The Five Stages Of Cougar Grief

Denial

“I’ve still got it, baby!”
“I’ve never looked or felt better.”
“These are the best years of my life.”
“30 is the new 20!” [editor’s note: actually, in woman years, 30 is the new 40]
“My sex drive is higher.”
“I will age gracefully.”
“I’ve really grown into my skin.”

Anger

“No self-respecting man dates some 20 year old floozy.”
“Men who date younger women can’t date women their own age.” [editor’s note: replace can’t with won’t]
“It’s the patriarchal misogynistic culture that devalues older women.”
“Who needs them!”
“Pigs!”

Bargaining

“Once I apply this new tangerine-emu oil antioxidant exfoliating facial cream predigested and squeezed through the anus of a bird of paradise, I’ll look ten years younger.”
“I’ve got a great personality.” [editor’s note: no, you don’t]

Depression

“Wow, I guess it’s all over. I’ll never find a man now.”
“It’s just me and you, Fluffy. Come here, mommy needs a kitty cuddle.”

Acceptance

“Maybe settling isn’t so bad. That homeless guy outside Whole Foods has nice hair.”

***

I suppose I should feel guilty for robbing so many single older women of exciting and fulfilling dating lives and leaving them stranded in favor of dating younger women, but then I squeeze that supple flesh and smell that enticing natural aroma and I remember why I don’t.

You will too.

Sara Vote Update

OK, first of all, this wasn’t a vote to ban her. It was to limit her to 5 comments per post. My hope was that such a disciplinary action would motivate her to rein in her tsunami of consciousness blather and not use the comments section as a therapist’s couch.

The 5 comment limit also applies to SAM, who really should get together with Sara and make beautiful genital music with her. The demon spawn of such a conjugation would usher forth a new age child of such transcendent purity that he will be a light unto all the peoples of all the nations to beat their swords over their own heads.

But as it stands, the commenters have really come through for you Sara. Their love has spared you… for now.  Let’s try to tighten it up going forward, k?

Kiss Close In Front Of Her Friends

It’s not a good idea to have extended makeouts with girls in dark, grimy, loud bars and clubs the first night you meet them unless you calculate that you have a good chance to take them home that night. Too much making out, followed by an anti-climactic number close, then a long walk home without you by her side will actually increase the odds that the girl will flake when you call her two days later.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t kiss a fresh prospect at all. Kissing a girl on the same night you approach her creates a strong bond that words alone can’t achieve. You just have to do it sparingly, and always be the one to break off the kissing. Try to minimize tongue action, even if she initiates tongue probing. Keep your kisses gentle and short; don’t engulf her mouth like a horny leech. Stop after a few seconds to pull back, smile at her, then look down at your shoes and back up at her face. Glance around the room distractedly.

A very simple way to know if a girl is ready for you to kiss her is to lean into her ear as if you were going to tell her a secret, and if she doesn’t move her head backward and she lets your cheek rest flush against her cheek, you can pull back and safely go for it.

I was kissing a very tall cute girl at the bar of a trendy club in Adams Morgan, about 30 minutes after I had opened her. At one point, she said “Wow, we’re totally exposed here. Everyone can see us kissing.” But I knew, based on the fact that her eyes didn’t scan the room for people who might be watching us and instead stayed focused on me, that she didn’t really care if people saw us kissing. I didn’t assuage her fake concern: “I wish more people were watching us, I’ve always dreamed of being an exhibitionist.”

To build the tension, I made an excuse that I was going to see my friends and left her behind for a while. When I returned, her three girlfriends (it was a girls’ night out) were dancing and laughing with her. I walked up next to her, joined the fray, then pulled her in close and kissed her in front of her friends, before telling her I was leaving.

This was a risky gambit, because if she had flinched when I went for the kiss, it would’ve made me look very bad. But I knew I had built up sufficient comfort with her from over an hour of rapport. She returned my gentle kiss with equal passion. I figured that our kissing while her friends watched in plain view would greatly reduce the odds of a future flake. She would rationalize to herself: “If I let him kiss me in front of all my friends then I must really like this guy.” I’ve now made her friends my allies.

As I turned around to leave, she asked, “Hey you’re going to call me, right? Promise?”

It had worked.

July 2008 Comment Winner

We have a winner, and thanks to the finish line effort by commenter Glengarry Glenpoon (great nick btw) Gannon has been denied the coveted Commenter Trifecta. In response to my post “Would You Date Her“, Glenpoon wrote this:

[quote from original post]: I’d leave a very subtle hint, like a fake arm on her pillow before she goes to bed.

Make it a prosthetic gun, or maybe a terminator arm. She could be the coolest gf ever. The coolest.

Quentin Tarantino agrees.

Runner-up July 2008 Comment Winner award goes to Virgle Kent, for his excellent judging of the first entry in the Summer 2008 Ass Challenge:

In my expert opinion let me say GOD DAMN!!! As we like to say in the hood, “ol’ girl is working with a donkey”. She has the kind of phatty you could set your drink on while she’s standing up and tell her you’ll be right back.

Honorable Mention goes to Gannon, whose comment to my post “When The Body And Face Don’t Match” shows he has an understanding of the important things in life:

Gannon doesn’t care if a vagina is shaved or not, as long as it belongs to a (legal) teen girl.
Issues that Gannon cares about:
Is the vagina still virgin?
How does the vagina smell?
Is the vagina still tight after childbirth?

As usual, Gannon gets right to the clinical heart of the matter in his trademark deadpan style.

Congratulations, gentlemen. A plaster cast of one of my ex-girlfriend’s labia is on the way. Comes with pre-drilled hole.

The Easiest Way To Bang A Hot Chick

If you are a beta who lacks the game, attributes, or status to bed 8s and above there is hope for you. By choosing your targets wisely, you can experience the exquisite and unparalleled pleasure of having sex with a hot girl — the kind of girl normally reserved for the apex alphas at the top of the human food chain. The trick is in knowing how to identify the most responsive targets.

I’ve devised a search and seduce target designation system for finding the hottest girls most likely to give it up to a sub-alpha such as yourself. Each of the factors listed below corresponds to better odds that the hot girl who has that problem will date and bang you. As the “negative” traits accumulate, the odds of hot girl sex increase exponentially rather than linearly.

• Over 25
  Odds increase by: 10% for each additional year, -20% age 30, +30% ages 31 and up

Obviously, the window to take advantage of the Age-Leg Opening association is small, perhaps only 5 years, because past a certain age her legs will no longer open to the vagina of an 8, but a 6 or less. And if you’re going to settle for 6 vaginas, you may as well limit your efforts to young 6s. In the rare cases where a woman manages to stay hot into her 30s, expect the Age-Leg Opening association to temporarily reverse around the age of 30. This is because all single women experience a delusional reevaluation of their marketability when they hit the milestone of 30. They play hard to get one last time in hopes they can recapture the glory of their youth. Of course, this phase ends quickly as she rediscovers reality and spinsterhood looms. After this brief but frantic period when she has gone through the five stages of cougar grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance* — she’ll adjust her Leg Opening Quotient incrementally until she stops being invisible to men.

* Future post.

• Single Mom
  Odds increase by: 50% for the first kid (85% if a Downs Syndrome kid), 20% for each additional kid

A hot chick’s kid will give you the second biggest bang for your buck (see below for the biggest hot pussy discount). Since it is ingrained in men to avoid investing their precious resources into the raising of another man’s spawn, especially if that other man was some badboy who stretched out her vagina and left a stargate for you to have frictionless sex, a woman who is raising a kid on her own due to poor judgment, getting dumped, or divorce (75% chance it was initiated by her) will be the most congenial date you will ever experience. There will be zero shit testing and she will have nothing but smiles for you. Her hand will be on your thigh within five minutes of meeting, and she will pay for your drink out of courtesy for the time taken from your busy schedule to meet her. A single mom who has the night free because her kids are at grandma’s is good to go before the first drinks arrive. They often have condoms in their purses, glove compartments, medicine cabinets, nightstands, and in a secret compartment behind that portrait of great-aunt Gertrude. You should definitely wear your own bulletproof condom with a single mom because you know you are dealing with a fertile woman and one who will be tempted to entrap you old school style. Flush the used condom immediately after you are done. They are that desperate.

Note: Avoid tripping over toys and landing on your erection.

• Physical Deformity
  Odds increase by: 20 – 150%, depending on severity of disfigurement

This is by far the most advantageous flaw a hot chick can possess. A perfect 10 with a physical deformity, even something trivial like a missing pinky toe, will devalue her own beauty. The worse the deformity, the lower her self-esteem will drop and the higher her character will rise. A 10 with a missing boob will think and act like a 7. Missing an entire leg? She’ll be a de facto 4. Hermaphrodite? Her secret shame will put her on the level of a morbidly obese smelly hausfrau. Naturally, you’ll want to focus on those disfigured women whose abnormalities don’t detract from their pretty faces or sexy bodies. The girl with the missing arm from this post qualifies. A girl with a moustache or steatopygia would not.

Note: Personality deformities have NO EFFECT on a hot chick’s self-appraisal. In fact, a seriously flawed personality may actually boost her ego, as she will continue to get attention from men no matter how poorly she behaves, and will assume it means, using chick logic, that her shitty attitude is what keeps them coming back for more.

• Former Fatty
  Odds increase by: 10 – 70%, depending on length and heft of fat phase

Yet another goldmine for the beta who wants to taste the forbidden fruit of exceptional pussy. A former fatty, by dint of her painful past dealing with the cold stares of indifference and sneers of cruelty, will be grounded and grateful for male attention. A former fatty’s mindset is still that of the fat girl she left behind – the mind changes slower than the body. The time to strike is when her memories are strong and her reconstructed body is tight. The fatter a former fatty was, the more appreciative she will be of your romantic interest. A 300 pound whale who slims down to a svelte 120 pounds will attack you sexually with the zeal of a released inmate let loose in a brothel after 20 years in the hole.

Caution: The longer a former fatty is skinny, the more her soul will twist into the corrupted spectre of a self-absorbed egomaniac princess. You’ll want to catch her before her horrible memories fade (think “Silence of the Heifers”), she swaps loyal down to earth friends for superficial hottie friends, and hundreds of betas throw themselves at her feet.

• Recent Divorcee
  Odds increase by: 20% if she filed for divorce, 40% if her ex filed for divorce

A recent divorcee wants to feel attractive again. She probably hasn’t had sex with her husband in years and relishes the prospect of intimacy with fresh cock. A divorcee is different than a rebound. Most hot girls on the rebound will keep their standards. A hot divorcee will lower them; she has been insulated and out of the dating scene so long that your fawning beta attention will be attractive to her. Double plus leg-spreading points if her husband left her in the middle of the night for a stripper half her age. She will crave your sexual desire. Expect to feel like the woman on any date with her.

• Foreigner
  Odds increase by: 60% if she is from a patriarchal culture (Russia), 30% if she is from a feminized culture (Sweden), 80% if she is from a dirt poor patriarchal culture and she’s trying to get a green card

The theory of hybrid vigor and the “expert from afar” psychological phenomenon makes hot foreign pussy very attainable for the average American beta male. Even interstate travel can increase the odds of a beta scoring pussy normally out of his reach, thanks to the automatic deference that girls give to strange men from faraway lands. (Hotel bar + traveling salesman = fling.) You will do very well with an East European green card whore who has little sexual experience with foreign men. The fact that East European women are significantly more beautiful than American women is just icing on the cake. With the right motivation and travel itinerary you could conceivably pull your first 10.

Note: Due to the hypergamous trajectory of feminized Western cultures where the hot women are accustomed to sharing the top 20% of men and the leftover betas are sniveling papoose-wearing spineless turds, your exotic foreign aura won’t be as effective at landing that bombshell Swede without supplemental alpha traits.

Conclusion

Beta, desperate, and settling is no way to go through life, son. You don’t need to fantasize what sex with a really hot girl feels like, anymore. By zeroing in on girls with any combination of the above characteristics, you can greatly improve your odds of banging quality pussy.

There aren’t many guarantees in life, but if you find a hot 29 year old, single Russian mom with four Downs Syndrome kids, a superfluous clitoris and a missing engagement ring finger, who used to weight 450 pounds, and whose husband divorced her yesterday before her citizenship was approved, sit back and relax, betaboy. Your job is done.

Happy hunting!

Why Whiter People Love Public Transit But Hate The Bus

Knife-wielding man beheads fellow passenger on bus.
 

A passenger traveling on a bus across Canada’s vast Western plains stabbed, gutted and decapitated a man seated next to him in an unexplained attack, a witness told media Thursday.

The victim had been sleeping before he was repeatedly stabbed in the chest by a man with a large knife, witness Garnet Caton told public broadcaster CBC.

The other 35 passengers and driver were jolted by “blood-curdling screams” and fled. “He must have stabbed him 50 times or 60 times,” said Caton.

When Caton and two others returned to check on the victim, he said they saw the attacker “cutting the guy’s head off and gutting him.”

“While we were watching … he calmly walked up to the front (of the bus) with the head in his hand and the knife and just calmly stared at us and dropped the head right in front of us.”

It isn’t bad enough that status-striving whiter people who routinely sing the praises of mass transit but make the mistake of following their self-congratulatory morality to riding the bus have to deal with snoring, stinky, pus-dripping, hacking, nose-picking, nail-biting, farting, leering, grunting, grossly obese degenerates. Now they’ve got to add knife-wielding homicidal beheaders to their list of unsavory characters who ride the bus.

What’s a holier-than-thou dillweed to do? Buy a Prius!

Or price out the degenerates and take the $200 roundtrip Amtrak.

On a related note, isn’t it great how the DC cabbies got around the meter system by charging a $4 base fare as soon as you get in the cab? That’s $1.50 more than New York’s taxi base fare, where the cost to operate a cab is a lot higher. End result: You’re paying about the same as you did under the zone system for short distance travel within DC. Sneaky fuckers.

July 2008 Comment Winner Alert

As it stands right now, Gannon is leading the vote tally for July 2008 Comment Winner. This will be the third straight win for him. If you don’t want to see him walk away with the trifecta I’d suggest you people step it up. You’ve got two days left.

Hint: Brevity is the soul of wit. (I’m looking at you sara/sam).