Beautiful Women Past To Present

A reader sent me a link to this eye-popping morphing video montage of the beautiful faces of Hollywood leading ladies over the years. There is a vague, eerie similarity among all the faces.

Beautiful women aren’t clones of each other but neither do they deviate too far from the primary beauty script. For instance, no one would mistake Nicole Kidman for Halle Berry but they both share those essential features that capture men’s hearts — large eyes, prominent cheekbones, small chins and noses, facial symmetry, succulent lips, and clear smooth skin.

Note the zero difference hair styles make to the women’s beauty.

Who’s your favorite? Mine’s a toss-up between Audrey Hepburn and Vivian Leigh. I’m curious if there is a pattern in what my female and male readers choose as their favorites.

(Jodie Foster is proof that there is something identifiably strange going on with lesbians’ upper row of teeth.)

PS: Does anyone know what classical tune is playing in the video? It seems like the perfectly suited soundtrack for self-pleasuring to admiring beautiful female faces.

Marion Cotillard

you have stolen my heart.

on your knees, my love…

February 2008 Comment Winner

From “albatros”, in response to my post on dating foreign girls:

just to tell you that russian women are cold and i have a lot of them,but ukrainian are crazy in bed.if you please really well them they will follow you like tha cat follows a good susage.russian girls pretend to be classy but they also love susage ,dont expect them to have everyday sex with you but when they have it the explose,Now with these ukrainian and russian u have to be careful couse if u gicve her only dick she will find somebody on the side just for money.I live allover to europe and i would say eastern european wonem just want to get the hell out of the sountry.In ukraine and russia the proportion of men and women is very low u have 10 women ro a man.After 1 and 2 world war also with all those stalin and nazi killings there were more than 40 milion men killed and also in russia and ukraina and alloverexsoviet union there are more girls borned everyday then men.Soi russian and ukrainian and all eastern european girls dont feel special there too much competition between women just for a man.So they wanna come to America when they can be queens when most of women here are fat and no classy( american women) a girl from eastern europe an average one in eastern europe would be the queen here.Also men are really macho there and drink so dont get tricked and twisted my friends couse a lot of people brought them here and next thing u know she is gonne with the richie.
***

I agree with albatros. Ukrainian woman are indeed crazy in bed and if you service them properly will follow you like a cat follows a good sausage. The rest of his observations are very accurate.

Game For Girls

Looks – 95%

We’ll get the obvious out of the way first. If you are ugly, blame your ugly parents for selfishly conceiving you. Makeup will add one point MAX, and eventually has to come off. What’s left for a woman to improve her dating market value isn’t much but in the bitch eat bitch world of the modern American manhunt even the smallest improvements count.

Femininity – 3%

You could also call this demure sweetness, or coyness, or emotionalism, or maternalism, or selflessness, or vulnerability. Whatever word you give it, men are drawn to it. There’s a reason it’s the girl putting her head on the man’s chest after sex, and not the other way around. Lawyers start off with negative points in this category, just below professional softball players.

Kinkiness – 1.5%

Sexual voracity won’t win a man (because he has to want to have sex with you first) but it will help keep him around for the long haul. A cute girl who loves anal has a better chance of converting her boyfriend to a husband than an equally cute girl who thinks the anus is a portal to Satan’s inner sanctum.

Sincerity – 0.3%

Don’t play games. For instance, take the one simple step of answering our calls promptly and you have leapfrogged to the front of the line.

Plastic Surgery – 0.1%

Don’t let its popularity fool you. Plastic surgery still has a long way to go before it can make women younger and hotter without turning them into grotesque cat-like aliens. (A cat lady’s dream?) This includes boob jobs. I’ve yet to see a breast augmentation that didn’t look (or feel) like a scoop of damp cement on top of a chest cavity. The only cosmetic surgery procedures that actually make the woman look better are nose jobs and botox for very small wrinkles in the forehead and around the eyes. Gastric bypasses are effective too, as long as she’s never seen naked.

Childlessness – 0.1%

Nothing keeps a woman’s body in prime groping shape for longer than abstaining from childbirth. Plus, kids are a total buzzkill. Is there anything worse than tripping over a toy and hitting the floor with a full erection? Bonus: Vaginal resilience!

The Rest – <0.1%

You know all those things girls think help them attract guys? They don’t. Fashion, shoes, hair styles, degrees, career, smarts, sassiness, dance moves, cultural sophistication, creativity, humor, encyclopedic knowledge of celebrity gossip, travel experiences, how well they “work what they got”, connections, alcohol tolerance, big breasts on a fat woman, scenester credentials, musical taste, personal philosophy, charity work, hobbies — don’t bother putting more than a token effort into these life improvements unless you are a lesbian. Men hardly care except to impress you with their listening ability.

Hovering

One of the most socially inept mistakes I see guys doing is the Rejection Hover. (The Hesitation Hover is almost as bad but at least in that scenario the guy can pretend he’s just waiting around for a friend to arrive.) It usually happens like this: Guy walks up to a girl who is alone or with a group of friends, runs his pitch, fails to capture her interest, gets the cold shoulder… and inexplicably decides to hover — like a hungry but stupid bee trying to find the entrance to a complicated flower — in their immediate vicinity even though they have turned their backs to him.

Instead of walking away with his pride intact he opts to loiter along the group’s perimeter, losing status points by the second. It is painful to watch. Nothing telegraphs ‘NEEDY LOSER’ faster than standing uncomfortably with a befuddled and forlorn look on your face peering over the shoulders of people who have concluded you suck.

Why do men do this? (And I’ve caught myself hovering a few times from lapses in judgement.) Odds are most men are just too lazy to move the fuck away to another spot in the venue or aren’t aware how badly hovering carries the stink of beta. You can’t fix what you don’t know is wrong. The other reason may be that he really believes the girl will warm up to him if he physically imposes himself in her peripheral vision. Maybe he wishes that she’ll give a second look at his tough grimace, chiseled triceps, or cool hand-in-jeans-pocket stance and reconsider his mate value. This is projection. Because guys are looks-focused, we think girls are equally looks-focused. But that is a failure of imagination. Once a girl has decided she doesn’t like your personality she loses all interest in your looks or how suavely you can hook your thumb through your belt loop.

This is why it is critically important to refrain from orbiting a set that has snubbed your efforts to engage them, if for no other reason than to avoid looking like a feeble choad.

There are alternatives to hovering that will have you come out looking less beta. You could re-enter the set one more time, gums blazing, and try to sell yourself with a new pitch. You could eject confidently and find another target, preferably one that hasn’t seen you just get blown out. You could casually turn and chat with an adjacent group of people as if your target’s rejection was completely inconsequential to your state of mind. You could call over your wingman to occupy your awkward social isolation. You could walk ten feet away.

Exception: If a girl or group of girls approaches you, it’s acceptable to stay put if your opener receives a chilly reception. In this instance, it would be the group that is hovering, not you.

How Soon?

For the men:

How soon after meeting your girlfriend is it OK to fart in front of her?

a. third date
b. two weeks
c. one month
d. one year

How soon after meeting your 20 year old, ballet dancer, former Urban Outfitters model girlfriend is it OK to fart in front of her?

a. one month
b. six months
c. 2 years
d. never. hold your farts in until you die of an intestinal embolism.

How soon after meeting your Rubenesque girlfriend is it OK to fart in front of her?

a. first date
b. five minutes
c. 30 seconds
d. every time she starts to talk, eat, bend over, or undress.

For the ladies:

How soon after meeting your boyfriend is it OK to wear oversized knee-length t-shirts to bed?

a. never
b. never
c. never
d. all the time if you’re featured on FUPA Hunter.

Sex Talk

Sex talk ranks up there with full body massages, cunnilingus, and 5,000 thread count bed sheets as an aphrodisiac for women. If you have a woman already into you through your game and personal attributes, the deft deployment of sex talk will boost her attraction for you into the stratosphere. A nimble tongue is like mental lube to a woman, opening her up for the physical act to follow. Properly delivered lines of descriptive eroticism whispered into her ear can turn her into a torrid gushing avalanche of desire.

The degree of difference between what wordplay stimulation will do to a woman’s sexual arousal and a man’s couldn’t be more stark. While men enjoy a marginal increase in pleasure listening to a woman moan and talk dirty during sex, women become absolutely apoplectic with lust when you describe the sexual tension in explicit detail. You can literally make a woman’s neck hair stand on end by telling her what you are about to do to her. (Note: If she is a pretentious artsy chick who never misses a First Friday at the R Street art galleries and takes great pains to display the right magazines on her coffee table, the more multisyllable and French words you will have to use. Brush up on your euphemisms. Smart chicks dig euphemisms.)

Of course, most men don’t do this because 1) it’s time away from actual fucking, 2) it seems kinda gay, and 3) they are not as verbally oriented as women and therefore don’t see the point in it. But catering to a woman’s interests doesn’t always have to entail sacrifice; sometimes it is a source of power. Once you understand that women respond wildly to a small investment of your time and effort arousing her with erotic commentary, you will use this to your advantage to have her hooked on you like a drug.

Speaking of getting a woman addicted to you, the Big Three things you can do in the bedroom, in order of effectiveness, that will have her thinking of you while stroking the zucchini in the supermarket are:

1. Squirting orgasms. This is the holy grail of sexual satisfaction. Learn to bring a woman to leg-trembling ecstasy by making her ejaculate with your fingers and she will cling to you like a baby chimpanzee on its mother’s back.
2. Regular orgasms. Not as nerve-frying or psychologically-imprinting as the squirting variety, but still effective, because if the studies are to be believed the majority of women don’t experience them with their men.
3. Sex Talk. Start reading some romance novels and incorporate the purple prose into your end game seduction routine.

Sex talk doesn’t have to be long-winded. What’s important is the vivid detail in what you say and the tone of voice you use to say it. Try to be as thorough in your erotic monologues as possible. Say it with a low, slow, gravelly voice very close to her left ear. Breathe heavily so that she feels the hot air on her skin. Here is an example of something I said to a girl which verbally stimulated her during a moment of intimacy:

How does it feel thinking about my hand slowly sliding down your belly, over the thatch of your pubic mound, and prying apart your cleft to expose your hot, wet, crimson lips waiting to be violently penetrated…

She gasped and said “Wow, that’s kind of a turn-on!”. Her wetness confirmed her words.

As mentioned above, for pretentious yuppie chicks you will want to substitute euphemisms for crass four letter words, especially if you are banging an art student or a DJ groupie. This makes whatever you say sound “literary”. For example, instead of saying this:

I’m gonna fuck your pussy with my rock hard cock and cum all over your face.

Say this:

I’m gonna pierce your womanhood with my throbbing turgid essence and unleash torrents of hot, sticky, demon seed all over your face.

Crass four letter words and painful hair-pulling are acceptable if you’re fucking a lawyer. In fact, they’re required.  

PS: this was a meta-post for the ladies.