Dancing Herb Friday

I fulfilled my white person obligation and went to an 80s night. 80s music is catchy and danceable; it practically coaxes the rhythm out of you. The girls were mostly mid 20s to mid 30s and were very approachable. When women reach a certain age they stop sitting in a tight circle with their backs to the crowd like they did when they were younger, and instead sit facing the outside world with open body language that screams “I’m here! Gimme some flirting!” Luckily, the lights were dim, effectively blurring wrinkles and bad skin tone, so flirting with them didn’t feel like a chore. Fantasies are easier to sustain in low light. Remember, these girls were coming of age when Pioneer car stereos were like the iPhones of today.

80s nights in DC don’t seem to appeal to yuppie credentialist status snobs like lawyers so you’ll find a lot of down-to-earth teachers and saleswomen at these parties which is fine by me. As the night wore on and people got drunk they creatively devised ways to grind ass to crotch to the unsuitable 80s beats. I highly recommend 80s nights for younger guys with dance skills looking for an easy score with horny cougar wannabes. After all, they’re not going to these cheesy parties to meet their future husbands. Another plus: The male competition was mostly useless herbs with no game. Their masculine presence was so weak they may as well have been bowls of Jell-O.

Zeets the Throwback Barbarian added the song “Saved By Zero” by the Fixx to the DJ’s playlist. It was never played. No wonder. That’s exactly the kind of 80s song a retro-loving guy would appreciate but not a girl.

My Advice To Women

It’s pretty clear what women want — a man with means, good genes, romantic swings, and daddy dreams.* When she finds him she’ll want marriage, home, and kids in a nice neighborhood. That is a woman’s formula for happiness in life. Since I am a giver and a humanitarian I offer the following advice to women to help them achieve happiness.

Don’t move to the big city

After college women move into the big cities on the coasts to find an alpha male husband because that is where the high status men concentrate. We have studies proving this. There are two problems with this strategy. One, there aren’t enough alpha males to marry all the women who want them. If you put all the alphas into a small bar there would be a rock concert sized throng of women outside bribing the doorman to let them in. The numbers just don’t add up. But since women will cling to their dream of snagging one of these guys many flush away their best years fucking around fruitlessly in the dating market and wind up alone at the cusp of hitting the wall.

Two, what few alphas there are won’t demand anything less than the hottest chicks they can afford. Since most women really aren’t that pretty they have no chance of getting an alpha male to commit, so they suffer the ignominy and emotional grind of getting pumped and dumped by men who play the pussy carousel.

My advice: If you are in the 85% of single women who aren’t an 8 or above don’t bother moving to the city. Stay in your small town and meet a man there. Trust me, I am saving you a lot of heartache and wasted years with this valuable advice. For the rest of you who are genuinely hot, moving to the city makes sense; your odds of marrying a Mr. Big there are better than average.

Don’t get a grad school degree

The more education women get, the more money they earn, and the higher their status rises. Because women “date up”, this has the unfortunate effect of shrinking their dating pool. The higher they climb the status ladder, the fewer men they will find above them suitable for marriage. Result: Women with advanced degrees have fewer children and stay single longer. Eventually, this trend will reverse as educated women contribute less of their genes to future generations, but my advice is for women who want happiness now.

If you are a smart girl it’s better to satisfy your intellectual cravings by reading books on your leisure time instead of getting your smarts credentialed by a university, like the way high class girls used to do in the past. Women who worry that without higher education they will be left financially strapped in a cold world should consider that men are more likely to provide for them if they feel their resources and support are needed. The male protector and provider instinct is a strong one when it is manipulated by a weaker woman.

Caveat: If you are an ugly woman, go to grad school. You’ll need the better job prospects.

Invest in cosmetic repair

Since we’re talking about how to maximize women’s happiness based on the formula Alpha Husband + Children + Home = Happy, the most efficient and effective way to achieve this is through surgical beauty enhancement. It makes more sense for a woman who ranks lower than a 7 to spend her money on cosmetic surgery that will immediately earn her the sexual attention of thousands more men than what she was used to, than to spend her money on shoes, clothes, and European vacations which do nothing to help her land a quality husband.

If you think this is superficial, it is. I have nothing to say to you except get your head out of the clouds.

Don’t run marathons

Marathon running must violate the first law of thermodynamics, because every woman I’ve met who has said she is training for a marathon was chubby. All that running around aimlessly for miles must put on weight. Note: Does not apply to women training for a triathlon. These women are universally fit and slender.

Don’t watch TV

TV has done more to bloat women’s expectations than anything else in American culture. In real life, Carrie Bradshaw is horsefaced and does not land a millionaire. Samantha is over the hill and infertile from being riddled with STDs. The bachelor on The Bachelor: London Calling fucks all 25 women and leaves them for an 18 year old stripper in Vegas. You’ll never find happiness if you think reality is a sassy TV show.

***

If I’ve made even one woman happier after reading this and following my advice, I’ll feel like I’ve saved a life. Sometimes I’m so generous with my heart it makes me weep with pride.

Bonus: My advice to men

You deserve a 10!

*It took me three hours to craft that poetry.

High Energy Dates

There are two different dating strategies to follow depending on your relationship goals.

Short term fling

Don’t bother putting much imaginative effort into your dates. When you are doubtful of the girl you are dating as relationship material you’re better off minimizing your courtship investment. A “girl you date” as opposed to a “girl you see” won’t need the kind of strong emotional foundation that a more serious prospect would require. Stick to bars and lounges and idle chit chat over middle shelf cocktails. A girl can be massaged from “hello” to “fuck me harder!” without all the rigamarole of complicated dates meant to impress. Basic game will get you there so skip the fancy embroidery and concentrate on the fundamentals.

Long term girlfriend

If you feel extra special about the girl you’re dating and can envision spending time with her in addition to sex and dates that are mere props for sex then you will need to build a reinforced emotional structure. Short term flings are great but if you like the girl a lot you have to deal with the uncertainty of her pulling a 180 on you during the first couple months of dating. Potential heartbreak and wasted investment can be avoided by building a stronger bond earlier in the dating cycle. The way to do this is to get creative with your date ideas and really show her an interesting time. Take her to exciting places or events. Go on a hike. See a band. Do something out of the ordinary like indoor rock climbing or horseback riding. The more action-oriented and energetic your dates, the more things you will have to talk about on each successive date. The unpredictable stimulus of these kinds of dates serves to bond her more closely to you. As a result of sharing so many high octane experiences over the course of a few dates, a similar psychological phenomenon to time compression imbues her with the feeling that she has shared so much more with you than she actually has. The intense buildup of experiences gives you something to talk about besides situational observations and astrology. This is the way to win yourself solid girlfriends.

For example, here is a date progression I followed for a girl I liked as more than a notch:

1st date: Drinks at a Latin lounge/Salsa class ==> 2nd Date: Hilarious but disturbing show at indie club ==> 3rd Date: Chill drinks at my place and heavy makeout ==> 4th Date: Go-Kart racing at an indoor track ==> 5th Date: Sex ==> 6th Date: Hike in the woods.

This sequence gave us a head of steam that sustained an ultimately doomed relationship for months longer than it would have otherwise lasted. I’m certain my creativity over those first crucial dates left her with powerful memories that she uses to endure sex with whatever guy she is currently dating.

Visualizing Beta

A reader sent me a link to the photo above. You can read more here. His mug says “2 hot 4 you?”.

The beta on display here is so over the top that I want to believe it is calculated. Sadly, I suspect this nerd, like most nerds, really is that uncomfortable touching women. If he were making a six figure salary in the IT industry I doubt that would be enough to end his celibacy. There are some fundamental aspects of attractive masculinity that, if missing, money can’t compensate until you get up in the extreme wealth range. Or lower your standards to the basement (see girl on right — the one he doesn’t have his awkwardly crooked arm around).

Learning game through books, manuals, and workshops gets a bad rap by naturals who think it’s an unteachable skill and by women who recoil at the idea that something so sublime as romance and sexual attraction can be learned like any other subject. But the guy in this picture would benefit from a learning approach that played to his strengths — i.e., a systematic backwardly-engineered flow charted algorithm of how to be a more alluring man to women. Like Mystery Method. Or any of the other pickup schools. Due to genetic constraints on behavior he may never get as good as a natural, but he’ll get good enough to know how to relax when touching a woman, and, if he’s dedicated to improving himself, may actually score with a decent-looking girl. Nothing will blow a nerd’s mind like showing him there’s a whole other world of sensual pleasure out there.

In the big picture, it’s too bad women find nerds creepy and unattractive, because we need nerds more than ever to run the modern technology-based society. If they are bred out of existence it will be everyone’s loss. Imagine a world with no internet porn.

On the other hand, if nerds started getting laid on the regular they might enjoy it so much that they give up spending their waking hours programming software or designing bridges. I wouldn’t blame them.

Cat On A Leash

UPDATE

A reader sent in this photo of a cat in a stroller that is whisked around town by its owners:

I thought the end of America would be a long, slow decline over generations, but now I think it might happen in a matter of years.

My man about town, Dodgeball Dan, called from an undisclosed location to inform me that there was a young-ish couple walking a cat on a leash. He was so repulsed and simultaneously fascinated that he had to tell me as the action was going down.

DD: Dude, there’s a couple walking a cat on a leash. I can’t believe what I’m seeing.

Me: Is the guy a herb*?

DD: Oh yeah, total herb. And of course his girlfriend is cute. [To the couple] Hey, does he fetch?

Herb: Only indoors.

DD: He looks a little confused.

Herb: It’s his first time outside.

DD: [Back to me] Wow. Oh man. The herb just picked the cat up like a baby, cradled it, and carried it off. These are the end times for America.

Between this:

and this:

these are indeed the end times for America. It’s not so much the decadence that’s doing us in, it’s the silliness. (Open borders, cats on leashes… it all flows from the same juvenile mindset.)

*herb, noun – a schlumpy, nondescript white guy with no fashion sense, chin, or sexual gravitas, who has managed to hook up with a cute chick. Herbs usually wear satchels to nightclubs and button down collar shirts with the Hanes undershirt peaking through at the neck. They love anything khaki and are not embarrassed to be seen wearing fanny packs or sandals. A super herb takes it up a notch with white athletic socks and an extra-large t-shirt to hide his man boobs. They have a walk that can be best described as looking like they are carrying a load in their pants. They will annoy you just by being there. The fact that a herb will have usually managed to score a cute yuppie chick will fill you with violent feelings toward him.

March 2008 Comment Winner

From famed commenter Gannon, on my post Seven New Deadly Sins Quiz:

…my interest in prepubescent girls (and boys) is zero. Just like me, I prefer them with apple sized breasts, round asses, a nice bush of pubic hair and bleeding. Problem for you my friend is that girls 14 and above all have these features.

I agree with this comment. It is a fact of life that young teenage girls who have developed secondary sexual characteristics are desired by men of all ages, even 90 year olds. And these exquisite nymphets, in turn, desire older men for their power. These desires are natural, and frightening to the keepers of the order. They provoke the envy of the left behind, and so are condemned.

Would it shock to know that real love, genuine and sincere love, can spring forth from a relationship where lust is the motivator? To wit: Monica Lewinsky loved Bill Clinton, that is true. Look at the way she gazed at him with adoring eyes. But do you want to know something? I think it is likely he loved her in return. Moreso than he loved Hillary at any rate. It went beyond a one night fling. Theirs was a romance.

A man would throw everything away for two minutes with that ass wobble.

Going Sexual

It’s a good idea to bring sex talk into the conversation with a girl sooner rather than later. Prying her brain wave patterns with thoughts of sexual scenarios while her attention is directed to you will anchor those pleasurable feelings to your presence. She will perceive you as a sexual man with a masculine crotch-centered aura.

Timing is important. If you’re too quick to go raunchy she’ll peg you as a creepy perv or overly eager to get in her pants.

Her: What do you think of the music in this place?

You: It’s not bad music to make sweet sweet love to.

Her: Um… ew?

That’s why you should never take a girl’s bait when she brings up sexual topics first. In actuality, she’s trying to smoke you out as a needy beta. Always tease a girl for talking about sex before the moment is right for it (i.e., before you and her have entered the lower-energy rapport stage when it is acceptable to engage in more intimate talk).

Her: I love it when a guy zorbits my boobs during sex!

You: Hey, thanks for the medical report!

At the opposite extreme, waiting too long to inject innuendo and playful sexual overtones into the conversation can cause a girl to wonder if you have eunuch issues. Men who aren’t comfortable bantering in a sexual way are often seen as asexual and timid lovers. When you finally do broach a sexual topic way too late in the interaction it will come across as desperately cloying and incongruent, similar to waiting until the end of a date to kiss a girl. As with physical touching, you’re better off slowly getting her accustomed to seeing you as a man who does not shrink from his manly desires.

Sexual talk usually arises organically from good vibing. A man and woman attracted to each other and left to their own devices will eventually drift into double entendre. There shouldn’t be a struggle to find a convenient excuse to share sexual thoughts. But in case there is, you could always take her to a venue that has props to help move the conversation in a sexual direction.