Flobots

Great music, idiotic lyrics.

Way to ruin the listening experience, Flobots. You suck.

Still Playing Games

I had a date with a 29 year old.

Remember that number:  29.

She texted me 15 minutes before the date to say she’ll be late, so I arrived even later than my usual 10 minutes late. When I walked in the bar, she was making an obvious show of enjoying the flirtatious attentions of two men sitting on either side of her. When we sat down at an outdoor table she told me how this seating arrangement would “discourage me from putting my hands all over her”. She claimed she couldn’t recall where we first met or what I said to her. She said she only dated men who paid for dates. She told me she gets bored easily*. The first question out of her mouth was “Are you a player?”. Shit test after shit test after shit test. Shit infinitum.

So I did the only thing a normal, reasonably well-adjusted man with a sense of personal dignity would do — I amped up my game to 11 and showed her the time of her life. I told her great stories that made her laugh, I touched her to get her comfortable with what would happen later, I pushed her away gently when she tried to give me a hard time, I qualified, I backturned, I cut short her boring conversations, I tapped into her emotions, I bounced her to new venues, I future projected, I ran the Love Test* (poon patented), the Cube, and Marry Fuck Kill. I read her palm. We psychoanalyzed other couples together. I explained the significance of her digit ratio. I danced with her on the street.

I drew her into my world and out of hers.

I took her home and culminated the night with hours of torrid, sweaty, passionate, body-shaking pornstar fucking lovemaking…

…and then I deleted her number.

I don’t care how hot you are, if you think you can get away with playing the same flaky, retarded, annoying female head games at 29 that you played at 22 you are sadly mistaken. Life is too short for your delusions of grandeur. Find a needy beta who will lap up your runny shit.

Last night was fun.

*Anytime an American girl tells you she “gets bored easily” you should immediately scratch her off your potential girlfriend list. I am saving you a lot of headaches with this advice.

Handholding Daytime Dates

Daytime dates are risky. Besides the sex-killing sobriety, a girl can learn a lot more about you when the sun is up and you’re outside strolling around for hours revealing more of yourself than you would be inclined to at night in a dimly-lit lounge with music to distract her.

An actual Bhutanese man so secure in the size of his member he wears a skirt with legs open:

Dark Corners + Alcohol + Music + Flattering Lighting  + Hidden Groping = Air of Mystery = Sexual Tension = High Chance of Sex.

Bright Sunshine + Outdoors + Downtown Folk Festival + Bhutanese Men in Skirts + Minimal Erogenous Zone Contact = Mystery Revealed = Sexual Tension Relieved = Low Chance of Sex.

Daytime dates are great if you’ve already banged the girl and you want to steer her in the direction of steady girlfriend. Deeper bonds are formed when you’re both sober and can hear each other speak. Plus the daytime allows you to make a more critical assessment of her facial appearance, which matters if you plan to show her to your friends or accidentally ejaculate inside of her.

If you can hold a four hour conversation without it going stale, and still maintain an intriguing demeanor, then by all means take your date out during the day. Just don’t expect it to lead to your bedroom. Best you can do is a cuddle on a park bench and some closed-mouth, publicly-acceptable kissing.

An expert level frumpy white lady listens with rapt attention, bobbing her head up and down, to a Bhutanese man with a woman’s voice sing traditional songs:

Here are whiter people enjoying a traditional Bhutanese dance and lording their enlightened status over the wrong kind of white people (who happened to be in the Texas-themed tent 20 yards away):

FYI: If a girl holds your hand on a daytime date before you’ve sexed her, she sees you as marriage material.

Most girls think that handholding is more intimate than kissing. Many even believe that handholding should not happen until after sex. Girls somehow think palms touching is a bigger deal than genitals slapping.

Are girls in Kansas this way? I doubt it.

Boyfriend Destroyer?

What do you do if you’re being used… and you know it?

An awkward scenario in which to find yourself embroiled is to be dating a girl you like, who also likes you and has made that known, but who is deep into a multi-year relationship with another guy that she has told you about, and which is currently on shaky ground for reasons she’s given that you’re not sure you believe entirely except for the hard evidence of her sleeping with you.

As guys, we should always strive for two in the kitty. It’s best to keep the embers burning with at least two women so you can swing straight into new pussy when one goes stale. A grinding dry spell will put you in a horrible state of mind for meeting women. Girls can sniff a lonely, unattended penis from 12 parsecs, and it’s not attractive to them. Where men get turned off by another man’s seed contaminating the vagina he would like to fuck, women get turned ON when another woman’s pussy juice, especially a hotter woman, is greasing the pole of the man she likes.

(Of course, women will say otherwise. Don’t bother paying attention. They are kidding themselves.)

The reverse scenario, the one I mentioned above, doesn’t happen for the same reason. Women aren’t afraid of a lengthy bout of celibacy like men are if their relationship should end. They don’t swing from dick branch to dick branch because they can’t go two days without sex. When women allow a second man into their lives for longer than a one-off fuck it’s usually for one of two reasons:

1. To test the mettle of their primary relationship.
2. To seek an excuse to leave their primary relationship.

If you are the “other guy” banging a girl who already has a serious boyfriend, it’s important that you try to determine as best you can which reason applies to her. Knowing where you stand won’t make much difference in how you should act, but it will help you decide whether to exit or dig in your heels. As VK said, the dick sandwich is no fun place to be, but at least knowing about it frees you to remove all investment and relentlessly hit on new girls.

If it’s reason #1, then you are dealing with a girl who still loves her boyfriend, but has doubts. She has either been hurt by him or he spends a lot of time away from her on travel. Her faith in a future with him is not as certain as it once was. She sees you as a litmus test — “Can I survive this charming new guy’s interest in me and still feel love for my fading boyfriend?”

Unless you don’t care about the girl as anything more than a short fling, you don’t want to be put in the position of a litmus test. She is using you. You are a tool. If you know this, then you won’t be surprised when she suddenly stops speaking to you. And you won’t feel guilty about not spending one red cent on her for any dates. Prepare to walk away from her at a moment’s notice.

If it’s reason #2, then she sees you as a real alternative to her main boyfriend whom she no longer loves. If you like her and want more than a sexual tryst, then you have a shot to usurp the boyfriend. Run your game like you would if she were completely single. The worst thing you could do is try to push a conclusion; that will send her flying back into the boyfriend’s arms. Play it cool. If she likes you more than him, she’ll eventually dump him and find her way to you.

There is no guaranteed way to determine which reason is valid. It’s an inexact science of subtle body language and subcommunication. Girls lie as a matter of habit. You could take a high risk gamble and ask her point blank if she loves her boyfriend. If she hesitates or answers “That’s a weird question” then she doesn’t love him. Proceed apace. If she says yes and looks wistfully into the distance, then she probably still loves him. Get your dick wet a couple times with her and take pics for future masturbatory delight.

The big downside to dating a taken girl is the threat of an irate boyfriend coming after you. A girl who wants to push her boyfriend to the edge in order to gauge his commitment to her, or wants to rub salt in his wounds before leaving him, will — *oops!* — casually mention your existence to him. You’d be amazed how many smart, supposedly normal girls, are prone to this sort of “let’s you and him fight” primitive mentality.

Tragedy Vs Statistic

Kazakh beauty jumps to death in financial district.

Ruslana Korshunova, 20, whose face has graced the cover of French Elle and Russian Vogue, apparently jumped from her ninth-floor apartment in her Water Street building in the Financial District just before 2:30 p.m.

Lots of fat shits dying prematurely.

Conclusions:  The estimated number of annual deaths attributable to obesity among US adults is approximately 280,000 based on HRs from all subjects and 325,000 based on HRs from only nonsmokers and never-smokers.

Flimsy Excuses I Use To Get Girls Back To My Place

Here are some of the transparent excuses I tell a girl at the end of the night to get her back to Le Chateau for a little of the ol’ flogging, branding, and penis-whipping:

“Hey, I just got my black and white photographs framed. Unlike so many people, I know you’re able to appreciate art, so let’s take a look and tell me what you think.”

“I’m thirsty. How about you? Let’s go back to my place and have a glass of delicious DC tapwater.”

“I also play a real guitar. I’ve been working on a new song of mine. I could use an unbiased third party opinion. Playing for my Mom isn’t cutting it anymore. Come over and have a listen.”

“You’ve gotta check out the view from my balcony.”

“Let’s swing by my place for a couple of girly drinks then head back out to play some Wii.”

“I collect old jazz recordings [editor’s note: I have a few jazz CDs given to me by exes]. We’ll go back and listen to them properly, with a glass of red wine.”

“Have you ever seen a houseplant with one leaf? I’ll bring you back to my place to look, but no touching. It’s very delicate.”

***

If I sense she is hesitating, I usually punctuate each flimsy excuse with something like, “But we can only stay for a bit, I have to get up early. So try to keep your hands to yourself.” That never fails except on the high self-esteem girls who want you for a boyfriend and are fighting to control the pace of the dating.

Will she see through these obvious ploys? Of course she will. But that’s not the point. She doesn’t need your reason to be airtight, she just wants you to know what you’re doing. That means, make statements, and don’t ask. Saying “Would you like to come back to my place?” is a mood killer. She doesn’t want to have to make that decision. She wants to follow your lead.

It also means not making her feel like a slut. So no matter how absurd your excuse to get her into your lair it’s still better than saying “Let’s go back to my place and fuck.” She just needs plausible deniability, however gossamer thin, to rationalize that her decision to go home with you was not the action of a loose harlot.

Don’t be a noodle-dick and depend on women to make the first move. You must have these excuses ready for every date you go on. In my experience, no quality girl worth having for the long term will offer to go back with you to either her place or yours. That’s akin to offering sex. Only high testosterone whores and cougars do this. Remember, if she’s offered to you, she’s offered to 20 other guys she met in a bar. Wear a condom coated with Doxycycline.

Some very brave and horny girls who want to preserve at least a shadow of their feminine mystique will hint at going back with you by mentioning their cute schnauzer puppy or their roommate’s erotic figurine collection. In these instances, you should recognize what she really wants and immediately take the reins by suggesting that you’d love to walk her home and pet her schnauzer.

Girlfriend Or Fling?

Unlike the last edition of girlfriend or fling?, this one is at a lower difficulty level. Ignore their Sex And The City impersonation and focus on the interplay and body language of these grown women girls.

The woman on the right is obvious girlfriend material. Let’s count the ways she would make a faithful and low drama girlfriend — restrained lips-closed smile, modest dress (skirt is short but that is balanced by the lack of any cleavage), minimal makeup and accessorizing (is that a necklace or a wisp of hair?), arms close in to body, zero sexual availability displays like jutting breasts or arched lower back. This woman looks like she was born to walk down the aisle. She may in fact already be married.

The middle girl is a total fling. Not just any fling, but a wild, crazy, torrid, self-destructive, public sex, screw the condoms and press the record button kind of fling. Sure, her dress is a toga easily ripped off in one move, her eyes are in bedroom mode long before she gets to the bedroom, and her mouth is open in the shape of a cock, but what really clinches her status is the scarf around her neck waiting to be grabbed and pulled for pleasurable choking effect. She is clearly ovulating and needs the hard fucking of a dominant alpha male. She’s so horny she’s backing her ass up into her friend’s imaginary strap-on.

Strap-on girl on the left is a potential girlfriend (notice she has camera responsibility), but judging by her wicked smile showing both rows of teeth and her visible black bra under her blouse she will need to be broken and tamed like a bucking bronco before she can be considered a quality girlfriend. She looks like she has eaten men alive and left a trail of broken hearts and scrotums behind her. I sense manipulative bitch. This is just the type of woman who leads with her ego and shit tests for sport. She is practically begging for a worthy man like myself to jizz in the face of her reality and reduce her to a softly whimpering submissive love slave ready to drop to her knees at the snap of my fingers.

Once broken, enjoy her utter devotion. She will build a shrine to your cock.

*snap*.