you want to risk losing a female buddy for a shot at fulfilling your deepest desire with her, or do you want to carry on as a eunuch in her entourage satisfied with the faintest eddies of pleasure that ripple your way when she hangs out with you, always a torturous five feet from your insolent erection?

If the former, then dial up your jerkboy to 11, and tempt a fate that, either way, will be a blessing for you.